Tag: disability

Down day and lots of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Down day and lots of pain

My right foot is giving me grief. I think I will be going back to PT as I think I sprained my ankle again but I need some kind of support so this doesn’t happen again. Sadly, I don’t have anymore money to buy an ankle supporter. I think I am going to get a laced up one, as long as it doesn’t rub against my arch, causing my heel to hurt. I noticed today that I am turning my foot so my heel doesn’t hurt, which is causing my ankle to hurt. Now that I am home, I can barely stand and my brain is hurting as to which one hurts more, my left or right. I had to use the walker again. My PCP wasn’t helpful. But I did get him to give me a referral for the brace clinic and see the brace guy that I have been seeing. I made an appointment with him for next week, which means another week of agony.

My mother needed bread and she was making some weird dish with broccoli so I wanted pizza. I literally walked around the block, in a square, so technically 4 blocks. I came home tired so took a nap in my underwear because I was too hot. I slept four hours and now my ankle hates me. My heel pain is hurting but no where near last night’s levels. It was completely torture last night. I got PTSD going on which meant I couldn’t lay down because I was scared that I was going to be in more pain. No amount of trying to soothe myself helped. I was so afraid to move my body to lay down and then move my ankle so I could sleep. It was torture and I was up most of the night. I drew a picture of where it hurt. I have no idea why. I made circles around where it hurt and then named them. The glob is the area where there are muscles, bones, tendons, and ligaments. The malleolus which is the ankle bone. Then a new area that was my new suicidal ankle pain spot. I drew a line where the familiar suicidal ankle pain was. That distracted me but didn’t help me to sleep.

I texted my therapist late last night telling him I couldn’t sleep. I sent the same message to my psychiatrist along with the picture. I was in horrific pain. All because I saw my fucking therapist! WTF!! I really wanted to down the bottle of gaba but I didn’t. No one was awake at that hour except a Twitter follower that basically said that I couldn’t have suicidal thoughts and I couldn’t die. Thanks, that helps me so damn much. Go back to your corner of the world. I know she was trying to be helpful but that is not being helpful! Denying someone their thoughts because of pain is not helpful. I got mad. I watch some youTube things about the buffoon in office. I am scared of what he is going to say tonight and I am so fucking mad at the national TV stations for giving in to this liar!!

Tomorrow will be my 98th day of transition. I am going to post pics (not here) but on my social media on day 100. I will be making a dirty gravy as my sister wants that for supper for my Mother’s birthday. I was going to use 3 cans of tomatoes but I think I am going to use 4. It goes so fast and she always takes a big chunk of what I make because she really likes it. Last time I made it, I think I had like 2 containers and that was it. I would like more because I really love this. It is one of my favorite things I make. Only trouble is, my mother has the cans of tomatoes in the back of her closet which takes some maneuvering to get the cans. Why she has to have them in the back, I don’t know. I might steal two cans of my sisters as they are in our hallway. HAHA. I did that last time I made the gravy because I didn’t want to fiddle my back to grab my mother’s cans.

I am feeling depressed because I am in so much pain, again. Two nights in a row is not fun. I hope it isn’t a nasty flare. I just won’t be able to handle it because I need to see my therapist tomorrow. I need therapy. I can’t just stop because I am in pain. I feel like I am pushing myself to try to lead a normal life even though I have chronic pain.

I shaved my head today and trimmed my goatee thing that seems to be the only facial hair that I have. I was expecting more but whatever. I guess it will come in time. I love the song Shallow by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. This is the first song I have ever bought with Lady Gaga. She has a wonderful voice. I don’t know why I am addicted to this song. Last night I downloaded different music apps because the one that I primarily used, Rocket Player, fucked up all my music so I had to go to something else. I was using Samsung music but got tired of it. Then I was using music but the fucking thing beeped every time it played a song and then would stop, even if the thing was on shuffle repeat. But now I am using Pi and it seems to be okay. I am charging my headphones so I can have them for tomorrow. They make good ear protectors from the cold, LOL. I just hope there is no precipitation or I will have to use earbuds. I know we are in a storm pattern and that is why my pain sucks right now but fuck. The barometric pressure dropped. Yesterday around this time it was 30.3. Now it is 29.69. Fun!!!!! Can’t wait to see what the pressure will be tomorrow.

Feeling grief over instability and the unknown

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling grief over instability and the unknown

It has been 12 years since I was on the mood stabilizer Trileptal. It has been one of the best drugs that I had been on. I was no longer having a roller coaster of emotions. It helped my psychache, to a degree. It helped the deep dark depressions that I had. Now I need to be switching to a new medication and face the unknown as to whether or not it will work for me. The Trileptal also helped with nerve pain. I don’t know if this new mood stabilizer will do that, too. I feel sad that this drug will be gone once I reach a dose my psychiatrist feels comfortable with. This all happened because my blood sodium levels dropped and I felt like shit. I was sleeping all the time. I couldn’t do things without having to take a nap afterwards. It was awful. I am used to feeling tired after doing something because chronic pain takes a lot out of you. You need recovery time after doctors appointments or doing the laundry or hanging out with friends or even just doing self-care like brushing your teeth and showering.

I am feeling sad that I am no longer on this medication. I am scared of what the new medication might bring. What side effects will I have? My psych said there is a risk of developing a rash like Tegretol. That was horrible! But that is the reason we start slow with this drug so it doesn’t happen. I hope it doesn’t happen because I don’t like hives. I am allergic to two medications for rash, both were tried for mood stability. I am already slightly hypomanic. I am trying my best not to spend my last few dollars to pay for my meds tomorrow. I kind of got into a spending mood when I got paid, which is kind of unusual for me as I just pay my bills and then might buy one or two things that are necessities. This time I was buying refills for pens and other stuff that I don’t even know what I bought. I bought my revised book so I could have copies of them. I still don’t now what to do with the other copies that are the 1st edition. I tried entering an author’s blurb again and could not fucking do it. GRRRR. I should have changed the layout but the hell with it. It is published and that is all that matters.

I shaved my head this morning and then showered. I used my Neutrogena shower gel that has a nice scent to it. I didn’t feel like using soap. But I think lifting my arm to wash aggravated the nerve I annoyed this morning so it is hurting me again. I hope it is gone by tomorrow. I might sleep on my left side tonight and hope my leg doesn’t wake me up. Sometimes when I sleep on that side, the pressure of my other leg on top of it hurts it and I wake up in pain. So I sleep primarily on my right side. If I am still in pain tomorrow, I will dust off the body pillow and use it to annoy me. HAHA no, I’m kidding. I will have a better sleep with it despite it taking up the bed. Oh well. I am going to sleep now, or trying to!

Weird few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Weird few days

Met with my psych today. I told her I think I’ve been hypomanic as I’ve been spending like crazy and have become really impulsive. I crash at night per usual or the next day. It would explain why my sleep cycle has been so off the past 2 weeks since lowering my dose of trileptal. So I am going to take another mood stabilizer, lamictal, and hope it does something. I have been having more flare ups which I feared might happen as before my 2nd CES, I was only on the trileptal. I was barely taking pain meds and nerve pain was controlled so I didn’t need gaba..that all went to hell when ces hit me again and my ankle became CRPS. But since the pain med change I was fine. Now that I have had to lower the trileptal. Omg holy hell. Flares hurt more. Like 7 days. They are getting harder to control. I am having to do whatever it takes to stop hurting. I know it will bite me in the ass but until the mood thing straightens out, I don’t think anything else will be helpful. I didn’t want to play too much with Gaba during the day because I could literally walk into walls or worse fall down stairs. I have to be careful at night with dosing and how much I drink because if I have to pee, well I am dozy. I’ve also become suicidal again. I haven’t told my therapist yet. But my psych gets it. I was in a bad flare and if I could move, I wouldn’t be here. Luckily, I am not planning again during times I am not in pain so that is good, least for now.

My insurance for mental health benefits suck. My therapist says it is the worst ones out there and he will be leaving the provider network sometime this year. So it will just be Medicare I will be billed. I had this whole idea just to use this insurance but now doesn’t look like it.

I am fucked because like I said I spent money I shouldn’t have. I have some cash but had to mail some stuff out so that has dwindled. I don’t know what the cost is going to be for lamictal or pain meds yet. It will be Monday. And I hope the starter pack is covered. I just have to watch out for rash. Great. I think I was on it before but the doctor was increasing it monthly and wanted me up to 300 mg. After 2 months I said fuck it. It would take 6 months to get up to 300 and I was on at 75 mg at 2 months. It didn’t help my pain at all, but then dose was so low. The most expensive meds are my psych meds. Monday I find out what my pain med is going to cost. Pharmacy can’t run it through until processing it. So dumb.

I see my pcp this month. I got to ask him what to do about this heel pain. I don’t know if it is plantar fasciitis or not. The stretches haven’t been helpful but I am going to try them using a belt. It is really inflamed and when I was using a gel insert I felt my foot turn causing the side where I have torn tendons to hurt. Needless to say, I am hurting. I came home and my mother was in the living room. We were talking and I turned around, nearly lost my balance. So now I am using the walker until things calm down. I am in my room and going to blog soon. Was supposed to go to my niece’s party but I can’t do stairs. Plus I don’t want to be around anyone as I am really irritable with the pain and hypomania. I don’t want a fight. Almost happened NYE as my know it all cousin tries telling me diabetes doesn’t run in our family. Her uncle and my mother, her aunt have it, my other uncle was diagnosed, though I think he has type 2 not 1 that my mother has and a lot of cousins with it. But it doesn’t run in our family. I had to walk away. She is so dumb and believes “drugs” causes schizophrenia as well as the naval service. So infuriates me. I feel bad for her brothers as one does have schizophrenia and the other bipolar disorder. No support at all. I’ve decided after NYE, I am done with them. The whole time I was surrounded by my cousins, I felt like an outsider. It was so toxic to be around them so washing my hands of them. My sister wants the nuts at her house, fine. I won’t attend. I don’t care. I had the worse flare NYE after cooking and partying. I was in agony because my foot was so swollen (also manic but whatever). I couldn’t move my big toe. It was so big. Just not worth the aggravation.

So that is what is going on. Hopefully I don’t have to change therapists because I don’t know if I can afford him once he is off the insurance. 20% is a lot when you are broke. I just have to uninstall Amazon lol fucking thing makes buying shit so easy. Lol

Blog of the day 2 Jan 19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Pain is gonzo, like totally out of control. Since lowering my mood stabilizer, pain flares have been increasing and harder to control. They also last longer. Had enough of this shit. Fuck. Now question is who the fuck do I tell and beg them to kill me or treat me? Not looking for more pain meds (though wouldn’t mind an increase) but mood needs to be controlled before I have to go back to hosp. Not sleeping, feeling depressed then wired so I am up 20 hours. If I sleep during the day it is my crash. Nerve pain right now is nuts. Bones are killing me, all of them in my ankle and foot. I am scared this is will be it. See psych on Friday and tell her I want to try one anticonvulsant again. Not ideal but shit something needs to be tried. The mood stabilizer I am on was the last of the last. I am fucked if I have to play trial and error again. But pain feeds mood and mood feeds pain so…hoping psych can be my gatekeeper (she is better at it than my chickenshit pcp).

Saw therapist today. Found out my private insurance mh benefits suck so will be staying on Medicare as he is planning on not being a provider of the private insurance. I will be billed $10 then when he leaves them, probably whatever the 20% Medicare doesn’t pay. I am glad this sort of worked out. I just got to change insurance with my psych since it is a new plan. Fun new year shit to go through. Lease my prescription coverage is the same for now. I goofed on the T. I could have had it refilled before the new year but because my sleep cycle has been awful. I never checked it or made note of it. If I made a mental note, haha it went out to pasture. I am glad I got a planner because I am writing it on paper. Helps to see it more. I use my phone calendar a lot but it connects to Big Brother so I rather have paper. I tried to see how much my pain meds would cost but the pharmacy won’t know unless they run it through. So got to wait till next week.

I wanted to write this earlier but brain was mush and pain was just starting to get ugly. I am so tired and hope I sleep tonight. Supposed to snow tomorrow. Just a coating so not bad. My mother wanted me to do an errand for her but it can wait till Friday when I am out again. Be easier for me.

I have been sending my BFF in Canada vids of me being a goof. She loves it. Then her hubby asks why she is laughing. Man it is gonna be weird seeing her in person one day. She loves my accent. I honestly didn’t think I had one. But I played what I recorded today and oh my god. Too funny. I’m glad I can laugh at myself.

Today is transition day 92. Voice is changing. Face is not as smooth as it was so maybe hair is coming (fingers crossed). I shaved my moustache a couple weeks ago and it is just coming in. Don’t know why the sides are thicker than the middle. Weird. I also noticed my sweat is smelly. Got to remember to wear deodorant. I don’t use it much because I am in the house but lately with stupid heat system, I am either too hot or cold. I woke up a couple times so hot I thought I was on fire. Hate winter. Think I got to open the window. Maybe that will even things out. I need a cold room to sleep. Here is a pic of two kittens. One is ginger and the other is black. The ginger has its paws around the black kitten’s head, like it is hugging. The black kitten face is like I know now let me go. Perfect depiction of my BFF and i. I love that pic. One day when we see each other we will make it. Haha