Category: chronic physical pain

lousy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lousy day

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was up for a bit and then I must have dozed off as I woke up with the light on and me sitting partially up. My head was killing me from being in that position. I was tired as all hell. I took my meds and then made some coffee. I couldn’t be bothered to brush my teeth. I still need to do that. I have another UTI so will be going to the hospital tomorrow to drop off a specimen. It is going to tire me out much like today has. I had groceries delivered and my back was not having it. After I had my coffee I decided to make breakfast. My back went into protest. It was all spazzing and shit. My mother wanted me to do the dishes after I was done so I had to sit down like three times to finish the 5 dishes and pans that were in the sink. I felt so damn lightheaded. Then I decided to wash my face. As I was bending down to rinse my face off, I heard a pop in my back. It didn’t feel too good after that. I started to feel sick. I was getting all kinds of weird symptoms. My groceries were late and all I wanted to do was nap. Finally they showed up and I was able to put everything away and then make my way upstairs. My nephew put my bottles of Powerade outside my room so I brought them inside my room. I was careful lifting the bags. I was extremely tired after all of this and finally laid down to nap. It was a good nap. I didn’t sleep for too long so I hope it doesn’t interfere with my night time sleeping.

Not all the groceries that I ordered came in. I didn’t get all my Powerade and Gatorade bottles that I ordered but I got enough to hold me over. I can get some more later this month if need be. I am going to place another order in a week or so to get the bottles I didn’t get.

Last night I was talking with my psych and she thinks that I was pre-septic when I went to the emergency room a few weeks ago. That would explain why my white count was so high. I hope that with this UTI I don’t have a repeat of those symptoms. I sort of felt it today but I think because I didn’t sleep well last night that was why I felt so shitty. I lost control of my bladder so I know I have a UTI. I just hope it shows up on the testing stuff because I don’t want to suffer all weekend pissing my pants. I got a diaper on now so that I don’t wet my underpants and pajamas. I hate that when I have an infection, I lose control of my bladder. I just hope I don’t discharge blood clots like last time. Those are painful as fuck to pass.

I had a good talk with my psych last night. She told me she got hired by a hospital and will be starting in Oct. That kind of put me in a quandary. I want her to be my doc but I really like the psychopharm I have now. But I feel like I am betraying her if I don’t follow her. I kind of like that I have all my care in one place right now. Seeing my psych would disrupt the care a little bit. I don’t know what I want to do. I sent my psych an email asking her what she wants me to do and if seeing the people I am seeing is still okay and that I won’t be betraying her. I miss her so much. It would be great seeing her again but I feel bad for the psychopharm I am seeing now because I really like her. She cares about me and understands about being transgender because she is also. I will figure it out one way or another.

therapy and suicide stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and suicide stuff

My therapist shocked me by bringing up some suicide research. I knew what she was talking about though I really wanted the articles she was reading. I did my own research after we talked and think I found some articles that she may have read. I am going to ask her next week what articles she was reading. I am interested to know. She also thought that me thinking of suicide when my pain is great is what is making me depressed. She obviously doesn’t know that suicide planning can be a relief because you have an escape anytime you want. It is important to think about when you are feeling trapped. She wants me to have contact with my support groups and to reach out to NAMI. I am not so sure about NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). She wants me to be an advocate but advocating isn’t really my thing.

Because I was curious about what article my therapist has read, I did a search for the author I think she may have been reading. I found two articles that I was interested in and may have been what she read. I didn’t realize when I printed it out that one of them was 67 pages long! I was like WTF. It was a long ass article but I hope to read through it sometime today. The other one was a measly 14 pages in comparison. I might start with the smaller article first as it really is what I am interested in.

I didn’t eat too good yesterday. Today I was hungry so made some boiled eggs and toast. It was good. It is really humid today and hot, though not as hot as the weekend was. I emptied my recycles and have been slowly clearing my bed off so I can change the sheets. It is always such a task to do this. Every time I clear it off I vow never to put stuff on the bed yet I break it within a week or two.

I need to shower today but I am not 100% into it because it is humid in the house. I hate it but my nephew is on vacation. I wish he was working so I could just wrap the towel around me and go to my room to get dressed. I need to shave again. Such a hassle sometimes. I have to be in the mood to do it. Otherwise I just use my electric shaver for a decent shave instead of a close one.

I think I am going to go to Walgreens to get a bar of acne soap. I had an acne wash but my fricken niece used it all on me. I hate that she was using my stuff. I have been having oily skin lately and that is always a recipe for more zits.

Father’s Day 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Father’s day 2020

I had a good father’s day despite being in pain. My sister made yummy shrimp scampi and my other sister made dessert. I haven’t had it yet. I probably will later when it comes upstairs. I don’t feel like going downstairs again. My back is bothering me big time and is spasming. I wanted to empty my recycles today but never got around to do it. I guess there is always tomorrow for this job. I also need to throw out my trash.

I need to change my sheets this week. It is overdue for changing. I just have been lazy trying to clear off my bed so I can change them. I have a clean set so soon as I strip the bed, I can get them on again. I just haven’t decided if I am going to use the same bedding or change it to different blankets. I usually do. I think I will. So now it is just a matter of clearing off the bed and then stripping it. I just hope I can do it on my own without help.

I weighed myself today and much to my surprise, I lost five pounds. Only twenty-five more to go. I wish I knew how I did it so I can do it again. I think eating cereal is one way of keeping the pounds off. I haven’t lost my appetite so this was just a matter of how many calories I ate during the day. I have been having at least two meals a day and no snacking in between.

It is still hot as fuck out. I don’t know when this heat wave is going to stop. I wish it would already. I was able to shower ok and even though I felt tired afterwards, I didn’t go to sleep. I am really tired now but I just took my night meds so hopefully I will sleep soon. I want to make sure I am up before 11 tomorrow so I can make coffee before therapy. I am going to ask my therapist a serious question and hope she doesn’t laugh at me. I am always afraid of her laughing at me because I feel stupid with my questions. I just hope she answers my question without asking another question with it. I rather her answer then ask a question rather than question then answer it. Reading Linehan’s memoir has helped solidify my resolve to ask this question even though I know it is stupid.

I am so tired. I am going to try and go to bed around 2100. I think I will cath myself then and then go to bed. If I am not really sleepy or too anxious to sleep, I will write in my journal or read the memoir book for a bit. I just hope I don’t get the overtireds because that will not be good and I won’t be able to sleep right away once I am at that point. I will take a melatonin and see if that helps. I had to take some Benadryl tonight because my sister made some food with ginger and I had some. She tells me this after I eat it. I swear sometimes I think she is trying to kill me. I am highly allergic to ginger.

Saturday Blog 20062020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20062020

I just woke up about a half hour ago. I finished off the second piece of steak that I made the other night. It was good but I will never buy a marinated steak again. It takes too blah and definitely needed steak sauce to eat it. I enjoyed it none the less. I made iced tea and had it with my meal. It started to get hot in the kitchen so after I finished, I retreated back to my room where it is much cooler. I need to shower today and probably will after I write this blog.

Last night I was journaling and wrote some thoughts about my therapist and how she has been treating me. I feel like she wants me to dump her for some reason. I think that is what she wants. I see her on Monday and will discuss this with her. I feel it is important because she doesn’t want to have contact outside of therapy and that bothers me. I know therapy is the place to talk about stuff but sometimes you need some contact outside of therapy to know you are doing okay or at least to know there is someone who cares. I am feeling like she doesn’t care about me and thus wants me to dump her. I don’t know how real this is and I won’t until I talk to her on Monday. But it was good getting the feelings out on paper.

I need to shave. I think I will do that before I shower. I also need to shave my under arms. It grows like a weed in there. Seems like I shave it and then I have to do it again in a week or so. I hate all this hair that I am having. I broke out with cystic acne on my chest and upper back. Hurts like hell. I don’t know what to do for it. I might have to ask my doctor for something because the OTC stuff isn’t helping this kind of acne. I just hope I don’t have to see a dermatologist to get some relief. It could be a while before I can see someone. I just hope my back doesn’t act up while I am shaving. Lately if I stand more than a few minutes, it cramps up on me and I am unable to do anything until I sit down for a few minutes or sometimes more than a few. I can’t wait till I start PT so I can get the kinks out so I can live my life again without pain in my back. I really hope the PT can help me with this. I know it isn’t going to be an overnight thing but if it helps, it helps.