Tag: writing

payback from energy burst

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Payback from energy burst

Last night I was wired. The energy I felt continued and I stayed up till about 3 watching videos of news reports. I usually don’t but want to keep up with Cheeto’s investigation. I am now paying for it because, while I was energized, I broke down some boxes that I had around my room. I had no where to put them so just kept them on the floor. I just brought them downstairs, which was tricky because my mother had my washed clothes on the fucking stairs, thus creating a damn tripping hazard for me. I fucking hate when she puts shit on the stairs, especially the last few steps.

The weather shot up to over 60 degrees today so I got a migraine when I woke up. I had a slight headache and when I went downstairs to make a cup of coffee, I started to get nauseous. I took my meds right away as I knew if I waited, the longer the headache and nausea was going to last. And I really didn’t want to puke up my coffee.

I haven’t done much today. I chatted with a friend for a bit. I wanted to make breakfast burritos but my damn heel is hurting and is causing my ankle to hurt as it compensates for the pain. My TG doc’s secretary called me and I see my new pcp in two weeks. I canceled the appointment with the chickenshit one. Hopefully he will take over prescribing my pain meds otherwise, I am going to be screwed. I will need a refill by then. My TG doc hasn’t gotten back to me about changing dose and I am to have the shot tomorrow so I guess it will stay the same. We didn’t talk about what she will increase it by so I rather stay the same until she tells me otherwise.

I wanted to write something last night, anything, to calm the nervous energy I was feeling. I had a flare but I think the energy was masking the pain. My legs were really sore today, too. I just didn’t know what to write. Nothing was coming to my brain about a story or anything and now that I can think straight, I realized I could have written the story I had outlined that has been circling about the last three or so years. I have no idea where the notebook is for the page I wrote when trying to start. It was difficult as I felt like I was reliving the story. I really didn’t get too far as I just wrote a little and then had to stop because I was overwhelmed. I have no idea if I will be able to do this. Even writing the outline took me back to what things were back then. I know this sounds weird but I can’t say more than that.

I wanted to shower today. But my feet hurt and I know if I tried, I would pay so I didn’t. I wanted to shave my head at least but I still have nicks on my head and a scratch on my forehead from when I sort of lost control of the razor while going around my ear. It was messy. I still have a small chunk of my ear missing. Ugh. Tempted to let it be and then see the barber in three weeks. I still need to make him his favorite dish but I haven’t been able to get the ingredients as I haven’t been to the store. I might go tomorrow if I am feeling somewhat normal. I will just grab the grocery store meat rather than the butcher as I don’t want to be going all over the place. It will wear me out and then I won’t do shit. I still want to make my cookies so we’ll see what gets made if I am feeling up to it. I think my mother wants me to go to the bank as her bank book was where I usually grab it when I go out. But there was no way in hell I was going out in the sun with a damn migraine. The bright light might have triggered it when I opened my bedroom door. I am so photosensitive it isn’t funny. One of the many reasons I hate going to the eye doctors.

Because of the Amazon app uninstall/reinstall bullshit, I now have a shit ton of duplicate songs on my storage media. I now know where the files are kept thanks to the music app that I thought was messing up the files/music to begin with. But now I got to go through each artist’s folder and see which is duplicate and which is not. I have like 3 cry pretty files and not sure which one to delete because I have or at least had, all my music in one particular folder on my external card. UGH I am so annoyed and it is going to take a lot of fucking time to get this right and not delete something accidently because I don’t know if I can get it back. I was able to at least get rid of duplicates for one album so I am happy about that. I wish there was a way to see in the app where the file is and then delete it but it involves going back and forth, which is a pain in the ass. I really blame that stupid customer service person for not telling me it was going to fuck up my music folder if I did what she asked. And all Amazon was able to do was say, oops sorry. Shitheads.

Happy New Year and all that jazz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Happy New Year and all that jazz

I wish my readers a Happy New year. I hope this year is better than last year.

As I said in my last blog, I don’t do resolutions and shit. I don’t plan goals or anything. I just go with the flow. I see a lot of people reflecting on this “good” things that have happened to them last year. All I can think about is how I spent most of the year in severe pain, not being listened to by doctors, being a ping pong ball between doctors, just to get a change in pain meds and then planning my death because I had enough. July I was going to end it and that was it. Well, my date came and I didn’t go through with it because I was too afraid I would be found and saved. It was kind of doubtful, but possible. I don’t think I went in the hospital last year or if I did, I don’t remember it as I am not going back, ever again.

I am still feeling kind of crappy and I have therapy tomorrow. I did sleep, finally, but it was at like 5 am or so. My med alarm went off but I didn’t take my meds. I took my mood stabilizer. I kind of been taking them twice a day but if I don’t take the morning dose, I just take the morning dose at night so I have it. I can’t risk becoming hypomania though I thought last night I was going to as I just was so overtired I was hyper. I was wired and not tired. Then I decided to go lay down and try to sleep and my leg jerks causing tremendous pain. There went sleeping. I think I was up at least 38 hours. I slept till around 4. I had something to eat. I made pizza but I only ate half. I am not that hungry. I downed a 16 oz Pepsi. I also had a cup of tea so I am sure I will be peeing a lot. I wanted to get some fluids in me.

I shaved my head again. I am addicted to the bald feel. I can’t help it. Except tonight I used a new razor and got razor burn. My head hurts lol. I didn’t shave my sideburns though. Least I don’t think I did or at least one side. I wanted to see how the bald with sideburns looks. I am experimenting. LOL

I was talking to my sister about my insurance situation. I thought it was going to be a quick, yes you can get rid of Medicare and have them as a secondary. Nope doesn’t work like that. Fuck. I just have noticed a big change in attitude with the docs since being on medicare. Seems I am not getting care I should and then PT has these “requirements” in order to cover a visit because I am on this insurance. I hate being treated like this. I don’t think it is fair that I have to do this extra bullshit because I have chronic pain in my ankle. Then I flare and who takes care of me then? Last night was the same thing after my leg jerked. I have decided to do whatever to lower my pain levels because I get no help from a doctor about it when I tell them repeatedly how things are going. Just because I am fine when I see them then, doesn’t mean later that night I will be or the next day. I am so tired of flares. Maybe that is why the suicidality has come back. I don’t see any other reason. Each flare seems to last for days before I am okay and then I do something like make breakfast and I am in pain the rest of the day. Or I barely move my damn foot/ankle and boom. Pain goes up and I can’t control it. The docs have NOT listened when I tell them moving my ankle causes pain. They don’t know what to do. I can’t walk. I am almost getting to the point where I can’t stand. I feel bad for the people in the UK who has to wait for months, maybe a year, for a doctor appointment just to be told there is nothing they can do. I would be jumping off the nearest bridge. Because by the time they get a doc that gets it, treatment is too late, like it was for me.

I am really depressed. I think that would explain the low appetite, mood being messed up, sleep issues, etc. I just happened to be in it. It came without a warning. But then it always does. Then when I finally realize what the fuck is happening, I am stuck in it and I don’t know how long it is going to stick around. Seems each episode has it’s own length period. I am never clued in as to what that is.

I accessorized my laptop. It was too plain for me. My laptop that needs to be fixed has a bunch of stickers on the lid.

I don’t know when I am going to get it fixed. I am going to try and get it down this year somehow. I am going to try to have this laptop out of my room and at a Starbucks table so I can possible write. Or maybe just get a notebook and write. I don’t know what I will write about. It all depends if this mood/sleep thing eases out. I have been so damn tired and just sleep the day away. I got to get up tomorrow to make some calls to my insurance. I am not sure if I have to call to have the insurance as a secondary or have it as a primary like I want. All because I am disabled this headache is there. I didn’t want to be on Medicare. It is just a thing SSD puts you on but it doesn’t cover prescriptions so what is the point of it, I don’t know. You can see your providers and stuff but you need a secondary insurance to pay the visit completely or have a copay that is smaller than 20% of the visit. I really don’t see that many doctors like I used to. Just my PCP or his colleagues, my psych, and therapist. I see my neuro once a year, unless there is a problem that can’t be solved using email. LOL I also see my repro endo doc which I guess I should call her my TG doc now. So 5 docs. I don’t know when I see her if it will be at the new clinic or if it will be at the same office. My PCP will be at a new office. I will be asking him for a new scripts a week early for my pain meds because I don’t want to come a week later for them. I don’t think that is a big deal but we will see. Bet he says no because he is an asshole.

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 29 Dec 18

I’ve been having a bad flare the last few days. My mood has been awful. I emailed my psych last night with a meme about this dog that growls and then something happens and it appears to be smiling. That is how my ankle is. My ankle is all growling and barking in the wee hours of the morning but when I see the doctors, it is all nice and smiling.

My pain started around 5 pm. That wasn’t a good thing. I took some pain meds and when it really acted up after I had some dinner after I took my night meds, I decided to take some gabapentin with it. I really want some alcohol. I am tempted to have some honey whiskey. I have about maybe three shots left in the bottle, more if I cut to half a shot. I wanted to get another bottle when I got my mother some whiskey but shit, the price has gone up since I last bought it, and this was for a smaller bottle! I am starting to feel like drinking because the pain meds aren’t working and the alcohol just makes you don’t care. I don’t want to get in the habit of drinking to ease my pain because that isn’t good.

I had this plan of recording a sentence or two on a daily basis what goes on in the day and how my pain was, what the barometric pressure was, things like that so I can track patterns if there are any. Especially as my mood stabilizer is lower. I had to decrease it again because I have been feeling crummy. My sodium is right where it was two weeks ago. One point below normal. I am still not sleeping or I am oversleeping. I don’t know how I am lately. I can’t be up during the day as I am really tired because I am not sleeping. I sleep during the day to catch up on sleep and then I can’t sleep at night because I slept all day. It is driving me nuts.

Yesterday, an author I don’t know but was with this publishing company that I am following on Twitter published her first memoir called “In the gray area of being suicidal.” I offered to review it. It was on Kindle for like 4 bucks so I bought it and read a few chapters. They are not getting a good review from me. It is so sugar coated I swear it was giving me diabetes. I had to take a break from it. I get the author was dealing with a grave subject but there was like no emotion at all. It was just words on a screen. I am not liking this book but I will read it and then review it. I have already told the company that it will not be a favorable review from me. If they choose not to accept a 5 star rating, fine. There are other places I can review the book.

And I am getting anxiety which can only mean that my flare is going to get worse. Lovely. I already took the max of my meds not even two hours ago. Guess will try an Ativan to calm me down before I flip the fuck out.

My new insurance card came. I have to sign up through a “portal” to get information, but I can’t do that until Jan 1st as I am a new member. UGH. I hope my therapist is somewhere on the list of providers so I can figure out what I am going to have as my copay. I know he is not in the network but not sure what tier he is on. So fucking confusing. And according to the HR information they sent out, I was under the assumption that this new plan was a Neighborhood Health Plan network but the card has Aetna, which is a fucking bastard when it comes to chronic health issues. I hope they don’t determine prescriptions or I am fucked. The whole thing is making me nervous. I need to stop spending because I still have one prescription to pay for in like 10 days. It is the first of what I will be paying for the year. A new medication, too. This is going to be fun budgeting meds and insurance again for the next 5 or 6 months. I am not sure what I am going to do if my mood starts to go haywire and I need to be on another mood stabilizer. Not sure what there is to try. I got a thing in the mail today about my retirement benefits and I had to laugh. Like WTF. They gave me a website to go to if I am no longer employed. Making the whole pay out in cash and then try to kill myself all that much easier, if I can do it. Because these flares if they don’t have better control, I am heading that way. Each flare has been worse than the last and have last longer than they did the last time. I am not liking this.

My sister is having a New Year’s Eve party. I asked her if she wanted me to make chicken wings. She said yes so I will be making them. The only problem is 1) our oven temp has been screwy lately and 2) my mother needs the oven because she will be making calzones. I have no idea what time the party is but the wings take at least 4 hours to cook, especially as there is so much more than what I normally make. I bought a new wing sauce that I will be using. It is a mango habanero sauce. Sounds sweet and hot! Hope it is good. I might make half using the other sauce I use. Someone else is making wings, too. Last year, they were gone in the blink of an eye. They were so good! I hope she also makes her macaroni and cheese. That is the bomb! But none of it will matter if my damn ankle pain is through the fucking roof. Nice way to ring in 2019 being bedridden. Fingers crossed it won’t happen.

Mumble Jumble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Mumble jumble

I shouldn’t have had coffee at 430 PM last night but I did and I ended up staying up till at least 4 am or so. I was also in a bad mood as I was thinking more about what my mother had said to my brother in law’s mother. I couldn’t stop thinking of how she doesn’t accept me. It sent me into despair/suicidality mode. I just couldn’t stop thinking of being dead. Like snap my fingers and I no longer existed. I got some responses. Then a friend in my support group was not so supportive as she doesn’t understand how I could be male. Not what I fucking needed at that moment! She is questioning that if I am biologically female, then I am female. UGH. I need like a print out or something for these people. Maybe I can show my mother, too.

I finally paid a bill that I wasn’t able to on my phone for some reason. I think paying it has sent my checking account in the red but I won’t know until everything clears. My mother didn’t go to the bank today, which means, ha ha, I will have to do it tomorrow. I need to go out anyways so probably not a big deal. But the bus schedule has changed this week so getting to the Square is a pain in the ass. I will have to look at the schedule to see when the bus is coming every time I want to head out because it is at all different times. So fucking stupid. I have my groceries coming in the morning. If I am not too wiped out, I will do my errands. Wish there was a McDonald’s around. I really would love a filet of fish sandwich. I miss having one close by. Now the nearest one is nearly 2 miles away and I would have to take two buses to get there. So dumb. Maybe I will treat myself to some Thai food tomorrow if I go into Boston.