Tag: therapist

Sad, angry, and well other things too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad, angry, and well other things too

This week is a killer of a week. With the exception of yesterday, I have no days off. Monday I saw my PCP and other than sending me back to PT, he didn’t have any answers as to why I have a golf ball right on my arch near my heel. One of my friends called it a baseball when it was really flared up. I sent the picture to my PCP, which yielded a I don’t know see someone else. We talked about cortisone shots but I don’t want it. I believe it weakens tissue rather than help it. I asked about taking ibuprofen and this is when I knew he was an idiot because he said steroids aren’t usually helpful. UM, last I checked, ibuprofen is classed as a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug. And he went to med school. Moron.

I had a hard time sleeping Monday night so I slept all day yesterday. I was going to bake cookies but slept too late as I woke up around 5 pm. I wanted to go back to sleep before the sleepiness wore off but pain prevented that. My feet were giving me trouble. I couldn’t put one foot on top of the other. The bottom of my foot was inflamed. So I put some diclofenac gel on it. It took a few points off the pain enough for me to go to sleep. I was going to put some on before I left the house but fuck. People kept calling me and shit and the next thing I knew I had to leave the house. I luckily had my coffee in my mug. It was bloody freezing. I had to wear my gloves after I finished my coffee. The wind chill was terrible. I thought I was dressed warm enough but I wasn’t. The wind was going through me. I was frozen by the time I got to the train station. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I already had my coffee. I just sat on one of the benches while waiting for the train. I wrote in my journal as I had some time to kill.

I told my therapist about how my mood has been up and down and he said that I am angry. Fuck. Really, Freud? He didn’t understand why I said that. I explained Freud theory to a therapist. How bloody wonder. If I could have thought of another therapist, I would have thrown in their names for good measure but none came to mind. I was getting annoyed and wanted the damn session to end. My feet were hurting me and I just wanted to get home. It was colder than it was on the way home. Friday is supposed to snow so I plan on wearing my warmer jacket. I have to remember to wear a lightweight shirt otherwise I will sweat to death. I see my psychiatrist, who changed the appointment time to 4 pm. I don’t know when it is going to start snowing but that isn’t a good time to be out as it is rush hour, which means no seats on the trains and buses. Even with my cane, people won’t give up their seat unless you ask them. So rude. I will give up my seat to someone who is in need even if it will hurt me later on. These young people just don’t care. I remember a time when two young ladies nearly pushed me out of the way when the train doors opened so they could get a seat. Like WTF, seriously?? I had my cane with me. I am not one for confrontation but it is just fucking rude.

Saturday I know I am going to be sleeping all day. I honestly have no idea when I am going to make these damn cookies. My therapist says there is no time limit on baking so I if I want to bake them at 6 pm, I can do it. I didn’t tell him I hate clean up and usually I hurt too much after I bake to clean up. And my mother will have a coronary if I leave them for her to wash. God forbid there should be anything in the sink when she goes to bed. I am hurting so much right now. I took another breakthrough med. I hope that is the only one I need. I have used so many this month. I am trying to hold off but with the way my appointments are this week, I don’t think I can do that. It really sucks that my pain is worse at night than during the day. I hate it.

Down day and lots of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Down day and lots of pain

My right foot is giving me grief. I think I will be going back to PT as I think I sprained my ankle again but I need some kind of support so this doesn’t happen again. Sadly, I don’t have anymore money to buy an ankle supporter. I think I am going to get a laced up one, as long as it doesn’t rub against my arch, causing my heel to hurt. I noticed today that I am turning my foot so my heel doesn’t hurt, which is causing my ankle to hurt. Now that I am home, I can barely stand and my brain is hurting as to which one hurts more, my left or right. I had to use the walker again. My PCP wasn’t helpful. But I did get him to give me a referral for the brace clinic and see the brace guy that I have been seeing. I made an appointment with him for next week, which means another week of agony.

My mother needed bread and she was making some weird dish with broccoli so I wanted pizza. I literally walked around the block, in a square, so technically 4 blocks. I came home tired so took a nap in my underwear because I was too hot. I slept four hours and now my ankle hates me. My heel pain is hurting but no where near last night’s levels. It was completely torture last night. I got PTSD going on which meant I couldn’t lay down because I was scared that I was going to be in more pain. No amount of trying to soothe myself helped. I was so afraid to move my body to lay down and then move my ankle so I could sleep. It was torture and I was up most of the night. I drew a picture of where it hurt. I have no idea why. I made circles around where it hurt and then named them. The glob is the area where there are muscles, bones, tendons, and ligaments. The malleolus which is the ankle bone. Then a new area that was my new suicidal ankle pain spot. I drew a line where the familiar suicidal ankle pain was. That distracted me but didn’t help me to sleep.

I texted my therapist late last night telling him I couldn’t sleep. I sent the same message to my psychiatrist along with the picture. I was in horrific pain. All because I saw my fucking therapist! WTF!! I really wanted to down the bottle of gaba but I didn’t. No one was awake at that hour except a Twitter follower that basically said that I couldn’t have suicidal thoughts and I couldn’t die. Thanks, that helps me so damn much. Go back to your corner of the world. I know she was trying to be helpful but that is not being helpful! Denying someone their thoughts because of pain is not helpful. I got mad. I watch some youTube things about the buffoon in office. I am scared of what he is going to say tonight and I am so fucking mad at the national TV stations for giving in to this liar!!

Tomorrow will be my 98th day of transition. I am going to post pics (not here) but on my social media on day 100. I will be making a dirty gravy as my sister wants that for supper for my Mother’s birthday. I was going to use 3 cans of tomatoes but I think I am going to use 4. It goes so fast and she always takes a big chunk of what I make because she really likes it. Last time I made it, I think I had like 2 containers and that was it. I would like more because I really love this. It is one of my favorite things I make. Only trouble is, my mother has the cans of tomatoes in the back of her closet which takes some maneuvering to get the cans. Why she has to have them in the back, I don’t know. I might steal two cans of my sisters as they are in our hallway. HAHA. I did that last time I made the gravy because I didn’t want to fiddle my back to grab my mother’s cans.

I am feeling depressed because I am in so much pain, again. Two nights in a row is not fun. I hope it isn’t a nasty flare. I just won’t be able to handle it because I need to see my therapist tomorrow. I need therapy. I can’t just stop because I am in pain. I feel like I am pushing myself to try to lead a normal life even though I have chronic pain.

I shaved my head today and trimmed my goatee thing that seems to be the only facial hair that I have. I was expecting more but whatever. I guess it will come in time. I love the song Shallow by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. This is the first song I have ever bought with Lady Gaga. She has a wonderful voice. I don’t know why I am addicted to this song. Last night I downloaded different music apps because the one that I primarily used, Rocket Player, fucked up all my music so I had to go to something else. I was using Samsung music but got tired of it. Then I was using music but the fucking thing beeped every time it played a song and then would stop, even if the thing was on shuffle repeat. But now I am using Pi and it seems to be okay. I am charging my headphones so I can have them for tomorrow. They make good ear protectors from the cold, LOL. I just hope there is no precipitation or I will have to use earbuds. I know we are in a storm pattern and that is why my pain sucks right now but fuck. The barometric pressure dropped. Yesterday around this time it was 30.3. Now it is 29.69. Fun!!!!! Can’t wait to see what the pressure will be tomorrow.

Weird few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Weird few days

Met with my psych today. I told her I think I’ve been hypomanic as I’ve been spending like crazy and have become really impulsive. I crash at night per usual or the next day. It would explain why my sleep cycle has been so off the past 2 weeks since lowering my dose of trileptal. So I am going to take another mood stabilizer, lamictal, and hope it does something. I have been having more flare ups which I feared might happen as before my 2nd CES, I was only on the trileptal. I was barely taking pain meds and nerve pain was controlled so I didn’t need gaba..that all went to hell when ces hit me again and my ankle became CRPS. But since the pain med change I was fine. Now that I have had to lower the trileptal. Omg holy hell. Flares hurt more. Like 7 days. They are getting harder to control. I am having to do whatever it takes to stop hurting. I know it will bite me in the ass but until the mood thing straightens out, I don’t think anything else will be helpful. I didn’t want to play too much with Gaba during the day because I could literally walk into walls or worse fall down stairs. I have to be careful at night with dosing and how much I drink because if I have to pee, well I am dozy. I’ve also become suicidal again. I haven’t told my therapist yet. But my psych gets it. I was in a bad flare and if I could move, I wouldn’t be here. Luckily, I am not planning again during times I am not in pain so that is good, least for now.

My insurance for mental health benefits suck. My therapist says it is the worst ones out there and he will be leaving the provider network sometime this year. So it will just be Medicare I will be billed. I had this whole idea just to use this insurance but now doesn’t look like it.

I am fucked because like I said I spent money I shouldn’t have. I have some cash but had to mail some stuff out so that has dwindled. I don’t know what the cost is going to be for lamictal or pain meds yet. It will be Monday. And I hope the starter pack is covered. I just have to watch out for rash. Great. I think I was on it before but the doctor was increasing it monthly and wanted me up to 300 mg. After 2 months I said fuck it. It would take 6 months to get up to 300 and I was on at 75 mg at 2 months. It didn’t help my pain at all, but then dose was so low. The most expensive meds are my psych meds. Monday I find out what my pain med is going to cost. Pharmacy can’t run it through until processing it. So dumb.

I see my pcp this month. I got to ask him what to do about this heel pain. I don’t know if it is plantar fasciitis or not. The stretches haven’t been helpful but I am going to try them using a belt. It is really inflamed and when I was using a gel insert I felt my foot turn causing the side where I have torn tendons to hurt. Needless to say, I am hurting. I came home and my mother was in the living room. We were talking and I turned around, nearly lost my balance. So now I am using the walker until things calm down. I am in my room and going to blog soon. Was supposed to go to my niece’s party but I can’t do stairs. Plus I don’t want to be around anyone as I am really irritable with the pain and hypomania. I don’t want a fight. Almost happened NYE as my know it all cousin tries telling me diabetes doesn’t run in our family. Her uncle and my mother, her aunt have it, my other uncle was diagnosed, though I think he has type 2 not 1 that my mother has and a lot of cousins with it. But it doesn’t run in our family. I had to walk away. She is so dumb and believes “drugs” causes schizophrenia as well as the naval service. So infuriates me. I feel bad for her brothers as one does have schizophrenia and the other bipolar disorder. No support at all. I’ve decided after NYE, I am done with them. The whole time I was surrounded by my cousins, I felt like an outsider. It was so toxic to be around them so washing my hands of them. My sister wants the nuts at her house, fine. I won’t attend. I don’t care. I had the worse flare NYE after cooking and partying. I was in agony because my foot was so swollen (also manic but whatever). I couldn’t move my big toe. It was so big. Just not worth the aggravation.

So that is what is going on. Hopefully I don’t have to change therapists because I don’t know if I can afford him once he is off the insurance. 20% is a lot when you are broke. I just have to uninstall Amazon lol fucking thing makes buying shit so easy. Lol

Blog of the day 2 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Pain is gonzo, like totally out of control. Since lowering my mood stabilizer, pain flares have been increasing and harder to control. They also last longer. Had enough of this shit. Fuck. Now question is who the fuck do I tell and beg them to kill me or treat me? Not looking for more pain meds (though wouldn’t mind an increase) but mood needs to be controlled before I have to go back to hosp. Not sleeping, feeling depressed then wired so I am up 20 hours. If I sleep during the day it is my crash. Nerve pain right now is nuts. Bones are killing me, all of them in my ankle and foot. I am scared this is will be it. See psych on Friday and tell her I want to try one anticonvulsant again. Not ideal but shit something needs to be tried. The mood stabilizer I am on was the last of the last. I am fucked if I have to play trial and error again. But pain feeds mood and mood feeds pain so…hoping psych can be my gatekeeper (she is better at it than my chickenshit pcp).

Saw therapist today. Found out my private insurance mh benefits suck so will be staying on Medicare as he is planning on not being a provider of the private insurance. I will be billed $10 then when he leaves them, probably whatever the 20% Medicare doesn’t pay. I am glad this sort of worked out. I just got to change insurance with my psych since it is a new plan. Fun new year shit to go through. Lease my prescription coverage is the same for now. I goofed on the T. I could have had it refilled before the new year but because my sleep cycle has been awful. I never checked it or made note of it. If I made a mental note, haha it went out to pasture. I am glad I got a planner because I am writing it on paper. Helps to see it more. I use my phone calendar a lot but it connects to Big Brother so I rather have paper. I tried to see how much my pain meds would cost but the pharmacy won’t know unless they run it through. So got to wait till next week.

I wanted to write this earlier but brain was mush and pain was just starting to get ugly. I am so tired and hope I sleep tonight. Supposed to snow tomorrow. Just a coating so not bad. My mother wanted me to do an errand for her but it can wait till Friday when I am out again. Be easier for me.

I have been sending my BFF in Canada vids of me being a goof. She loves it. Then her hubby asks why she is laughing. Man it is gonna be weird seeing her in person one day. She loves my accent. I honestly didn’t think I had one. But I played what I recorded today and oh my god. Too funny. I’m glad I can laugh at myself.

Today is transition day 92. Voice is changing. Face is not as smooth as it was so maybe hair is coming (fingers crossed). I shaved my moustache a couple weeks ago and it is just coming in. Don’t know why the sides are thicker than the middle. Weird. I also noticed my sweat is smelly. Got to remember to wear deodorant. I don’t use it much because I am in the house but lately with stupid heat system, I am either too hot or cold. I woke up a couple times so hot I thought I was on fire. Hate winter. Think I got to open the window. Maybe that will even things out. I need a cold room to sleep. Here is a pic of two kittens. One is ginger and the other is black. The ginger has its paws around the black kitten’s head, like it is hugging. The black kitten face is like I know now let me go. Perfect depiction of my BFF and i. I love that pic. One day when we see each other we will make it. Haha