Tag: chronic illness

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Should be a warning for changing sheets when you have chronic pain

I literally spent the day changing my bed. I started by washing my fleece Red Sox blanket. It is more of a throw but it covers me well and is nice and cozy. While it was in the washer, I had breakfast, made coffee, and then had lunch. My new washer takes like an hour or more for one load. When it was done, finally, I put it in the dryer and went back to my room.

I took off the rest of my office. I rested for a bit before taking the sheets off. After I took the sheets off, my back was hurting so I rested so more. I thought after a few minutes, it would calm down, but it didn’t. My foot started acting up. I took my breakthrough med. I rested for a bit to let the meds work. I had my sheets ready to go as I have two sets. I put on the fitted sheet and my back again went berserk. This was going to take a while. I could feel that this back was just going to continue to act up.

When it settled down some, I put on the sheet, and blanket. Then I put some of my office on my bed and snapped a pic. I posted it and then rested for a bit. My foot flared again. Nothing was going to help the flare. Even now, hours later, I am still hurting. My mother was making dinner. I wanted something sweet so went downstairs for some ice cream. I wanted cake but we didn’t have any. The dryer was still going with my blanket. I put the sheets in the washer. When I finished with the ice cream, I took the blanket and went back to my room.

I put the blanket on and then snapped another pic to post. A few friends commented that I put it on “wrong” and that I had to put it the other way immediately. I was like whatever. I rested some more, or tried to. I was so damn tired. I wanted a damn nap but I didn’t want to sleep. Then my mother called saying she needed help with dinner. Fuck. Seriously? I went downstairs to see what she needed. My back was ready to divorce me. She wanted me to make the mashed potatoes. I said okay. I love making mashed potatoes. Dinner was pretty much done except for this dish. When I was done, I got the plates and utensils. I served my mother the potatoes and handed her the chicken cutlets she made. I got my plate when my mother said to make a plate for my brother in law. Ok. I grabbed another plate and started making a plate for me and my brother in law. Then she wanted me to bring it downstairs. NOPE. Not happening. My mother took her sugar and it was low. I have no idea if she gave herself insulin or not as I wasn’t paying attention. After she ate, her sugar was still low so I got her some juice. She said half a glass and that is what I got her. She said it was too much juice. Just fucking drink it. Fuck!! I started putting things away as she wasn’t feeling well. Then she went into the TV room.

I put the food away and some things in the sink. Then I went upstairs. I needed to rest. I got to my room and changed the damn blanket before I got in bed. Why, I don’t know. I took a pic and sent it to my friends that said it was “wrong”.

My back and ankle is about to sue me for divorce. I HATE changing sheets with a passion. I do it infrequently because it causes me so much damn pain. I will probably be sore tomorrow. The game is playing now but I don’t care. I have the country radio on and I just feel like listening to that. I can’t believe that it is almost the all star break and I am already starting to lose interest. I think it is more to do with my mood disorder than the sport. The team has been doing fairly well, even though they aren’t playing their best. They had an up and down game last night but pulled out a win. It was a good game but I couldn’t stand to turn on the radio and I was so upset. I was just in too much pain. I was just getting updates via Twitter or facebook.

I took my meds so I think I am going to read some Harry Potter and call it a night. I think I earned it. Just hope my pain doesn’t get worse. That will not be good.

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

I had decided to do my PT exercises today. I printed them out after I spent nearly a half hour trying to get the battery contrast settings to “normal”. When I somewhat “fixed” it, I then rebooted and hit F2 quickly to check what the settings were in the bios. Sure enough, they were at 0. Fucking fuck. I put it to 100%, restarted, and then changed the settings I played with. Once that was done, I put the laptop aside. I struggled with the stupid body pillow, which at this point, I want to throw out the goddamn window. But it is helping with sleeping on my side and aligning my hips while I sleep.

I then did the exercises. I was only able to do about three or four outward motion with my left. I knew I was lucky to get that much. I had no problems doing the right. Then I did the others. I tried the one standing and adjusting my posture. My back DID NOT LIKE IT! I am still hurting. My spine is aching so bad. I took some advil and I am sure the constipation I am feeling isn’t helping. I woke up late so didn’t take Miralax. I just been taking fiber pills. Taking three things for the movement of bowels is hard. It’s worse when neither works. I went a little bit last night. It was better than nothing. I was hoping to get on top of it today but sleep interfered. I woke up at 8 to take my morning meds. I should have stayed up but didn’t and I regret that decision.

So now I have a heating pad on my back because it is sore with the AC on. Hope it works other than making me hot. I finished Dostoevsky’s Brother’s Karamazov today. Figures the last chapter had nothing to do with the plot!! I am just grateful it wasn’t long. I wrote a review on Goodreads. I plan on starting Dr. Stacey Freedenthal’s “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is supposed to be good. Maybe it will help me be a little more hopeful and get me out of this funk. I am almost 90% sure I will end my life soon, though I am playing with the dates, again.

Tomorrow will be really hot. Twenty degrees hotter than today, which also does not help my back pain. It is also going to be yucky humid. I heard one school system has closed due to the extreme heat. That isn’t good.

Sox won today. I went to update the standings in my Twitter profile. I checked the MLB standings as I couldn’t remember if I did it or not yesterday. Seems I missed the whole Seattle series. OOPS. I corrected it. I made mention of wins or losses but never changed my profile to reflect it. Oh well. It is correct now.

Today my sister said she wasn’t having a BBQ but just throwing things on the grill. HAHAHA I got my brother in law a gift for Father’s day. He liked it. I had bought it for myself but it wasn’t what I expected. I am still looking for a keychain nail clipper with a file. I had one on my last set of keys but I lost them. I still haven’t been able to find them. I know I had them because I walked in the house. What I did after that point is a mystery. I was in a lot of pain and just want to rest so things were a blur. I have been careful where I set my keys down now. I have to remember to take them as they are in the kitchen. I don’t want to leave the house without them.

This morning, my cousin’s mother in law sent me a couple of pictures of my father set in a Jesus frame. My heart shattered in a million pieces. She sent them through FB messenger. For some reason, messenger downloads the images to my phone and I quickly deleted them. I didn’t want to see them. It hurt too much. I know she didn’t mean me no harm but it was unexpected. Sometimes as I flick through my phone and see the folder that I have of my father just gets me in ways. Even in death he is torturing me.

Twitter and another day of buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Twitter and another day of buses

I had woken up a few times since 0630 due to pain. I had slept okay for the first time in a while. I took my meds when I woke up and then waited till after 7 so I could shut off my med alarm for my BP meds and try to sleep for a bit. I wanted to be out of the house by 9 but that didn’t happen. So I was pushing for either 10 or 1030 the latest. I had some breakfast. I didn’t feel like making an egg so I just made a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. It is called a fluffernutter. I had a recent follow on Twitter ask what is was. I have to laugh. We (Britain and US) have different ways of calling the same things or different things when it comes to food. Crisps are fries. Biscuits are cookies. But a flutternutter is unique to New England as the marshmallow fluff was created in Somerville Mass, then the patent sold and was then manufactured in Lynn, MA. There is a fluff day coming up soon to commemorate the invention of the sweet spread.

So after I ate, I left for my pharmacy. The stock had come in but due to some computer problem, they couldn’t fix it until tomorrow. I said I would like the copy of the script so I can have it filled at another pharmacy. I just got to the bus stop when the bus came. I would have been pissed if I missed it. I put my headphones on and traveled. I got to the pharmacy, which is way bigger than the one near me. I then waited nearly 45 minutes for it to be filled. I was not happy. I also paid more for Miralax at this store than my home one, which further annoyed me. I then walked to the bus stop but had just missed a bus going to a train station. According to my bus app, my bus wasn’t coming for another 12 minutes. Another bus going to the train station came a few minutes later and I took it as it looked like it was going to rain. My ankle was talking to me. I felt like I am being stabbed repeatedly in the same spot. I took the breakthrough med and hoped it wasn’t going to knock me out.

As I was going to the station, my legs felt like jelly. I had been doing some serious walking the past three days so they were understandably tired. I still wanted to make the zucchini pie when I got home. I was hungry as it was after lunch time when I got home and all I had was the sandwich. I had a pop tart as I started to prepare for cooking. It took me a little while to get things done. The stupid container that held the diced onions wouldn’t open. The butter would cut the way I wanted it to so made a mess. I was getting so annoyed as my legs were about to divorce me. I put everything together and then put it in the oven. I used two more eggs because there was a lot of vegetables and I wasn’t sure it would be covered with just four. I also used two bags of shredded cheese. I was only supposed to use 12 ounces but what is 4 ounces more??

I went upstairs to relax while it cooked in the oven. I checked Twitter and had been checking it on and off all day. It was making me so fucking sad because of what the dumbass in chief is doing to immigrant families. There was a tweet where a 4 month old was taken from the mother while she was breastfeeding!! What the fuck!!! The stories are horrendous and all my representative cares about is how people working minimum wage can’t afford housing. It is a total fucking mad house. I tried to just tweet and not read others tweets. One of the people that I follow follows some police feeds. All the retweets are missing kids. I can’t take it. Game started playing at 3 pm and I couldn’t get what was going on. All my feed was on the immigrant kids, Orange Buffoon’s foolish summit with NK, and the bullshit that is going on with the opioid epidemic. I think I need a Twitter break. It used to be a way for me to know what is going on and stay in the know but now I don’t want to know shit!! I am suicidal enough and politics and kids being ripped from their families are just adding to it. I don’t like what my country is becoming. And nobody in Congress is pushing forward to put a stop to it. What really gets me is a person in Congress will tweet, X should be done. Fucking do it!! What the hell are you waiting for?? Retweets aren’t going to make it fucking happen you nitwit!! Or the other thing is to call the representatives/senators. This has been going on since fucking January 20th, 2017!!! I am tired of it. I am tired of calling/tweeting. Nothing is happening because of these calls. Just feels like a huge hopeless situation.

random thoughts 07062018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I was up late last night. I was talking to a friend who was concerned about me. I didn’t tell her specifically what I was going through. But it was getting late and I let her know that I will talk to her sometime today. She said okay.

I then got a message from another Twitter buddy saying some friends have contacted him over their concern for me. I had told him months ago what I was planning so he knew. He said I was important to him. I told him he was important to me, too. I didn’t say more than that.

I went downstairs and made coffee. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to eat. I ended up making a peanut butter sandwich. Afterwards, I took out the recycle and trash. I was feeling okay but the bins were on the street so I had to do some walking back and forth. By the time I was done, my foot yelled at me. I limped upstairs. There was one more bag of recycle to take out. I wasn’t going to do it, least not then. I went up to my room and even though I checked off that I took my pain meds, I didn’t. I took them and tried to nap but my foot wasn’t having it.

I am hurting a great deal because of the trash. I had taken a shower so I am sure that just stressed me without realizing it. I am so tired of being in pain. I am trying not to freak out over tomorrow. Tomorrow I see the pain doc and I hope my pain meds will be changed. My PCP has written my current meds which I will pick up tomorrow before the appointment should the pain doc not prescribe or if there is a problem filling them at the pharmacy so I will have meds over the weekend. I am seeing the pain doc late so by the time I get home, and if there is a problem, I won’t be able to fix it until Monday, which will leave me with no meds.

I wanted to write a blog last night but nothing was coming to me. I had woken up around 1500 so there wasn’t much to talk about. I had written a blog around 0600. I don’t know why blogging is becoming so hard for me. I guess it is hard when there is no feedback and I feel like I am just throwing the words out but no one is reading. There may be a few who read the blog for the day but no comment or like. I don’t think I got a like on my blog since last week. This blog is just an outlet for me but lately, I just say the same things. Pain, routine, end of blog.

There was a wonderful facebook post about Kate Spade. She is the fashion bag designer that died by suicide the other day. The write wrote about how she knew this actor had cancer and the type it was and listed a few people with other chronic illnesses, but you don’t hear about people with depression or anxiety or schizophrenia. No one wants to hear that. Everyone seems to judge them on their character, saying if you are this then you can’t be depressed or anxious or have a serious mental illness. Stigma kills so many people who want to get help yet are afraid about how they will be perceived after they have or even to admit they have a mental illness.

My blog started off as a way to talk about suicide because no one was. It is a daily struggle for me but I have stopped because there are people out there who don’t understand or are fearful about it so they report me. I had it happen on Twitter the other day. Just because someone says they are thinking about ending their lives doesn’t mean they are going to right then and there. Talk to them about it. Be there for them. Don’t make them feel more crazy than they are already feeling. Be a support to them and if need be, go with them to get help. Admitting you have a problem is only half the battle. I know so many people who have serious issues and the one thing holding them back is fear of how they are going to be perceived by others. Fuck them. You need help, get it. Simple as that. If the first person you talk to you don’t like or doesn’t fit with you, try someone else. I went through so many therapists to find the right one. And even though the therapist I see now is not right for me, he is good enough. Yes, rejection hurts. I have been rejected by so many therapists because of my suicidal history it is not funny. But I didn’t let that stop me from finding the one I am with now. If the psychiatrist you are with doesn’t help you, there are others. Find them. I know it’s not easy and you think you are hopeless, but you are not. That is the depression lying to you. Too many families go through heartbreak because one member doesn’t seek help they need. Take the step. There are resources out there. Check out NAMI or Google a search for therapists in your area. Talk to your primary doctor about how you are feeling and that you need help. They can often refer you to someone. Or call your insurance and find out who is accepting new patients. Ask how recent the list is because most therapists (as I found out) are not always seeing new patients as the list is old and hasn’t been updated in years.