Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Are we out of the woods yet?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Are we out of the woods yet?

Since my first blog, I have been listening to 1989 by Taylor Swift. I can’t help it. I love this album so much. Each song is catchy and I find myself dancing in my seat. Since the blog I have gone shopping and made myself the steak I bought. I am really more exhausted than I was before I started. I haven’t had time to nap as I have just been reading Twitter. I follow doctors so my TL is filled with the match stuff and of course the tragedy that happened in Atlanta. Funny, I had a bad day yesterday and I didn’t kill anyone. Imagine that. These people will cover white privilege any chance they get. Pisses me off. This was a domestic terrorist attack on Asian Americans.

My back is hurting something awful and it isn’t my lower back this time. My upper back has been cramping since on the walk home. I want to nap so bad. I am debating shaving my head using the electric shaver. I usually don’t do a good job with the shaver like I do with a manual razor. I don’t want to shower because my back will just cramp up more as I try to stand. I am having a low pain day and I don’t want to turn it into a high pain day.

My sister made cookies while I was eating my steak. I am going to sneak downstairs and have some. They are anise cookies, my favorite next to chocolate chips. Did I mention I was tired? I think I am going to be overtired tonight and not be able to sleep. Usually my night meds help tremendously with sleep and I am usually asleep within an hour or two after taking them. I don’t know if they are the reason I am so tired during the day or not. My psychiatrist says because I take it at night it can’t be the culprit so who knows. I am just tired of being tired.

tired of being exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being exhausted

Yesterday I didn’t do anything but lay on my bed, trying to sleep. I just felt so exhausted. All I did was have my morning coffee and breakfast. Today I feel the same. I had some disturbing dreams. This is the second time I dreamt my mother died. I don’t know why I am dreaming this. I know it is a fear I have and her recent medical conditions worsening have probably increased this fear. My biggest fear is that because of Covid she will die alone in the hospital.

I want to make steak so I need to go to the butcher’s shop and get some. I also need to pick up my meds. I got about a half hour to get ready for the Square. I think I will bring my roller bag with me so that I don’t have to worry about the paper bags ripping. I don’t know if I am going to get burgers or not. Lately the meat doesn’t last more than a day in the fridge and it sucks. Or maybe I will buy them and then freeze them so they don’t go to waste.

I texted my therapist a question and she took it that I was unsafe. I had to tell her that I was safe I just wanted to know what to do in this situation. I guess it is something to talk about when I see her next. I just want to know if I become acutely suicidal what to do about it.

I am listening to 1989 Taylor Swift. I love this album so much. I remember when it first came out it was all I listened to. For weeks. It is such a good album. I haven’t decided if I am going to take a shower and shave before I go out or wait till I come home. I am trying to get energy to just do it but am so exhausted I don’t want to move. All my muscles are so tense for some reason and I can’t seem to relax. I am hoping that taking a hot shower will relax me a bit. I need to wash my hair because it is so fricken itchy even though it hasn’t been too long since I last washed it. I have to keep up with shaving my head so it stays styled. I see my barber next week. I am going to tell him I want the top to be all one length. Right now it isn’t and it bothers me. So if I have to go short and spikey then so be it. I will just grow it out again. I actually like how it is now but you can see my hair is not all the same length.

I feel really depressed today. I guess it goes with the exhausted feeling. I have my appointment with my urologist next week. I just did a questionnaire. I answered some very personal questions. I feel comfortable with my urologist so maybe she can help with the sexual stuff that I am having trouble with. I got a letter from my neurologist that she is on extended family leave. I don’t know when I will be seeing her. I just asked my PCP for a referral to someone where he is so I don’t have to commute that far anymore. My neuro is outside of Boston and it was a pain to see her. I really don’t like her office staff.

ceiling fan

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ceiling fan

It is really cold with the wind and it is coming in through my AC so I have my ceiling fan off. I should dust it while it isn’t in use. It’s got some serious dust bunnies on the blades, but only on one side of the blade. Weird. I want to clear off the things on my bureau too. Just throw them in a box and I will go through it later. I also need to empty my bedside trash can. It is filled. I have to find the trash bag that I had. It has become buried under some clothes due to an avalanche fall of one of my bins. I just can’t deal so left it like it is.

I had therapy today. I wish it helped but all it did was frustrate me more and all we agreed on was getting a bat and beating a pillow up. We talked about how my mother is treating me with the transgender. I told her I wanted to go into hiding. She said that would be a bad idea. She understood how much I was hurting. I told her I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I won’t be seeing her a second time this week. She doesn’t have any openings. I said that was fine. I am not in dire straits. I wills see her next week.

I didn’t brush my teeth this morning because the post nasal drip was bad. I was gagging up a storm. Once it settles down, I will brush. It has been working out better in the afternoon than morning. I still need to shave my head again. I have been trying to keep my hair as short as possible. I found out today while I was combing it that it isn’t even on top like I want it to be. I just asked my cousin who is a hair dresser if this is ok or not. Now I can’t decide if I want to grow it out or cut it to be all one length. My barber is very good but I don’t think he is great with scissors. He is very good with clippers. I like him a lot so I will stay with him. No one else will touch my hair.

I had two cups of coffee today and I am still tired. I want to nap so bad. I have been up since five this morning because I had to pee. It was hard getting back to sleep. I wanted to stay up but my therapy appointment was at 11 and I knew I would start to feel drowsy around that time. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about why I am tired and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will because I was kind of flip in my message.

I finally brought a notepad to my bed “office” area so I will write the essays I want to write. I think it will be better written out than typed. Less distraction. I wish I could do it in a coffee shop. I so miss going to Starbucks for coffee and writing. I feel trapped sometimes because I have no where else to go. I could go food shopping. I think I will go to the butcher shop today to get a steak. And maybe some burgers.

Saturday Blog 13032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 13032021

I’ve had an exciting day. Started with getting into an argument with my mother over the tea kettle. Then taking her blood pressure a couple of hours later to find her hypotensive. I had to call the ambulance on my mother. She was dehydrated. They gave her a liter of fluid and she normalized. Thank god she didn’t have to adjust her medication. I hope the bitch comes home tomorrow. I still am so mad at her for so many things and am still hurt she doesn’t see me as her son.

I took a shower and shaved. My back cramped up and is still hurting me hours later. I have been doing so much lately that I think it just hates me. It started flaring when I was taking my mother’s blood pressure. I just can’t stand too long still. I am almost a full year post op. Can’t believe it has been a year already. I am still having trouble with my bladder. I have avoided cathing so far. I don’t know if it is still a possibility. I know my bladder is angry today as it really hurts.

I went out today to pick up my meds. I have been trying to get the vaccine any place that is open. One of the pharmacies had an availability and by the time I reset my password, answered questions and shit the availability was gone. I was pissed. Now I am back to waiting.

I have been trying to stay off my phone to give my shoulder and neck some time to heal. It hasn’t flared up so I am doing good. I just wish this back pain would vamos. I am listening to Luke Combs and got “One Number Away” on repeat. It is my favorite song of his. I am so damn tired. I got to take my night meds soon. I plan on going to bed early, again. I have been waking up at three the past few nights to pee. Sometimes I have no trouble getting back to sleep but last night the power went off when I was in the bathroom and I didn’t have my cellphone with me. I managed to get back to my room in one piece without tripping on the stairs. Power came back about twenty minutes later. The wind was wild last night. I got another advisory for tonight so power might go out again. It really sucks because you can’t do nothing but be in the dark.