Tag: schizoaffective disorder

my blogging adventures for the month

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

My blogging adventures for the month

In addition to my daily blah blah blogs, I will be writing about suicide prevention and about things related to it. A friend of mine gave me a few ideas on the subject as well as writing stories about what it is like being a patient in the hospital. I can go one for days with that one as I have had many hospitalizations spanning many years. I will also write some stuff on what I think works best to prevent suicide and why therapists NEED to be trained and use what they learn in their practice. Otherwise, what is the purpose of spending money or attending a seminar in suicide prevention and not use it?? That just irritates me.

I slept in three hour increments last night, giving up around 1000 or so. I washed up and shaved the back of my head to make it bald. I need to put in a new razor because it’s not as close as it should be. I’ll do that later. I then had a bowl of cereal before getting dressed and leaving to catch the bus. I brought my Bluetooth headset with me but I couldn’t get it to turn on. I think the battery died. I tried charging it while at the bus stop but couldn’t get it to work right. I put it away and pulled out my wired headset.

I dropped off the cookies I made to my barber. He loved the cookies. Then I went to Starbucks for my breakfast sandwich, espresso, and some cookies. I was able to charge my Bluetooth while there. I still have it charging on my laptop. I got kind of antsy after writing in my journal for a bit so went to CVS to look at shavers. I found one that I liked but it was $50. I made note of it on my phone and then went to catch the bus. Luckily it was late as they changed the time to 1220 not 1230 for the fall schedule. I got to the bus waiting area around 1222.

It was muggy by the time I came home. I went to Walgreens as I had a prescription to pick up and I wanted some Reese’s peanut butter cups. They had them on sale so I grabbed 2 packages. My ankle was hurting by the time I got home. I was sweating and needed to clean my sneaker off on my “good” foot as I stepped in some gum. I couldn’t wait to get to my room to cool off.

I was talking more with my friend about suicide prevention and how it’s gone to hell. She was telling me how she lost friends on Facebook because of her new adventures that are away from suicide related stuff. She had made that decision a few years ago as she felt it was time to move on to what she wanted and not live in her sister’s death by suicide. Sibling suicide survivor is hard because it really doesn’t get talked about. She was a strong voice for a while. Now it’s mostly parents that have a voice. A few brothers or sisters have come forward but it’s rare. The stigma is so great that it’s not helping the situation, even though studies have shown that sibling survivors have also thought or attempted suicide. They need care too, not just the parents.

My friend had sent me her blog that she is posting tomorrow and wanted my feedback. I was struck that she included my mentor, Dr. Shneidman’s questions, where do you hurt and how can I help? The Zero Suicide squad has gone away from that concept and really have no substance in helping preventing suicide because they really have no clue other than asking about it and how to go about asking about it, least that is my perception of it. Something about that concept was bugging me and it wasn’t until she brought about those questions that I figured out why it was bothering me so much. The sense of asking where it hurts or what is the one thing that won’t make you suicidal, or how can we make this a life worth living despite the pain of living has been lost. Some are still advocating for it but I worry that for every say 20 therapists that go through a training on suicide prevention, only 1 or 2 will actually take it to heart and use it in their practice. I will write more about this for those that care.

Shneidman was an important man in the evolution of suicidology. I think about him more during this month than any other because he advocated for suicide prevention. Stay tuned to learn more about this great man.

Fat Friday cancelled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fat Friday cancelled

I really, really wanted to get donuts today. A dozen and some munchkins (basically donut holes). I went to the Square as I got up around 0900. I had a turkey bacon sandwich and my espresso. Then I decided that if they had lavash bread, I’d get some turkey breast and have it for lunch rather than buying donuts. They didn’t have lavash bread so I got flour tortilla. It will do perfectly. I’ll also put in some cranberry sauce and it will be a yummy roll up. So my fat Friday was cancelled.

On the way home, I stopped at a convenience store to get quick picks for the lottery. The powerball just went up to half a billion dollars and the Mega Millions is like 300 million. Either would be nice to win. Then I went to Walgreens to pick up my Zofran. I was disappointed that the pills weren’t the ones that you put under your tongue. It was tablets. Oh well. The covering doc gave me a 90 day supply. I am lucky if I go through 30 in a year. I don’t use it that often, only when I get a migraine with nausea. Usually I’ll have the nausea before I get the migraine. So I am set for the next two years with this med.

Last night, the pit of despair surrounded me. Every year from Aug to Oct, I get really depressed and suicidal. This has been happening since 1994, when I had my first major depressive episode that landed me in the hospital from Aug till Jan 1995. I think that if I didn’t have a great psych resident at the time, I would have taken my life. Things were awful. I couldn’t go to school or work. I just slept all day and was in a severe depressed state. Nothing really happened to trigger it, as far as I know. But it has been happening every year since then.

I emailed my psychiatrist before I went to sleep last night. I had a hard time falling asleep because of pain and psychache. I joined a suicide attempt survivor group on Facebook. I hope it is a good group in which I can get support when I am feeling suicidal. The next few months are going to be rough. I can already feel the depression starting to set in. Maybe that is why I have been sleeping most days the last few weeks.

Last night I was talking with a friend. She can be a little bit too caring and set in her ways. I told her next week is going to be rough for me because I have back to back appointments. It’s going to be exhausting for me. She just replied that I should get a ride to the appointments. I tried to tell her that wasn’t the point and then she said at least I wouldn’t be walking. I told her sitting is just as bad for me. I really don’t want to use the ride because it costs money and I hate being a passenger with someone I don’t know driving. I also hate traffic. I rather take the T to where I am going. I know it will be exhausting so Wed I am not going to plan on doing anything. It’s the only day that I don’t have plans. Mon I have therapy, Tues is my neuro appt, wed rest day, Thurs seeing a friend for coffee, and Friday seeing the dentist for a check on my gums. It’s the first week that I have a busy schedule.

I need to call the place that made my AFO. The part that braces my leg is very dirty and worn. I tried cleaning it with a baby wipe but only some of the stuff came off. I noticed there were cracks in the material so I think it needs to be replaced. Only problem is I need a car to get to it as it’s not T accessible. It kind of is, but it’s a long walk from the station and I can’t walk that far. I noticed today that the part is removable. I am going to try plain old soap and water. If that doesn’t work, I will call. It’s been 6 years since I’ve had the AFO so it might need some tuning up.

I’m hoping to finish Tom Sawyer this weekend. If I do, I will move to some SE Hinton books called Tex and Rumble Fish. I haven’t read those books in a long time. I follow SE Hinton on Twitter and she is a very nice person who responds to any question, usually. I’ve loved her since I was a teen. She is one of my favorite authors. She wrote an adult book called Hawkes Harbor. After I read Tex and Rumble Fish, I will start that book. I think that is all the books that she wrote, other than The Outsiders, That was then, this is now, and Taming the star runner. I love all her books. I wish I could write like her. I keep thinking of writing a short story about sci fi and Star trek but I can never think too much about where to begin. I’ll write it one day. I just need to try and write if from a third person rather than first. I tend to do that a lot in my writing, only because it’s easier for me. Maybe I should take a creative writing class or something. I did take one in college but because of my psych issues, I had to withdraw from class midsemester. I miss school.

Therapist’s choice or fear?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Therapist’s choice or fear?

My therapist of sixteen years had decided sometime while on our three week break that she couldn’t work with me anymore for what reasons are still not quite clear. We had been arguing over various things the last several months, including my suicidality and it was becoming apparent that she refused to seek the given evidence based practices I was telling her about to deal with my suicidality. I was becoming more and more frustrated and wrote a blog about it that “opened her eyes”. Our engagement ended in February of this year. I was gutted. I had no choice but to end things with her if she had no idea how to work with me any more. So the hunt for a new therapist began, once I could manage it.

It is very difficult to find someone willing to work with a high risk suicidal patient, such as myself. When my therapist moved to her office thirty miles away and I had no means of getting there, I called ten therapists in a five mile radius of my house. I kept getting the run around. I couldn’t be seen by them because I was high risk and so they referred me to someone else. That someone else then referred me to someone else. I became distraught and just stayed with my therapist event though it meant more phone sessions and text messages.

Now I had the same problem, except I had no back up. There was no one. I had asked some therapist friends on Twitter in my area if they knew anyone seeking new clients. One responded and gave me a name. That therapist never returned my calls. After three weeks (one call a week), I gave up and moved to therapist number two. Same deal. It took me until April to find someone that a) took my insurance and b) wasn’t afraid of suicide. I’ve been seeing this guy for about three months now and it is getting obvious to me that we just aren’t clicking. You need a certain chemistry to work with someone is this guy is lacking. I thought I could work with him but he is my back up right now. I am looking for someone else.

The day that I had my first meeting with him back in April, two therapists returned my phone calls. One had taken three weeks to call me back so I was not in a rush to call her back even though her qualifications seemed like it would match what I was looking for. The other organization I didn’t know too much about but knew they offered CBT, a therapy modality known to work with some people but didn’t for me. I kindly told them I was not looking at this time but if that changed (I hadn’t met the guy yet so it could be possible not to work out), I’d be in touch.

So when I was hospitalized a few weeks ago and my current therapist told the social worker that I was there because of “family conflict” instead of a psychotic episode that happened that weekend, I got pissed off and realized I wasn’t going to waste 16 years with this guy to know it was wrong. I called the other therapist and she never called me back. Then I got in touch with the organization. I had a phone interview with them last week. He first went over my insurance as he didn’t take one of them. OK, but he took the other so I was okay with that. Then we talked about clinical stuff. He asked when was the last time I was hospitalized and I truthfully told him a few weeks ago. He ended the conversation saying his group would be unable to help me as I needed “intensive outpatient” treatment after a hospitalization. He basically said I was “too sick” to work with one of his therapists.

I was floored this happens in 2017. I have been studying suicidology since 2007, reading countless articles about how clinicians, particularly psychiatrists, are more prone to have a suicide during their career than any other profession. Psychologists are second to that. Yet despite the advancements in evidence based practices (EBP), there is still the fear of losing someone to suicide. I can’t make that go away and if I ever become a therapist, I too will have that fear. But there are measures you can take to decrease that risk in the high risk client, if there is a willingness to work with one. That opportunity is lost if you slam the door like countless therapists have done to me. Suicide is inherent in any psychotherapy, regardless of risk factors. It can “appear out of the blue” or not noticed until an attempt is made or a death occurs. The suicide rate keeps climbing. And one of these days, I will become part of that yearly statistic.

I look for help and get denied because of my risk factors, which are history of previous attempts, history of abuse, history of hospitalizations, and history of self harm. These factors I deem “high risk” can also be viewed as severe mental illness or “being too sick”. It was the director of the organization’s choice not to take me on as a client. Pissed me off but his choice regardless. But was it also his fear that I would take on a certain liability because I was chronically suicidal and mentally ill? I will never know but my gut says fear altered his choice. I understand that therapist want to have the kind of practice where things go smoothly and stuff like suicide is dusted under the rug. Suicide is a dirty word. I get that. I have lived it since I was eight, when I first thought of ending my life. No one wants to touch it with a ten foot pole. But excluding these people from these practices, what the hell did you enter the field for?? I have to wonder.

The therapist I work with now doesn’t follow a lick of EBP. I still don’t know what kind of therapist he is. Frankly, he just lets me ramble for 45 mins then it’s see you next week. He has explained what he does but he has yet to actually do it, which is why I want to see someone else, if I can find that person. I live in the hub of academia where there are thousands of therapists. The biggest problem I come across, other than their fear of suicide, is not taking new clients. OK. I get it but can you refer me to someone who IS taking them? No answer or try Susie Q who isn’t within my area of accessibility.

Anyways, these are my thoughts on the matter. Getting screwed by those that are supposed to help mental health patients but don’t want to deal with mental health patients that fit a certain criteria. I think that sums it up nicely.

ramblings 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Ramblings 321

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4 am and then woke up every two hours. I gave up around 8 and stayed up for a little while and then took a nap until around 1. I was so tired. The therapist that I was looking forward to seeing was a bust. I was “too sick” for the organization. I am bullshit. Just another drop to my self-esteem about how the mental health field thinks it’s all rosey and no one needs to be suicidal or have psychosis or hospitalizations. What a joke.

I emailed my psych with the news. I see her Friday. I told her I guess I am stuck with my dipshit therapist for now. I am too exhausted to search for new therapists. He is on vacation next week so I have another break from him. I might email him with something sarcastic about how I felt about yesterday’s session. I am still processing it.

Last night I asked my brother in law about ceiling fans as I think the one in my room is on its way out. Over the weekend, it started making noises. I have been using it non stop all summer as it helps circulate the AC air. I have it on its lowest setting right now. He said he will look at it today to see what the problem is. I hope I don’t have to get a new one. I have a low ceiling so I need one that is similar to the one I have. I was looking at Amazon and they actually have someone to install it for you. Score. I think I found one that would be good. I want one light not multiple like my current one. I really just use two lights of the four anyways because otherwise, the room is way too bright. I mostly use my desk lamp anyways.

I am feeling pretty crappy, both physically and mentally. My ankle and mouth are still giving me grief. I had a tuna sandwich for lunch and it hurt to chew. Mentally I am just exhausted from all the chronic pain that I have been feeling. I just want to give up. I just muddle through the day and am always exhausted. My mother is making zucchini for supper. She is baking it rather than frying it. It’s my favorite squash in the summer and I don’t even care to eat it. I’m just really bummed that I was turned down to that therapy organization because of the severity of my mental illness.

A fellow blogger was telling me about how she had published her book, free, through a website called Lulu.com. She said in the blog that they would distribute the book through Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Seeing as my second book isn’t selling, I decided to have it on this site. http://www.lulu.com/shop/g-collerone/darkness-always-wins-short-stories-about-mental-illness/paperback/product-23287461.html
The process was way more easier than Amazon’s CreateSpace process. Maybe because I had already done the formatting and things it was easier, I don’t know. I just know that I clicked on this, uploaded, wrote a few things, and boom, published. They are selling my book at a lower rate than Amazon and the royalty is not the same. I get less than three bucks per book sold. But if it helps people get my book out there, I am for it.

I went to Walgreens as I had to pick up my prescription. My brother in law was leaving the house at the same time and offered me a ride. Given my ankle has been hurting me all day, I took it. I didn’t want to aggravate it and be in more pain. He had a few other errands so I went along. I didn’t leave the vehicle except for Walgreens. I had left my wallet at home so I couldn’t get anything even if I wanted it. Even though I didn’t walk around or anything, I am still tired. I just want to nap but yesterday I did that and then I was up all fricken night. I just couldn’t sleep. I was so tired but just couldn’t sleep. Every time I laid down, my ankle/foot went berserk on me.

My brother in law came up a little while ago. He said the blades of the ceiling fan are loose. He needs to take the thing apart to tighten it up. Tomorrow. So maybe I don’t need to get a new ceiling fan after all. One less expense.