Tag: chronic pain

tired of being exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being exhausted

For the third day in a row I woke up feeling like a deadweight. I feel so tired. I had coffee and that woke me up a little bit but I wanted to take a nap after I finished it. I didn’t. I made myself a cheeseburger instead. The burger was good. I still feel wicked tired and want to nap but I have been having trouble sleeping so I don’t want to mess up my schedule. I had a total insomnia day where I was up for 23 hours before I fell asleep for two hours and then I didn’t sleep the rest of the day. I woke up a couple of times during the night. I had to pee. Today is also the third day that I have had the runs. I have no idea why I have the runs. I haven’t changed my diet or anything. Just so weird. Maybe that is why I am so tired. I am dehydrated. It is still cool out. The hot summer hasn’t come back yet. I hope it doesn’t.

I still haven’t showered. I just don’t feel like it. I just want to sleep. I wanted to take down my recycles today because tomorrow they go out but I haven’t. Been three weeks that I have kept the bag full of stuff for recycle. I still have boxes that I need to breakdown for recycle, too. I started to do it yesterday but this fatigue I have been feeling has been awful. I do one thing and I get so tired. I know part of it is because of the spinal leak. I have surgery in eight days. I am so nervous. I had the pre screening call yesterday. It went okay. She said she will send me a message of the meds I am not to take the day of surgery and the night before. I haven’t received it yet.

I hyperextended my elbow last night and man does it hurt today. I can’t straighten my arm out without pain. I hate when I do that but it happens while I sleep so there is not much I can do about it. My ankle bone has been acting up the past hour or so. I hate when it flares up because it takes so much to quiet it down. But that is true for most of the CRPS pain. Once it flares it takes so much to quiet down and I hate it because it makes me feel so hopeless. My ankle seems to flare with the ankle bone and it is just torture. I just took my breakthrough med for it. I figure if I try to get ahead of the pain now, I might have a chance of sleeping before midnight.

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.

Sunday Blog 16082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 16082020

I took a shower and I am tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t sleep well. I kept waking up to use the bathroom. I wanted to go to the pharmacy but I got too lazy. Sox lost last night. I don’t have high hopes of them winning tonight either. They have no pitching and it is just pitiful.

I did the same thing today that I did yesterday, sleep late and do nothing. I am just so tired. I kept waking up early to use the bathroom and I didn’t really drink that much so I don’t get it. But as long as my kidneys are working that is important.

I feel depressed today. I have been in a down mood since I woke up. I don’t know why. I wrote my psych an email and I didn’t even finish it. I just sent it without closing remarks. I still am nervous about surgery. I will be in two weeks. I have the anesthesia call this week. I still haven’t heard from the lab about Covid testing. I hope to hear from them this week. My therapist is on vacation this week. I am glad. I can use the break. I probably will have another break from her after my surgery.

Back has been acting up with spasms all day. It is driving me crazy. I just took some Zanaflex to try and quiet them down. I have to start taking some Miralax soon as I haven’t had a decent bowel movement in a week. I started taking magnesium supplements tonight to try and help the bowels. I sometimes go when I take mag. I wanted to shave today but my back has been so messed up that I couldn’t stand long enough to. I hope the magnesium helps the spasms, too.

I have Hamilton running through my brain. Yesterday I listened to the musical again. It is becoming a Saturday tradition. I love it and I learn something new each time I hear it. The weather has been cool the past two days. To my surprise, the temps have been in the 60s which is beautiful. I still had to use the AC at times because my room was stuffy. I still need to go to the pharmacy. I hope tomorrow I will be up before 2pm so I can go. I also want to make coffee. I haven’t had it in a few days because I have been sleeping so late. I just don’t want to get out of bed. I got to talk to my cousin to see if he will take me to the grocery store. I need more Gatorade.

random thoughts 14082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 14082020

I’ve had a productive day as I have been up since 4 am. I woke up wicked thirsty and then couldn’t go back to sleep after I drank the Powerade. I’ve been thirsty pretty much all day for some reason. I finished reading the Bell Jar. The book was about suicide and it was pretty graphic at times about it. I am glad I finished another book. I am going to read Dan Rather’s “What Unites Us” next. I started it a little while ago but never went back to it.

After reading the book, I still wasn’t tired so I made an appointment with my barber to get my haircut. I still haven’t showered yet but I think I will as it has cooled off some. I shaved with my electric shaver so I don’t have to again with the razor. There are some spots that aren’t as close as I would like. I will get them tomorrow when I shave again. I want to use a different razor than the one I have been using.

I had therapy yesterday and made some progress in some things. I figured out that she cares about me and wants me to go back on my medication. She was very adamant about this. She said that once I was on a stable dose of my meds I stabilized and she doesn’t want me to destabilize now. The voices are ramping up but are not bothersome. She wants them to be squashed now before they get out of control in a few weeks time. So I told her I would get in touch with my psychopharm and get back on meds. I am taking just 3 mg of paliperidone again. I hope it works to keep the voices in check. I was taking 9 mg before. I just hope I don’t get side effects like I did before. I told the psychopharm I want the smallest dose possible rather than mid to high range dose. I don’t want to experience what I did a few weeks ago. It was awful and I don’t want to feel that way again.

I got cramps this evening and I don’t know why. They just started a few minutes ago. I hate feeling them because I don’t know if it is my uterus or bladder. I am starting to think of getting a hysterectomy so I will know if it is my bladder or not. But I am scared because that means another operation. I am going to talk to my pcp about it when I see him next.

My back has been spazzing all day. I have been taking muscle relaxers but they don’t seem to do anything like they used to. I hope the Ativan works better. I am so fricken tired all of a sudden. I guess my gas has finally run out. I will be going to bed soon and hope I can sleep. I am in pain but it is manageable right now. My foot and ankle are always hurting but lately they have been hurting more. Last night was terrible. I had to take gaba to help quiet things down. Hope I don’t have to take it tonight. But I might as the pain is getting weird. Just hope it doesn’t keep me up like last night.