Tag: chronic illness

Drowning in pain and depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

Pain is really bad because i had to leave my house earlier than I would have liked. Both feet are swollen, left worse than right. I can’t deal. Least i had some of my Pad Thai, and by some I mean 5 bites. I was full. Psych thinks I should see my pcp because of the weight loss. Basically losing 5 lbs a week. Told her I am ok. When it is 30 lbs I will be worried 😜 (just have 15 more to go) also thinks I should see him for my flares. I don’t have the energy to. Previous docs have shot me down when I’ve told them every appt flares are worse and i am met with no change in meds or what to do. I’m done getting burned so i am staying away from the fire. Besides with my living situation changing, flares are going to be way more frequent from stress.

I told my psych I’ve been really suicidal. I’ve been trying to keep the demons at bay but pain is a huge trigger and add depression and it just fuels the fire. I’ve never been this down before, well I have. Just not so quickly. Three weeks is a short amount of time. My psych asked me if I could come in next week and I asked if I had to and she said yes. Great. I really don’t want to see anyone. I just feel hopeless about everything and I am overwhelmed with shit I have to do. My sister is driving me crazy because she is stressed out. Stress just causes me more pain. I had my 5th flare in a week last night. I have been going on 4 hours sleep, which I got in 2 hour increments.

I was very suicidal last night, the worst it has been in quite some time. I know I could have called my psych but I really didn’t want to be told to go to the hospital. I am done with going to hospitals, least the unit I was on. There isn’t any help anymore. I don’t have a therapist. Unfortunately I am still not mobile enough to be going. I am making some progress in PT but it is very slow. It has been two months I’ve been going and have been doing the exercises but on days I hurt, I can’t do them or on days like today where I had to fucking leave my house because my pedophile cousin came over with my aunt. His voice still gives me flashbacks and shit. I was out for about six hours. I knew I going to be hurting. I didn’t think I would swell though.

My voice is continuing to change. I had no voice when I got up around 10. Trying to communicate to my mother was a fucking pain in the ass. I literally had to write shit down to tell her stuff. When my aunt came over while I was in the shower, I was a little better but still hoarse. Even while talking to my psych I sounded froggy.

My hair is getting thicker. And omg, my hair on my head is growing faster than ever. I shaved it this morning and now I have a 5 o’clock shadow. Will be a buzz tomorrow. Yet my mustache takes forever to grow back. I shave it off last week because I got a big painful zit. It is growing back but not at the same pace.

I am really exhausted between pain and the depression. My sleep has gotten a little better with the melatonin but if I am in a flare, forget it. I just fight sleep.

I saw my pcp’s social worker yesterday afternoon. She can’t see me like a therapist but will cover me until I do find a therapist. She is easy going but I haven’t shared my suicidal demons with her. I really can’t. Last thing I need is for it to be in my record and then I am fucked. Any provider can read her notes. I am very careful about letting on how suicidal I am. I will tell my psych but that is it.

I had my grocery delivery yesterday. Powerade hasn’t done shit about their lot that is bad. I got 5 more bottles of the crap. Going to have to call again. I wanted to today but was rushed out of my house. I still need to get some as they only delivered 7 of the 30 I ordered. They also didn’t deliver my chicken patties for the second month in a row! Now I need to go to the grocery store to get the stuff. I am going to try and just buy the powerade at a little at a time because I can’t carry a huge load. 5 bottles is my limit on my rolling cart thing. I won’t go tomorrow but maybe Monday. I am sort of dreading it as my sis moves in Sunday. God only knows what it will be like living with her again.

Free falling with no safety net

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Free falling with no safety net

I didn’t think I would write a post today. I had been working on my office, going through my stuff, throwing away, recycling, or giving to goodwill. I was hurting but it was bearable. I didn’t eat much all day. I really have no appetite. I had a protein bar at like 3 am and didn’t eat again till twelve hours later. I made a custard pie that took forever because my oven sucks. I had a slice of that. It was so good.

Right now my right heel and my left metatarsals are competing as to who is going to hurt more. Right now my left is (the CRPS one). I am having so many symptoms of CRPS right now that I doubt I will sleep even though I am exhausted.

I was talking to my mother about my desk. She doesn’t want to get rid of it. FFS. My sisters and I had agreed to toss it because it is much to large and heavy to move. It is too big for my bedroom. And there would be no point if they end up tearing my rug out. I think the floor is rotten and needs to be done because there have been spots that have some up through the rug and we aren’t sure why. It might be mold. I know the drywall where my headboard is needs to be redone because the bubbling has spread. Whether or not that is due to mold, I have no clue. I don’t understand why it wasn’t addressed when I wasn’t moved in and it could have been replaced. But my room had just been painted and I think they didn’t want to mess with it. I don’t know. I just go along with things.

My aunt had come over and between her and my mother calling me my birth name and “she”, it set off my gender dysphoria. My boobs still feel really heavy. I know I am losing weight because I have no appetite. I can’t wait till next week when I can order my chicken patties and fish. I won’t be able to place my order until Wed, though I am not sure I will be able to as I need to pay off my cell phone in full on Monday, which doesn’t leave me with much afterwards. My full check on Wed will need to go toward all my bills.

I am listening to Celine Dion. I bought a few songs of hers that I haven’t listened to in a while. Seems Amazon has a knock off version of her songs and I foolishly bought 4 and then had to buy the correct 4. Damn assholes. I hate iTunes worse so I will stick with Amazon for now.

Left foot has gone berserk. I thought I had the phone far enough away but I didn’t. It is now buzzing intensely from the sound waves. I just took a melatonin to help me sleep. I hope it overrides the exhaustion to make me sleep. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He would have been 87. My sisters and I plan on going to the track. I really don’t want to as I don’t gamble (I have no clue how to bet on horses). I rather just have a family dinner. I was overruled. I don’t seem to have a say for anything anymore. I feel like I don’t matter to my family at all. Just adds gas to the suicidal fire. Last night, I wrote another suicide note. I think I took a pic of it and posted it on Twitter, not knowing if anyone can read my scribble. It was handwritten. I have been trying all day not to think about my dark side and now, with the pain, it is so hard to fight it. I might as well give in. I am not worth anything. As my chemistry teacher told me long ago, we are just a bag of chemicals. That is all we are.

Bugger of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bugger of a day

I got up around 11. I needed coffee and something to eat as I barely had anything yesterday except protein bars. I went to my sister’s apartment to use her Keurig. My mug that my BFF in Canada was there. Sadly, whatever they did to wash my mug, all the lettering had come off and what remained was the heart. I feel really bad about this because the mug means so much to me. A person who loves me sent me something they made out of their love for me. I shouldn’t have left it downstairs but I forgot it and didn’t think it would get “wrecked”. Anyways, I made my coffee and then brought it upstairs so I could make an egg burrito. I could barely finish the burrito.

My sister had texted me saying to go through some stuff in the living room. My ankle was already flaring even before I made my coffee. After I ate, I had some stuff thrown away, some to good will and the rest I kept. I have one chess set I will be donating to a chess club in the town over from me. The meet in a square not too far from me, just down the street with the bus. I sent them a message so I hope I get a response. I didn’t go through the clothes that were in my closet. My back and ankle were already telling me to stop so I did. I retreated to my room. I saw the likes of my bed and I had to do the bedding today. I rested for a bit after taking some pain meds. I played on my phone until I started to get really “lazy” and then started taking off the bedding. I had to rest because my back kept cramping up on me. Then I got the clean sheets and put them on after I positioned the foam where it should be. I know it isn’t going to stay in place; it never does. I need to get either a mattress thing to hold it or for another $25 buy a gel foam topper. I am kind of hesitant to get the gel foam only because people that have reviewed it says it makes them hot. I cannot tolerate being hot so I don’t want to spend the $50 for it and then suffer. The one thing that is sure of is that it won’t slip like the foam.

After I did that, I had to shower. I was sweating and smelled because I had not showered in a few days. By the time I shaved and showered, my foot/ankle and back were killing me. I was done. It took me three fucking days to change my bedding. I hope that I can keep my bed clear of stuff, though every time I say this, it never happens. Shit in the one corner accumulates and then when I need to change my sheets, it is overwhelming. I am going to try and clear out one drawer of my bureau so I could put my boxers in it. I have to decide what I am going to do with my old scrubs. They no longer fit me as I have gained so much weight. I guess I will send them to goodwill. I don’t know what else to do with them. I have two drawers that I use for different things other than clothes. One is to store my medication and supplements, the other my memorabilia of my beloved Sox. I honestly have no clue what the bottom two drawers and the last drawer hold. But whatever is in it, can be given to goodwill as I haven’t worn it in years.

I hope my foot doesn’t act up but I can tell it is already. It started to get cold about an hour after my shower. It still feels cold and is getting painful. Last night I took Neurontin around six. Seems like I will be doing the same tonight, though it is half past right now. I had not done much the past two days. I went out yesterday just to get some more Gatorade. I also checked on my prescription and was told it would be in today. I had called and they said it would be about two hours for it to be ready. Next thing I know, my PCP’s nurse called to say that my doc will be sending it to another pharmacy because the one I sent it to didn’t have it in stock and doesn’t know when it will be. I was bullshit! I sent a tirade to their Twitter account. The fact they didn’t have the decency to call me is absurd! I don’t think I will be their customer anymore. I have had it.

Because my foot is bothering me, I am just going to try and finish the Harry Potter book. I haven’t read it in a few days because it is the part where Voldemort comes back and I *hate* reading it. But soon as I finish this book, I can move on to the next one, The Order of the Phoenix. I like that one better, even though Sirius dies at the end. I should ask JK Rowling what happens to Ron, Hermione, and Harry as they didn’t have their last year of Hogwarts and didn’t take their NEWT exams. She never talked about it at the end of Deathly Hallows. I am just curious. I have no idea if there is a graduation party like we have with high school or do they not get a diploma? I don’t know if the question has ever been raised. It is interesting though to think about.

gender dysphoria flares again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Gender dysphoria flares again

I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.

Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.

I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.

I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.