Category: Bipolar Disorder

got to keep tabs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Got to keep tabs

Last night I was in a rough spot again. Pain had been bad yesterday, so bad that I dissociated on the way home. One minute I was at North Station and the next I am at the pharmacy. I have no recollection of how I got there. Pain was too intense I didn’t even have a number for it. All I know is I felt myself floating above me the whole time since leaving the brace eval to get my AFO adjusted. They adjustment felt good except the figure 8 strap that goes around my ankle to keep my foot in place. It is annoying the sensitivity I have in that area. Pain kept on going higher, I would dissociate, it would go down and I would be suicidal.

I sort of noticed a change with the way the pain happens. Intense pain would hit and I would become suicidal. Next time it hit, I would then plan on my escape because the pain was so unbearable and life was not worth living, at all. With this change, the urge to act is getting stronger. I realized last night it would be only a matter of time before the intense pain would hit and I would act on my urges if I had the means to do so. I had emailed my psych about the dissociation and how I either was going to pass out from pain and instead dissociated. I honestly have no idea how I got home, I wrote to her. Then to make me smile, the zoo I follow for giraffe pics showed the newest giraffe, Azizi, who turned four months old yesterday. She wrote back saying she didn’t know I liked giraffes.

Later that night, I thought I would reply to the email and then tell her the situation with the means and how close I am to acting on it when my pain is out of control. I have no real stop gap measure other than to email my doc like I have always done. Sometimes I will page her if I need to but I am not sure the pager is working and because most of the time this happens at night, I don’t want to call her late. I was hesitant in sending the email and I told her I would be meeting with the therapist today. I had no idea if I would be able to tell her this stuff. I get scared when talking to new therapists about my suicidality because some of them just don’t know how to deal with it and just send you to the ER. Around 2 am, and reading the email a fourth time, I sent it.

I didn’t have a response when I woke up so I figured she had read it but wouldn’t respond to it. I woke up late, like literally have to run out the door to catch the bus late. My bowel can always be counted on to stop the rush, which meant I couldn’t wash my face or brush my teeth. Seeing as yesterday I had somehow had a piece of shit stuck to me for hours I couldn’t fucking feel because of CES, I made sure I wiped good and pushed to make sure all the shit that was going to come out, did. Today turned into shit day as by the time I got to the bus stop, I was needing to go again. I wasn’t going to miss the bus because that would mean missing my appointment. There were no other buses coming for another hour which sucks. My stomach settled down a bit by the time I got my espresso. I didn’t have time to eat something. I got to the train station and had to go when I got to the hosp. I had a half hour before seeing the therapist so plenty of time to hopefully empty my bowels. Was not the case because by the time I got to the building where the therapist was at, I had to go again but there was no time. Luckily I was able to hold off the whole session without having to excuse myself.
The session went ok. We talked more about CBT and I showed her the book I wanted to lend her. She said her reading time was limited so she didn’t want to take the book. She asked what was specific in the book to work on and I said the CBT stuff was over my head as there was very little I knew about it other than the basics, which after 25 years, I barely remembered since psych 101. She explained and we went over things. I told her I needed a stop gap measure between the intense pain leading to suicidal thoughts that lead to planning and is leading up to acting. She had some coping stuff like putting an ice pack on the back of my neck. I could do that. I actually had that during one of my hospitalizations when I was in really bad shape. Somehow we discussed the crisis response plan that I have in nearly all my journals (only exception is the night journal I am currently. I don’t have it there because there is a strap and I am scared some idiot in the hosp, should I bring it, will treat it as a safety issue and take it away from me). She said this was good. I said yes it is but I need to be held accountable to actually using it because I can skip the steps and go right to crisis mode, which is calling my contact or my therapist/psych or even going to the emergency room. Plus, I don’t think I am ready for it as I get too overwhelmed to think about writing alternatives to my suicidal thoughts. I said the “stepping back” might work for me, which I have been trying. It hasn’t been easy but I try. She did say a lot of the stuff is going to be based on how much I do. Hence why I have avoided CBT for the longest time. I sort of want a quick fix and sometimes just talking about things is that fix except when I don’t get validated for what I say.

On my way to my appointment, my psych emailed me. When I was riding on the train, I got to read it. She said she wanted to talk and would call me in the late afternoon. I said that is fine as I should be home by then. She called a little after 1900. I gave her a brief update on things. Told her I have been having a hard time keeping up with my blog. She said that was okay as I didn’t write every day. I told her it is now more than that, like 4 days or so before I write. I told her I haven’t even been writing in my journal. I have stuff to write but nothing is coming out. She seemed kind of worried about this but didn’t say anything. I told her about the means and how I plan to have someone hold it for me. I just need to figure out logistics. She asked if we can talk next week. I said okay. That is when she said she needs to keep tabs on me, in her professional “motherly” voice. I said don’t you always?

garbage in my head

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Garbage in my head

I’ve had a lot of stuff happen since Friday. I did way too much in all of the activities I did on Friday that Saturday I could hardly move. My back had started acting up Friday night and woke me up with severe pain early Saturday morning that I really couldn’t go back to sleep. I was having a lot of PTSD where intrusive memories would come in or a video of all the events leading to my first cauda equina syndrome would play in fast forward. I had emailed my psych around 10pm and got a response. She said she was sorry and hoped that tomorrow would be better. I didn’t respond because I was hurting and drugged up too much. I know I responded when I woke up around 0730 or so. If she could decipher what I was saying, all the more power to her because I had no idea what the hell I was trying to say. I haven’t emailed her since. I have been in too much pain. My scar hurt so bad I thought it was going to burst and there was like a two inch area from each side of it going in a square down my back that hurt so damn bad. I’ve had back pain before but never like this. And my lower back was all screwed up as well. I tried putting lidocaine patches on them and it didn’t last an hour. The adhesive was burning me. I had nerve pain in my thigh all weekend. I kept putting lidocaine patches on. It helped a little but sucked when I had to take the patch off. Yesterday was a little better but pretty much the same as Saturday. I also had accidently peed myself without realizing it. So had to wear a diaper. I think the overload of the nerves just had enough. That one day of activity has made the pain so much worse. My foot hasn’t stopped hurting me since Saturday morning. I don’t know when things will calm down again.

The sucky part is that when I cleared my bed off to change the bedding, I had my eyeglass case that held my prescription sunglasses in it. I have no idea where it went as the case is no longer in my backpack or any visible place in my room. I might have placed it in another part of my bag but we’ll see. I found another case with a pair of sunglasses in it. It is not prescription but I guess it will have to do until I find this case. It might have fallen behind something or I put it somewhere “safe.” I don’t know. I just need to find it. I don’t have the money right now to buy another pair of prescription sunglasses. I might have to buy the cheap clips you put on the glasses. Not ideal, but at least it will save my eyes from the sun’s glare. I know I will find them when I am not looking for them.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the brace clinic at one of the rehab hospitals in Boston. I am hoping they can either give me a new AFO (ankle foot orthotic) or at least adjust mine so that it doesn’t keep sliding when I walk. I have lost weight and I think my calf has atrophied a bit since I got it almost eight years ago. When I was re-evaluated about three years ago, they didn’t want to do anything because the insurance wouldn’t pay, which is total bullshit as I wasn’t on the insurance I am on now. I really think the place was not the best to go to as the PT and orthotic guy just seemed like they didn’t know what they were doing. I went to the pharmacy today and as I was walking back home, my back started seizing up on me. I hope I can get to this appointment without it killing me. I have therapy the following day. Why I decided to pick Wed instead of Thurs, I have no idea. That is total stupidity on my part.

My foot pain just went back up to a fucking 12. And I don’t even want to take a breakthrough med for it. I should but I feel so hopeless I don’t see the fucking point. I don’t even know how many days in a row I have been in a level 12 or higher pain. I am instantly suicidal and thinking of the best way to end it. I won’t act on it but fuck I so want to. Like why do I have to go through all this pain? I am filled with anxiety right now. I know my night just turned to shit. Sox haven’t been providing too much distraction these days. They had a 5-0 lead and now they lead by one in the 3rd. So typical of them. Ugly Ricky is pitching. He hasn’t been pretty all season. Actually, the only pitcher that has been showing some improvement is Eduardo Rodriguez. He has the most wins, though his ERA is higher than OverPrice. I can’t listen to the game anymore because I never know if the sound waves are going to hurt me or not. I am listening to the radio on my phone that is away from my leg. But that doesn’t mean anything. The air waves can fricken bother me. I am not in sensory overload yet, but that can happen quickly. Part of the CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome).

Since the afternoon DJ on the country radio station I listen to left, the one that does the evening has I think moved to that spot because there is another guy filling in the evening. I have no idea who he is. I haven’t listened to the station in a long time. Mostly it is because the app is finnicky. A message or if I open another app, it will shut off or it will close on its own. It is annoying so I pretty much stopped listening to it or will listen to it for short periods.

I weighed myself this morning and I am 3 pounds heavier. I am okay with this, only because I am eating again so I knew I was going to gain some weight. Saturday as I couldn’t move and pretty much slept all day, I didn’t eat or drink anything the entire day. I think I was just drinking what ever I was taking with my meds. It was the roughest day for me as I was in so much pain.

Sox are now leading by 4 in the 3rd. Maybe they can break it open. But I won’t hold my hopes up, just yet… I have attached the chronic pain scale so you can have an idea of what kind of pain I deal with on a daily basis.

I got my head in a mess

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I got my head in a mess

Today has been a rough day. I hardly got any sleep last night. I went to bed around 0530 or maybe 0630, I don’t remember. I know it was late (or early) enough to take my morning meds so I didn’t have to wake up to my med alarm a few hours later. I woke up about an hour after my med alarm would have gone off, around 1030. I didn’t get up right away other than using the bathroom. I wasn’t in too much pain but it was friggen so damn hot and muggy in the house. An hour later, I decided to get some coffee. I didn’t want to try and go back to sleep. I had a hot cup of coffee because I am running low on my ice coffee. I have about a half a cup left. I had a pop tart with it but I couldn’t finish the second one (there is two in a package). I had to go to the pharmacy to get my meds. Then I figured I would make some breakfast burritos and then maybe change my sheets.

I went to the pharmacy and when I came home, I was soaked with sweat. I had to change my shirt. I had the AC on so I cooled down before deciding what I was going to do next. My mother said she was going to take the bins out of the boxes and break down the boxes. I said ok. After I cooled down, I broke down the box with the bin that was outside my room in the hallway. I had a good time using the box cutter to cutting up the box. I then threw the stuff downstairs. I realized I didn’t have enough cheese to make the burritos so I had to go to the store to get some more. I called the butcher shop and checked the price there. It was a good price. The next bus wasn’t for another half hour so I put all my bags into the bin that was in my room. That cleared up some space. I changed into a tank top and I was going to wear it to go to the butcher shop.

I went to the bus stop and as I was waiting, my nephew drove by and gave me a ride to the Square. I went to Starbucks and got an iced coffee. Then I went to the butcher shop and the little grocery store that was across the street. I didn’t plan on going there but I wanted to check the price of the cheese. It was expensive so I got some roast beef and turkey bacon. I also got some more tortillas as there were only a few left for the burritos.

I came home and there was someone in the bathroom. I so wanted to shower as I was soaked again. The T and the nerve damage is causing me to sweat so damn much. I can’t stand it. I have been trying to drink fluids throughout the day but I am not that thirsty so it is hard. I sort of have to remind myself to. I cooled off for a bit then when I was, I decided I was going to take a shower and then make something to eat. I bought burgers yesterday and made an awesome one with turkey bacon and pickles. I made the same tonight, though I didn’t cook the burger too good. It was really rare. I knew I should have let it cook for a few more minutes but I was hungry. Always happens. It was really good anyway but I couldn’t finish it all.

I just finished the burger and cleaned up the kitchen a bit. I still am buzzed from the coffee so I think I am going to attempt to change my sheets. I don’t think I can take another night sleeping with just a blanket on. I need to put a lidocaine patch on my thigh though. While I was at the deli in the grocery store, the guy there was lazy as he didn’t want to change the labels on the weight things. All three needed to be changed and when he realized this, he took his blessed time trying to find labels and change one weight thing. I must have been standing at the counter for at least 20 minutes while this was happening. When I went to the bus stop and finally sat while waiting, my thigh pain was so damn bad. It flared up again while I was showering. I am not fucking happy about this. My back has been acting up for most of the day while doing shit. Resting has helped but it is still sore. I really want to change my sheets but think I will have my mother put at least two lido patches on my back so I can get things done. Otherwise tomorrow I may not be able to move.

Sox are finally playing tonight. I HATE the All Star break. They were off four fricken days. I missed baseball so much, well Sox baseball. Tonight they are playing the Dodgers, the team we won the World Series to. I feel like tonight will be revenge and I am not looking forward to that. Game is in an hour so if I want to do the last two things of the day, I better sign off now. Till next time.

Pit of Doom

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pit of doom

I didn’t think it was that long a period between blogs but I guess I am writing every 4 days or so. I don’t like it but some days it is so hard to get my thoughts together. I am missing the hell out of my psychiatrist even though it has only been two weeks since I last saw her. We have been keeping in touch through email but it isn’t the same thing. I went through the email communication while she was out during her hip surgery and it was torture. I didn’t see her for about 3 to 4 months while she was recovering. I seem to be emailing her at least twice a day, more if there is a response. I just miss her so much.

In the meantime, my mood has blackened. The suicidal mood that I was in in April seems to have returned. It isn’t quite as deep as it was then, but it is slowly getting worse. I am 100% sure the stress of being home and arguing with family nearly every day or every other has significantly contributed. I honestly don’t feel like I am wanted yet I am expected to do things even though my pain is through the roof. Sunday my youngest sister, who I thought was on my side, came up and put my clothes in the bin it was on top of, all without asking first. I did not want them in the bin because I do not want them smelling like plastic. She said she would throw in some dryer sheets. I got so pissed. I sarcastically thanked her and said it is going to hurt my back bending to get my clothes. She said I was being mean and to use my knees. Then she tells me to live my life, storms back up here and puts my clothes that were in a neat pile before, out of the bin in a messy fashion. I was in tears the whole fucking day as my pain just went through the fucking roof I was so upset. Later that night she calls me and I didn’t answer. She calls me a baby and tells me to be an adult. I say you tell me to live my life then call me a baby? Then she goes on about how living in a “mess” is unhealthy. I say I am not dead yet, nor have I been seriously ill. She then calls me selfish and I say good night. We haven’t spoken since. Last night they were having another argument with my mother, and again my fucking middle sister said to my mother “she wasn’t getting younger”. I have no fucking idea why the hell she is obsessed with age. She is 11 months younger than me and says she is old. WTF. I don’t get it. I do not like the fact they have my mother’s bedroom at the far end of the house while every one else is not near her. Something happens to her, we aren’t going to know till morning. How the fuck is that fair. Her sugar was low Saturday night and she came in my room. I was up because I had used the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep. She is supposed to navigate with a low sugar to get help or to the kitchen?? Obviously they didn’t plan this out or think this through.

Last night I was in a dark mood. I wrote a draft of what I wanted to say to my psych. Then sent off another email around midnight as I was in so much pain with my back and ankle I couldn’t sleep and was thinking of ending it. I have been slowly doing stuff in my room and it is costing me big time. I bought 6 bins to put my stuff in. I wanted to do stuff yesterday but all I got done was making space for one bin when I wanted to clear my bed so I could change the sheets. I had spilled Gatorade on the bedding so they need to be changed. I wanted to get it done today but I needed a shower, something to eat, and to pick up my meds. I actually had to go to the pharmacy twice because I forgot my ID at home. By the time I came back the second trip, I could barely make it home. I was sweating profusely, back and ankle kicked up two houses from mine, and I was kind of wishing I was fucking dead at that point. I had to change my shirt again. I wanted to jump into a cool shower but I don’t have the energy. Changing my sheets might have to happen Friday, if I don’t have to go to another pharmacy for my pain meds. Maybe I will go to a different chain this time. This new pharmacy always has problems with my meds every month since the other one closed. I am sick of it.

Back is so flared up my scar is hurting. I had to email my pcp to see if he knew of anything to help. He said maybe lidocaine. I have some lido patches so have been using that at night. It has been helping the pain but not the inflammation. I can’t use ibuprofen anymore because I have been getting flares of gastritis. I am on a PPI so I shouldn’t be getting the gastritis and having to use an antacid to settle my stomach. I switched from morning to evening and that has helped. I still don’t want to risk rocking the boat so am avoiding the ibuprofen. I just been taking Tylenol. Some times the pain med helps if the pain is severe enough but it is mostly muscle pain. I know I need to rest it but I got so much shit to do in my room. I thought every other day would be okay but nope. Just makes the pain worse and then I am out of commission for a week. I am just resting the rest of today. I had made a breakfast burrito so that should last me all day. I stayed in my room all day yesterday to avoid family. I didn’t go down to eat at all. I was going to when they had the meeting with my mother. I feel like my sisters are ganging up on my mother and I. All I had to eat yesterday was a protein bar and half cup of coffee. Think I might have had another protein bar before bed but my stomach was killing me so I don’t remember. I lost eight pounds in a week because of the stress. I either had no appetite or just didn’t feel like eating. I think last night’s stomach pains was hunger pains.

I am holding off on sending the draft to my psych. I have a tentative date I want to end things. I really don’t see the point of going on with the ongoing stress at home. I am trying to hold on to what she said of what I have to give to the world. A person on Twitter that I do not know had said the same thing. She had followed me for a while and said somethings that really made me think I mattered in what I say in my tweets, even if I don’t get likes or comments on them. A follower I know through the red sox said she found the courage to share her pain issues on Twitter because of what I write. It is so damn hard to continue living when you want to die yet know people out there, many you don’t know but know of you ether online or through social media, want you to go on despite you having no desire to.