Tag: chronic illness

groceries and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Groceries and other stuff

I had my grocery delivery today. I got everything that I ordered and when I was putting the chicken patties away, I saw another package in the freezer. I must have bought them and totally forgot about them. I took out the hamburger rolls from the freezer to thaw out so I could make them but I had meatloaf leftovers instead.

Ankle has been hurting me all day and both foot and ankle got ice cold so I have thermal socks on now. The pain has been bad and has put me in a bad mood. I tried taking a nap earlier and couldn’t settle down enough to sleep. I rested for an hour. I took my BT med around 1500. I gave in to take it. My ankle is now still having the same kind of pain so I might take another one. My feet aren’t hot so I am going to keep the socks on until they are. It is cold in my room but I like it. I still have the AC in the window. My brother in law hasn’t taken it out yet. I got to call and remind him. He has been weirder than usual lately so I don’t want to bother him.

I did the check in earlier today when I wasn’t okay. I wrote a few sentences about it. I couldn’t go into more than that. I used the Dario app. I find that it is sometimes easy to write on it. It gives characters used and a word count which I find useful. I thought about tweeting what I wrote because it was within the character limit but I didn’t. I would have had to figure out how to copy and paste and I didn’t want to.

I have been having cramps for the past couple of hours and it is really annoying because I don’t know if it is the bladder or uterus. I had emptied my bladder a couple of hours ago and it hurt afterwards. I don’t know why. Hope I don’t have an infection. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital to drop off a specimen. If it continues I will get in touch with my PCP over my uro, though I am seeing my uro next week for the urodynamic testing. I am so nervous about it. I hate being exposed and having things stuck in me. It is so triggering for me because of the trauma I went through as a kid for a similar test. Those memories still haunt me. I hated that they refused to let my mother in the room after me screaming for her. I was just so scared me being like 4 or 5 years old.

checking in and asking myself if I am okay

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Checking in and asking myself if I am okay?

Yesterday I had a meaningful conversation with my therapist about being “okay”. She doesn’t like how I manage myself because it is very slippery. She also said that I am high risk and that is something to be really worried about when I have bad days. She told me that most times I am hanging by a thread and I say I am okay but I really am not. I told her she should call it out more. She said that will piss me off and even though it will, I will try to hear it with an open mind.

So with this information, she wanted me to set a goal for the week. I couldn’t come up with anything so she suggested that I check in with myself and see if I am ok. I am to write this check in every day. Right now that seems impossible because it takes work to do this. I have many platforms to use to write in and I think I am going to do a little old school and new school. I am going to use the app Dario a try and then write in my therapy journal so that I have easy access to it when I see her again on Monday.

I just asked her how long it needs to be and her response was “as long as it needs to be”. That doesn’t fricken help me! I can write just one sentence and be done with it. I can be concise when I want to be and this is sounding like it is going to be concise for me. I might blog one day about it but it isn’t going to be the entire 500 words that I typically write. I don’t think I can write 500 words on if I am okay or not.

My left hamstring is bothering me again. I hate when it flares up as there is nothing I can do about it. I haven’t been successful in stretching the fucker out. I think I need to ask the PT how to stretch it out because I can’t seem to do it on my own. I just went to the bathroom and my back flared up with a spasm. I tripped over a step going back up the stairs and now my bad foot is acting up. I am in great shape today. OMG today has been bad with the back and spasms. I had to take an Ativan.

I got my urodynamic testing next week and I am really nervous about it. I know it will show a change as I am peeing normally again but I am worried it will still show that I need to take a pill to go because I still have retention. I might be able to get off the bladder muscle relaxer as I don’t cath anymore. I will ask. I just hope that I am not retaining urine after I void. If I do, I might need to cath to get it out. I really don’t want to go back to cathing. It isn’t fun.

Thanksgiving Eve 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thanksgiving Eve 2020

My sister didn’t buy the squash that I wanted so I wanted to go today but I had to go to the post office to mail something out. I got stuck in the line so my sister went for me. I waited so long in line at the post office that my ankle flared up. It still is hurting me and I am trying so much to ignore it. It isn’t working. I am tired just from this excursion. God my ankle hurts. I didn’t go get my EKG today. I might go Friday if my sister isn’t doing anything. I will have her drive me there. It shouldn’t take too long. They are usually quick. I hate that I have to have it because my stupid breast is in the way because it is useless. I hate the things on my chest so much. It is really bothering me that I can’t get rid of them until I lose 25 lbs. I have been slowly losing weight but it is slow. I really think that this is discriminatory against overweight people to have them lose weight to affirm themselves. I don’t understand why you need to lose weight or be a certain BMI. If I had breast cancer I bet they wouldn’t say I needed to lose weight to remove the cancer. So stupid. Makes me so angry. It doesn’t help the gender dysphoria and it doesn’t help my mood that I have to fucking wait. I am so pissed off because losing weight is not easy.

I ordered lunch from my favorite sub shop. I can’t wait for the chicken kabob sandwich. It has been a long time since I had it. I bought myself an early birthday present for myself. I got a ticket to see Mary Chapin Carpenter at the Wolf Trap Center virtually for Friday night. I am so excited. And then I find out Taylor is on Disney plus so I will watch that tomorrow after dinner. It will be great to see Taylor and how she came with her new album. I love it. It is a really good mellow album.

I accidently took a double dose of Miralax today. I had a close to empty bottle so thought I would just take the rest didn’t realize there was enough for a dose in there. So I emptied the bottle in my glass. I just hope I don’t have colon blow or lose control of my bowels making an accident. I did my T shot today and didn’t hit a vein. I am so happy about that. Last couple of times I have hit one and there was a lot of blood after the shot. I can’t stand looking at my own blood. It makes me queasy.

I took a nap around 1600 and I am still tired. Hope I can sleep tonight. I know I took a late nap. I just took my night meds. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist. I had asked for a refill on the citalopram and haven’t gotten it yet. It still hasn’t been called in to the pharmacy. I hope I will hear from him on Friday as I will run out this weekend and I don’t see him till next week. Monday I will go get the EKG that I need. I wanted to go today but I wasn’t sure if the office had a half day or not because of tomorrow’s holiday.

I hate Mondays

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I hate Mondays

I didn’t want to wake up this morning. It was raining and dark out. It wasn’t cold though but hot in the house because it was warm outside. I got a couple of messages from my pcp’s office about my medication. One they approved and one they didn’t. It was the one I really needed that wasn’t approved. I sent them a message to ask why it wasn’t approved. Hopefully it will get resolved today.

I am so tired. I just want to go back to sleep. I have therapy this afternoon. Hope I wake up. I had coffee but I think I will make a cup of tea. It is a perfect day for it. I don’t know why I am so tired. I had a good sleep with the exception of waking up at 5 to pee. I was able to go back to sleep quickly. I then woke up when my med alarm went off. I had to pee again so I got up.

Therapy went okay though I got annoyed at the end. She asked if I was going to be ok and I said yes and then she asked what was I going to do if I wasn’t. Apparently managing it on my own was not the answer she wanted but time ran out so she was stuck with it. WTF. It isn’t like I can text her when I am having a hard time. She might not be available. I wouldn’t text her anyway, unless I was very intent on acting on my feelings. I have been through enough crises to deal on my own to get through the hours until the next day. Then do it again the next day for how many days I need to. She doesn’t understand that. Or maybe she just thinks that calling a hotline will be better. It might be but I have yet for it to be beneficial for me. If anything it annoys me.

She wanted me to talk about what to do on days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Frankly, I couldn’t answer this and still can’t. I know that I should have some self-care on days I don’t feel like it but there are days where the fuck its are so strong, I just want to stay in bed and will do so. I don’t feel bad about doing so. There are days where things are just too much for me to bear and I can’t handle it. There aren’t many days where this will happen. I will get up and brush my teeth, have coffee and something to eat and then stay in my room because I don’t feel like going out. I wish my options were more varied but seeing as I can’t no longer hang at Starbucks, I just stay at home. It does get boring and I haven’t read any of my books for more than two weeks. I was on a roll but the Middle Eastern fantasy book had too many words I didn’t know that I would be spending all my time looking it up in the dictionary if they were real words and the Reagan book is boring as all hell. The writer sucks. But I won’t stop reading either until they are finished. I am the kind that finishes a book when started even if it takes me forever. I won’t be completing my challenge this year.