Tag: chronic illness

about pain meds

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

About pain meds

“It’s ok to be on pain meds. Can we stop acting like not taking pain meds is some sort of moral success? Being in pain doesn’t mean you have an addiction. It’s okay to not want to be in pain. I’d go so far to say that it’s normal.” Lupie Linda

I feel like I don’t deserve pain meds because I’m a bad person. I sometimes feel evil so I feel that I deserve to be in pain. I also feel guilty about taking pain meds because I know there are plenty of chronic pain patients that don’t have access to pain meds anymore. I know I am dependent on my meds and though there maybe times where I take and extra breakthrough med here and there, I am not addicted/ Pain levels dictate how I take my meds. If it’s above a 10 I may take more than when my pain is a 7. Often times I will go about my business and pain levels will go from a 3 to a 12 in a blink of an eye. It’s at these times when pain is a 12, the here and there come into play. I feel bad about taking the extra pain med I need to calm down the level of pain I am in. I know what works, usually. The bad part is my pcp doesn’t want to go up on my BT meds, even though I think it will be beneficial for me. He wants to put me on methadone and I don’t want to be on it. The people I know who take it don’t get relieve of their pain while on it.

I sometimes feel that I shouldn’t complain about my pain to my providers because of the ping pong ball back and forth I get. Almost like pass the buck. Or I get the sorry you’re in pain there is nothing I can do for you. That is the one thing that makes me feel so suicidal. Doc knows I am in pain but can’t do anything for me. So I feel like a) I got to manage anyway I can with what I got and b) have the why bother taking anything at all if it isn’t going to help? I flip through a and b frequently. Usually it’s 3am when I cry uncle and take something for the pain because all the non-narcotic meds haven’t done shit for me.

The downside to trying to play catch up to the pain is I may look “high” as my lil sister has constantly pointed out to me. My eyes appear dilated to her. I will not feel high or drugged out. I won’t even feel good. I usually just feel nothing or “normal”. I hate that she judges me like this. It makes me feel bad and guilty for trying to ease my suicide level pain. I try going without pain meds when I am below a 10 but CRPS pain can change in an instant. The level 6/7 can quickly become a 12 or higher. I use numbers above a 10 beciase chronic pain doesn’t fit neatly into the 1-10 scale. Chron pain scale is 0 to 14+ (see photo of scale). Level 14 is unbearable pain where you cannot function and wish you were dead. My breaking point is usually a 12 though. It will last for hours to days when I am in a flare, especially if the weather is whacky like New England weather can be. I feel it when the barometric pressure goes up and down. I have kept a record of it and usually the barometric pressure of 29.5 to 30+ will increase my pain. I don’t sleep during these flares which only makes the pain worse to cope with. I have found that the higher my sleep deprivation is during these flares, the more likely I am to think of suicide and plan for ending my life. Once my sleep is some what back to normal, the suicidal impulses are lower.

A Cuppa and a Shower

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A cuppa and a shower

I had therapy this morning but because I didn’t wake up right away, I didn’t have time to caffeinate before the appointment. I miss having a latte. I don’t know if the Starbucks I go to is open or not. I heard some are closed due to the virus. I struggled to focus during therapy. I was just not there and then half way through session my therapist pulls the what is going on crap. She said I don’t seem right. Like something shifted. Something did but I didn’t know what. I just didn’t want to talk anymore. She wanted me to talk more about why I felt like I didn’t deserve pain medication. I am supposed to write about it. I think it is going to be on paper first and then I will type it up so she can read it. I am not sure if I am going to password protect it or not. Guess it all depends on what I write about.

I finally got the antibiotics for this stupid fucking asshole UTI I got. My brother in law picked it up for me and I am grateful because it is nasty out with rain and high winds. The winds are so bad it took out a branch of the tree that is just in the front of our driveway. My brother in law was not happy. I hope the antibiotics work in a day or two because it really hurts to pee right now. I can’t take peeing every fricken hour anymore. It is driving me nuts.

After therapy this morning, I took a shower after I had a cup of tea. I so needed it. I had some cheesecake with it. The shower felt so good. I wasn’t able to stand too long because I shaved my armpits. It has been raining and I have been hurting most of the day because of it. We had high winds that took out a tree branch and that branch is now blocking our driveway. It is going to be days before the city comes to get rid of it. I put in a tweet about it hoping to get a response but I haven’t yet. Even though the shower felt good, I was still exhausted afterwards. I wanted to nap but resisted as I haven’t been sleeping too good the past few days. I am just so exhausted from this infection and recovering from surgery. I still don’t have energy levels where they were pre surgery. I think the testosterone is helping build up my blood cells again. I have my shot this week so hoping this time next week, I will be feeling better and not so damn tired. The infection should be gone by then anyways. I am going to be careful every time I cath to avoid getting another infection. I think I got to start using wipes to clean myself before inserting the catheter. It can’t hurt.

Saturday Blog 11042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 11042020

I haven’t been keeping track of the days. I knew my friend’s birthday was the 11th (today) and for some reason I thought it was the 12th so I sent him a belated birthday message. Then when the date popped up I realized it wasn’t a belated greeting after all. I felt dumb. My friend wasn’t mad as he has been having trouble with the days, too.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just am so fricken tired. I wanted to go to the pharmacy to get my meds but there was no way. I am still waiting for the antibiotic to be ready and it isn’t. I might have my brother in law get it tomorrow for me if I don’t feel up to walking. I should be able to go tomorrow but this tiredness is so enveloping. It hurts to breath some times. I don’t think I have ever felt so exhausted when I woke up. I didn’t sleep good last night and kept on having weird dreams. I dreamt I was at some amusement park and got a whiskey and coke before seeing my psychiatrist. Then when I went to see my psychiatrist, she was not where I had last seen her but in a different room. It was so weird.

Ankle is really bothering me today. I can’t seem to block out the pain anymore today so gave in to take a pain med. I don’t know why I feel guilty taking them. That is what they are there for. I don’t take more than I need. I guess I am just judging myself with the meds for whatever reason. Maybe I will talk it over to my therapist on Monday. Might be some good talk if she can understand why I need to take my breakthrough meds. She doesn’t understand chronic pain because she hasn’t had experience with it.

Last night I was in a bad mood. I don’t really know what set it off. I tried writing about it but didn’t get very far with it. I got more upset that I couldn’t write than anything. My last blog talks a little about it but not much. I hate when I struggle to get my words out. It is so annoying.

The nurse practitioner gave me antibiotics for this UTI I have. She was reluctant to do so because there wasn’t much bacteria in my urine. I am just grateful because I hate peeing every fricken hour. I hope once I finish it, I don’t pee so frequently. If I do, I guess the surgery did something to make me go more. I just wish I could sleep through the night without having to wake up to pee. I think that is why I am so tired today because I woke up and it took me forever to get back to sleep. I didn’t drink too much today so I hope I don’t wake up in the middle of the night again.

bad day becomes bad night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad day becomess bad night

I’m on the verge of crying. Feel so depressed. Pain is high not only in my back but damn CRPS foot/ankle. The throbbing is making me want to die. Been four fucking days with the same intense pain. The feeling of content I felt is gone. It has been replaced by depression and pain. I am sort of in a psychache where my heart is being shredded. All because my ankle/foot is hurting so damn bad. Back is bothering me too but it is not the same kind of pain. I know eventually the back pain will go away. Unfortunately, it is not tonight.

I am writing as a way to self-soothe, as my therapist puts it. Writing is all I know how to deal with this hurt. Problem is that words aren’t coming so quickly tonight because I am thinking instead of feeling. I am wondering if this is a right or wrong thing. I’ve suddenly become self-conscious about my writing when I am feeling this way and it prevents me writing on tangents. The content that I was feeling for the three weeks after surgery is gone. All because my ankle is being cut up into a thousand pieces. It is being stabbed repeatedly and the foot bones are throbbing/aching so bad. This is the fourth day of dealing with this pain. I guess the effects of the steroids have worn off and now the pain is back. It isn’t at full volume but it is getting close. I know the exercises I did today where I was doing ankle circles didn’t help. That is when the pain started getting intense. I just ignored it. I didn’t even mention the pain to the PT because what was she going to do? She wants my back healed not my foot/ankle. She said that she was going to have a meeting with another PT about my case to see if I can add strength to the exercises. I think they would need the doctor’s permission to do it. He doesn’t want me carrying anything heavier than a gallon of milk until I see him next.

Because I am in a shit load of pain, I took a bunch of different meds to help ease the pain and help me sleep. I don’t know if the drowsiness will overcome the pain. That is always the question when I take meds for pain. Sometimes it works and I am able to sleep before midnight and then there are times where it doesn’t matter what I take, I am not going to sleep at all and be up all night. I sort of am getting my writing bug back. It has been extremely difficult to get it back. But each day that I write, I feel it reviving. I just hope it doesn’t lead to hypergraphia that I sometimes get. That is not what I want. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I went from 0 to 60 with my writing.