Tag: Blogging

Night of horrible, excruciating, pain #CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, medical, mood disorders, painsomnia

These are my posts I have made on social media tonight describing the infuriating pain of complex regional pain syndrome or CRPS (formerly known as RSD). One of the paragraphs is to my wonderful, understanding psychiatrist which explains the vein popping of a flare. I don’t get the normal discoloration of CRPS. I get the swelling and pain and allodynia. This is my 2nd night of not sleeping. I’ve maxed out on meds except one, ativan which I shall take shortly. Hopefully it relaxes me enough that I can lay down and sleep. I really hate nights like this but a storm is coming so will be hurting all weekend. Barometric pressure has been so up and down, I can’t keep track of it anymore. It is painful when it like this. Not only do I flare but my joints stiffen and spine aches from arthritis. No one understands the battle so I try and be as descriptive as possible so some understanding can be understood.

Was just sitting in my bed leaning back on my headboard as ankle bone pain course through every bone in my ankle. Then all of a sudden went down through all my foot bones and I started laughing. This has never happened before. One or the other but never both and I am so deliriously tired I don’t care and so I am laughing because of the pain. I’ve used more pain med this month so I got to ration what I have left. Hahahaha oh lordy. Gonna be a fun night and a storm is coming. Wonder what levels of pain that will bring??

Fucking pain. Right where it feels like a knife gutting me up my foot, veins are popping up in a group. Foot still being crushed by unknown entity. Bones hurting severely. & it is midnight. 1200 mg gaba taken. Another hour maybe a BT med. After that, who knows…

haha CRPS is driving me crazy tonight. Every bone hurt in ankle and foot. Then I have a stabbing, gutting feeling where my veins are all grouped together popping like crazy. All blue from being together. Fun fucking syndrome nothing is working. Just taking the rest of the bottle of gaba and call it a night.

Losing the battle with pain. Feel like I want to pass out and pain laughs, and goes up more or hits another area of foot or ankle or both. Nuts. Suicidal ankle pain has started. Fuck. No sleep tonight after no sleep last night. Fuck.
Pain is off its kilter tonight. 2nd night in a row. Nothing is working. Haven’t taken 2nd dose of ativan yet only because I’ve taken high doses of gabapentin. Foot is being crushed. Malleolus is being hammered. And the suicidal ankle pain has started. Veins have converged so I now have a blue tint to my skin because they are popping up. You can see every vein in my foot as to how flared it is. Haha next time i need blood drawn they can use my foot. Haha ouch.

Sad, angry, and well other things too

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sad, angry, and well other things too

This week is a killer of a week. With the exception of yesterday, I have no days off. Monday I saw my PCP and other than sending me back to PT, he didn’t have any answers as to why I have a golf ball right on my arch near my heel. One of my friends called it a baseball when it was really flared up. I sent the picture to my PCP, which yielded a I don’t know see someone else. We talked about cortisone shots but I don’t want it. I believe it weakens tissue rather than help it. I asked about taking ibuprofen and this is when I knew he was an idiot because he said steroids aren’t usually helpful. UM, last I checked, ibuprofen is classed as a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug. And he went to med school. Moron.

I had a hard time sleeping Monday night so I slept all day yesterday. I was going to bake cookies but slept too late as I woke up around 5 pm. I wanted to go back to sleep before the sleepiness wore off but pain prevented that. My feet were giving me trouble. I couldn’t put one foot on top of the other. The bottom of my foot was inflamed. So I put some diclofenac gel on it. It took a few points off the pain enough for me to go to sleep. I was going to put some on before I left the house but fuck. People kept calling me and shit and the next thing I knew I had to leave the house. I luckily had my coffee in my mug. It was bloody freezing. I had to wear my gloves after I finished my coffee. The wind chill was terrible. I thought I was dressed warm enough but I wasn’t. The wind was going through me. I was frozen by the time I got to the train station. I didn’t go to Starbucks because I already had my coffee. I just sat on one of the benches while waiting for the train. I wrote in my journal as I had some time to kill.

I told my therapist about how my mood has been up and down and he said that I am angry. Fuck. Really, Freud? He didn’t understand why I said that. I explained Freud theory to a therapist. How bloody wonder. If I could have thought of another therapist, I would have thrown in their names for good measure but none came to mind. I was getting annoyed and wanted the damn session to end. My feet were hurting me and I just wanted to get home. It was colder than it was on the way home. Friday is supposed to snow so I plan on wearing my warmer jacket. I have to remember to wear a lightweight shirt otherwise I will sweat to death. I see my psychiatrist, who changed the appointment time to 4 pm. I don’t know when it is going to start snowing but that isn’t a good time to be out as it is rush hour, which means no seats on the trains and buses. Even with my cane, people won’t give up their seat unless you ask them. So rude. I will give up my seat to someone who is in need even if it will hurt me later on. These young people just don’t care. I remember a time when two young ladies nearly pushed me out of the way when the train doors opened so they could get a seat. Like WTF, seriously?? I had my cane with me. I am not one for confrontation but it is just fucking rude.

Saturday I know I am going to be sleeping all day. I honestly have no idea when I am going to make these damn cookies. My therapist says there is no time limit on baking so I if I want to bake them at 6 pm, I can do it. I didn’t tell him I hate clean up and usually I hurt too much after I bake to clean up. And my mother will have a coronary if I leave them for her to wash. God forbid there should be anything in the sink when she goes to bed. I am hurting so much right now. I took another breakthrough med. I hope that is the only one I need. I have used so many this month. I am trying to hold off but with the way my appointments are this week, I don’t think I can do that. It really sucks that my pain is worse at night than during the day. I hate it.

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog and a Pats Win 13 Jan 19

I woke up around 1300. I thought I took my morning meds when the alarm went off but I didn’t. I took them when I got up. I wasn’t hungover like I thought I would be as I woke up a few times during the night. I decided to do my hair and then shower. Well, it is all uneven in places. I am going to try and have my cousin fix it. Which means I need to call him and talk to him about bullshit things he talks about. Then be in his smoky apartment because he is a chain smoker. But I don’t have the money to see my barber until next week. Hopefully it will grow as I won’t touch it except for the sides and back where I have been shaving.

After I did that, I made something to eat and turned on the Pats game. They were leading already and had scored while I was showering (I had checked the score before going downstairs). I made the steaks, which were not that tender. I didn’t realize the A1 sauce I had was expired 10 years ago so it was not good. I had two cups of coffee and after I had my steaks, a piece of chocolate cake. The frosting was very thick so I just mostly had the cake with a little bit of frosting. It was so good.

I tried to figure out the bus schedule for tomorrow but I couldn’t retrieve the morning schedule on my phone. I only got the afternoon and only like 3 times in the afternoon. I had no idea what I was doing wrong and I couldn’t get the starting point from the station, which annoyed me. I just printed it out when I got to my room. I got to be up around 0830, well, least set the alarm for that time to wake me up and maybe have breakfast. I will be going another way so I hope to make breakfast of some kind. I hate morning appointments. I like afternoon as I don’t have to rush so much.

When I came back to my room, I did my meds for the week. Because the new pill is in blister packs, it was a bitch getting them out of the package. I don’t understand why my doc just didn’t write for x amount of pills and go from there. Such a pain. I guess it would be helpful if it was the right starter pack but it is the wrong one so what difference does it make?

I am hoping to go to the grocery store tomorrow to buy more iced coffee. I have maybe half a bottle left. I also need more half and half. Might see if I can find that steak that I bought that was so damn good. If not, maybe get some popcorn shrimp or a pot pie. Depends on my mood. Right now my foot is feeling like it is being split in half so it is anyone’s guess if I sleep tonight. I moved the body pillow so that I am not sleeping on my damn shoulder. My head is causing it considerable amount of pain.

I see my PCP tomorrow. I hope he can figure out what needs to be done with my right foot. I hate that my foot rolls while walking in the sneaker, causing my ankle to hurt where I had sprained it. I don’t want to go back to PT if I don’t have to. I just need something supportive and doesn’t aggravate my heel pain. I see my orthotic person Thursday so I hope he can come up with something. If not, I will end up getting something at Walgreens or CVS, whichever is cheaper.

Saturday Blog 12 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12 Jan 19

I wasn’t going to write one so if this is long or short, I tried. I had a day of sleeping. Think the nights where I didn’t sleep caught up with me. My mother called me around 5 for dinner. Kind of late as she usually has dinner around 4. She watched a movie with my nephew.

I am still dealing with basically the loss of my mother even though she is still alive. I guess the loss of her ever accepting me as me. I try not to have conversations with her. I know she has an appointment with a pulmonologist Wed and I want to go with her but given what has transpired, I don’t care anymore. She isn’t going to listen to the doctor anyway or remember what he said. If he prescribes medicine, she isn’t going to take it. So I don’t see the point of the whole thing. I am going to get annoyed and well, I am tired of being annoyed that my mother doesn’t take care of herself or tried to. But what kills me is that she complains that she has this and that to do but has no energy to do it or she calls herself lazy. She has some serious medical issues and won’t accept them or do anything about them. So that is why she is probably tired all the time and feels like shit. She doesn’t understand that her chronic pain plays a part in this.

Monday I see my doctor at the new location, which means going another way to see him. I hope he give me my pain meds scripts early so I don’t have to come in next week as that office is hard to get to. Too much transportation involved and the building is under construction, which doesn’t help. The whole thing is fenced off, making it difficult for drop offs and pickups. So dumb. It is going to be cold as we are avoiding a snow storm. I rather it be cold than snow. My mother has touched the heat so I am roasting in my room.

I want coffee so bad but it is late and if I have it, I will be up all night. Not going to happen. I already took my night meds early with some gabapentin. I still have water in my left ear for some reason. Been going on for the last three days. The Flonase isn’t helping. And my left nostril is clogged despite using the stuff. Probably why it is. I wanted to shower today but I just don’t have the energy. I want to trim my hair around where I am shaving my head but until I have energy for a shower, it isn’t going to happen. I thought it might tonight, but I am too tired. I just shaved my head. If I fuck up, I am going to buzz it off. I don’t care.

I have been taking so many selfies lately. I feel like it is too much. I don’t know why I am doing it. I take a pic and I have to post it. I hate selfies but I kind of like when I don’t smile. When I smile, I think I look like a dork because it is a slanted kind of smile. I hate it. Meds are kicking in now so I think I am going to stop here. I am sorry I haven’t been as consistent in my blogging as I was. Depression has taken away most of the things that interest me or that I enjoy doing. I have noticed people like the pics of the cats or dogs I post so on days I don’t feel like writing, maybe I will do that. I have a lot of pics that I have from Twitter. Hope you all have a good night/day/whatever time it is that you are reading this.