Since the end of the Post Season baseball games, there were commercials for the movie “trouble with the curve”. Tonight I finally saw the movie and loved it. Baseball season might not be starting just yet so I had some fun with this movie. I had no idea what went into scouting reports until I saw this film. And the movie is right, you can’t know something with statistics that you can’t see with your eyes. In his book, The Red Sox Years, Francona talked about this a little bit. He was given daily reports on scouting and pitching and upper management wanted the say in the lineup because this batter was better with the opposing team’s pitcher. Francona never really used these reports to influence his lineup. A player was going to play because he had a gut feeling and usually he was right. Statistics can only be on one playing field, paper. You can’t know what the player is going to do in rainy weather versus sunny weather, hot weather versus cold, etc. I think a lot of the games that have won the world series have become champions because they did not get rest in between series. My theory is that if a team cools off, say has a few days rest in between, that is bad and they are going to be swept. I have never seen a world series go to game 5 in the past 3 years. But I could be wrong. I know for the past 2 have been swept in 4 games, both to the National league. It has been a long time since the American league has won a World series game.
Category: writing
Ramblings 29
Ramblings 29
I had nothing going on today. I just stayed in except for going out to pick up my prescription. I just didn’t want to leave the house. It was one of those days that I just wanted to stay in bed all day. I didn’t really. I woke up at 7 after going to bed at 1 so I am still pretty tired. I was able to go back to sleep after breakfast but I didn’t have coffee aka speed so my day went pretty blah.
Funny thing happened after dinner. The refrigerator burped, then my mother did. Then I started sneezing and my mother started. We could not stop sneezing for at least 10 mins. It was pretty funny.
Today is Valentine’s day and I have been thinking about my one love most of the day. I was tempted to text her happy v day but it probably is best that I don’t. I really miss talking to her but she has issues more than I do and we broke up because I couldn’t handle them. She doesn’t know this and I doubt she will ever come across my blog. She is not too tech savvy.
My niece was reading a book called Psych Major Syndrome and now I am going to read it. I am so bored I will read a truck manual. I have nothing to fill in my time. I have been waiting all day for my therapist to text me saying she has an opening but now it doesn’t seem likely she will. I don’t speak with her again until Tuesday. Anyway as I am a psych major, maybe this book will be interesting and it will bring back some things that I have forgotten. I still want to take a psych course at Umass/Boston that is the History of Psychology. I really think I will like it. It is a 400 level course. I just hope I can keep up with it. My last 400 level course didn’t go well and I had to withdraw.
I was talking with a friend last night about online courses and he told me that only 3% of the people taking them actually finish them. That is sad. I am hoping I can take a course. I might at one of the universities, Harvard or MIT offers some free courses so maybe I will take it just to gain experience. I have never taken an online course before. I tried the online prep that my job had offered but it didn’t pan out. I just got really frustrated because there was nothing guiding you or telling you what to do with these modules and it wasn’t until the end of the course it was learned I didn’t do any of the second or third module that was assigned. I just said fuck it. It was stupid anyway. Talking about time management and how to read a syllabus. I already knew that. I had taken plenty of college courses. I just never taken one online before. I hope that this online course isn’t like the prep course.
Farkle and buses
Nothing interesting going on today. I went to see my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist and I talked about my current delusion/paranoia: the 6 die and the crowding on the bus. I play a game called Farkle and it is a dice game that is played on my phone or computer. Don’t really know the object of the game other than to collect as many points without Farkling, which is when you don’t get the one or five die. Lately my delusion has been focused on the 6 die thinking it just wants to kill my game. I become paranoid every time I get a 6 thinking game over. But usually that is not the case. Irrational I know but when you are delusional, you can’t be rational.
The crowding on the bus situation is my true paranoia. I HATE it when people start crowding up the entrance doors and I literally begin to panic and have anxiety. I just get so paranoid that these people that are standing are going to go flying because the bus had to come to a sudden stop or some jerk cuts the bus off. The worse is when strollers get on the bus and take up seating for people. One time there were three strollers and they weren’t the small kind. I am talking about the heavy duty ass big wheelers that take up 3 adults just to fit a small tyke that swallows it whole. DRIVES ME NUTS. It blocks the aisle where people want to get off or on and then I am left usually without a seat at my designated disability seat because these mini cars are now in my way. I will not go out because of this paranoia some days. I just can’t stand to see the aisle clogged up with people or strollers. It just makes me really anxious.
Because I spent a good time out today, my ankle is really sore. I am finding that even the smallest of activities have flared it up. The pain is bone crushing. This is the lateral malleolus or the bone that sticks out at your ankle. The pain is so intense, especially when I stand. I know all the more reason that I should lose weight but when you can’t fricken walk right, all you can do is restrict your caloric intake and that is difficult to do. I have been trying for weeks to stick to a diet but I have been failing completely. I just can’t help it. I like to eat. I have been trying to control the cravings but it is so difficult. If I want Chinese, I’ll have it. If I want pizza, I order it (I like plain cheese so it’s not too bad). Today I thought about Thai food but decided against it as after my appt with my psychiatrist I just wanted to go home. I thought about making manwich. I haven’t had that in sooo long. So tomorrow I will make that. I bought the lean meat. Only problem is that I am the only one that likes it. I usually end up eating it all. Another item of food I cannot resist. It is just sooo good!!
stigma and suicide
Stigma and suicidality
“Among the 10 leading causes of death in the U.S. most are claiming fewer lives each year but sadly suicide is on of the few that continues to rise. Depression and other diseases of the mind that contribute to suicide are real illnesses, not weaknesses. Not character flaws. People battling these illnesses deserve understanding and treatment afforded people with any other llness.” Robert Gabbia AFSP Executive Director.
There is a stigma out there that mental illnesses are not real. That if you just pull your boot straps up you will be ok and not suffer from depression. I have a friend in Canada, a place where the suicide rate is higher than the US because they are still in the dark about treating depression and other mental illnesses. Like Mr. Gabbhia states this is not a character flaw or a weakness. This is real. It takes character and strength to admit there is something wrong and to see help for it. And if you don’t succeed the first time try again until you do.
If I didn’t try and try again, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I probably would have taken my life. I have seen over 10 therapists over the course of my treatment for my mental illness. My current therapist I have been with for the past twelve years and it has been the a huge difference. With the stability of treatment providers I don’t go to the hospital as much and with the value of trust between us, I can state my suicidal feelings without being held against my will in some treatment facility. I am open about how I feel with my therapist but it took a long time to get to where I was. It took about 3-4 years to really trust her and for her to trust me.
I say that it takes trust between us because most therapist are under the believe that all people that have suicidal thoughts should be hospitalized immediately if they cannot be held to safety contracts, which are worthless. Therapist think this is the way to go but it is not. It just takes the legality of it all away from the therapist and really does not put trust in the relationship. Nor does it build an alliance with the therapist because the client is always in fear of being put into the hospital for fear of stating their true feelings. Is that how therapy is supposed to go? Again you have the stigma that if you talk about suicide, you will cause suicide. That is a common myth that everyone still believes is true except for those that actually deal with it. Like me and other suicidologists around the country. Those that deal with suicide are afraid of being sued but there are measures that can be taken so that it is not as frightening as it is. I am not saying that the person with a loaded gun or is in eminent danger and threatening suicide should not be hospitalized and that that gun or other means NOT be taken away. I am saying for those that are chronically suicidal be given a chance that doesn’t include the hospital all the time. In the course of my therapy over the past twelve years I have been hospitalized 4-6 times, compared to twice a year for the previous ten years.
For resources on dealing with suicide:
http://www.suicidology.org the American Association of Suicidology.
Jobes, D. A. (2006). Managing suicidal risk: A collaborative approach. New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Michel, K., & Jobes, D. A. (2011). Building a therapeutic alliance with the suicidal patient. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; US.
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.