Tag: recurrent major depression with psychotic features

Sunday Blog 06122020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 06122020

Another Sunday has passed through. Weeks keep flying; there is no stopping time. My birthday will be in seventeen days. I am not looking forward to it. I hate my birthday. I like my name day better. No one knows it and doesn’t give me grief about it. I blame my mother for the reason I hate my birthday. All because when I was 16 she threw me a surprise birthday at my grandmother’s house and I had to spend it with people I hated. I wanted to be alone and she didn’t want me to be alone. She is a real bitch. She knew I hated her side of the family. I still do. I want nothing to do with them at all.

I didn’t eat today. I have no appetite. I drank an Ensure so I have something in my stomach other than pills and Powerade. I had coffee and I didn’t even finish that. I am having a lot of pain on my left side of my neck. I took a couple of Ativan to calm it down with some Tylenol. I hope I sleep tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow morning so I can get tested for Covid. My sister tested positive yesterday. I have been staying in my room as much as possible and wearing my mask when I am not in my room.

I did my meds for the week. I really didn’t want to take the Latuda but I don’t want to suffer from withdrawals from it so I took it. I don’t want to take the citalopram either as it isn’t doing much of nothing too. I am not happy that these meds I am taking that are supposed to help haven’t. Least the voices are under control. I hope the psychiatrist doesn’t stop the med because of the mood and leave me hanging for a psych med for the voices. The whole reason I wanted to be on the Latuda was for voices not as a mood stabilizer, for fuck sake.

I am so damn tired. I hope I sleep tonight. My foot is bothering me but it isn’t excruciating like it has the past couple of days. I bought a glycolic wash that I plan to use once I shave my beard. It will be in a the next few weeks as I am getting tired of it. It gets long and then I want to shave it off. It is cold today. I still have the ceiling fan on because it gets hot in my room. I can’t stand it when it is hot. I like being cold in my room. I still have the AC in. It probably will be in year round as I haven’t bothered my brother in law to take it out. The weather has been warm like every other day so it is good that I have the AC in the window. The really cold winter weather hasn’t started. I am grateful for that.

groceries and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Groceries and other stuff

I had my grocery delivery today. I got everything that I ordered and when I was putting the chicken patties away, I saw another package in the freezer. I must have bought them and totally forgot about them. I took out the hamburger rolls from the freezer to thaw out so I could make them but I had meatloaf leftovers instead.

Ankle has been hurting me all day and both foot and ankle got ice cold so I have thermal socks on now. The pain has been bad and has put me in a bad mood. I tried taking a nap earlier and couldn’t settle down enough to sleep. I rested for an hour. I took my BT med around 1500. I gave in to take it. My ankle is now still having the same kind of pain so I might take another one. My feet aren’t hot so I am going to keep the socks on until they are. It is cold in my room but I like it. I still have the AC in the window. My brother in law hasn’t taken it out yet. I got to call and remind him. He has been weirder than usual lately so I don’t want to bother him.

I did the check in earlier today when I wasn’t okay. I wrote a few sentences about it. I couldn’t go into more than that. I used the Dario app. I find that it is sometimes easy to write on it. It gives characters used and a word count which I find useful. I thought about tweeting what I wrote because it was within the character limit but I didn’t. I would have had to figure out how to copy and paste and I didn’t want to.

I have been having cramps for the past couple of hours and it is really annoying because I don’t know if it is the bladder or uterus. I had emptied my bladder a couple of hours ago and it hurt afterwards. I don’t know why. Hope I don’t have an infection. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital to drop off a specimen. If it continues I will get in touch with my PCP over my uro, though I am seeing my uro next week for the urodynamic testing. I am so nervous about it. I hate being exposed and having things stuck in me. It is so triggering for me because of the trauma I went through as a kid for a similar test. Those memories still haunt me. I hated that they refused to let my mother in the room after me screaming for her. I was just so scared me being like 4 or 5 years old.

checking in and asking myself if I am okay

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Checking in and asking myself if I am okay?

Yesterday I had a meaningful conversation with my therapist about being “okay”. She doesn’t like how I manage myself because it is very slippery. She also said that I am high risk and that is something to be really worried about when I have bad days. She told me that most times I am hanging by a thread and I say I am okay but I really am not. I told her she should call it out more. She said that will piss me off and even though it will, I will try to hear it with an open mind.

So with this information, she wanted me to set a goal for the week. I couldn’t come up with anything so she suggested that I check in with myself and see if I am ok. I am to write this check in every day. Right now that seems impossible because it takes work to do this. I have many platforms to use to write in and I think I am going to do a little old school and new school. I am going to use the app Dario a try and then write in my therapy journal so that I have easy access to it when I see her again on Monday.

I just asked her how long it needs to be and her response was “as long as it needs to be”. That doesn’t fricken help me! I can write just one sentence and be done with it. I can be concise when I want to be and this is sounding like it is going to be concise for me. I might blog one day about it but it isn’t going to be the entire 500 words that I typically write. I don’t think I can write 500 words on if I am okay or not.

My left hamstring is bothering me again. I hate when it flares up as there is nothing I can do about it. I haven’t been successful in stretching the fucker out. I think I need to ask the PT how to stretch it out because I can’t seem to do it on my own. I just went to the bathroom and my back flared up with a spasm. I tripped over a step going back up the stairs and now my bad foot is acting up. I am in great shape today. OMG today has been bad with the back and spasms. I had to take an Ativan.

I got my urodynamic testing next week and I am really nervous about it. I know it will show a change as I am peeing normally again but I am worried it will still show that I need to take a pill to go because I still have retention. I might be able to get off the bladder muscle relaxer as I don’t cath anymore. I will ask. I just hope that I am not retaining urine after I void. If I do, I might need to cath to get it out. I really don’t want to go back to cathing. It isn’t fun.

Saturday Blog 28112020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 28112020

I woke up and went to the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth because my sister was bitching about needing to shower. She couldn’t wait and I didn’t want to hear her so I will brush later. Maybe she will go out and I don’t have to hear her today. I came back to my room and my foot exploded. I am in a 10 out of 10 pain right now, 10 being the worst. I didn’t do anything but climb the stairs back to my room. I might have twisted it a little as there was stuff on the damn stairs to be brought upstairs. I don’t know. All I know is that I am hurting and I won’t be able to pick up my prescription today.

The concert last night was so fucking awesome. I don’t think I stopped smiling until I fell asleep a half hour before it ended, around 2130. I couldn’t help falling asleep. I was so relaxed. I slept through the night for the first time in forever. Encore is tonight so I will hear what I missed. Hopefully I won’t fall asleep again! I really enjoyed myself. I don’t think I ever enjoyed a concert so much. I knew all the songs except one and it is an album I don’t hear very often. The chat that went on was very cool. If a song was playing that no one knew there was some people that responded with the name of the song. It was so fucking awesome hearing her play her music.

I won’t be able to get groceries this month. I will just get my drinks and maybe something else but that is all. I will have to go to the grocery store to get what I need. I don’t really need anything except for the drinks. I am running low.

I need to shower today. If the bitch sister is out, I might shave as well. Depends how the foot pain goes. I really need to shave. But if I can’t, a shower is more important. I just want to go back to sleep. I am so tired and I just woke up. I hate when you feel tired when you wake up. I need coffee. I have been switching it up, drinking between Newman’s Own, Starbucks breakfast blend and Pike. I have been drinking solely coffee since I don’t go to Starbucks anymore for my espresso. I miss having my espresso drinks.

I want to watch Mandalorian today. I hear baby Yoda is more adorable than ever. I’ve seen the new memes and he is so fucking cute. I also want to watch the Taylor Swift documentary on her latest album. I got to be in the mood to watch shows or I just don’t watch. I am paying for the service but I don’t watch all the time. I get bored easily.

I just sent my therapist a letter about something that is bothering me the last time we met. She said that my management of my crisis is the wrong answer. I don’t know what the “right” answer is so we need to talk about this because it is really pissing me off. I am still here during my darkest nights so I think that says something. Most importantly, I don’t attempt when I feel so bad.

I am getting hungry. I want to make scrambled eggs with cheese and put hot sauce on it. Frank’s came out with a chili lime that I love. My nephew likes it too. He is the king of hot sauce stuff. He buys different ones to try. Think I will get him some from Amazon for Christmas. He will love it. He loves habanero sauces. I do, too.