Depression affects millions of people. It does not discriminate. It is a hidden illness as the signs are not always obvious. Lethargy, fatigue, loss of interest, loss of pleasurable things and activities are common. Personal hygiene is another common dysfunction that is not really discussed outside a clinician’s office. They may not shower every day or even brush their teeth.
I have suffered from depression most of my life and it’s only been over the past few years that my hygiene has suffered. I don’t shower every day. I barely brush my teeth. I don’t use deodorants unless I remember to. I might brush my teeth once every few days, though it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s mostly because I don’t care at times or because my post nasal drip (PND) causes me to gag and be nauseous. Because there have been many mornings where I am gagging and puking, I have gotten in the habit of not brushing my teeth every day or brushing later in the day when my stomach settles. Most days I really just forget because it just isn’t a priority for me. The PND has also gone on for years and I can say that it has caused me to feel bad about myself because I can’t take care of my teeth. Both my parents have dentures and that is the last thing that I want but when you feel so low, you don’t want to do anything. Even less so when you feel sick to your stomach. So I try to brush before bed and get in that habit but it is not easy. I have become easily distracted so if I go to the bathroom and do my business, I might not remember to brush. Sometimes I will if my mouth feels yucky. I think a lot of people with this condition don’t take care of themselves but are too embarrassed to admit they don’t take care of their oral hygiene. It is the same with personal hygiene.
I just don’t think about this anymore mostly because I know I will end up losing my teeth if I don’t. I have even stopped going to the dentist for fear of being reprimanded. I feel bad about my hygiene habits. Bust most days you only have enough spoons to do one or two things for the day. If showering and brushing your teeth are those two things, that doesn’t leave much for the rest of the day. I’m lucky that some days I go out and get my coffee at Starbucks. Usually that means no shower. Which leaves you with one spoon. Spoon theory (https://midnightdemons7.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/spoon-theory-explained/) is the equivalent of the amount of energy people have that do not have a chronic medical or mental condition that affect daily activities. Most people can take a shower, brush their teeth, get dressed, and then go out into the world to do what they have to do. This is not so with someone with a chronic health condition, being physical or mental. For those of us with chronic illness, it is not that easy. What used to take me 20 minutes now takes 40 or more, depending on how much pain or energy I have.
For me, it takes about 30 minutes to get dressed only because it is difficult for me to decide what to wear. What color jeans, socks, shirt or what kind of jeans I want to wear. Indecision is the biggest problem with me. I have too many and I can’t just chose one. I guess it could be worse. I could just be trying on clothes and take them off like some people do.
Tag: psychosis
Moments
How I feel right now is pitiful indeed. My thoughts are surrounded by suicidal ideation and I really don’t think I can get out this month without trying to end my life. The feelings are hard pressed. They cut through me like a knife, they hit me deep within my soul. The midnight demons I call them are going to kill me one day. I just cannot seem to stop thinking of ending my life. I have a date and how I am going to do it. I just need to figure out the where and what time. No one will stop me. I have decided that I am not going to tell anyone except this online blog. I know that what I am feeling right now will change by morning and I won’t feel this way again until after the midnight hour. The pain is horrible and fills every crevice of my being. I can’t go on feeling like this but it is just a moment. I have to try and remember that and that it will pass. I get so tired of feeling this way all the time. I plan to the nth degree the end of my suffering in detail and then when the time comes to execute my plan, I most of the time do not have the energy to do it or the will or the feeling to say, yea my time has come. I feel evil and demonic and most of all crazy with this feeling of I have to get rid of this feeling. It’s like a never ending game and it hits every year. I feel trapped and isolated. No one knows my suffering. No one really cares that I am suffering. NO one wants me to die but I don’t want to live. These moments will pass but the thoughts are all that I will have left on this blog. I doubt by morning light I will not remember this turmoil I am going through right now. It is killing me with every fiber of my being not to act on the impulse that I feel. But I do not want to be found in my house. I will find a hotel room and do my deed there or just drive some place off in the horizon. This moment will pass…this moment will pass…this moment will pass…
ramblings 7
I am totally wiped out doing nothing. I have been feeling low the past week or so and it just gets worse. I have a hard time motivating myself to get dressed or to take a shower. I just don’t feel like it. Today I wanted to make a pumpkin pie but I bought the wrong kind of pie crust. Least according to my mother I did. I am too lazy to go back to S&S to return it.
My foot has been aching since Friday. I don’t know why my foot always bothers me more on weekends than during the week. It also makes me just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I was able to write a story about my attempt this weekend. I am trying to write another paper about psychache and the assessment for it but I don’t think I have the energy for it and I hate it. I just can’t get my thoughts together about what I want to say in this paper, which is part of the problem and the other half of it is procrastination. Why I am procrastinating is puzzling. It’s not like I have a deadline for this. It is just a paper that I am writing for fun. I want to analyze about psychache and the assessments used for it, almost like a compare/contrast. Problem lies that my meds are making it difficult to concentrate on my paper and reading the articles supporting my argument. I hate taking meds affecting my thinking but I have no choice. It’s either take them or end up back in the nut house.
Disappointed the Pats lost due to one stinking point. They had the lead and they blew it to lose by one stinking point!! ARGH!!!!
In my baseball world, Detroit beat the Skankees 3 zip at home in the Bronx, taking a 2-0 ALDS lead. Sweet revenge having them lose at home. I hope Detroit continues to win and beat those overpaid bastards.
Moodwise I have been in a miserable mood. Mostly stemming from a bad relationship. But I’m over it. I just wish my heart can move on as quickly as my mind can.
Pain sucks no matter how you slice it
Since yesterday at 6 am I have been in pain with my ankle/foot, all due to the lovely nerve condition I have called cauda equina syndrome. I have the risidual effects of it and it sucks. No doctor can do anything about it and I’m going insane. So seeing as I can’t do anything about it until maybe my pain meds kick in, I’m blogging about it.
Being in pain for the past 24 hrs sucks. I couldn’t wash the dishes in the sink, can’t shower, couldn’t go to my cousin’s graduation party today all because I had crappy sleep and am in a really bitchy mood. I’m usually an ok person but lately I have been getting more and more pissed off about anything that is said the wrong way or looks the wrong way (and I don’t know what way is right by the way). I just know I am hurting and no doctor cares that I am in pain 24/7. Sure I have a lot of friends that care and would love to see me not suffer as much but other than soothing my aloneness, they really can’t help the gnawing, aching, bursting bouts of pain that I get. It is no longer nerve pain because my dear friend neurontin would happily take care of it. Nope it is a physical pain that requires the use of narcotic agents that everyone says is bad and addicting. Here is where people go wrong between addiction and chronic pain. See those with chronic pain rarely abuse their narcs nor do they get high off of them. If they do, they probably are not in the type of pain they think they are in. Addicts seek out pain meds to get high. They don’t have pain they just need something to take their jones away and always require higher levels of meds do it in. I am in the chronic pain categrory and I can tell you I rarely take more than 4 pills a day. But seeing as it has been almost 48 hrs without relief, I’m going to take my 5th pill of the day to get some relief I hope. Because of I don’t get any relief soon, I know the psychosis is going to start and then things are really going to go bad. Mostly the psychosis is because I am under a great deal of stress and being in chronic pain is a huge stressor.
Sadly before this condition I thought being in physical pain was better than psychache. But it is not. True there are analgesics to help ease the physical pain but not when it goes on for hours on end. The only time I can get some relief is if I don’t move my foot/ankle at all. See there is a muscle/tendon that I’m constantly inflamming and it is why I have this pain. It is called in medical terms the peroneous brevis and longus muscle and tendons that are hurting me. Again all because of nerve injury because I have ankle weakness which causes fatigue which then leads me to walking whatever way I want to keep walking or going up and downstairs. I hate it but nothing can be done about. No surgery, no injection, nothing. Nothing even shows up on an xray or mri but that is where the pain is or is it along the S1 dermatome? I don’t know and don’t care. I’m just tired of being in pain every hour of the day for days on end!!
See the psychosis is bad because the voices have been telling me if I cut the tendon, I will be better. It will solve my problems. Only thing is if I cut I might not be able to stop the bleeding so that is why I haven’t done it yet. I am that desperate for pain control I would take a razor to my skin and excise the bad stuff to alleviate it…
So no mattter how bad I want to slice and dice, I have no measures to control the bleeding and I really do not want to soak my bed or my rug with my blood. Only option I have left is to suffer…and blog about it 😦
midnightdemons7 
You must be logged in to post a comment.