Tag: therapy

you deserve to be treated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You deserve to be treated

Those were the parting words of my therapist today after we talked about how my father said that I gotta die when I am sick. We deduced that he is flawed and not mental as she couldn’t know him. He died four years ago, long before she was my therapist. I know he was narcissistic and a pathological liar. I should have known he was lying but when your 11, you tend to believe your parents and what they say. You really don’t know if they are lying and even if they are, you can’t prove it. You were always told to respect your parents and that is what you did, no matter how wrong it seemed.

We also talked about my suicidality. She brought it up. I was going to but didn’t really want to. She asked what I was going to do if the feelings came up again over the weekend and I said I would cope like I usually do. That was the wrong answer as she shook her head. I don’t know why but apparently calling a hotline is the answer. I don’t think so but whatever. Sometimes it is good to call one but most of the time I just don’t have the patience to wait for someone to connect on the line. Even texting can be a pain as you wait for someone, especially during “peak” hours. Most of the time I get annoyed and then hang up or text cancel or stop. I am usually too agitated to stay on the line.

I had my meeting with my pcp. It went well but I didn’t ask for a pain med increase. It was on my mind but I was too chicken to ask. He asked a few times if there was anything I needed from him but I just couldn’t bring it up. He doesn’t want me to be on the meds to begin with and I find that it hinders my conversation about my meds. But the fact of the matter is I have pain and until that is dealt with on some level, I need to be on the meds that I am on. I can’t just stop taking it because he doesn’t want me on them. He does want me to go to the pain clinic for an evaluation, just to talk. But because of Covid, making an appointment is hard. I don’t know if I would be seen in a timely manner if at all at this point. I know once places reopen it might be better to call and ask for an appointment. Sucks because I got the ride now to take me there. I have it for another few months and then I will have to reapply for assistance. I don’t know if I will get a letter or not. I just need to be aware of the time frame. I only got six months because of my surgery. I don’t know if it will be longer when I reapply.

psych related day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Psych related day

I had therapy this morning. I woke up too late to have a chance to make tea or coffee. The session went okay. I told her of my suicidal plans and what was causing me to be suicidal. She kept on saying that there was something different and she wanted to know what that was. I had no clue what she was talking about. I didn’t feel different. She encouraged me to ask my pcp when I meet with him in seeing if there is something different we can try to alleviate my pain. I am nervous about meeting with him. I usually have a hard time asking for what I need. I might not ask just see where he is at and see where the conversation leads us. I know he is going to want me to see a pain clinic outside of Boston. He referred me there before but I wasn’t able to get there because of transportation issues. Now with Covid, I am not sure I will even get an appointment as a new patient.

In the afternoon, I met with my psychopharm. She felt bad that she isn’t able to do anything for me. Such a contrast with my therapist. She (psychopharm) was telling me I was resilient and inspiring. I don’t get that from my therapist at all. I don’t know why she doesn’t say those things.

After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my steroids. I was hesitant to start it because it was so late in the day but I figure two doses is better than none. I might set the alarm for 3 or 4 am so I can take the third dose of the day and then start the day with new dose but we’ll see. I am not looking forward to disrupting my sleep.

I am having a hard time writing today. I just can’t seem to get with it. Just like therapy. Maybe there is a connection. I don’t know. I guess a little over 300 words is enough for today. I am in pain and I just can’t seem to ignore it. I hate when it bothers me so much.

Writing Something is better than nothing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing Something is better than nothing

I woke up with my med alarm ringing. I didn’t know what the noise was but I wanted it to stop. It was ringing for a good ten minutes before I finally became coherent enough to shut it off. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom. I did my business then brushed my teeth. I needed caffeine if I was going to have therapy in an hour. I made a cup of tea as half and half seems to be a rare commodity these days. I need it for coffee but seeing as I didn’t have it, I made tea. It was strong and full bodied so I enjoyed my cup.

Therapy was a disaster. I didn’t feel like talking. It was too early in the fucking morning and I guess my therapist finally clued in that this time was not a good time to chat. We changed it for a later time next week on Tues. Just as well as I am not liking these virtual visits. It is so hard to think of something to say. I felt like pulling out my notebook that jotted down some stuff but wasn’t sure if she would approve. Frankly I just wanted to get back to bed. I didn’t care about anything else. I told her about the need to lay flat and that I have a leak. This recovery is taking its own sweet time. I don’t like it. It is too slow for my tastes. So naturally I got a headache today. Luckily, Tylenol took care of it. I was running a low grade temp last night that had me very worried. It didn’t go above 99.6 and ibuprofen took care of it. I have not been running anything close to 98 degrees right now. I am glad. I still feel like shit and if I do anything that requires effort, my heart rate goes nuts.

Last night my nephew was worried as I was so out of breath after I took my shower. It took me a while for me to catch my breath. My heart rate was bananas. I made up a container of water and then I made a container of Gatorade. I haven’t made one today. I should as I haven’t been drinking that much today. I will make a container when my sister leaves my house. I don’t feel like talking to her right now. I just am not in a talkative mood.

I am debating on contacting my therapist for another session this week. I feel like I should make amends to my non-talkative mood this morning. Part of me feels like she is mad at me but I know that isn’t true. I wonder if my therapist is sick of me. I always seem to go back and forth. Like I want to move forward but I rather do it two steps back to make sure I have room to fall. I’ve always done this with every therapist I’ve had. She is the first one in nearly twenty years to challenge me on my thoughts. She wants me to get better. The question is, do I want to?

A Cuppa and a Shower

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A cuppa and a shower

I had therapy this morning but because I didn’t wake up right away, I didn’t have time to caffeinate before the appointment. I miss having a latte. I don’t know if the Starbucks I go to is open or not. I heard some are closed due to the virus. I struggled to focus during therapy. I was just not there and then half way through session my therapist pulls the what is going on crap. She said I don’t seem right. Like something shifted. Something did but I didn’t know what. I just didn’t want to talk anymore. She wanted me to talk more about why I felt like I didn’t deserve pain medication. I am supposed to write about it. I think it is going to be on paper first and then I will type it up so she can read it. I am not sure if I am going to password protect it or not. Guess it all depends on what I write about.

I finally got the antibiotics for this stupid fucking asshole UTI I got. My brother in law picked it up for me and I am grateful because it is nasty out with rain and high winds. The winds are so bad it took out a branch of the tree that is just in the front of our driveway. My brother in law was not happy. I hope the antibiotics work in a day or two because it really hurts to pee right now. I can’t take peeing every fricken hour anymore. It is driving me nuts.

After therapy this morning, I took a shower after I had a cup of tea. I so needed it. I had some cheesecake with it. The shower felt so good. I wasn’t able to stand too long because I shaved my armpits. It has been raining and I have been hurting most of the day because of it. We had high winds that took out a tree branch and that branch is now blocking our driveway. It is going to be days before the city comes to get rid of it. I put in a tweet about it hoping to get a response but I haven’t yet. Even though the shower felt good, I was still exhausted afterwards. I wanted to nap but resisted as I haven’t been sleeping too good the past few days. I am just so exhausted from this infection and recovering from surgery. I still don’t have energy levels where they were pre surgery. I think the testosterone is helping build up my blood cells again. I have my shot this week so hoping this time next week, I will be feeling better and not so damn tired. The infection should be gone by then anyways. I am going to be careful every time I cath to avoid getting another infection. I think I got to start using wipes to clean myself before inserting the catheter. It can’t hurt.