Tag: chronic pain

Dystonia, no nap, and an unhappy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had an early morning appointment with my PCP. I will never make an early appointment again. I just can’t seem to get moving and then I am rushing to get out the door to catch the bus. It was raining this morning but not hard. Just kind of misty. I didn’t care. I hate the sunlight. I think in my previous life I was a vampire, lol.

The appointment was as appointments go. He told me about weight, not “wanting me to feel bad”. If that was the case, why bring it up?? I wish I told him that unless you are going to put me on a diet pill, nothing is going to work. I am on meds that make me hungry and keep weight on. I can’t exercise because of the ankle situation so what the fuck am I supposed to do? Starve myself to a fake weight that you think I should be? I mean, seriously. We go through this every fricken appointment. I am tired of it. I don’t like the rolls of fat I have and here is a tip genius, with T I am going to gain weight because it will be muscle mass, what then?? I didn’t say any of this. I just let him go on and on about diet and changing things and what I eat and blah blah blah. Then he asked if I would see a nutritionist and I said yes just to get him off my back. I don’t know if my insurance covers it. I am not going to go to someone that is going to tell me what groups to eat and what to avoid. I eat what I like. I am not going to deprive myself of that pizza or fries because it might put weight on me. I just have no will power. I like carbs. I know I should watch out for it but lately I have been feeling like crap and not been able to choose what I want to eat. It is just what is the easiest to make. Fried egg and toast, fine that is what I will have. If I want a sandwich for lunch, fine. Whatever my mother makes is dinner, which is usually some meat and potatoes or pasta/rice dish. She doesn’t like steak and I can’t afford to have more than one steak every couple of months. I am going to try a keto pizza recipe I got from facebook.

Before I left, I had to sign a new pain contract and give a nice urine sample. Pisses me off (no pun intended). I could go on a soapbox here but I am not feeling well. I made an appointment to see the chickenshit in three months. He agreed, thank god, to take over the scripts for my pain meds. I am happy about that. No more asshole pain doc to see.

I missed both buses home so I had to wait about 45 minutes for the next one. I was tired and a little hungry as all I had was espresso. I had no idea what to have. I was having severe allodynia with my foot. It was burning and very sensitive to touch. The glob (are where all ligaments and cartilage are) was killing me. I thought it was unusual to have so much nerve pain that early in the morning. I took some Neurontin, my morning meds, and an Ativan when I came home. I just wanted to sleep. It took about three hours for meds to kick in. I went to lay down and my damn muscles in my foot and ankle go fucking berserk! It was trembling uncontrollably. It was freaking me out. I sat up and it was still firing away. I have no idea what the fuck was going on. I emailed my psychiatrist but haven’t heard back from her. I posted in my group and they didn’t know either. I googled and saw that it was dystonia. I don’t like that term at all. It is a side effect that can occur with psych meds such as the one I am taking for my voices. Anti-psychotic drugs can cause this side effect, not so much the newer ones but the older ones, yes. I don’t take the first generation anymore but this wasn’t bilateral at all and was confined to the area where my CRPS is. I found out that CRPS can have this term. FUCK. And it is a progression of the disease. That just made my fucking day! It has been going on for three hours now and I can’t seem to get it under control. I take my night meds in about twenty minutes but I think I am going to take it in ten. I need the Ativan. That might help. I tried magnesium and Powerade. Also got the heating pad out and put the fleece blanket back on the bed. I thought it was just weather changes and it might be but fucking A, this shit is scaring the crap out of me! I am so tired. I needed comfort food so I just made a plate of tater tots for my caloric intake for the day. I had three cookies.

Well that is all for now. I am feeling nauseous and must lay down and hope my foot doesn’t get worse. Until domani (tomorrow).

Once again having to figure things out on my own

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Once again having to figure things out on my own

Last night I wrote a blog about my frustrations in therapy. I basically have until Sunday around noon time to either cancel my appointment with my therapist or not. It still is in the air. I know that I should talk to him but I feel like I have been down this road so many times that it just doesn’t go anywhere. Yea, I could be wrong. He could be kind and open about what I am saying and see where it goes from there but past experience tells me that will be for that session and the next session will be as if we didn’t talk at all about how I feel. I am tired of always going into that situation. So today, even though I didn’t want to, I made a few calls to some therapists asking them if they were taking new clients. So far, I haven’t had a callback.

I went to PT and she didn’t like the pocket of swelling that was around my foot. I need to be putting ice on it and doing the stretches/exercises she has given me. I also sort of need to pump my ankle before standing up or stretch it but that is going to be kind of difficult with getting off my bed because it is so high. I will figure it out. We didn’t work on my left thigh. She had given me some exercises for that but my damn CRPS ankle/foot has been so bad because of the damn weather changes, it has been hard to do. It was easier with my right because I didn’t have the pain. I did one exercise last night and felt better but I think the other ones need to be done. I am going to try doing them tomorrow before I get out of bed as you need to be kind of laying down anyway for it. My pain is not bad (usually) in the morning. I need to get my thigh pain sorted because next week I need to potentially give my T shot in it. If it is not up to par I will use my right again but I want to try my left and see how it goes.

Pain has been okay, so far, except for my right foot but hopefully that will get better as time goes on, if I do what I am supposed to do. But I just feel like everything is a hassle lately. I haven to figure out which thigh would be suitable because there isn’t a nurse I can go to that can inject it for me. I have to somehow keep myself from a downward spiral because baseball season is ending. I always get into a deep depression this time a year and it takes months to recover from it. And finding a new therapist that isn’t going to be an asshole when I bring up suicidal stuff is going to be tough. My PT said she was going to get in touch with her therapist for recommendations. I have no idea if they will pan out. It is like I have to do the work, again, for my care after just working out the pain meds. Makes me want to give up and just say fuck it but I don’t want to spend five years with this guy if he isn’t going to help me. Tomorrow I see my PCP so that is going to be fun. Another early morning appointment so I will be lucky if I have enough brain cells to talk to him. If I have to give yet another damn urine for a tox screen there is going to be a problem because I’ve given three of them this year when I thought it was supposed to be a yearly thing. And if that has changed, um, why didn’t they let me know?? Not saying I take other shit that I am not supposed to but come on. I just feel like they are a waste of my insurance’s money, especially when those with substance abuse disorders don’t get tested at ALL! But that is another write up for another day.

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sox are ALDS Champs!!!!

OMG last night was a nail biter of a game. The ninth inning, I was chatting with two friends about it and then it turned almost into a disaster. I didn’t want them text/messaging me. I just wanted to focus because I wasn’t watching, I was listening to the radio. Typing and listening can be difficult. Kimbrel was almost struck in the head as he came out of the bullpen by a fucking Yankee fan with a can of beer. I am sure that rattled his nerves some and it showed. He loaded the bases and couldn’t get an out. He got one out, then a run scored. Then he walked a run. The score was 4-3 at this point and he needed one more out. I was at the point where I wasn’t going to have nails anymore. Ready to get the clipper out and just hack away (I don’t bite my nails as that is gross). I do pick at my cuticles, which is probably worse, but hey, this is a playoff game. He finally got the final out with a ground ball, which was reviewed and the call standed. Game over! Red Sox win!! I went crazy! I was so damn happy. I changed my wallpaper to the Sox instead of just black.

I couldn’t sleep as the tension was too much. Pain was there but not so great as it was the other night. Between 12-1230 am I thought someone set off firecrackers. Found out today that it was gun shots. No one knows who did it or where or if someone was shot. It was at the end of my street. My sister told me the police was going to our yard to look for casings. Just wonderful!!

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0330, again! I didn’t put the do not disturb on as I didn’t have anything to do today. I canceled therapy. I was going to call some therapists but I haven’t brought myself up to actually do it. The alarm went off and I took my meds and then went back to sleep for a couple of hours. I hear my doorbell ring but I thought my mother was home, not that she could go down the stairs but if she needed me to, I was there. I didn’t hear her call me and she didn’t call my phone so I just lay there. Then my sister called me and told me what happened. She called again asking me to bring her packages inside. I opened the door and there were four boxes on the porch. WTF. Two were for her and two were for my mother. I didn’t carry my mother’s up. They were light but I was just lazy. I needed coffee and something to eat.

I ended up eating the last of the chocolate cake with my coffee. I showered afterwards. My mother must have gone to a doctor’s appointment because the showerhead was on top not in the holder on the side (we have the flexible showerhead). She doesn’t like it but tough shit. She said she got water everywhere. I asked if she had the curtain covering the sides of the shower and the curtain inside. She said no. Well, there you go. She had also turned it to the side so no wonder the water leaked out. I know the shower flex thing we have is not going to last. She is going to find another showerhead and use that. But it has to be $20 or less because that is what it should be (SMH). I just hope she doesn’t put the damn basket she has back in the shower seat because I like actually sitting down while I need to shower. She just doesn’t get it that I am disabled, too. Though she will never think of herself as disabled. Pisses me off. I will take the damn basket and throw it away. I don’t care some of it is my stuff. I don’t want it on the seat.

Today is day 4 that I have been off female hormones. I haven’t shown signs of bleeding and I hope that I don’t. I think it will be a few more days before I know I am out of the woods or maybe a week. I hope that with my shot next week will boost up the T and decrease my stupid female stuff. I really don’t want my menses. They suck.

Loving Do Not Disturb Function

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Loving Do Not Disturb function

I was up late, most from the exciting win of the Sox and then pain being stupid. I have no idea what time I fell asleep. I know it was after 0330. I had decided to put the Do Not Disturb on my phone as I didn’t want the med alarm to wake me up. I couldn’t fudge the time because it was too early in the morning and the app only allows you to adjust the time within an hour of it going off. So when I woke up at noon, it was too late to take my meds.

I wanted to make my pumpkin cake but it was humid and I didn’t want to turn on the oven. I had to go food shopping for my mother at a grocery store I don’t normally shop at. That meant taking a few buses to get there. I had some coffee and then realized I could take the other bus rather than the bus that goes to the Square. But when I figured this out, the bus was coming in like 7 minutes and I didn’t want to rush. I left around 1330 and didn’t get home till 1630. I had to stop at the pharmacy to get my meds that weren’t in yesterday.

My pain was okay today. I’ve just been taking the breakthrough med when I need it. It didn’t help that I rolled over a toe on my foot with the bag I was using when I got in the house. I didn’t bruise it, or at least the bruise hasn’t shown up yet. I hope it doesn’t. I had to have something to eat as I was starving. I fixed up a chicken sandwich and then had a piece of the chocolate cake I made the other day. It was still moist. It came out pretty good. I guess Betty Crocker is better than Duncan Hines. I never noticed a difference before.

Game 4 of the ALDS is tonight, in about 1.5 hours from now. I am nervous because Porcello is pitching and he can either be hit or miss. Holt isn’t playing tonight but I found out that is because he does really bad against the Skankee pitcher. I feel better knowing this because he had such a hot night last night. I just hope the Sox can have some hits and runs tonight like they did last night. I really don’t want them coming back to Boston to play another game. I want this to end with tonight’s game! Just to rub it in their face in the Bronx. But if it goes to game 5, it goes to game 5.