Tag: disability

it’s 2 am and I am still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am and I am still up

Pain hit me bad around 2115 or so. My foot has been feeling like it is being crushed all day and still continues to feel this way despite my breakthrough med. But around 215, I started having severe suicidal ankle pain. This caused me so much fucking aggravation. Like the last nerve had been hit. I spoke the other day how I have all the ducks in a row and now they will call come together. I am sick of being and will be taking efforts soon to not be. It won’t be this week but sometime this month.

I am supposed to go to physical therapy in twelve hours. I am going to cancel the appointment mostly because my voice still isn’t there and I don’t want to be talking for 45 mins just for my throat to be sore the rest of the day. I will see if my voice is better next week and then have the eval then.

I sent a message to my psych to see when she wanted to talk, if she wanted to talk. I never got a response so I guess we aren’t talking. No big deal. I can try to talk to her on Tuesday. I sent her a thing she wanted me to write to try and get the therapist up to date on my suicidality. She hasn’t said anything about it so I guess it is ok. I wrote about the background and then how things are now. I also wrote about how I want her to be accountable to things we discuss and have them followed up the following week. I am tired of therapists not following through or continuing what was said the previous week. I have not printed this out. I don’t even want to see the therapist because I am afraid of what will happen. I told her some stuff about how I want to proceed in therapy from now on until the suicidality is somewhat under control. I am not sure how she will take this so I am nervous. I went through this with my long term therapist and things didn’t go well. She didn’t want to carry through on things and that frustrated me more than anything.

One of the things I talked about was the SSF (suicide status form). It is part of the Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide (CAMS) framework. It is used to assess suicidality to get a better picture of what the episode it like for the patient. It is individualized for that patient and it really helps the clinician know where the problems or situations are that are leading to this person thinking about suicide. I have made copies of the forms from the 1st edition of the book but have not done so for the 2nd edition. The 2nd edition has the changes of a few things and on the current DSM (diagnostical system of mental disorders). The last message I had with the creator was a month or so ago and he was looking into an electronic form so that it could be easier sent to the medical record. The wonderful thing about the SSF is that it has all the documentation needed in just a few pages for the patient’s record. Right now that is just paper but eventually it will be electronic. I am not sure how that will go or if there will be a 3rd version of the book to reflect this or what. But it is in the works and last I heard would be ready sometime this year.

I don’t know if she would be interested in something she has not seen or heard of. The bottom line is that CBT and DBT (both of which she does) are also evidence based treatments for suicidality. I am not sure if this is true for chronic suicidality but I don’t think that has been studied.

1203 pm: I canceled my PT appointment. I didn’t sleep until after 0500 and with my voice being terrible, I really didn’t want to talk. Now I have the whole day to myself. It is nice out. I have one business I need to take care of before I go. I got to close my IRA account as I haven’t put any money in for years and because it is below the minimum amount, I have been charged every year, dwindling what was there. I figure I better close it before there is nothing and then be in the negative. The interest is not that great either. I just updated my book because I found it and it was only 1 to 2 cents given. I am just worried about how much taxes are going to be taken out because I am not of age to collect it. I went through this once before and it was a hassle. I think it was more because the bank didn’t want to do it than anything. Least that was my impression. Maybe I will go to the square and do it at the bank there as the one near me always gives me a fucking hassle with transactions.

I need to take a shower. I also need to change my bed sheets but that in itself is more tiring than taking a shower. My foot is a 7 right now. I know after the shower it will be up for a bit. Maybe in the afternoon I will go to do the bank business. I already had my coffee for the day so I won’t go to Starbucks. Though I might as someone misplaced or got rid of my reusable cup. I can’t find it anywhere. Maybe my nephew has it in his room. I will ask him when I see him.

Ducks in a row

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ducks in a row

I’ve been struggling all week. Pain and depression have been an all time mood sucker, increasing the suicidality to the point where the other night, I have things down pat. I am or should be “happy” about this but not really. The fact I can act at any time gives me some relief that when I want to escape, the choice is there. There really is nothing about what if anymore, well there is. I could be rescued or have a change of heart and get help before things take place. I won’t know until that moment. Worse case is I just get sick. I hope that doesn’t happen.

I had therapy this week. I still have no voice from my allergic reaction on the 16 Aug. I saw the folks in laryngology and the PA (physician assistant) said there is some constriction of the things surround the vocal cords, causing my voice to be the way it is. No cancer, polyps, or anything else causing this. I didn’t ask what was causing this as I just wanted to get the hell out of there. She was kind of freaking me out because when she started explaining things, she would shut her eyes and then go off tangent, making me all confused. My appointment was at 2 and even though I was in the room by like 215, I wasn’t seen till 245 and by the time I was done, it was 330. The camera was not pleasant. I had a microphone on my neck and it shifted. As she was trying to get it adjusted the damn fiber cable went further down my throat to the epiglottis, making me gag. I asked what can be done and she basically said time. I asked about speech therapy and she was not advocating for it so I practically had to beg to get referred to it. She said the therapy is booking out in a month’s time so theoretically, my voice could come back by then.

I was expecting this as the folks in the ED said the same thing (well more that I needed speech therapy, not so much it would get better on its own). My pcp pissed me off that day because he wanted me to stop my allergy meds. Even though I said I take it every day and have for years, they think it could be a reason. I really don’t see how all of a sudden this medication would make me hoarse. The laryngologist said the GERD could be causing this but I haven’t had too many episodes for this to happen and when it did happen before the allergic reaction, my voice didn’t change. She recommended some antacid that I am to take at night. It isn’t a kind that I can get at the drug store but online because it is supposedly made with seaweed. I don’t know. I don’t think that is the reason either, unless the ginger caused so much acid production it did affect my voice this bad.

I’ve been in contact with my psych. I spoke with her today. She asked what I was doing and I said I didn’t know as I just woke up and haven’t had coffee yet. She told me to get coffee. LOL She is too funny. Kind of strange that she only recently laughed at my humor and made jokes. Don’t get me wrong, I do love hearing her laugh. I just think it only took 26 years to hear it. LOL She didn’t tell me when she was going to be in an office soon. I haven’t asked because I know she will tell me when she has one. She does want me to write to the therapist about the stuff that is going on. Think I will do that today. I really struggled to talk to the therapist this week because of my voice. It was so shot after seeing her Wed. But then I was up more than 24 hours when I saw her. I was also up most of the day Wed. I just could not sleep despite taking melatonin and Ativan. I was so overtired. I felt like total shit yesterday and still feel crappy today, though much less so. I did a few errands today and my last stop had me weary. By the time I got home about 15 minutes later, my ankle flared up (it was already a 9 to begin with) and I just felt weak. I got some stuff to do in my room (there always is stuff to do in my room). My sister has once again become a tyrant. She said she was going to do stuff this week to clear my room and bring some stuff up. Has not done so but I am guessing tomorrow she will. I hoping she won’t. She is really sending my anxiety up the roof and I have been so hypervigilant that it is hard for me to relax. Yesterday I wanted to sleep but I kept thinking (even though she wasn’t home) that she was going to barge in my room at any second. If I can do two things that will make things easier for access to my alcove, I am going to try. Wish my nephew didn’t move all the stuff to block it even more. Now I got to move it all to the other side of the room where there isn’t much room to begin with. Just overwhelms me to the Nth degree.

frustrated on so many levels

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Frustrated on so many levels

I saw the therapist today. I was really nervous about it because I didn’t have a voice. First part was of her reading all that transpired since I last saw her, which was last Monday. In there, I had mentioned I was suicidal and she asked if I was safe. I hate that fucking word when it comes with being suicidal. I never know if I am truly safe. If it was put in the how likely am I going to act or something, the answer might be a little different. Each time I get the urges, the situation is different so I have different levels of coping with it. It might be some grounding, music, distraction, going through social media and getting support there, or just maybe sitting with whatever I am feeling to get through the moment. I have recently just stared at a wall while letting the feelings hit me, one after the other and I try not to think in those moments, which is hard to do. Some times I can write but lately I seemed to have lost my words (mostly due to being reported on my feelings) that I cannot express myself, not even in my journal. The words are there, I just can’t seem to put them in cohesive sentences. This is the MOST frustrating thing because writing used to be my escape and because of vigilantes, my escape has been hindered.

I left aggravated and angry. I was looking for her to offer something to appease the suicidologist in me but nothing was forthcoming. I don’t know if she was looking for me to have some sort of plan (I have many, some good and some not so good) or what. Her biggest thing was for me to be “safe” whatever that meant. While I was home reflecting on this, I basically realized I have four choices: 1) go to ED of some sort; 2) call my psych, no matter what hour as I most likely will be in real danger at this point; 3) stew with the feelings as mentioned above; 4) act on my feelings/thoughts/urges. I have a straight forward plan so as long as I can walk (presuming physical pain isn’t the driver of the suicidal escape), the plan can be executed with no one much the wiser.

The ONE thing no one understands about suicidality is the need to escape from the pain (physical and mental or either/or in my case). It is also true that if I have an angry row with a family member that has me feeling unworthy, useless, lazy, etc., my thoughts of escape increase because I feelings of being trapped are heighted and I will think of suicide as my only choice in the matter. I honestly have no way of conveying this and having a “treatment” for it. Yes, I can bring up CAMS (my preferred way of dealing with my suicidal feelings) but my therapist doesn’t even know what the fuck it is, and from the sound of it, is not up to the latest suicide prevention stuff. Honestly, I don’t know who is as there is a LOT of information out there.

The therapist also wondering if being that the institution I was at was good for me as I have so much anger at it right now as it got rid of my psych. I think part of this is mostly likely the grief of her not being there and right now I am in the anger stage of that grief. The frustrating fucking thing right now is that because of my voice being fucked up, crying hurts so I am unable to process it with a good cry. Even as I am typing this and letting some tears out my throat is starting to hurt in a big way. I think once I have this cry, I can possibly moved on. My psych is still there for me; she hasn’t left. I just haven’t been able to see her as she doesn’t have a new home yet. I am still her patient because she has said so and I believe her. If anything, I think she fears me leaving her more than I fear her leaving me. If that makes sense.

I am utterly exhausted right now, mentally and physically. My throat is fatigues and hurts from the twenty minutes or so that I spent talking to the therapist. I honestly don’t want to talk to anyone, unless it is in written form, for the rest of the day. The only thing I have eaten today is a donut and a coffee cake. That seems to be the only thing I want today. I may have the last breakfast burrito (if there is one) that is in the freezer later but chances of that happening are low. I might have to make some more tomorrow after my groceries are delivered. It is nice to have some pre-made food that I like that I can zap in the microwave for a few minutes and have a meal.

I don’t have any plans for tonight. I might read Harry Potter or just be on social media. I would like a nap but that has yet to happen. I just seem to lay down and my pain decides to act up. My foot is already acting up with the ceiling fan going. Airwaves are annoying it. I really shouldn’t have listened to the meditation thing the therapist had me listen to. It started off by thinking of the feet and how they feel and such. Both feet were killing me so it was hard to “let go” of the feelings and shit. Then that was the only thing I could focus on. When they moved up to the abdomen I started feeling hypervigilant of someone barging through the door and had to stop it. At least we tried it. I knew it wasn’t going to work as I have done similar shit while inpatient and it is always a trigger for me.

I had written in the notes I wrote for the therapist to update her that I was thinking of getting ginger gummies and just sitting somewhere to eat them. By the time I came home, the plan was set. I figured out the location and all the how, what, when, where, and why. I have the four choices listed above on which one to choose when those urges arise. I will be left to my own devices and the choice really is mine to make. No one can stop me, no one needs to know, and no one will be there when the decision will be made. I am on a precipice. Question is, do I have a hand (figuratively) to hold me back…

I’ve decided that I won’t tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts. Might mention them here but just the thoughts. No one seems to want to hear them anyway.

can’t cope

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Can’t cope

I am really struggling right now. It’s 0400 and I still have not slept. I am going on 4 hours sleep after being up for 24 hours. I am hearing voices and there are four of them instead of 1 that I usually hear. There were three last night and now there are four and I feel like I am being ganged up on. I have sent emails to my psych but I don’t think she checks her email on Sundays. I told her I took an extra Invega to try and calm them down. It seems to have worked as right now I am just hearing my regular voice. She is the nice one and doesn’t tell me to kill myself or take a bottle of pills for the fun of it.

I was reading an email my psych had sent to me on Friday after I told her I couldn’t cope with everything. We talked yesterday. I often had to repeat what I said because she couldn’t hear and then my voice would be a little bit better and then go back to a whisper. I sent a text message to the therapist telling her I cannot speak. I told her it was not illness related and I would bring a notepad to communicate. If this was a problem, I told her to let me know or call me. I don’t want to skip another session. I feel like I need to talk to her. It is just that my voice keeps going in and out on me and I can only speak for so long before I get tired and cannot speak at all. Going for 45-50 minutes is going to be a test. Then I have a 60 minute appointment with the psychopharm. That is going to be fun, not! I think I am going to try and write things down on index cards so I can use my voice less. Fuck this sucks!

Tomorrow I need to get a hold of a human in the laryngologist department. I had left a message and I think that I am going to leave a message on the last two numbers to try and make a damn appointment. I don’t care who I see as long as they can give some answers and order speech therapy or whatever they need to do. I really don’t want another camera up my nose but if that has to happen so be it. I have no idea if the ED did record the showing of my throat. The PA had her camera video recording it. They didn’t tell me if this was going to be uploaded to my record or not.

I am so tired and want to sleep. My head just keeps buzzing. I think the extra meds have sort of made the voices quieter but they are still there. I know they have popped up because of all the stress I am under with my health issues. I just want to fucking cry and my throat won’t let me. I feel really shitty and downhearted. I just can’t cope with it. My ankle has been a fuck all day. I haven’t really taken anything for it because I don’t know what to do with it. How do you deal with the feelings like your foot is ready to fold on you. It feels like it is some kind of card or paper ready to be folded in half. And it hurts so much. It stresses me out.

I have decided to try and keep a notepad on me so I can talk with my mother when I go downstairs. In one of the boxes that has my stuff in it, I found some notepads. I think it will be easier than trying to talk only to repeat myself three times or more.

I am proud of myself today. I finished two books, Harry Potter and OOTP and White Fragility. I have eight books left in my challenge for the year. I have the Harry Potter and half blood prince to read and then Deadly Hollows. I thinking of reading a book my friend gave me. It’s about a water sprite. He said that it is cute. He had given me a book that I can’t think of the name right now but it was really good. I really enjoyed it. It was about a bee. I also started to read Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things which has the short story “How to talk to girls at parties”. It’s supposed to be good as I think they made a play or something based on that story. I have so many books to choose that I am overwhelmed and don’t know which ones to read. There are quite a few books that came out in the last year and this year that I bought, all hardcover. Alex Spiere just came out with a book on the Red Sox. He is a Red Sox reporter. Jerry Remy also came out with a book. I forget the name. I am not sure I want to get it. I am still thinking about it. There is also a book on Luis Tianti (?sp) that came out. He was a great pitcher for the Sox in the 70s. He is still in the organization. He mumbles when he speaks so I have no idea what he is saying. I also went on a Kindle spending spree and got some books on Lincoln’s speeches and writings.

I got a dentist appointment in about six hours. I am not sure if I am going to be able to go. I had wanted to and then get my haircut or if the barber shop is closed, go to Starbucks and maybe write for a bit. I bought a backpack that can hold my laptop. I just won’t connect to wifi (I hope!) I shaved a couple days ago with a single edge razor and somehow took a chunk of skin off my face. I am glad I have the nix stick as it was bleeding pretty good. I have been putting Neosporin on it to try and make it heal faster. I cannot put a bandage on it as I don’t have one small enough for it. Plus, who wants to put a bandage on their face!

I still have not received my medical records from the children’s hospital where I had the traumatic medical procedure done. Been thinking a lot about the abuse at the hand of the abuser when I was little that continued through my teenage years. I think I am going to write about it and then give it the therapist. I think it probably would be good now as I cannot speak it due to my voice being fucked up. I think I will type it up so she doesn’t have to try and read my scribble.