Tag: suicide ideation

horrible Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Horrible Monday

I woke up around 0300. My arms felt like spaghetti and were very spastic. I wasn’t fully awake but as I haven’t eaten in 24 hours, I thought it was due to low blood sugar. I had some M&Ms and Gatorade. By 5 I was no better and realized it was side effects from the Invega so I took an Ativan. That didn’t work so I took 25 mg of diphenhydramine. I was sleepy and my mother had a freezer delivery today so I had to be up but my body was like fuck you after I took sedating drugs. I just wanted to sleep. I also wanted to shower but that wasn’t happening with delivery men coming to the house. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself to wash up at least. The cool water on my face helped. I then got dressed to go to my appointment.

The appointment was for my neurosurgeon to discuss the MRIs I had Saturday. It was more of me sitting in the waiting room for a half hour for the surgeon to come and tell me the radiologist didn’t do what he wanted so now has to play politics with the two hospitals and figure out how to see my spinal cord the way he wants to. So I don’t need surgery, yet. But I don’t think he liked the lumbar spine. Something the way he said it made it seem it was bad. I had taken a fall Thurs so maybe something shifted. I don’t expect to get a report of the MRIs until next week in the patient web thing. So frustrating. Then I had therapy.

I swear time was dilated the whole time I was with my therapist! It just seemed to inch along. I felt like I was there for more than 45 minutes but I wasn’t. We talked about the blog I sent her. She didn’t feel comfortable reading it through as it felt like she was invading my private thoughts even though it is for the world to see. I respect that she was respecting me that way. She just skimmed the blogs that I have sent her. She said that my writing it is a tool to cope. We came up with a plan. I get to talk about my abusive relationship with my 2nd ex. I think if I air it out some, I might feel better because she is taking a lot of head space and I don’t like it. Doesn’t also help that every fucking time I touch myself I think of her touching me that way and being abusive toward me. The therapist wants me to write about the fear. I have decided to keep a notebook about this kind of work than make it online. She also thinks I have a concussion. I played along with her on this until I was on my way home and my head exploded. I was sensitive to light and sound as well as had ringing in my ears. I had the worst headache and I still have it. I think going out today was a trigger. I am not doing anything tomorrow so I am just going to rest.

I came home and I was freezing. I just wanted to nap. I tried and couldn’t. My mother called me asking if I called the delivery place because the freezer was too big to carry up the stairs. They couldn’t get it around the bend in the stairway. So now I got to order another freezer. I just laid down and tried to rest. I haven’t eaten anything since Saturday. Yesterday I slept all day so didn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. Today I should be starving but I am not. My foot is flared up so cooking is out. I am so frustrated by this. I know I probably shouldn’t be but I am. I hate that any activity I do lately has been causing me pain. I am so on the edge with suicidality.

Therapist and I agreed to meet twice a week until she is on vacation again. We are going to try it to see if it helps and also keep me accountable to the writing she wants me to do. I don’t have the mental space to write what she wants today. I am so tapped out and lethargic from not sleeping and the headache is making my concentration terrible.

great wide open

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Great wide open

I did a few errands today and got my haircut. Today is week 60 of my transition so I posted pics on my FB page. I also posted to Twitter for those that aren’t on FB. I then sent the pics to my sisters. My youngest sister said that I looked like my father. I honestly don’t see it. She also said I lost weight. Thirty pounds since April and I still continue to lose. The increase in the Invega dose has increased my appetite some but not to what it was. I do get hungry on some days but I really don’t eat much. A sandwich will be enough to get me through the day. Tomorrow is Turkey day. I will be going over a friend’s house where I know I will stuff my face with turkey and stuffing because it is my favorite meal ever. Actually, turkey and stuffing with cranberry sauce any day of the year is good to me. And mashed potatoes. There used to be this roast beef place that was in front of the hospital where I worked. They sold the best Thanksgiving sandwich. It was amazing. No sandwich has come close to it. I can’t even make it at home. I have tried though. Sometimes I will get the wraps, turkey breast, stuffing, cranberry sauce and roll it all up for a sandwich but it isn’t the same.

Yesterday I had therapy. I don’t see her again for two weeks because she is on vacation. We were talking and I asked in all seriousness, why I should be in therapy. It was a valid question. She had no objection to me not being in therapy though she doesn’t advise to stop as I am suicidal. She wants me to write about why I want to discontinue therapy. I have to think on it. The thing is, since I was 15 I was made to feel that because I was depressed and suicidal, I had to be in therapy. There are millions of people who are depressed and suicidal yet they aren’t in therapy. Some can’t afford it or have insurance for it. I am not saying I don’t have a serious mental illness. I know I do have it. I didn’t have therapy most of this year and have only restarted the last five months as the therapist pointed out. I can’t believe it has been that long but it has been. Time seems to have stopped for me since my psych left. I sent her the transition pics and she is wow’d by the change.

I am not sure why I have to be in therapy. Other than processing old traumas that I have not done doesn’t seem like a good reason for me. I could stay just to process and then move on. I know it won’t help the suicidality much or maybe it will. I don’t know until the trauma is processed. I think the therapist likes me. She didn’t say it yesterday but I just got the sense. I was kind of out of sorts as the voices were not present and I felt so damn alone. I was trying to tell her how alone I felt and she had no clue. It was a tough session. She kept on reading my texts that I sent her. Apparently she can read it from her computer. I don’t know what kind of app that is that does it. I know I was feeling paranoid about her. I kept thinking she was going to laugh at me at any moment. She didn’t but it was a sense so maybe I can’t really judge my senses right now.

Mary Chapin Carpenter is coming out with a new album next year. I don’t know when as she is still in the process of making it. It makes me happy that she will be coming out with new music. Only question will be, will I be around when it does get released.

Protected: set off in so many ways

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

ocean

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ocean

This is Lady Antebellum’s new song and I absolutely love it. Their new album is going to be killer. Even their new song “what I’m leaving for” is so good. I don’t know when the album is going to be released. I am trying to hold off buying things so I can get Luke Combs’ new album to as that comes out later this week.

I woke up too late to give my sister her birthday gift. I sent her a text at midnight wishing her a happy birthday. I got her and my sister (who’s birthday is the 15th) the book by Dr. Jen Gunter, the Vagina Bible. I really enjoyed reading this book because it was so informative. I think it was the last book I finished. I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book and I am half way through. If I spend at least a half a day or two half days I could finish it. I am going to take it with me when I see the neurologist on Tues. It is a long train ride so I hope I can read some of it.

The therapist texted me today after I sent her a meme. She said we needed a time this week and I told her that might not be possible as Tues and Wed are out for me. Traveling to my neuro takes a lot out of me. I really wasn’t planning on seeing her this week anyways. I have an appointment Thursday with my pcp and having three appointments in a week just tires me out. The neuro appointment alone is going to wear me out because it’s more than 45 mins away from me. The pcp appointment is late afternoon. I am thinking about staying if I can ditch the urge to go home right after the appointment. There is a transmen meeting that night that I would like to go to. I just emailed the coordinators to see if there is one this week. I last contacted them back in May. I haven’t gone to the meetings because I have been too scared to go by myself. Meeting new people is so hard for me. The therapist wants me to go to groups and stuff but I am not that much of an outgoing person like I was. Pain has prevented a lot of things for me as well as meeting up socially with people. I wanted to go to the chess club today but totally forgot about it. I wish I put the alarm in my phone. I would have gone rather than gone back to sleep.

I shaved my facial hair off the other day and I am still waiting for the mustache to grow back. I feel naked without it. I had to shave it off because one side was doing its own thing and the other was too. I haven’t shaved since. I pretty much shave the sideburns because I don’t like them getting all thick and shit. I don’t know how to trim them yet so it is just easier to shave them off. I’ll learn one of these days when the beard and everything is more uniform.