Tag: back pain

3 am and I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

3 am and I can’t sleep.

I woke up about an hour ago. I had to pee and can’t seem to go back to sleep. I had been sleeping most of the day. I just have been so tired. I haven’t eaten much either. If I am still up in the morning I will order breakfast burritos from McD’s. I haven’t had them in a long while.

Yesterday was a momentous day. We finally have a decent president and vice president in the office. The loser is out, though I still don’t know if he conceded or not yet. He probably won’t which will be no surprise but will be sad. I was happy I found out when I woke up in the morning. We have a female vice president. I can’t believe it. I am so happy.

I haven’t been reading my books like I have. I sort of lost interest. It is also hard to concentrate. I have been depressed the past week or so. I just don’t feel like doing anything. It is so hard to when your back is cramping all the time like it is now. I already took some Zanaflex but now I will take some Ativan. I should just take the Ativan as it works better.

I am not sure what I want to do today. I need to empty my trash and recycles to the bin. I think that will be my only goal for today. I also need a shower and to pick up my meds so we’ll see how that goes. My psychiatrist increased the Latuda and I need to pick up the changed dose. He wanted me to be on a 60 mg dose. I haven’t had side effects other than with my bowels. It has been causing some loose stool happening.

Yesterday I was down all day. I had a bowel accident and I just felt really terrible about it. I just slept all day. My back was bothering me so it was a good day to just lay low. I stayed off social media but was happy to find hear that Cora is now the manager of the Sox again. That made my day. I can’t wait till February when Spring Training starts. I hope they have a normal start and this Covid shit is gone. I don’t think it will be gone till late 2021. I hope we can have a vaccine by then but there is no guarantee about that. The virus just doesn’t stay in your system long enough for antibodies to hold on. Least that is what I keep reading.

Monday I have an appointment with a surgeon for a hysterectomy consult. I am nervous about it but it should be straight forward. I just hope she can take it out of me and then I don’t have to worry about the useless organ again.

Anxiously Awaiting the Results of the Election

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Anxiously awaiting the results of the election

It has been two days since the election and we are not closer to finding out who won. We think we might have a chance but it can go either way. I am so fricken nervous about this. I have purposely been on the minimum of reading Twitter. Facebook is a little lighter in content but I have a few friends that are posting about it and it gets me rattled. All we can do now is wait until all the votes are counted, which is an arduous task.

I didn’t have supper so I ordered some cheeseburgers from McD’s. I couldn’t finish the second one. I did have the chicken nuggets that I ordered. I always order chicken nuggets. I am a nugget freak.

Later today I hope to do some errands and empty my recycling as it has piled up. I have two big bags of stuff. I also need to take out my trash. I got to empty my bucket by the bed first as it is close to being full. Yesterday I had no energy to do anything as my back was in bad shape. I still haven’t heard from the docs about increasing the dose of Zanaflex. I hope to hear from my neuro today about it. She is very slow in communications.

I haven’t had a bowel movement in two days. I just took some magnesium for two reasons, 1 to help the spasms in my back and 2 for bowel management. I haven’t been taking them because they have been causing loose stool so I stopped it on my pcp’s advice. Now I can’t go to save my life. I took some Miralax so hopefully I will have a movement today. Sometimes it takes a few days though and then unexpectedly, I will have colon blow. Not a good thing to have when you don’t have control over loose stool.

We made a compromise in therapy. For the month of November, I get three weeks of talking about anything stupid thing I want to talk about. But there has to be one week where there is treatment involved. I agreed to this. She wanted to switch to every other week but then changed her mind. I think this will be a good thing and might help me to talk more in therapy.

I am tired. It is a little after 4 am. I woke up around 0230 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. Probably because I was hungry. When I go on my errand I want to buy a snickers bar. I have been craving one since Halloween. I usually have candy but this year my brother in law didn’t put it out because of Covid. I don’t think Halloween was allowed in our town.

I see my psychiatrist today. I got to ask him if he will be doing bloodwork because I am on the new antipsychotic. My weight hasn’t changed. If anything it has gone down instead of up but only because I haven’t had appetite lately. I hate to get my blood drawn but if I do I am going to ask for a CBC to check my blood count levels. If they are low that could be why I feel so tired all the time. I might need to take an iron supplement. But I rather have beet juice and carrots to build up my system. I think my sister has a juicer. I also want him to test me for diabetes as it has been a while since I was last checked. Hopefully he will listen to me and order the tests I would like. So far, I haven’t had too many side effects other than loose stool but that hasn’t happened over the last few days. I am back to being constipated.

My back is acting up again. I have been taking Ativan and Zanaflex to try and calm it down. Sometimes nothing works despite my efforts. Only thing I can do is lay down and rest, which sucks. I have to take a shower today as I smell again. Should be interesting as I wonder how many times I need to sit down before I am done showering. I got to shave, too. But I am thinking of using my electric shaver instead of the razor this time.

shifting anxiety to self care

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shifting anxiety to self care

I have been on social media minimally all day. I just check what is going on and if something upsets me, I stop scrolling and get off. I haven’t been feeling well. I woke up feeling tired and then when I laid down, my ankle flared up and it has been that way since. I am in agony. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I ordered McD’s and that was all. Today is my sister’s birthday but I don’t feel like celebrating. I am just in a foul mood. The ankle pain is searing into me. It is awful. I took some muscle relaxers and my pain meds to try and get it to calm down.

I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter so that I can relax. I am so tired. I want to watch a movie tonight but I don’t know if I will. I am getting sleepy from meds. I took my night meds early because I didn’t want to wait. I only took them a half hour early. I had been taking them later because they make me sleepy. I think the Latuda is really sedating. But I don’t stay asleep through the night. I sleep for a few hours and then I am up for a few hours.

I purposely kept off social media as much as I can today. I don’t want to know about the election at all. I am already nervous because the toddler in chief has put in a fence around the White House. Results won’t be known tonight. There will just be guesses and I rather find out tomorrow if there is going to be a tomorrow. With my pain making it difficult to move, I have decided that I am going to watch the Aristocats tonight. It is one of my favorite funny movies. It makes me laugh. And seeing as I feel wicked depressed, I think this will help some.

I am really tired today. I don’t know if I will stay up to watch the movie like I hope to do. I am just so sleepy. Being in pain is so draining. It is wiping out all the energy I have. I have had some fleeting suicidal thoughts. I have urges to take a certain bottle of pills. I have been resistant but my nerves tonight is testing my patience. I just glanced on Twitter and there was something about the KKK’s state being red. No surprise but it still is shocking there is a KKK. This group scares me. There are worse ones out there but the KKK always makes me fearful.

The First of November 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

The first of November 2020

I have four birthdays to celebrate today. Three are friends and one is a family member. It is the beginning of birthday month. I always dread it and this year, I am dreading it more so because my aunt is no longer alive. Every time I think of her death, I am panged with grief and heartache. I talked to my sister about celebrating her birthday and we agreed to go by the cemetery where she is buried.

I shaved and showered today and it came at a price. My foot bones acted up and I am still hurting hours later. I took a pain med because I had to. I am close to crying the pain is so bad. I had to shower because I smelled so bad. It has been more than a week since I last showered. I had taken an Ativan so my back didn’t cramp up so bad. It did anyway but resting helped ease it. I wished the hot water helped but it didn’t. It did help some of the tension in my neck and shoulders. I found that soothing.

I did my meds for the week. I almost forgot to do them. I usually do them around 2pm every Sunday but I wasn’t in the mood this week as I was just getting up. I figure I would do them before I wrote my blog for the day and I did. Now one less thing to worry about. Twitter is annoying me with me vote stuff. One of the historians I follow was talking about past elections and I can’t stand it. The next few days are going to be rough. Between Covid and election talk, I am stressed out. I only leave my house if I have to. I have not even left my room long enough to empty my recycles and trash. I have to do this this week because my AC needs to come out before the weather gets colder. I would have had it removed today but it is raining again.

I need to find my heating pad. I want to see if maybe using that on my back will help the cramps/spasms. I sent a message to my surgeon about what to do. Hopefully I will get an answer by Tues. If not I will call and see what he recommends. I have had it with all these cramps and nothing but rest helping.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of nervous about it. I don’t know what to talk about. I have been racking my brain about things to talk about but nothing comes to mind. I have an anniversary of when I went into the hospital back in 1994 coming up later this week. I always remember it because I wanted to die on Nov 5th. I really wanted to die that year. I was in one of the worst depressions of my life. It started in August and didn’t end till maybe June of 1995. It was a long depression. I had started college about two weeks after I got discharged from the hospital. I made the Dean’s list that semester. It was the only time I made it. Self-doubt nearly destroyed me after that. I felt like I was just not good enough.