Tag: psychache

Pit of Doom

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pit of doom

I didn’t think it was that long a period between blogs but I guess I am writing every 4 days or so. I don’t like it but some days it is so hard to get my thoughts together. I am missing the hell out of my psychiatrist even though it has only been two weeks since I last saw her. We have been keeping in touch through email but it isn’t the same thing. I went through the email communication while she was out during her hip surgery and it was torture. I didn’t see her for about 3 to 4 months while she was recovering. I seem to be emailing her at least twice a day, more if there is a response. I just miss her so much.

In the meantime, my mood has blackened. The suicidal mood that I was in in April seems to have returned. It isn’t quite as deep as it was then, but it is slowly getting worse. I am 100% sure the stress of being home and arguing with family nearly every day or every other has significantly contributed. I honestly don’t feel like I am wanted yet I am expected to do things even though my pain is through the roof. Sunday my youngest sister, who I thought was on my side, came up and put my clothes in the bin it was on top of, all without asking first. I did not want them in the bin because I do not want them smelling like plastic. She said she would throw in some dryer sheets. I got so pissed. I sarcastically thanked her and said it is going to hurt my back bending to get my clothes. She said I was being mean and to use my knees. Then she tells me to live my life, storms back up here and puts my clothes that were in a neat pile before, out of the bin in a messy fashion. I was in tears the whole fucking day as my pain just went through the fucking roof I was so upset. Later that night she calls me and I didn’t answer. She calls me a baby and tells me to be an adult. I say you tell me to live my life then call me a baby? Then she goes on about how living in a “mess” is unhealthy. I say I am not dead yet, nor have I been seriously ill. She then calls me selfish and I say good night. We haven’t spoken since. Last night they were having another argument with my mother, and again my fucking middle sister said to my mother “she wasn’t getting younger”. I have no fucking idea why the hell she is obsessed with age. She is 11 months younger than me and says she is old. WTF. I don’t get it. I do not like the fact they have my mother’s bedroom at the far end of the house while every one else is not near her. Something happens to her, we aren’t going to know till morning. How the fuck is that fair. Her sugar was low Saturday night and she came in my room. I was up because I had used the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep. She is supposed to navigate with a low sugar to get help or to the kitchen?? Obviously they didn’t plan this out or think this through.

Last night I was in a dark mood. I wrote a draft of what I wanted to say to my psych. Then sent off another email around midnight as I was in so much pain with my back and ankle I couldn’t sleep and was thinking of ending it. I have been slowly doing stuff in my room and it is costing me big time. I bought 6 bins to put my stuff in. I wanted to do stuff yesterday but all I got done was making space for one bin when I wanted to clear my bed so I could change the sheets. I had spilled Gatorade on the bedding so they need to be changed. I wanted to get it done today but I needed a shower, something to eat, and to pick up my meds. I actually had to go to the pharmacy twice because I forgot my ID at home. By the time I came back the second trip, I could barely make it home. I was sweating profusely, back and ankle kicked up two houses from mine, and I was kind of wishing I was fucking dead at that point. I had to change my shirt again. I wanted to jump into a cool shower but I don’t have the energy. Changing my sheets might have to happen Friday, if I don’t have to go to another pharmacy for my pain meds. Maybe I will go to a different chain this time. This new pharmacy always has problems with my meds every month since the other one closed. I am sick of it.

Back is so flared up my scar is hurting. I had to email my pcp to see if he knew of anything to help. He said maybe lidocaine. I have some lido patches so have been using that at night. It has been helping the pain but not the inflammation. I can’t use ibuprofen anymore because I have been getting flares of gastritis. I am on a PPI so I shouldn’t be getting the gastritis and having to use an antacid to settle my stomach. I switched from morning to evening and that has helped. I still don’t want to risk rocking the boat so am avoiding the ibuprofen. I just been taking Tylenol. Some times the pain med helps if the pain is severe enough but it is mostly muscle pain. I know I need to rest it but I got so much shit to do in my room. I thought every other day would be okay but nope. Just makes the pain worse and then I am out of commission for a week. I am just resting the rest of today. I had made a breakfast burrito so that should last me all day. I stayed in my room all day yesterday to avoid family. I didn’t go down to eat at all. I was going to when they had the meeting with my mother. I feel like my sisters are ganging up on my mother and I. All I had to eat yesterday was a protein bar and half cup of coffee. Think I might have had another protein bar before bed but my stomach was killing me so I don’t remember. I lost eight pounds in a week because of the stress. I either had no appetite or just didn’t feel like eating. I think last night’s stomach pains was hunger pains.

I am holding off on sending the draft to my psych. I have a tentative date I want to end things. I really don’t see the point of going on with the ongoing stress at home. I am trying to hold on to what she said of what I have to give to the world. A person on Twitter that I do not know had said the same thing. She had followed me for a while and said somethings that really made me think I mattered in what I say in my tweets, even if I don’t get likes or comments on them. A follower I know through the red sox said she found the courage to share her pain issues on Twitter because of what I write. It is so damn hard to continue living when you want to die yet know people out there, many you don’t know but know of you ether online or through social media, want you to go on despite you having no desire to.

struggling with stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Struggling with loss

Yesterday, I was really sick. I woke up with terrible stomach pains and reflux with heartburn. It was awful. I didn’t eat anything, I had started to eat a protein bar but it was making my stomach pains worse. I have no idea what caused the gastritis. I was also very nauseous and got a migraine on top of it all. I slept most of the day but it was hard because acid kept coming up. I had decided to drink some pepsi but I guess I drank too much at once because when I burped, acid came with it and it was quite nasty. I wanted so much to brush my teeth but was fearful I might throw up so I didn’t. I had such a bad taste in my mouth. I had take the oral dissolving Zofran but it didn’t work as well as the pill did. I finally felt a little better around 6pm or so. I still had stomach pain but it was much less and didn’t have so much acid coming up. I think the constipation combined with me improperly taking the fiber pills the night before might have caused this. I don’t think I drank enough fluid when I took the pills and then didn’t sit up for at least 30 minutes after taking them. I took them and then laid down to sleep.

I had wanted to read Harry Potter to finish the book. Well, when I felt better, I finally “woke” up and stayed up till around 0630 am. I took my morning meds and then tried to go to sleep. I slept for about 3 hours when I heard my sister yelling. I have no idea what the fuck she was doing or saying but it woke me up. I had to pee so went downstairs. My mother was in the bathroom and I have no idea what she was doing as she was looking for something. I got her out of the way so I could pee. I then brushed my teeth after using some mouthwash to disinfect my mouth. I might use it again as my mouth still feels yucky. I had coffee and some pop tarts. Then I had an orange as I wanted some fruit. Big mistake. My stomach ache came back and I had heartburn. I was also really thirsty so I drank a lot of water. I had set my alarm to take some Miralax. I wanted to go back to sleep as I felt dizzy and hungover from lack of sleep but took the stuff as I am so backed up. I have no idea when I went last but I do know that when I did, my stools were hard as a rock. I am disappointed the fiber pills didn’t work. The next time I take them, I will take half of what I took the other night.

I decided to shave last night. It is going to be hard to grow a beard because I don’t really like the fuzz on my face. Maybe it is the fuzz and not the hair because I do like my goatee and it is coming in much better than it did before. Under my chin, there is a nice growth. I am pleased with this. My psych never responded with the emails I sent her. I kept thinking about her all day yesterday. Today is her last day and I am worried I won’t be able to email her anymore. It will kill me to email her and then get a “address doesn’t exist anymore” response. Then I will have to call her and I don’t feel comfortable doing so because it isn’t so urgent I talk with her. I was talking with one of my friends who happened to be up around 2 in the morning. She was pissing me off more than she was helping. She wanted me to call her but I was like why? It isn’t urgent and I am not in crisis. Then she texted back, I am glad. Fuck, seriously?? Just because I missed my psych doesn’t mean I should call her every time I do. I was so annoyed. Then she said a few of her alters were guarding her (she has DID) and she hasn’t cried but this alter has. I then asked who I was speaking to. She said it was her but I was confused because her name begins with an S and was similar to the alter’s name, which also began with S. Sometimes I do talk with an alter and I don’t realize it until she said something she doesn’t usually say. Right before I was saying goodnight, she was telling me her bad alter was trying to come out. This alter wants to kill her. I had to stop the conversation because I didn’t want to deal. I was worried about her but she said she would be okay. I hope she is.

I played games and read some of Harry throughout the night. I might be able to finish the book tonight. Depends if I can keep my eyes open. I still need to do my med boxes for the week. I think I will do it when I am finished writing this blog. I am so damn tired. My foot is what kept me up most of the night. Felt like someone was crushing it so bad. Nothing was helping me until I realized I never took my pain meds. D’oh! I had taken Neurontin but I didn’t include the pain med with it. I also took an Ativan so my brain would try and stop thinking of my psych. I was so damn anxious I wouldn’t be able to communicate with her via email anymore. It is the only way I can communicate with her on stuff. I find it helps to write to her when I am upset. I don’t want to always call her when I need her. Most of the time it is after 8pm and I don’t think she will like me calling her that late all the time. I have no idea if her pager will still work. She said so during our last appointment. I miss her so damn much and it has only been a week. I haven’t gotten the Lamictal level back yet. It probably will be tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. I don’t have any contacts in the lab anymore as most of the people have either left or retired. The number has changed and I don’t have it. Fricken sucks I am out of the lab and no longer have any access to it other than physically going there. I might be able to call the esoteric person who is in charge of sendout testing but I don’t know if I have his number or if he retired as well. Fricken suck. I miss the lab so much. I am kind of concerned that one of my urine tests came back negative but the culture came back positive for bacteria. There was a moderate amount of it so I don’t understand why my doc sent me a letter saying the infection was all cleared up. Weird.

I have a lot of appointments this week that I am not looking forward to. Tomorrow is PT, Tuesday is my TG doc, and Wed is my eye doc. The TG I am looking forward to but not the commute, on all of these. It is going to be hot and I hate walking in hot, muggy weather. I know the TG doc is going to want to do blood work and I am not looking forward to that as the phlebotomist had a hard time getting me when I went for the Lamictal level. Took two people to find a vein. Just sucks trying to get my blood because I am such a hard stick. Plus, my veins tend to run when they see the needle, LOL. I really want a turkey sandwich. I need to go to the grocery store. I stupidly deleted my iced coffee instead of the cold brew I ordered. I was so made at myself. My sister bought turkey bacon so I will make that. Not the same as turkey breast but least it is something.

tough painful week

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough painful week

I’ve had a rough week both physically and emotionally. Monday I semi said goodbye to my psych of 26 years. She still wants to care for me so when she finds another home, she will call me. She is not sure where she will be as she has not thought that far. I totally understand that. I figure it might be a few months but in the meantime I will still be in contact with her either through phone or email. I started having side effects of my mood stabilizer, which is really bad timing as I am not currently under direct care of a psychiatrist. My psych is trying to push seeing someone faster. My pcp’s social worker is also trying to get me to see a gender affirming psych that is joining the clinic. I just had bloods drawn for a level as last time I was barely therapeutic. I am having double vision and just to make sure there isn’t something wrong with my eyes, I am seeing my eye doc next week.

I had PT which was sort of good. On Saturday, I did some stuff around my room. Sunday I did a little more even though my back didn’t like it. Monday I was okay until I was coming home from my psych’s appointment. Back flared up terribly. I was still hurting when I saw my PT on Tuesday. She gave me some decompressing exercises to do. I was really hurting past few days as I have been having pain go down my leg and the pain was near my spine yesterday when I was coming home from the therapist appointment.

The therapist appointment went well. I found out what kind of therapist she is and I think it is going to work out. She loves the Sox and we both have the same favorite player, though she is a lot more obsessive than I am about him!! At one point, I thought she was going to jump down my throat when I was criticizing him and she stopped me before I could say anything. Yikes! I have my next appointment with her the week after next. She is a CBT therapist but also has some DBT stuff. I am going to bring her my copy of Craig Bryan’s CBT for suicide attempters and see if she is receptive to it. If she isn’t, then I guess that will be okay and we can go from there. I will have a hard time with it though as I feel like I have all these things that could possibly help me with my suicidality but I don’t have a therapist to go along with it and it frustrates the hell out of me! I did ask her if she would turn me away and she said no. I was relieved to hear this. Maybe she will work out after all.

My sister had sent me texts Wed saying she wanted to take my stuff upstairs today. I told her no as I knew I would be hurting as I have all week. Fortunately, she decided to go to the beach so I didn’t have to deal with her. We haven’t really spoken kind words to each other since she moved in. I really don’t care as she really hasn’t been there and doesn’t understand anything I have been going through since I have been on disability. I really don’t see this changing. Maybe when the work on the house is done with but certainly not right now.

A couple of hours ago, I used the bathroom. I normally don’t really look in the mirror as I hate my face. Today I did and much to my surprise, I have darker hair around my jawline! The fuzz is becoming darker. I was so excited. I knew I had to post transition pics, which I did on Instagram and facebook. I kind of did on Twitter, too, though didn’t give as big a description. Kind of hard to do when you only have 240 characters. I just sent it out to a couple of people that want to keep track of my transition. I hope when my T gets increased next week, the facial hair will come in faster and darker. I would love to come downstairs one morning and shock the hell out of my mother with a beard. I am not sure she knows I am on T. I sure as hell didn’t tell her. I am not sure if she asked my sisters or if my sisters told her. She hasn’t said a word to me about anything. I have mentioned that I will be having my breasts removed. She didn’t seem to like that at all. Yet she wants me to be “happy.” I don’t think I can ever be happy as I don’t know what the hell it is. I rather be content but the way things are going, I doubt that will ever happen. I forced myself to shower because some icky water fell on me. I have this thing that turns musty smells to water and the container fell on me. I had to shower. I was hurting afterwards. My back wanted to kill me. I started getting suicidal thoughts again. I have been having them on and off since being discharged from the hospital. They haven’t been really bad like they were. I have thought on a few occasions to end it and started to plan it but once the pain backed off, so did the planning. I just wish something helped with the flares. Since changing my meds to something else, nothing has worked for the flares. The 24/7 pain has been lowered. I wake up with a 2 or 3 but sometimes if I have more than a few days activity, I will have ankle/foot pain that is more than I can bear. I haven’t been able to find something to help ease that pain. Distraction works but only to a point. I could watch a movie but soon as that movie is over, the pain returns, sometimes worse than what it was before I started watching the movie. Last night I did five cryptograms. It was really cool as I really miss doing them. I started to remember the hacks. Some were really too difficult for me so had to go to a new puzzle. One quote was perfect for my psych so I sent it to her. I also sent her the transition pics and the excitement about growing in a beard. I half want to shave the stuff off just to see if it would grow back thicker but my friends told me to leave it alone. Hair under my chin is growing more together. Just wish it was in the middle of my chin. There is still a bare spot.

Guess that is all for today. Not sure if I will post over the weekend. It has been difficult finding my words lately, hence the spotty posts. Thanks for reading and understanding.

Sunday blog 23062019

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 23062019

I woke up with minor back pain that has only gotten worse as I moved around. My mother hasn’t been feeling good so I made her dinner and that was my breaking point. I can barely move and I can’t lay reclining on my back because my CRPS foot goes bananas. I am so uncomfortable. I did some more stuff today. I cleaned out a tub drawer that has come sheets in it. I washed them so I can put that back clean. They have been in there for quite some time so needed to be washed again.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. Around 330 I was listening to blaring music. Apparently, I was hallucinating because no one else heard it. I had texted my nephew to lower his game. He said the neighbors were arguing. I told him about the music and he said there was no music playing. Fuck. I almost always become psychotic when I am really stressed out. Seems last night I was stressed. I was up till after 4. I honest have no clue what time I fell asleep. I woke up briefly when my med alarm went off but I didn’t get up to take my meds. I took them around noon when I woke up. I honestly didn’t want to but my bladder said I had no choice. I still get the feeling that I am going to lose control when I stand. And today with the back pain I had pain going down my leg. I immediately started having intrusive memories of when I had cauda equina syndrome (CES) the first time. This time is slightly different as the back pain is mostly on my left side where the pain is going down into my left leg. This is the same leg I have the CRPS. I hope I haven’t shifted a disc or something. I am hoping it is just sciatica and nothing more.

My sister was out of the house so I had a peaceful day. We barely spoke to each other when she came home. It was strained but polite. We were worried about my mother as her speech was slightly slurred. I can never tell if it is the beginning of a stroke or her sugar about to crash. The symptoms are similar and I get freaked out. I had called my other sister to let her know because I didn’t want her to come home with an ambulance at the door. Then she would have gotten mad that I didn’t call her. She got mad because I called her and she wasn’t home. WTF I can’t win with these people. I think I am doing the right thing and it is wrong.

My CRPS foot/ankle have been feeling like it is being stabbed since I got up. It was probably because of not taking my ER pain med in the morning. I have no idea why I didn’t take it before going to sleep like I usually do. Maybe I just wanted to get up to bake cookies. I really did want to make these damn cookies but fucking back said no. I could barely stand more than five minutes without it flaring up. I am sad I didn’t make them but I am at the hosp on Thursday so I can bring them by to my psych if I make them on Wed when I don’t have any appointments. I have three this week, my psych, PT, and the therapist.

I finally broke down today. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop even though I tried. I really hope I don’t ugly cry tomorrow. I really don’t like crying but this is so damn devastating. I am so fucking angry at the institution. We both got screwed by them in our respective departments. I got forced on disability and she got forced out because she didn’t want a lower position. I really don’t blame her. I blame the fucking place for kicking her out after 30 fucking years. The fricken profession is short of child psychiatrists and they kick out a good one?? Makes me so fucking angry. I half don’t want my care there anymore. Too many bad memories there. But I really have no where else to go just like my home life.

Because my back is almost out, I am not risking a shower. I set my alarm an hour before I have to leave so I can possibly shower. I hate that the appointment is in the morning but I guess it is better than later. I just started drinking. I had taken my pain meds and within a half hour, my MP3 player played Eric Church’s Mixed Drinks About Feelings. It hit me hard and I felt like having a shot. Then I wanted another. I might have a few more. Then I took my night meds. I am in a don’t give a fuck mood. I am in too much fucking pain to care if I get drunk. Honey whiskey is so damn smooth. Hard to just have one shot anyways.