Tag: mental illness

I’m just tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I’m just tired

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of missing people. Tired of missing out. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of not being able to let go. I’m tired of pretending. I’m Just Tired. ~author unknown

This was a meme that popped up in my Instagram “memories”. It is fitting for today because I am tired. So very tired of being. I don’t want to be anymore. It is too hard to continue on. But I am also too tired to do anything about it so I sit here like a glob. A big fat glob. One of my TG friends showed a pic of his new chest. It looks good. I want that so bad but I got to lost like 30 pounds to do it. I know I can do it, unhealthily. It just takes some will power to do it. I’ve lost that weight before and I can do it again. I just need to want to do it. And right now I am too tired to do it. Wouldn’t matter anyways. Even if I lost the weight tomorrow, I still wouldn’t be able to have the surgery with the virus going on. Everything is on hold. I feel bad my NP had to reschedule her surgery because of the virus. She seems okay with it but I know it hurts. I would be hurt if it were me.

I read some of Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is a good book that I decided to reread as it has been ages since I last read it. It is a memoir that resonated a lot with me. I don’t have bipolar disorder but this book captures the ups and downs so eloquently.

I am feeling tired even though I slept through the night. That hasn’t happened in a very long time. I usually wake up at least once to pee. I think my bladder nerves are healing as I have been able to cath less. I am only cathing right before bed to make sure I am empty before I lay down to sleep. There might be one or two times during the day where I cath because it has been more than 3 hours since my last void and I want to make sure I am empty. I don’t want another UTI or bladder infection. I am not sure if I am emptying completely or not. I will have to cath after I pee to find out. Last time I checked, I wasn’t emptying at all but that was a few weeks ago.

My hair is the longest it has been the past few years. I can’t stand it. I hope my barber opens his shop up soon. I really miss him! Just hope it won’t be mad busy when I see him, though. I don’t know what kind of restriction they are going to have. He most likely will have to wear a mask. I don’t care if he has to wear PPE up the ying yang. I just want my hair buzzed again! I miss the feel of it. I could do it myself but I know I will mess up and then it will be a disaster. So I am not going to do anything for it. I just have to wait like everyone else.

stupid is as stupid does

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Stupid is as stupid does

I am really pissed off that there are places where the government is opening up beaches and other places without a clear indication that it is safe to do so. Florida, the state of the stupid, seems to not care about the welfare of the people at all. I know we are all a little crazy being kept in our homes but it is far safer to be there than outside where you could catch something and pass it on to unsuspecting people who are sick. I also cannot believe the doofus is still in office despite being impeached. What is the point of going through an impeachment process if they don’t oust the person sitting in office? Fuck. And this idiot blundered this virus so badly. I am at a loss for words. Do me a favor, Stay the fuck at home!

I have been having bladder spasms and pain all afternoon. I don’t know why. I don’t think I have an infection. But then I have been wrong before. Only problem is I don’t want to go into the hospital just to drop off a specimen again, especially as the cases of the virus have gone up. I am still compromised as I am recovering from surgery so would be more susceptible to it if I were exposed. I might have to go up on my bladder spasm medication. If it doesn’t stop by the time I go to bed, I will send my uro a message asking her what to do about it. I really don’t want to increase it because it causes constipation and I am just now becoming regular without having to take Miralax all the time. I think the Senna and magnesium have done the trick for me. I don’t want to upset the balance. I have no idea what is causing me to have this balance but I know that if I add more constipating medication I am going to disrupt it.

I had therapy this morning. We talked about being on pain meds and what it means for me. She wants me to take them when I need them and I guess that is the “permission” I need. There is nothing wrong with taking my pain meds but there is if I don’t take them when I need them. I don’t know why the pharmacy didn’t fill the prescription today. I will find out tomorrow and file a complaint because it should have been filled. There is no reason why it shouldn’t, unless they didn’t have the medication in stock. I won’t be getting a 30 day supply. I will be getting a 28 day supply, which always messes me up as to when I can get my meds filled again. I don’t have to worry about it until I get the damn thing filled and then I will put the refill thing on my calendar to remind myself so this doesn’t happen again.

I got the window open and it is cold in my room. Temp right now is 67 degrees. It was 66 earlier. I shut off the fan so maybe it will warm up. My cousin, the one whose boiler broke, is still broken and she is without heat until her son can get the part to fix it. I feel bad for her and her husband who is in the cold. But they have their wooden stove so she assures me she is ok. I still worry. It is supposed to rain tomorrow, which is probably why my back is so bad today. I am keeping the window open as long as there isn’t wind, I should be okay with it. If there is wind I am going to have to shut it. I don’t want water in my room.

A Cuppa and a Shower

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A cuppa and a shower

I had therapy this morning but because I didn’t wake up right away, I didn’t have time to caffeinate before the appointment. I miss having a latte. I don’t know if the Starbucks I go to is open or not. I heard some are closed due to the virus. I struggled to focus during therapy. I was just not there and then half way through session my therapist pulls the what is going on crap. She said I don’t seem right. Like something shifted. Something did but I didn’t know what. I just didn’t want to talk anymore. She wanted me to talk more about why I felt like I didn’t deserve pain medication. I am supposed to write about it. I think it is going to be on paper first and then I will type it up so she can read it. I am not sure if I am going to password protect it or not. Guess it all depends on what I write about.

I finally got the antibiotics for this stupid fucking asshole UTI I got. My brother in law picked it up for me and I am grateful because it is nasty out with rain and high winds. The winds are so bad it took out a branch of the tree that is just in the front of our driveway. My brother in law was not happy. I hope the antibiotics work in a day or two because it really hurts to pee right now. I can’t take peeing every fricken hour anymore. It is driving me nuts.

After therapy this morning, I took a shower after I had a cup of tea. I so needed it. I had some cheesecake with it. The shower felt so good. I wasn’t able to stand too long because I shaved my armpits. It has been raining and I have been hurting most of the day because of it. We had high winds that took out a tree branch and that branch is now blocking our driveway. It is going to be days before the city comes to get rid of it. I put in a tweet about it hoping to get a response but I haven’t yet. Even though the shower felt good, I was still exhausted afterwards. I wanted to nap but resisted as I haven’t been sleeping too good the past few days. I am just so exhausted from this infection and recovering from surgery. I still don’t have energy levels where they were pre surgery. I think the testosterone is helping build up my blood cells again. I have my shot this week so hoping this time next week, I will be feeling better and not so damn tired. The infection should be gone by then anyways. I am going to be careful every time I cath to avoid getting another infection. I think I got to start using wipes to clean myself before inserting the catheter. It can’t hurt.

bad day becomes bad night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad day becomess bad night

I’m on the verge of crying. Feel so depressed. Pain is high not only in my back but damn CRPS foot/ankle. The throbbing is making me want to die. Been four fucking days with the same intense pain. The feeling of content I felt is gone. It has been replaced by depression and pain. I am sort of in a psychache where my heart is being shredded. All because my ankle/foot is hurting so damn bad. Back is bothering me too but it is not the same kind of pain. I know eventually the back pain will go away. Unfortunately, it is not tonight.

I am writing as a way to self-soothe, as my therapist puts it. Writing is all I know how to deal with this hurt. Problem is that words aren’t coming so quickly tonight because I am thinking instead of feeling. I am wondering if this is a right or wrong thing. I’ve suddenly become self-conscious about my writing when I am feeling this way and it prevents me writing on tangents. The content that I was feeling for the three weeks after surgery is gone. All because my ankle is being cut up into a thousand pieces. It is being stabbed repeatedly and the foot bones are throbbing/aching so bad. This is the fourth day of dealing with this pain. I guess the effects of the steroids have worn off and now the pain is back. It isn’t at full volume but it is getting close. I know the exercises I did today where I was doing ankle circles didn’t help. That is when the pain started getting intense. I just ignored it. I didn’t even mention the pain to the PT because what was she going to do? She wants my back healed not my foot/ankle. She said that she was going to have a meeting with another PT about my case to see if I can add strength to the exercises. I think they would need the doctor’s permission to do it. He doesn’t want me carrying anything heavier than a gallon of milk until I see him next.

Because I am in a shit load of pain, I took a bunch of different meds to help ease the pain and help me sleep. I don’t know if the drowsiness will overcome the pain. That is always the question when I take meds for pain. Sometimes it works and I am able to sleep before midnight and then there are times where it doesn’t matter what I take, I am not going to sleep at all and be up all night. I sort of am getting my writing bug back. It has been extremely difficult to get it back. But each day that I write, I feel it reviving. I just hope it doesn’t lead to hypergraphia that I sometimes get. That is not what I want. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I went from 0 to 60 with my writing.