Tag: chronic pain

it’s Midnight and I woke up with heartburn

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s midnight and I woke up with heartburn

I don’t know why they call it heartburn when it really is your esophagus burning. Anyway, I woke up with it and I had it most of the day, severe gastritis that at one point had me sitting down from the pain. It was awful and I have no idea why. I just had two eggs and toast, something I have had many times. I think I put too much pepper on it. Then I had orange juice and I think that did me in. I have been taking Mylanta most of the day. I had to take Miralax to shit. I can’t remember the last time I went. I know I didn’t go Friday or Saturday so I had to go today. My mother’s stomach was bothering her too. I think it was because she was constipated as well. I told her she could take some Miralax but she said she didn’t want the shits. Fine, be constipated then.

I have been in a mood most of the day. I Saturday I made Keto pizza. It was alright. I don’t think I will make it again. My mother didn’t like it, at all. I still haven’t made the burgers I bought. I made chili cornbread casserole today but because my stomach was a mess, I didn’t eat it. I didn’t think spicy would be good. I am upset over this because I really fricken wanted it! That was the whole purpose of me making it! I am going to give it to my barbers.

I got to go to the doctors tomorrow. I have a lump on my foot. It is a lump my PT has been trying to get down but icing it and exercises haven’t been helping it. Yesterday, I could hardly walk. The lump is down now. I have been taking pictures of it. There still is a little lump and it hurts to walk. I have no idea what the fuck I did. I hope I get an early morning appointment because I don’t want to wait around all day. I might have to forgo my espresso if I still have stomach problems later today. I hope my meds aren’t causing it. I don’t think the Prevacid is working anymore. I really don’t want to see a gastroenterologist. All they want to do is put things down your throat. No thanks. I’ve never been scoped and I like to keep it that way. I know they knock you out good but I am just scared I will wake up in the middle of the procedure and freak out. I hope this doesn’t mean no more coffee. I will be so sad!!

I’m going to try and go back to bed now. I hope I can sleep. I haven’t had much to eat because my stomach is a wreck. Wish I had come rice. Looks like I might be on a bland diet for a few days until my stomach calms down.

depression creeping in slowly

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Depression creeping in slowly

I didn’t want to blog today. I slept most of the day until my stupid mother called me to see where I was. I am 42, not 12. Then I got the why are you sleeping? The answer is the same. Pain kept me up. I couldn’t settle down after the Sox win last night. Then pain hit me and well. Three o’clock came by and I was still up so I tried sleeping and I finally fell asleep until reflux woke me up at 5 am. Oh joy. Burning in my esophagus. I drank some of my Powerade as I couldn’t stand as my thigh was killing me. I think I need to move the Mylanta to my bedside so I don’t have to get up when I have a tummy ache.

I woke up just before my med alarm went off. My friend that I was supposed to meet up with called me. Said if I was in pain, we can reschedule our meeting. I said okay. That meant I could stay in bed, not having to rush to meet up as I was still hurting and wasn’t sure I could make it to the bus stop in time. I was grateful she understood. My support group, OMG. I don’t understand some of the people there. Two people said that cannabis helped them, either vape or oil. I don’t remember. But it wasn’t like I was looking for help sleeping. I was just annoyed my mother woke me the fuck up. Thanks but no thanks. I didn’t respond to their posts because I would have gone off and that wouldn’t have been good.

Then I read a blog Anne Wheaton wrote and my mood just tanked. It was tanking anyway. I’ve been battling a migraine headache since I got up. Sounds have been super loud and annoying. Lights have been really bright even though they are the same lights I have been using for months. I wanted to go back to sleep but I was too annoyed. At least the coffee I had was good. I wanted my pumpkin cake which is going to go to waste in a day or two but I had a pop tart so I didn’t eat it. I keep forgetting it is there. That is what happens when I make something and it has to be refrigerated. It is like it goes into the void and then it goes to waste. I then have to toss it. This is why I like giving it away so it doesn’t go to waste. I will try to have a huge slice tomorrow morning before I head to the Square. I want burgers. I also want to find the pre-cut onions so I can make the chili cornbread casserole. I am craving it for some reason. I want to make the keto pizza but I want the chili thing more. LOL I am so weird. I got to take the burger meat out of the freezer, shit. I will when I go downstairs next, if I remember.

I’ve been depressed the last hour or so. I just feel so worthless and hopeless. I am alone. I live with my mother. I haven’t done anything with my life. I am disabled but everyone thinks I am not because I can fucking walk. Big deal I wear an AFO (ankle foot orthotic). I am still upright. Yesterday while waiting for the bus that was late, there was a lady in a wheelchair. I remember my days when I was in one. Not by choice but because I didn’t have use of my legs. I remember how fucking painful it was to relearn to walk. I still hurt from that, emotionally and physically. I still have nerve pain. I don’t know if the nerve pain is from cauda equina syndrome or CRPS. I just know I hurt. My doc increased the gabapentin to try and stop the dystonia (trembling of the muscles in my foot/ankle) I have been having. So I am even more tired during the day. I just feel like a huge lump in a log that doesn’t go any where. I don’t do anything that makes me happy because it causes me too much pain. I try and do sedentary things but I get too anxious and want to move around. But that causes me pain. Or I get to Starbucks and then have to go home because I am too anxious to stay there to write or read or whatever. I feel like such a loser.

I bought another new book. I bought like three of them in the past three weeks. The one I got today was by the guy that played Hamilton in the musical play, Lin-Manuel Miranda. It is very inspirational. It was of tweets that he collected and put into a book. I love it. It is short and moving. I love that I have it in book form rather than Kindle because he frequently says, “you have it in your hands.” The book has the new book smell. It was printed this year. I really like it and I hope I can finish it. I tried putting it down and it was hard. I kept saying one more page. And then I forced myself to put it down once I found a something to hold the page. I used to have a stack of bookmarkers. Now I have no clue what happened to them all. I just use ripped paper or something.

I am not feeling well. I just want to go to sleep. I took my meds early. I haven’t taken my gaba yet. I take that a couple of hours later as that can really make me sleepy within an hour. I take it will my pain med which I take around 9pm. But seeing as I am taking meds early, I will take it now at 8 pm. I don’t know why I feel so miserable. It is like the black clouds are back. I am trying not to think about how bad I feel but I know it will cover me soon and I won’t be able to break free for a while. Every episode is the same way. I just got to hold on to this thing called hope that it won’t last long. I hate that it is starting around the time that I am starting the pain program. Trying to find motivation to do the home exercises while I am like this is going to be a huge challenge. I don’t now if I can do it without them kicking me out.

Last night, I was trying to pay one of my bills and I thought I could change the date and I put it through. It went through without me changing the date. Fuck. I hope my bank kicks it out or I am going to be in the negative before I get paid. I was already charged a “service fee”, which I have no idea why. I am going to have to call them or go to the bank tomorrow to find out what that is about. It might be that I didn’t have enough debit card transactions for the month. I can’t help it. I only get paid monthly so whatever is paid, gets paid, which doesn’t leave me much to use my card. I’ve been using my credit cards to get things I need. Not a good thing but when you don’t have money in the bank, it comes in handy.

Just realized for not wanting to write a blog, I am on page 3 in word and up to 1281 words. Probably all gibberish. The point of all this is, if you have read this far, is well, I am not sure. I feel depressed. I am trying not to feel suicidal. I see my therapist Monday, the one that likes to pick his nails all session and not really give me anything useful to go by. I really don’t want to see him anymore but I am so drained at trying to find a therapist that takes my history and wants to actually help me. I am now picky in what I am looking for. After 27 years of therapy, I should hope I know what I am looking for, sort of. Is there someone for me, I don’t know. I am tired of let downs. And finding out that the therapy world lost a good therapist really hurts me. I still have no idea how he died. I know it was sudden. He was just three years older than me. I pegged him as a few more years older than that. I feel for his partner and family and his clients. I’ve been fortunate not to deal with a therapist’s sudden death. Just their leaving for various reasons. It makes me feel like I don’t have hope and that I am a hopeless case. Maybe that is what is bringing this depressive episode on. I don’t know but I will end here as I have bored you enough.

RED SOX ARE WORLD SERIES BOUND

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Hi all,

My boys have done it. We have beaten the Houston Astros and are going to the World Series. We don’t know who we are playing yet. It will either be the Los Angeles Dodgers or the Milwaukee Brewers. I am hoping for the Dodgers. I think that will be a great match up.

I cannot sleep because I am in pain. Left thigh and right foot are hurting. I just put some diclofenac gel on. It helped the foot. Thigh not so much. I noticed the skin is much darker than my right. Hope that doesn’t mean anything. Also hope it is just a tan line and will fade with time.

I am very tired. I don’t know if I will be meeting up with my friends because I might be in too much pain. I will have to see how it goes. I hope this settles down by morning.

I sent my PT a little note saying I think she is awesome because she is. I wish I knew of how to write her up so that her boss knew she was good and really helped me to get better. I always think it is important to tell people that.

Well I guess I’ve bored you all. Go Sox and will write another blog later today.

Another depression episode is coming

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another depression episode is coming

Yesterday I was starting to feel symptoms of depression. Feeling worthless, everyone hates me, loss of appetite, feeling guilty over nothing, etc. Today I felt more of the same as I was riding the bus to my physical therapy appointment. I just didn’t want to go. I thought it was pointless. I just feel so tired. My legs hurt because I had to make a lot of trips up and down the stairs today. My brother in law needed to be let in because he forgot his keys. Then my mother had a nurse come. I was so aggravated. I just wanted to sleep.

I got to PT and the PT notices my swelling has gone down. I hope so because I have been icing it a lot. Not I got to work on the muscle to help bring it down more. That hurts. I have one more session with her before the Pain Program starts. She said that I could come back if I needed to for anything PT related. I said okay. I know there will be something I will need PT for. And she is a good therapist. I like her a lot.

I had to wait for the bus back to the station. It was really cold out and the wind made it colder. I had my music but there was nothing I wanted to hear. I have like 2,000 songs and I couldn’t decide what to listen to. I was listening to Pearl Jam and I love listening to their music when I am in a bad mood but this time, I wanted something else. I looked over my playlist and there was nothing to suit me. I ended up taking my headphones off and trying to snooze on the bus.

I came home. My new OtterBox came. I also went to Walgreens and picked up some stuff for my roommate. I hope that solves the problem. I also need to clear the area where the window is so my brother in law can take the AC out. I don’t think we are going to have an Indian summer. It is going to be cold the next few days. I think days of shorts and T-shirts are over. I hope my brother in law puts in my screen for the window. I like to keep the window cracked a bit so my room doesn’t get too hot. I had to do that last winter and it worked. I didn’t overheat. I like my room cool anyways.

My thigh is pretty sore from where I gave myself the shot. I had to put a lido patch on as it was really sore after all the stair climbing. Red Sox won last night. It was another nail biter but I slept through most of it. I kept getting messages about it, which kind of pissed me off as I was trying to sleep. I didn’t want to put the do not disturb on as I wanted my alarm to wake me in the morning for my meds. I actually woke up before the alarm this morning, which was good. I didn’t have to leave until 1215 to catch the bus for my appointment.

I made the Guatemala coffee. It was strong and bold. I really liked it. Wish I had time to finish it but I didn’t. I had some of my pumpkin cake for my breakfast. I have half of it left. If I remember in the morning, maybe I will take some with me when I meet up with my friends. They may like it.