Tag: cauda equina syndrome

shifting anxiety to self care

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shifting anxiety to self care

I have been on social media minimally all day. I just check what is going on and if something upsets me, I stop scrolling and get off. I haven’t been feeling well. I woke up feeling tired and then when I laid down, my ankle flared up and it has been that way since. I am in agony. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I ordered McD’s and that was all. Today is my sister’s birthday but I don’t feel like celebrating. I am just in a foul mood. The ankle pain is searing into me. It is awful. I took some muscle relaxers and my pain meds to try and get it to calm down.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter so that I can relax. I am so tired. I want to watch a movie tonight but I don’t know if I will. I am getting sleepy from meds. I took my night meds early because I didn’t want to wait. I only took them a half hour early. I had been taking them later because they make me sleepy. I think the Latuda is really sedating. But I don’t stay asleep through the night. I sleep for a few hours and then I am up for a few hours.

I purposely kept off social media as much as I can today. I don’t want to know about the election at all. I am already nervous because the toddler in chief has put in a fence around the White House. Results won’t be known tonight. There will just be guesses and I rather find out tomorrow if there is going to be a tomorrow. With my pain making it difficult to move, I have decided that I am going to watch the Aristocats tonight. It is one of my favorite funny movies. It makes me laugh. And seeing as I feel wicked depressed, I think this will help some.

I am really tired today. I don’t know if I will stay up to watch the movie like I hope to do. I am just so sleepy. Being in pain is so draining. It is wiping out all the energy I have. I have had some fleeting suicidal thoughts. I have urges to take a certain bottle of pills. I have been resistant but my nerves tonight is testing my patience. I just glanced on Twitter and there was something about the KKK’s state being red. No surprise but it still is shocking there is a KKK. This group scares me. There are worse ones out there but the KKK always makes me fearful.

The First of November 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The first of November 2020

I have four birthdays to celebrate today. Three are friends and one is a family member. It is the beginning of birthday month. I always dread it and this year, I am dreading it more so because my aunt is no longer alive. Every time I think of her death, I am panged with grief and heartache. I talked to my sister about celebrating her birthday and we agreed to go by the cemetery where she is buried.

I shaved and showered today and it came at a price. My foot bones acted up and I am still hurting hours later. I took a pain med because I had to. I am close to crying the pain is so bad. I had to shower because I smelled so bad. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I had taken an Ativan so my back didn’t cramp up so bad. It did anyway but resting helped ease it. I wished the hot water helped but it didn’t. It did help some of the tension in my neck and shoulders. I found that soothing.

I did my meds for the week. I almost forgot to do them. I usually do them around 2pm every Sunday but I wasn’t in the mood this week as I was just getting up. I figure I would do them before I wrote my blog for the day and I did. Now one less thing to worry about. Twitter is annoying me with me vote stuff. One of the historians I follow was talking about past elections and I can’t stand it. The next few days are going to be rough. Between Covid and election talk, I am stressed out. I only leave my house if I have to. I have not even left my room long enough to empty my recycles and trash. I have to do this this week because my AC needs to come out before the weather gets colder. I would have had it removed today but it is raining again.

I need to find my heating pad. I want to see if maybe using that on my back will help the cramps/spasms. I sent a message to my surgeon about what to do. Hopefully I will get an answer by Tues. If not I will call and see what he recommends. I have had it with all these cramps and nothing but rest helping.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know what to talk about. I have been racking my brain about things to talk about but nothing comes to mind. I have an anniversary of when I went into the hospital back in 1994 coming up later this week. I always remember it because I wanted to die on Nov 5th. I really wanted to die that year. I was in one of the worst depressions of my life. It started in August and didn’t end till maybe June of 1995. It was a long depression. I had started college about two weeks after I got discharged from the hospital. I made the Dean’s list that semester. It was the only time I made it. Self-doubt nearly destroyed me after that. I felt like I was just not good enough.

Saturday Halloween Blog 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Halloween blog 2020

There were no trick or treaters this year in my neighborhood. I don’t think anyone dressed up for Halloween. I didn’t. I wanted to spray my hair gray but I never bought the paint. I had a lazy day. I went and did an errand and by the time I came back home, I was exhausted. I took a nap and it was a good one. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I was up in the middle of the night again. I had woken up around midnight and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 3ish. I read my book for an hour.

My back was giving me fits today. I tried the Zanaflex but it isn’t working for me anymore so I just been taking Ativan. Only downside is that it makes me sleepy. My back has also been hurting as the spasms have been causing pain. I need to talk to a doctor about it because it is interfering with a lot of stuff I do and I can’t be sleeping all the time from meds trying to control the spasms. I just don’t know which doctor to ask for help. I might start with my pcp and see what he says.

I have three appointments next week. Therapy, psychopharm, and PT. I have been trying to write something to talk about in therapy but I am coming up blank. I looked at the site for the pain psychologist and it was overwhelming. So many videos that were more than an hour long. I bought a workbook for managing chronic pain using CBT. I should get it over the weekend I think. I should probably get it by Monday. I think I bought the book before but I gave it away. This book was recommended on the website so maybe the therapist uses it in sessions. I will find out as I don’t think it is something to learn on your own. CBT is hard. I got to make an appointment with her.

I am so tired of being tired. I just want to sleep these days. Today was an okay day even though it was cold out. I still sweated my ass off when I came home from walking. I was out of breath and my back hurt from cramping. My shoulders and neck muscles have been hurting me for the past few weeks. They are just so damn tense and I can’t seem to get them to relax. I need a good massage. I tried finding a video to stretch the muscles but I can’t seem to do it right. I just end up rolling my shoulders and scrunching them up to stretch them out. It is the only exercise I know how to do. I am so sleepy that I could go to sleep right now. I have no energy to fight it. Guess I am going to bed early tonight. Hope I am not up at midnight again.

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT and other stuff

I had PT today. I wasn’t going to go but I made myself. I so wanted to sleep in and cancel the appointment but I went anyways. Luckily, I didn’t have anymore problems with my stomach. I was worried but it cleared up after I gone to the bathroom. I have had an upset stomach for most of the day. I just had coffee and some soup for dinner. I really haven’t felt like eating.

I ordered my groceries for tomorrow. I don’t know how I am going to get them up the stairs as my nephew has been working in the mornings. I hope maybe my niece can help me. I know I won’t be able to do it myself. It would take me all day just to get half the stuff up the stairs. I learned my lesson from last time.

I have been feeling tired for most of the day but haven’t slept. I told the PT that I have been tired lately doing stuff but she didn’t really have answers for me. She is trying to build my endurance up. She gave me some home exercises to do. I hope that I will be able to do them.

My ankle has been smarting all day, probably due to the rain we are having. I am going to take my night meds in a few minutes so I hope the night dose of pain meds will help. If not, I will take the BT meds. I hate this pain. It is like a knife stabbing me right in the joint.

I have been running hot and cold today. I don’t know what to make of it and hope I am not getting sick. Have been putting on and taking off my long sleeved shirt. It is kind of cool in my room and I am under blankets. It is not helping my ankle being cold. I am just glad I haven’t been having back cramps today. It has been nice to move without them.

I need to shave and shower. I probably will do that tomorrow after my groceries get delivered. My beard is coming in as I haven’t shaved in more than a week. I haven’t felt like shaving regularly. I take it as another sign I am depressed. I haven’t listened to Taylor Swift’s latest album in a while so I just put it on. I really love the tunes. I think it is her best album yet. It is so down to earth. Perfect for the Pandemic.