Tag: recurrent major depression

therapy and suicide stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and suicide stuff

My therapist shocked me by bringing up some suicide research. I knew what she was talking about though I really wanted the articles she was reading. I did my own research after we talked and think I found some articles that she may have read. I am going to ask her next week what articles she was reading. I am interested to know. She also thought that me thinking of suicide when my pain is great is what is making me depressed. She obviously doesn’t know that suicide planning can be a relief because you have an escape anytime you want. It is important to think about when you are feeling trapped. She wants me to have contact with my support groups and to reach out to NAMI. I am not so sure about NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). She wants me to be an advocate but advocating isn’t really my thing.

Because I was curious about what article my therapist has read, I did a search for the author I think she may have been reading. I found two articles that I was interested in and may have been what she read. I didn’t realize when I printed it out that one of them was 67 pages long! I was like WTF. It was a long ass article but I hope to read through it sometime today. The other one was a measly 14 pages in comparison. I might start with the smaller article first as it really is what I am interested in.

I didn’t eat too good yesterday. Today I was hungry so made some boiled eggs and toast. It was good. It is really humid today and hot, though not as hot as the weekend was. I emptied my recycles and have been slowly clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. It is always such a task to do this. Every time I clear it off I vow never to put stuff on the bed yet I break it within a week or two.

I need to shower today but I am not 100% into it because it is humid in the house. I hate it but my nephew is on vacation. I wish he was working so I could just wrap the towel around me and go to my room to get dressed. I need to shave again. Such a hassle sometimes. I have to be in the mood to do it. Otherwise I just use my electric shaver for a decent shave instead of a close one.

I think I am going to go to Walgreens to get a bar of acne soap. I had an acne wash but my fricken niece used it all on me. I hate that she was using my stuff. I have been having oily skin lately and that is always a recipe for more zits.

Father’s Day 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Father’s day 2020

I had a good father’s day despite being in pain. My sister made yummy shrimp scampi and my other sister made dessert. I haven’t had it yet. I probably will later when it comes upstairs. I don’t feel like going downstairs again. My back is bothering me big time and is spasming. I wanted to empty my recycles today but never got around to do it. I guess there is always tomorrow for this job. I also need to throw out my trash.

I need to change my sheets this week. It is overdue for changing. I just have been lazy trying to clear off my bed so I can change them. I have a clean set so soon as I strip the bed, I can get them on again. I just haven’t decided if I am going to use the same bedding or change it to different blankets. I usually do. I think I will. So now it is just a matter of clearing off the bed and then stripping it. I just hope I can do it on my own without help.

I weighed myself today and much to my surprise, I lost five pounds. Only twenty-five more to go. I wish I knew how I did it so I can do it again. I think eating cereal is one way of keeping the pounds off. I haven’t lost my appetite so this was just a matter of how many calories I ate during the day. I have been having at least two meals a day and no snacking in between.

It is still hot as fuck out. I don’t know when this heat wave is going to stop. I wish it would already. I was able to shower ok and even though I felt tired afterwards, I didn’t go to sleep. I am really tired now but I just took my night meds so hopefully I will sleep soon. I want to make sure I am up before 11 tomorrow so I can make coffee before therapy. I am going to ask my therapist a serious question and hope she doesn’t laugh at me. I am always afraid of her laughing at me because I feel stupid with my questions. I just hope she answers my question without asking another question with it. I rather her answer then ask a question rather than question then answer it. Reading Linehan’s memoir has helped solidify my resolve to ask this question even though I know it is stupid.

I am so tired. I am going to try and go to bed around 2100. I think I will cath myself then and then go to bed. If I am not really sleepy or too anxious to sleep, I will write in my journal or read the memoir book for a bit. I just hope I don’t get the overtireds because that will not be good and I won’t be able to sleep right away once I am at that point. I will take a melatonin and see if that helps. I had to take some Benadryl tonight because my sister made some food with ginger and I had some. She tells me this after I eat it. I swear sometimes I think she is trying to kill me. I am highly allergic to ginger.

tired of feeling exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of feeling exhausted

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around midnight and then woke up at 4. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I just lay in bed and half snoozed. I kept using my damn shoulder as a pillow so would wake up in pain or my arm was asleep. I couldn’t find a spot that didn’t include my shoulder no matter how many pillows I put under my head. I tried going back to sleep once I took my morning meds but I didn’t succeed. I made iced coffee and it was good. I like the ice function on my keurig. I am definitely going to use it this summer.

After I had my coffee, I checked the bus schedule to see when the next bus to the Square was. I just missed it so I fiddled around until it was time for the next bus. I was so tired, I didn’t really feel like getting dressed but I needed to get my blood work done. My back was giving me fits while I was getting dressed. I knew this wasn’t going to bode well for me. I am so tired of being exhausted all the time. I had gone down the stairs to leave when I realized I forgot my mask. I had to go back to my room to get it. This made me feel more exhausted. I nearly fell asleep on the train to the hospital. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I had to stop twice while walking to the building I needed to get to because my back was spasming. After I got my bloods done, it took me a while to get back to the station. I just felt like I was walking in mud. Every step was so tiring.

I came home and had something to eat. I hadn’t had anything to eat most of the day. All I had was coffee. I had a cold cut sandwich and some ice cream. I tried to eat the ice cream fast because it was hot in the kitchen but it was too cold for my teeth. I had to let it melt some. I wanted to go to the store to get Oreo ice cream but I was too tired to go. It would have killed me and I was already expended. I nearly collapsed after I ate. I tried taking a nap but I couldn’t relax enough. I just laid down and closed my eyes. I shut my light off and tried to rest but then my blood results came in and I had to look at them. My white count is normal but my inflammatory marker isn’t. I am not surprised. I know I have a lot of inflammation going on with the CRPS. Sadly, there is nothing they can do to bring the level of this marker down. Nothing to keep it from going up either. Just one of the things to keep an eye on.

appt with neurosurgeon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Appointment with neurosurgeon

I took a shower today because I wanted to get the loose hairs from my haircut out of my head. I also didn’t want to stink. It was hard because I was exhausted and the whole process of showering made me more tired. I couldn’t nap though so I just rested in bed before I had to leave for my appointment.

I was thrilled my surgeon said I didn’t have to have another surgery for the fluid. He is going to keep an eye on me and my white count. I was to have bloods done today but the lab was closed so I will have to go tomorrow or Friday. Depends on what my energy levels are tomorrow. I am still exhausted so I hope that I can sleep well tonight. I am to contact him should something else arises. I am cleared for PT so I will be making my Ride appointment tomorrow for the appointments that I have. I am so glad I can start PT again. I am so deconditioned and even he said that I would be as I haven’t done much since surgery. This complication has wrecked my recovery.

Right now I am really tired and want to go to sleep but it is too early. I go to bed now I will wake up around midnight and then be up for a few hours, totally throwing off my sleep more than it already is. I will wait till my meds kick in some and I am totally brain dead. I also got to keep an eye on my bladder as it hasn’t been functioning the way I would like it lately. I am back to voiding on my own but I don’t know how long that will last. I haven’t felt like I have an empty bladder when I do void so I probably will need to cath before going to bed. Back is killing me so when I am finished blogging I am going to lay down and just read for a bit. I haven’t read since Friday. I wanted to finished the Linehan book this weekend but my brain had other plans (do nothing apparently!) I want to start the Dante Club by Matthew Pearl. It seems like a good book to read. I have read his other books and like his style of writing.

I goofed on my Powerade order. I accidently ordered the “zero” kind of white cherry. It has sucralose in it which I do not like. It is drinkable but I rather have sugar in my drinks rather than the fake kind. I have to be careful when I order more next time. I had dinner and it was a good piece of steak that I ate. Why am I still hungry?? I might make a burger.

All day my left leg has been hurting me. The only time it didn’t hurt was when I was meeting with the surgeon. Damn thing. I don’t know why it is angry today. But my back is killing me as well. I hate that I am in so much pain. Hope that my night meds help ease some of the discomfort. Surprisingly, my CRPS ankle/foot has been behaving. That is the weirdest thing that has been going on the past few weeks. I don’t know if it is because something else is going on with me or what but I will take the pain free days. Just hope I haven’t spoken too soon. That will suck.