Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Rambling 29 July 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Rambling 29 July 2018

I didn’t do much yesterday but sleep because I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am. I had a bad night of pain. I sent an email to my psych around 4 and then took an Ativan and that finally got me to sleep. I put my phone on do not disturb but set my alarm so I could take my morning meds. With the do not disturb, my app alarm doesn’t work.

Sox won. I listened to the game, though around the 7th inning, I was getting sleepy so tried to sleep. My foot decided to explode. It was hurting me before I laid down but then it really started to hurt. I took some Neurontin. It didn’t work. I put some lidocaine on, and that seemed to calm it down a bit.

My cousin was calling me a few times during the day. He gets anxious if you ignore him. I really think, after talking to him tonight, that he is paranoid. He seems to think his mother and sister want him to move out of his apartment so his other brother can live there. I don’t know. That seems kind of crazy to me. I don’t know where he will go. He says he can’t live on his own, but yet he is. He can do a lot of things I can. I told him I might have to go into assisted living if something happens to my mother. I can’t be on my own because I never know when my ankle is going to go out on me. I can’t keep up with house chores. I found that out Thursday when I tried to do six loads of laundry. It took a lot out of me.

I have some dishes in the sink but I was too tired to do them after I ate. I used my last cold brew iced tea bag today. I have it brewing in the fridge right now. It is probably done now but a few more hours won’t hurt. I like it to be strong. I think you can use regular tea bags but I think it takes longer to brew or maybe you use hot water and then cool it so you have iced tea. I have a hyperchill think I can use. It works great for coffee. I just make coffee like I do for hot and then put it in this cup with ice around the chamber and it cools the coffee without diluting it. It is really neat. Only thing that sucks is that it is small. You can only get about 12 oz of coffee. I like at least 16 oz.

I am listening to my country music. Cam posted a little vid that she performed in Mexico. She sang Diane in Spanish and OMG it was better than it was in English! It was just one part of the song and then she sang the rest in English. I was bummed. I had to listen to her song again and just let the playlist play.

Weather is supposed to be less humid today. We’ll see. Today is going to be the only day the weather is less humid. Monday is going to be yucko again. I’ll have to carry my sweat rag with me. I can’t help it. I just sweat a lot in hot weather because of my nerve condition.

I am going to try and sleep. I will write more if I can’t. Thanks for reading guys. It means a lot.

it is hot and I am hangry

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It is hot and I am hangry

I have been in a kind of pissy mood most of the day. I found out that it is because I am hungry. I felt better once I had breakfast and then didn’t eat again until I got home from therapy. I was so friggen angry. Every moron was in my way. I nearly missed my stop because I lost track of the stops. I thought I got on the train where my psychiatrist is. My therapist is two stops later. I was so angry and distracted by my phone, I lost count and luckily looked up in time. No matter, the bus decided not to show up. I caught the bus down the street to catch the 1545 bus that would take me home. I am so mad! And HOT. On the way home, I saw my cousin sitting on the wall by Walgreens. I guess he stopped to relax as his prescription wasn’t ready. We talked on the way home. It had been a while since we chatted. I have his number blocked because he annoys me. Sorry but if I don’t answer my phone the first time, that doesn’t give you permission to call every two minutes for 10 minutes trying to reach me!!

I ordered food because I didn’t want to heat up the pulled pork or make something else. I was too tired and hot. Therapy went okay. He is on vacation for two weeks. Kind of weird not seeing him. He asked why. I said because we have not really had two consecutive weeks of not seeing each other. Maybe every other week but not two weeks. And in that time frame, I don’t have anything else scheduled. Mostly because the All Star game is playing, which means the Sox are off for four days. I hate that week. I miss my boys playing. I can’t believe we are almost at the midway point. We lost big time last night. Sox got their asses handed to them all because of OverPriced Price. Fricken asshole. I think he did it on purpose so he can find some excuse not to play them next time. Fricken loser he is. And a $31 million dollar one at that!

I wrote my friend an email. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago with a doggie pic of the breed she likes. But my stupid phone did something to the email I wrote and it got stuck in my outbox so the only thing that got sent was the pic, then it looked like she responded but there was nothing. I don’t know. I used my computer to send her another message with an update. I am seeing my friends that are south of Boston on the 4th. I am wicked excited. I told them I might be late as the T is running on a Sunday schedule, which means no service to the red line. I hope I can get a ride from my sister. She hasn’t answered my text so not sure what she is doing. If I can’t, I will have to go to the Orange line and transfer to the red. I have no idea how the trains are going to be running. I know I will probably need a cab home.

My back started to act up soon after I got up. Started with my right buttock hurting. I used a tennis ball to massage it. Now my lower back on the right side is hurting. Feels like the muscles want to be torn away from my spine and sacrum. I just hurt. I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain. It is all muscles. I have no radiating pain that would indicate a nerve problem. Weird thing is that I am having zaps (electric shocks) going through the sole of my left foot. It is mild but can cause me to jump at any minute. I had to put my foot at a weird angle to make it stop. Hate zaps. They are more unpredictable than flares. Come when you least expect it and just going about your business. Fuckers. I wish I didn’t have PT tomorrow but the next few days are going to be hot either way. Friday there are going to be storms so I don’t want to go out in that. I just want to hug my AC. I woke up freezing around maybe 4 this morning. I had to shut it off. Then I woke up hot. It didn’t matter as I had to be up anyways. I wish I stayed up than go back to sleep. I feel so worn out. Even my therapist said I was tired.

lab work and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lab work and other stuff

I was having a difficult time sleeping last night due to pain. I fell asleep sometime after 1 when I decided to sleep on my left side, where I hurt, and use the body pillow as my head pillow rather than the standard one I had been using. I slept through the night until my blasted med alarm went off. I couldn’t believe I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in. Only thing was, next time I am putting a pillow between my legs because my right buttock was hurting something awful. Tennis ball massage calmed it down.

It was hot but not blazing when I left around 0930. A guy came over talking to himself and as I rounded the corner to the bus stop, he knocked on the brick apartment building to see if the bricks were real. I sat on the bench and he told me the new condo place had fake bricks. I said I know. I told him cement was expensive. He was like really? OMG why do weirdos talk to me??? He was telling me all about the town I lived in like I cared. I agreed with him. I swore at times as the f bombs are just part of my language and that seemed to offend him. He just stopped talking. Thankfully the bus came and he said nice talking to you. I was scared he would continue talking to me all the way to the Square!

I went to Starbucks and had my breakfast and espresso. I had five shots today because it was going to be a long day. I finished but didn’t have time to write so I grabbed my espresso cup and left. Now it was hotter. I got to the train station and waited for the train. I was feeling okay. I got off my stop and started walking toward the building to have my blood drawn. I got to the second parking garage when my ankle acted up. Fuck this wasn’t good. I stopped for a bit and then carried on carefully. I went to the blood lab where my PCP’s office was but because I had urine tests also, I had to go to the lab 3 floors down. Okay, they were better phlebotomists anyway. I went and had my blood drawn. I thought I could pee. I felt like I could pee, but I couldn’t. it wouldn’t come out despite nearly drinking a liter of water. UGH. I told them I couldn’t go and that I would be in the lobby until I could go. I figured in a half hour or so, my bladder would be full. I kept drinking water. For some reason, I was really thirsty. Finally decided to try again and after a few minutes which felt like hours, I went. Urine retention sucks so bad. I cannot go on command. I have to be almost overflowing to go. Damn nerve injury.

I had about 15 minutes before I had to see my psychiatrist. I walked over to the building. I checked in and there was a little girl about 2 in the waiting room. She was so cute. She kept walking around like she owned the place. I kept saying hi, but she was shy and would go to her grandmother to hide her face. It was funny how kids are like that. My doc came and we talked about my previous lab results. She had never heard of my medication lowering my sodium after being on it for so long. I had. There was a lady on Twitter whose sodium levels were dropping and no one figured out that it was the Trileptal until she was very sick. She was in the UK. I told her about the book, which I meant to show her but totally forgot to bring it with me. I will next time.

I didn’t want to make an appt with her. She gave me a time on the day I plan on ending it and I told her I couldn’t make it. When she asked why, I lied and said I had PT. I wasn’t in the mood to bring up my suicidal thoughts and just let it be. I was more worried about my lab results.

I had sent a message to my PCP that I had the lab work done today. Around 1730, he messaged me saying that my sodium was normal. I then got a message my test results were available for viewing. I am one point above normal. I will take it. I have been eating salty foods all week. I emailed my psychiatrist about the results and that I was in a flare. I had told her I could only take one breakthrough med a day which I hope to change next week. I had to take another pill a little while ago because as I was putting my dinner dishes in the sink, my ankle exploded in pain. It was too early for my night time dose so I took the breakthrough. I am still hurting and I am not in a good mood.

I went through Twitter like I always do. One of my pain community member had posted a pic saying that the biggest risk for chronic pain patients isn’t addiction. It is suicide. OMG is this so fucking true. I had to use the bathroom so went downstairs and as is the norm, my ankle had a fit. Totally went out on me. How can I not think of ending my life? I had just taken a breakthrough med an hour or so ago. And now my ankle is having stabbing pains, the “glob” is throbbing, and my malleolus is being hammered. I just want to not be in chronic pain and that is my life sentence. I don’t want to live anymore. It just has to end, and it will soon. I can’t continue like this. I thought I could. I thought things were getting better. But like always, it was a joke. A big HAHA, fooled ya. I still haven’t taken my night meds, which means I have to get up once more. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow except find my carryon bag so I can pack for my friend’s BBQ on the 4th. It is going to be hot and I want to dip in their pool. Little things is all I have to look forward to between now and the end.

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Things that annoyed me and other stuff

I woke up around 0330 in pain. Took me a while to get back to sleep. I think it was around 5 when I did. I woke up next because of my med alarm. I took them and then my bladder had to go. I went downstairs and it was already muggy. I used the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I didn’t feel like showering. I know I need one but I am just being lazy at this point. I went back up to my room and fell back to sleep. I set my alarm for noon so I wouldn’t sleep late. That was for waste as my dumbass cousin kept calling me. He must have called like four times. I let it go to voicemail. I stayed in bed until it was 1230 and then got dressed.

I went downstairs and put my shoes on when I realized I forgot my insulated cup. Oh well. I didn’t feel like going back upstairs for it. I grabbed by bag and then went out. My cousin was pulling up and my mother was getting out of the car. I started yelling at him for calling so many times. He said my mother had bags and I needed to help my mother out. What was wrong with him?? He has no problems with his legs. He is just a lazy fuck that refuses to go up one friggen flight of stairs. I walked away after he said that I should help my mother and he asked where I was going. Fuck you. I put Taylor Swift on my headphones and went to the bus stop. Bus came because I got the bus driver that likes gas. She drives fast and you better sit or brace yourself once you get on the bus or you’ll go flying.

I ordered my Starbucks. I wanted a cheese Danish but the store was out of them. I had a coffee cake instead. After I ate, I wrote in my journal for a bit, but was not too focused. My thoughts were all over the place, making it hard to write them down. I used the restroom and then left for my therapy appt.

I got there and he was running late. I had so much to talk about. I told him about my cousin and what he said. Then started talking about how my father has been on my mind a lot lately. It’s been more than two years since his death yet I can practically remember every detail of the day he died and it plays at least unexpected times. I told him how I felt about not being able to do enough for him, but knew also, there was not much I could do to save a dying man. Even if I altered the DNR to get him fluids or other care, it wouldn’t benefit him. It might actually cause him more pain. We talked about how I felt about him and the abuse he did to me on so many levels. I nearly broke down at least three times but didn’t. I somehow kept the tears back. I don’t know how to process this. It sucks big time. He let me talk. He didn’t say too much. Told him how my uncle died, my father’s brother. I didn’t find out the truth about how he died until a few years ago, before my father died. I forgot who told me. It made sense to me though I didn’t say anything more about it to anyone. I was five when he died and really don’t remember him that well.

My therapist had to change our time for next week. So I have a double header next week. PT in the morning, therapy in the afternoon. Fun! I should be a fucking wreck physically. My mother called after therapy. I had just missed her call by a few minutes as my phone ringer was off. I called her back and she asked when I was going home. I told her I was on my way but it could be an hour or so depending on the bus. She said when I got home to tell my niece to come upstairs. I said okay.

The bus was late and I think something was wrong with the back doors as the driver had to get out of the bus to fix it or do something to it. I was hoping things went okay as we were a few stops away from where I was to get off. It would be a LONG walk if the bus was broken down. But whatever he did fixed the problem and I got off at my stop. I went to Walgreens to get some protein bars but the price went up. It was 2 for $3. Now it was 2 for $4. I didn’t have the other dollar and I wasn’t going to pay $2.49 for one. My friend told me I can sometimes get coupons for these things so I will check out the website she recommended.

I had dinner and then went up to my room to change. I was so tired. I was hungry again but thirsty too so I drank some powerade. I wanted to make some fried eggs and toast. That has been my kick the past few weeks. I took a shower instead. BAD MOVE. My back protested violently. I am still hurting. I had to shave my underarms so the extra standing just annoyed my back. My trimmer ran out of juice and had to be charged so it was the old fashioned way of razor and shaving cream. It took longer but was worth it. I then washed off in the shower until my back had enough. I think it was the fastest shower I ever took. Getting into my PJs was hard. My feet did not want to go through the pant legs. I was getting so annoyed. My back was ready to kill me. My legs are also hurting. My left thigh is beyond sore. I have one appointment tomorrow in the afternoon to see my PCP and then 4 days off of doing NOTHING. Least I hope so. My legs are going to need to rest.