Tag: chronic pain

Bad mood kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood kind of day

I was up half the night again. Yesterday, I spent a few hours helping my sister go through my stuff she is clearing from my office. First she wanted me to do one thing and then later that evening, she wanted me to do something else. Well, in order for me to do the something else, I need to do the first thing she told me, which was to organize and go through my clothes. I got rid of about two bags. I had a bag of my button down shirts that I was going to take to the cleaners but they probably don’t fit my anymore so I just got rid of them. I haven’t worn them in years anyways.

Last night I was in a worst mood. I felt really overwhelmed with what my sister was telling me about my things and how SHE wanted it to be. I felt like I couldn’t have MY room the way I want it. It’s bad enough most of the stuff in my office now needs a home in my room, which means I have to clear it up and get rid of some stuff. I am not fucking happy about any of this. She was telling me I don’t need a lot of binders and other office supplies. Sorry, but I do a lot of writing and DO need those things, especially when I print off my research articles or other papers. I am not going to get rid of them just so I have to buy more later on. They are fricken more expensive now than they were back when I was in college!

I was also getting stressed because I got a pain flare up that kept me up most of the night. I had sat and stood for those few hours I was doing things, even though I rested in between doing the different things I did. CRPS doesn’t care if you rest, you are still going to hurt. I talked to a couple of friends of mine from the CES group that understands you can’t be doing shit without consequences. I was in such a mood, I emailed my psych to tell her and then told her a little about the prep I have done to end things. I didn’t say when or how I would do this, or if I was really going to go through with it. Then I had moments where I wanted to go through with it last night. It took all I had not to get up and get my means.

Yesterday, as I was eating, my back tooth started hurting me. It has been hurting on and off the past couple of weeks. I meant to call the dentist this morning but I was so damn sleepy I didn’t. I don’t know if I was up at 6 am or if I woke up, but I took my meds and then slept until noon then fell asleep again till 3pm. I never called the dentist because I forgot. I will try and call tomorrow as I got a lot of time tomorrow to do so. I have PT so maybe I can do it before I leave or when I come home.

I have been craving pizza the past few days. Think I am going to get some before I come home tomorrow. I don’t know if I want Sicilian or regular. I will get two slices. Not sure I will eat both but at least I will have it later if I don’t. My appetite has been awful lately. Yesterday, I just had a burrito, and even that I had to force myself to finish it. I don’t know why my appetite is gone. I was able to make an egg burrito when I got up before I did anything as I was hungry. I just been eating one meal a day or maybe a couple of protein bars. I have lost like 11 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks. I am not sure it is real because sometimes I weigh myself on the scale and it will say I am down and then I go a few days later and I weigh more than I did in the beginning.

I emailed my PCP’s social worker to see if I can see her. I told her that I don’t think she could do anything but at least she is someone I can talk to until I get a therapist. I haven’t called any places because I am waiting for my damn heel pain to be less than what it is. There is one place I am thinking about but I am not sure where it is and how far I will be walking. There are two locations, one in my town and the town next to me. I think I will try the one in the next town over as Google maps says it is where my ex-therapist used to be. It is a block from that location and close to Harvard Square. I don’t know if it will be easier getting there like the therapist I was with and have a temporary hold on. I kind of want to go back to see him but then I don’t. I don’t even know if this place will take me or not so, no point thinking about it until I call. I want my foot/ankle to get a little bit better before I do call. But until then I am stuck without anyone to talk to. UGH. I hate this. I have never been without a therapist this long. It is going on for at least three months now.

Saturday Blog 1632019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday blog 1632019

I haven’t done much today except read. I never changed my bedding. I will try tomorrow. I didn’t go to bed till after 5 am. I think the first lights of dawn were filtering in my room just as I passed out. I sort of had pain and then it backed off but my brain didn’t want to sleep. I was in a depressive funk, again.

I am reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It isn’t my favorite book. One is because of Rita Skeeter. The second is the description of how Voldemort came back. The movie did it okay but reading it is kind of gruesome as you picture what happens. It is fun at least until the final contest where Cedric dies. I guess I don’t like it for many reasons.

My foot started acting up again about a half hour ago. Most of the day, I have been thinking more about my plan. I keep flitting back and forth. Some moments it is all I can think about whereas others I am okay and thinking of something else. I created a new playlist of old country songs. Most of them are the women from the 90’s and early 2000’s. I had to have Reba and Terri Clark. I was listening to Terri Clark’s podcast before I turned in to sleep. She had Lorrie Morgan on her show. I haven’t heard her songs (Lorrie’s) in a very long time. I plan on buying her Greatest hits CD when I get paid next. I miss listening to my favorite women country artists on the radio like Martina McBride, Sara Evans, Anita Cochran. Terri and Lorrie made mention of the benefit concert for Anita and I had to get one of her songs I love called “What if I said”. Men have taken up the airwaves and it is sad. Even the awards shows don’t have too many female nominees, and if they do, their music isn’t up here.

I looked at the Sox thread after they posted the score to today’s game. They won and yet there was a lot of criticism already and I am so disgusted. It is only fucking spring training so of course they aren’t as sharp. Hell, last year I didn’t think they would go all the way and they did. They won the freaking world series! They didn’t win all 162 games, either. So shut the fuck up. Jeez. Ok, so they won 108, but who’s counting. Hehehe.

Protected: Can’t sleep because of pain part 878932

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Depression sucks despite warm weather

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depression sucks despite warm weather

I slept pretty good last night, waking up only once to use the bathroom and thankfully going back to sleep without major problems. My med alarm woke me up and I took my meds. I didn’t want to get up but knew if I didn’t, I would take them late again. I slept another two hours before my mother yelling at her sister woke me up. I looked at the time and it was about time to shower. I didn’t want to leave my bed and thought fleetingly of canceling my appointment. I just was so down. I was also irritable as the fricken TV was going through my fucking head. I have no idea why I am so sensitive to sounds lately. Just puts me in a wicked bad mood once my head starts hurting.

I took a shower and thankfully didn’t throw up as the post nasal drip was horrible. I took some Flonase when I got up to my room. With the warm weather, my sinuses were causing my head to hurt. I looked at the pressure and it was almost one point lower. Lovely. By the time I got to my appointment, I had a migraine. I had brought a migraine med with me, as I didn’t know if the headache would turn into one. My psych is a child psychiatrist so while waiting for her, a kid was playing some toy and she might as well have been hammering my head with whatever she was playing with.

I brought my barber his dinner. He was so happy. I was glad. I had one portion that I made for myself. I am glad I brought it as I was hungry. I had my coffee and a pop tart but was still hungry. I ate the cornbread around the meat. I wish there was a place I could have heated it up but I wasn’t going to walk to the café of the hospital to do it. My feet would hate me. When I did get to the hospital, I was an hour early so just sat in a coffee place area and journaled. While there, a lady came up to me saying I looked “official.” I laughed in my head as she explained she needed directions. She needed to go to a different building and wanted me to take her there. I wasn’t going to take her there as I was in the building I needed to be in. She got frazzled and I just pointed her to where she needed to go. I hardly looked “official” as I was wearing my Sox uniform top and sweatpants. I told my psych and she laughed.

I told my psych about how my living situation is changing. Though we talked about the therapist situation first. I really don’t know what I am going to do about it. At this point, it is easier to go there, if I can, for therapy. The social worker got back to me today and said I could see her to talk as she tries to look for something else. I didn’t tell my psych how suicidal I have been, though I had been emailing so I think she does know. I next meet her on the date I had planned. I didn’t want to do it and I still might not show up. Depends how I feel that week. I am still ambivalent about it so go back and forth with wanting to and not wanting to. Maybe I will just toss a fucking coin and decide.

If you are reading this day of posting (15 Mar), if you could please keep the firefighters of my hometown in your prayer, mojo, vibes, etc. I would appreciate it. They are currently battling a 9 alarm fire. People in the area are being evacuated as the fumes are really bad. I hope all stay safe.