Tag: recurrent major depression with psychotic features

Sunday Blog 07032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 07032021

I am sitting in my kitchen while the floor guys work on my stairs and floors. The smell is awful. It is cold outside so I won’t open a window just yet. My shoulder is tingly this morning. I put heat on it and that settled it down some. Now it is back to tingly. I don’t know why it tingles and just in one spot. I wish I brought clothes down so I could take a shower. I won’t be able to go up to my room at least until tonight. Going to be another long day of sitting. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I got my roller bag in my room. The porch is blocked off so I can’t get the reusable bags. Sucks. I won’t be able to go to the grocery store anyways as I don’t have jeans on. I just have my PJs. I don’t have access to my room because the stairs are still wet. I think the guys are done now. I can’t imagine it taking too long to put down another coat of poly.

I am going to try and write today. I am writing an essay I hope to be 1000 words about being in therapy for thirty years. I just hope I can stay on topic. I wish I had my notebook it would be easier to write. Then I could type it all up. I find that I write better that way than writing off the word document.

I am having a second cup of coffee because I am so tired. Yesterday I had two cups too, though I didn’t finish the second cup. I had to go downstairs for a sweatshirt because I can’t go upstairs to get mine. I am wearing my brother in law’s and it is nice and roomy. I also brought up a scarf as the window is behind me and bothers my neck. It is cold today. I have to open the windows and door to let the smell of the poly go out.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. I was finally able to get it off of dropbox and put the music on my phone. It took several attempts for my stupid MP3 player to recognize it. I love this acoustic album. She always wanted one and I am glad she finally got it with all her great songs. There are 26 songs so it is about two hours and ten minutes or so long. It was a wonderful evening. I fell asleep the first time I heard it because it was so soothing and relaxing. I had to listen to it again. A few days after the concert the songs were available for purchase. I bought them right away. I love her music so much.

My sister made chicken cacciatore for dinner. It was really good. I had some soup before I went downstairs to eat so I am pretty full right now. My mother liked it. It was a good family meal. I feel so tired right now. I want to check on the floor to see if it is tacky or not so I can go upstairs to my room. I think it will be good in a couple of hours so I am trying to be patient. I did check and the floor and stairs aren’t tacky so I can go up them. Thank god. I need my bed. I am so tired from sitting in a chair all day. I got heat on my neck and shoulders right now. My neck pain is starting to act up again. I need to do my meds for the week and then lay down. I need to rest my neck as I have been sitting straight all day.

A Tired Saturday Blog 06032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A tired Saturday Blog 06032021

I woke up at six with what I thought was my mother screaming out in pain. Turns out it was just a dream. My mother was safely sleeping in her bed when I came down to check on her and use the bathroom. I slept for an hour before I had to collect my stuff because the guys are doing the floor and stairs today. I won’t be in my room all day. It is going to be a long day. I wish I could go to a Starbucks and just sit there for the afternoon. Sucks the pandemic takes so much away from you.

I didn’t get a book. I don’t know what to read. I have so many books I can’t pick one. My right shoulder is tingly today. It worries me when it tingles. The PT says it is just muscle movement because of the severity of the knots. I have to do my exercises today. I forgot my heat wrap in my room so I won’t be able to get it. I will have to use some towels or something to make a heat pack.

I sent my therapist some tips on dealing with a suicidal person. I hope she reads it. It is important stuff. The thing that pisses me off is that she always wants to pass me off to some group when I am suicidal. I feel like she can’t handle me and it is not a good feeling. I feel like I am too much for her. I see her Mon and we will talk about this. I just hope she read one of my blogs that I sent her about the response plan. I think it is important.

I have been craving cool ranch dorito chips and I finally got them. It has been the only chips that I have eaten in a while. I usually don’t buy chips because they usually go stale by the time I finish the bag. I only eat a handful at a time and that is it. I didn’t buy a big back. Just a snack bag so that will be plenty. My sister made egg rolls and they were good. I think I will have tuna for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. Yesterday I had Filet o Fish for dinner. It was good. I love McD’s fish sandwich. My sister has some rye bread and celery so I will make the tuna downstairs. It will be a lot quieter than up here where the men are sanding my floors. I hope it isn’t going to be a two day project.

Baseball Spring Training has begun. My Sox are doing well but it is so hard watching them because my favorite players aren’t there anymore. I am very heartbroken that JBJ (Jackie Bradley Jr.) got signed with the Brewers in Milwaukie. There are only three players on the field that I know and like 3 pitchers. All the rest of the guys are new. My 3Bs are gone from the outfield. No more “Win, Dance, Repeat” shenanigans. I will miss my boys. I hope they do well where they are now. I am sure they will. They have great talent. A shame the Red Sox was too cheap to keep them.

shaving again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shaving again

Yesterday I took my beard down to a stubble and then today I used my electric shaver to take it off. It feels good to be clean shaven again. I have two appointments today that are close to one another. I haven’t figured out where I will be for my psychiatrist’s appointment. It is virtual. I am tempted to make my PT virtual but then I don’t get the hands on that I need.

Tomorrow I am seeing my barber to get my mop cut. It is much too long and is annoying me. I’ll have it trimmed a little bit so that it isn’t so long. I think I might go with a side look and bald fade again. My barber does an excellent bald fade.

I slept okay last night but I am still so tired. I feel like I can sleep another couple of hours. Coffee helped wake me up a little bit. I had the belVita biscuits with it. It is my favorite breakfast. I bought different flavors of the biscuits so I wouldn’t get bored. I need to buy more. I plan on going out to the supermarket tomorrow after my haircut.

Therapy went well yesterday. We talked about CBT therapy and how thinking negative thoughts influences behavior. I am to write down my negative thoughts but not ruminate about them. I haven’t done this yet. I have trouble identifying negative thoughts when I have them so this is going to be a tough assignment.

My leg and ankle were hurting me so bad yesterday I just wanted to cry and stay in bed but my mother had a visiting nurse come and I had to stay with her in case there were issues. I think that is why I am so tired today is because of all the pain I was in yesterday. It is a lot to deal with. My ankle is still hurting me today because it is so cold out and windy. The temp dropped like almost 20 degrees. It hurts.

I am trying to keep myself hydrated. I forget to drink during the day and then wonder why I haven’t peed. I am still constipated so need to keep up with the Miralax to keep going. I sort of woke up in pain this morning because I was sleeping on my right shoulder. I hate when that happens because it is nerve pain. I decided to change my in person PT appointment to virtual because I don’t feel like going out. I am in too much pain with my ankle. The pain is throbbing.

waking up in pain sucks!

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waking up in pain sucks!

I woke up around five this morning in pain. My right shoulder was killing me. I could barely move it, it was so painful. I took some pain meds and some Zanaflex and just waited for it to kick in before going back to sleep. I woke up an hour later having to use the bathroom. I postponed my med alarm to go off at 10 instead of 8 so I could sleep in a little. I still feel like shit. I just had coffee and something to eat.

I don’t know if my mother is coming home today. Doctor hasn’t called my sister yet or talked to my mother. She was in there because her blood pressure was unstable. Then her sugars dropped to the point they needed to give her glucagon. She has been on a sliding scale with her insulin since and her sugars have been more stable. I miss her being home even though it is stressful at times.

I finally was able to put some heat on my side where there are muscle knots. It felt better but then my neck started hurting me and it still continues to hurt. I will try to put heat on later in the day. I really haven’t been doing it the past few days because I have been lazy. I am not sure if I am going to go to the grocery store or not. I need to get Gatorade. I don’t plan on getting more than 10 bottles at a time because that is all I can handle. I do need to get some juice for my mother but that is all.

I feel like all the energy I ever had has been sucked out of me. I feel so lifeless. Everything feels so heavy, my legs and arms especially. I feel so blah and hopeless, like nothing is ever going to change. I have therapy tomorrow and am going to ask her what she meant by saying that I am “in my head”. I really am not looking forward to therapy. She can be such a bitch at times. She wants me to be more collaborative and I am trying. I just don’t think we will ever be on the same side of things. I get she has her experience in the field and knows what may help me. But I don’t think having groups is the answer for me. I am involved in two support groups that have helped me immensely on Facebook, one of which I am the admin for. I haven’t been able to find a mental illness/depression support group that isn’t all about suicide and its members writing how they want to die all the time and no one really supporting them or the members saying they are going to end their life, see ya later type of messages. It really gets me down and makes me feel so helpless because there are so many people suffering like that. I get it because I feel that way too.

I pre-ordered the book Suicidal thoughts workbook by Kathryn Gordon, PhD. I don’t know when it will come out so I just tweeted her. I would love to see if this book helps. Maybe I can get my therapist to get it as well. I’ve been struggling past few days with my suicidal thoughts. I still feel like things would be better if I were dead.