Category: physical pain

Farkle and buses

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, psychosis, writing

Nothing interesting going on today. I went to see my therapist and psychiatrist. My therapist and I talked about my current delusion/paranoia: the 6 die and the crowding on the bus. I play a game called Farkle and it is a dice game that is played on my phone or computer. Don’t really know the object of the game other than to collect as many points without Farkling, which is when you don’t get the one or five die. Lately my delusion has been focused on the 6 die thinking it just wants to kill my game. I become paranoid every time I get a 6 thinking game over. But usually that is not the case. Irrational I know but when you are delusional, you can’t be rational.

The crowding on the bus situation is my true paranoia. I HATE it when people start crowding up the entrance doors and I literally begin to panic and have anxiety. I just get so paranoid that these people that are standing are going to go flying because the bus had to come to a sudden stop or some jerk cuts the bus off. The worse is when strollers get on the bus and take up seating for people. One time there were three strollers and they weren’t the small kind. I am talking about the heavy duty ass big wheelers that take up 3 adults just to fit a small tyke that swallows it whole. DRIVES ME NUTS. It blocks the aisle where people want to get off or on and then I am left usually without a seat at my designated disability seat because these mini cars are now in my way. I will not go out because of this paranoia some days. I just can’t stand to see the aisle clogged up with people or strollers. It just makes me really anxious.

Because I spent a good time out today, my ankle is really sore. I am finding that even the smallest of activities have flared it up. The pain is bone crushing. This is the lateral malleolus or the bone that sticks out at your ankle. The pain is so intense, especially when I stand. I know all the more reason that I should lose weight but when you can’t fricken walk right, all you can do is restrict your caloric intake and that is difficult to do. I have been trying for weeks to stick to a diet but I have been failing completely. I just can’t help it. I like to eat. I have been trying to control the cravings but it is so difficult. If I want Chinese, I’ll have it. If I want pizza, I order it (I like plain cheese so it’s not too bad). Today I thought about Thai food but decided against it as after my appt with my psychiatrist I just wanted to go home. I thought about making manwich. I haven’t had that in sooo long. So tomorrow I will make that. I bought the lean meat. Only problem is that I am the only one that likes it. I usually end up eating it all. Another item of food I cannot resist. It is just sooo good!!

shame of living

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today I got my bi-monthly journal of the American Association of Suicidology, Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior. My cousin came over and my mother said to him that I like reading that kind of material. I do but on another level, I feel embarrassed. I know I am taking it personally because it is personal. I attempted suicide many times over the years and each time I fail it is not only a failure, but it also is an embarrassment to my ego. I have the scars to show of the self injurious behavior I have had over the years. Again, an embarrassment of my illness. I don’t know why I feel this way. Or maybe shame is another reason I feel embarrassed. I don’t know. But it hurts. It hurts knowing that I failed and I am still here. I don’t know why it does but it hurts like hell. I have not told anyone about the shame that I feel other than my blog and maybe my therapist. There is so much I tell her that I sometimes forget if I tell her about the shame of living. I know people who have attempted don’t like to talk openly to the person in front of them about their story of attempt. I don’t think I can speak openly in front of a crowd of people and tell them I have attempted and failed and now I feel like a complete and utter failure. That I want to try again and succeed just to try to cheat death. But I have people that rely on me to be here and though I sometimes resent them for it and even hate them for it, I still continue living. I don’t enjoy living. It’s a constant struggle for me for one thing to another. It’s more of a hassle living than anything. Between the chronic pain that I feel physically to the chronic pain I feel emotionally, why bother? But I do because I don’t think I can ever again act on my feelings. I lost what is called lethality. And until I get it back, I am still going to be living this so called hell called life.

had enough

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, physical pain, suicide

Today was interesting and bad. It was interesting because for the first time, I was at Starbucks and there was a mentally ill guy there just ranting on all the customers, mumbling something and he was asked to leave but didn’t. he just took his jacket off and told the guy next to him this is going to get interesting for the next 30 mins. The manager of the store decided to call the cops. I was in the middle of an email and said god only knows what as all this was going on and left the store. I wasn’t hanging around to find out what this guy had up his sleeve.

I had ordered a plain latte to try it out. Never again. It was so plain, LOL. I went across the street and had lunch at McD’s. I really wanted a big Mac. Then decided to go home so hell can start. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got home. Because my nerve condition affects my bowels, it’s hard to go sometimes and today was the mother load. I felt like I was trying to push out a tuba but only rabbit turds came out. The hardness caused some bleeding and I thought great, I’m bleeding from the front and back now as I still have my fucking menses till god knows when! My mother decides she has to go so I had to hurry up. I ended up getting stuff everywhere, rushing so my mother doesn’t end up peeing herself. I never had a day like today. And it still is wicked humiliating to me. The psychache just too much. I just am so numb, well emotionally. Right now my feet are doing a cramping dance because they are cold despite warm socks. I just hate that I can’t go to the bathroom like I did before all this CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome) entered my life. I feel really bad because I NEVER had shit on the bathroom floor before but there must have been some stuff there after I wiped and I didn’t know so when I got up it fell on the floor. Luckily my mother didn’t notice it or I would have said I stepped in dog shit (even though clearly there was no shit on my shoes). I just want to die from embarrassment.

To say that today has been a shitty day is an understatement. But this is the life I live now. My nerves no longer tell me where my stool is. Half the time I go pee and hear plunk. My biggest fear is when I have loose stool. That is when I really have no control. The hardest part is that I wanted to tell someone but I had no one to really tell. I belong to a support group and could have gone there but lately all my post there have been negative and I know they would have understood but I just feel like a burden to them because I need their support sometimes too much lately. And it’s not like I can explain it to my family. They would freak out and I know there would be that awkward day where my mother would ask if I shit myself today because she thinks it’s being supportive. But it’s not. I hate telling her anything about my condition. She blames me for having my surgery, even though it was an emergency. I had no choice. It was either surgery or never walk again. The second time I didn’t tell them why. It was because I was losing control of my bladder. I also had wicked bad leg pain. My surgeon was surprised I was still able to walk with the disc material in my spine where it shouldn’t be. I still have the pics on my private Facebook page to show my fellow CESers the material. Normally you can’t get that stuff but because I worked in the path dept at the time, I knew who to talk to about getting it. I wanted to see for myself what it looked like. This was only for my second diagnosis. My first one I missed the disc by a few days. It’s like having a trophy but also a reminder of what these buggers can do when they get wrapped up in your nerves when they shouldn’t. I had one disc fragment embedded in my L3 nerve for a few days. I lost use of my left leg and it took months of rehab to get it back. Too bad it didn’t help my foot drop on the same side. I never learned to walk correctly or if I did, it was only when I was a fatigued that I would not. It’s so hard knowing now that I am not working whether being stationary is helping or not. I know I did a lot of walking today and it felt good but now I am paying the price with cramps in my feet.

ramblings 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, physical pain, psychache, writing

I’m hurting tonight. Left leg is swollen and hurts like a SOB. I hope I get some sleep tonight as I got to get up early tomorrow. I have an appointment with a group leader I hope to get into a group with. I don’t know if it will work out as the walk is a hike from the T station. I’m worried I might not make it. I’ll bring my cane tomorrow just in case my leg is in support. I know it is because it is snowing out.

Today was my niece’s birthday party. I made chicken wings for the party. They were gone by the end of it. Everyone loves my chicken wings.

I got a paper I need to revise for an upcoming blog post. I have had a chance to do it today and doesn’t look like I am going to do it tonight as I am pretty medicated, or will be. The pain started when I woke up this afternoon. My sister kept calling me like every friggen hour on making the wings so I didn’t get much sleep. I hope it doesn’t last long because it will drive me crazy and it doesn’t help me walking.

I hate waking up early for any reason but tomorrow I will make an exception and go to this appointment. I hope it is for the good because I really want something that gets me out of the house and maybe help my mood somewhat.