Tag: mental illness

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thursday’s thoughts 19112020

I haven’t been feeling good all day. I have had a headache and neck pain from tension. I have been sleepy but haven’t slept. I feel really depressed and that life is not worth living. I have been trying to work on the DBT skill that my therapist gave me yesterday but I haven’t done more than look at it and think about how to do it. I am supposed to write about it. I got my therapy notebook for that. The skill is called ACCEPTS and each letter stands for something you need to do. For example, A stands for activities so you need to do something to help your mood. One of the things it lists is counting things like colors in a photograph. Just mundane things to get your mind off things.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. He said he is sorry that my depression is severe but he has high hopes the Latuda will help me. Fucker doesn’t want to change the celexa until after I get an EKG and we meet next. So tomorrow I might go get the EKG done. I don’t meet with him until Dec so I have plenty of time to get it done.

Part of the reason I feel so down today is because my ankle flared up. Pain got around 12 and has been hard to control. Feels like someone is hammering my ankle bone. I have been in bed all afternoon trying to keep off it. I think doing things the past three days have worn me out. I posted on Facebook how I was feeling and people misunderstood my depression as this time of year thing. I get depressed year round so I don’t think it has to do with the darkness. I was told to find joy in something because there is always something to be joyful about. Yeah right. I can’t remember the last time I felt joy. It was probably months ago when I had my first surgery and I was feeling the effects of the anesthesia. I had a bowl of ice cream and felt joy while eating it. That was the last time I felt joy. Haven’t felt it since.

I can’t bear the pain in my ankle anymore today. It is so bad and I don’t know why. Temps are a little warmer than they were yesterday. I don’t know if there is supposed to be a storm coming or what. Think I read there were hurricanes across Central America. They could be on their way up here, which could be causing me pain. Right now it feels like I have barbed wire wrapped around my ankle. It is so damn sore. I took some melatonin so I can sleep. Think I will take some gabapentin for the barbed wire feeling. Can’t hurt. I will take a bunch so I can be stupid. Maybe it will help me sleep for longer periods. I just hope the melatonin doesn’t cause two hour sleep increments. I hate that. I can never sleep through for more than four hours lately. I am always waking up between 2 and 3 hours of sleep. No wonder I am tired all the time.

a gallon of milk

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A gallon of milk

We were out of milk today so I decided to go out to get it rather than have my nephew get it. I had to put some money on my T pass so I needed to go out anyway. The only sad part is that I couldn’t have Starbucks because they were renovating the store. I had to stop twice on the way and back to the grocery store because my back was cramping up on me. I came home tired but feeling accomplished. My mother was not happy that I bought the milk. She wanted my nephew to do it. I don’t understand why. My therapist when I told her said it was because I have been feeling tired lately and it was too much for me to do. I still felt good because I didn’t nap after the time out and I was tired but not exhausted like I had been in the past.

Therapy was difficult today. I told her of the feelings of suicidality I had last night. I wish I didn’t say anything because now I have a second appointment this week with her. She said I am withdrawing from sessions and she is worried about me. She is going to consult with my psychiatrist about what to do from here on in. She just feels she can’t be the only one helping me right now. I feel bad about this. I just want to run away from her. I might cancel the appointment for Wed. She wants to check in but I don’t want to. I had a hard time talking to her today and just know Wed is going to be just as hard.

I’m having a hard time with my gender identity right now. I want the things on my chest off. But in order for me to even see the surgeon, I have to be a certain BMI and lose like 25 lbs. I am slowly losing weight but it isn’t fast enough for me. I also have no idea if I will be able to keep the weight off but it is driving me crazy that I have this hinderance. If I was to have breast cancer I doubt they would impose this weight restriction for surgery. So stupid. I am so upset and I know part of the reason I am so suicidal right now is because of the things on my chest. It is bothering me so damn much.

I’ve been thinking about writing, in general and as therapy. I did a lot of that with my therapist of 16 years. I don’t do so much with my current therapist. Maybe that is what is missing that needs to happen. I don’t know how to implement it as I don’t see her face to face. I used to write in a notebook and bring it with me for our sessions. But now that we have teletherapy, I obviously can’t share what I write anymore. The few messages I have been able to write to her have not been responded to outside of therapy. I don’t think it will be worthwhile to send messages if they are going to be ignored until session. I feel like I should apologize to my therapist about today but I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t think. I just am feeling guilty about it.

going through the motions

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going through the motions

Today was my sister’s birthday. We celebrated and it annoyed me because I just wasn’t into the loudness of everything. My youngest sister was annoying me with trying to talk to my mother about getting my other sister’s kitchen table because it was bigger. The thing is a monster table and would be hard to get by in our kitchen. Plus my mother doesn’t want a rectangle table. She wants the one she has, a round one and that is that.

I picked up my meds from the pharmacy today. It was a good walk but my back cramped up and I had to rest a little while after getting my meds. I just sat in the chair until the spasms passed and then I went on my way. I still got winded by the time I got to my house. The hill up my street gets me every time. I again didn’t nap when I came home. I pushed through and even though I am tired now, I think I will sleep better. I woke up in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I fought it off as best I could but I couldn’t sleep until I emptied my bladder. Then I was up. I have been up since 0400. I did manage a couple of hours sleep at 0700 but for the most part I have been up. I just took my night meds so I hope to be asleep soon. I just hope I don’t wake up to use the bathroom again.

I had to take some gaba tonight because my foot is full of nerve pain. It feels like it is vibrating. I was tempted to take the bottle tonight. I didn’t want to harm myself but I just felt like fuck it. I still want to take more but I am resisting the urge. I am not sure I am going to bring this up when I talk with my therapist tomorrow. I might but I don’t know. I guess it all depends on if I want to talk about it. I get into these funks with her where I feel like I just can’t talk to her without her judging me. She doesn’t but I am fearful she will. She has this no bullshit attitude that makes it hard for me to talk sometimes. And when the bullshit detector goes off, the sarcasm follows. I will usually follow with some sarcasm on my own.

I feel rough and empty. I am struggling with so much and I can’t seem to know how to deal with it but I am just going through the motions. I feel hopeless when I am in this space. It is so hard to feel hopeful about anything. I try though. Even though I want to cancel my therapy appointment, I will keep it because maybe it won’t go down the way that I feel it will (poorly with no hope of things being better or feeling better after the appointment.) I got brain fog right now from the Latuda. I felt it last night around an hour after I took it and I am feeling it now. Ugh. It feels like someone is trying to grip my brain and hold it in place all the while stopping messages going through my head. I am glad I am taking this med at night rather than during the day. It would be a disaster to have this side effect then. My brain just feels frozen and in a fog. I sent a message to my psychiatrist to see if it is a temporary feeling. Just hope I can sleep.

Saturday Blog 14112020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 14112020

I took magnesium supplements yesterday and it helped my back. I didn’t take it today and my back acted up as I was making a sandwich for lunch. That was all I did, make a damn sandwich and coffee. I felt so depressed and wanted to cry but the tears won’t come. I feel disconnected from my feelings at times. Something to talk to my therapist about. Just hope I remember. I meeting her late Monday afternoon. I like that it is late in the afternoon but I feel like I am waiting all day to talk to her.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. I don’t know what the plan is or what time the party starts. It is just us. My sister wants a cheesecake so I think my other sister will get it for her. I like cheesecake. My mother doesn’t make cheesecake. I think it is the only dessert she doesn’t make. It is a lot of work. My sister makes a good cheesecake but it is her birthday so I don’t think she will make it for herself.

I am tired of being tired all the time. I feel like I could sleep for days and still wouldn’t feel rested. I was up in the middle of the night again. I just can’t sleep through the night anymore. I don’t know why this is. It is definitely frustrating. I went to bed at a later time too last night. I guess I am going to have to play with my night med time and time I go to bed. I should stay up till 10 and then try and sleep but I get so sleepy before then that it is hard to stay up. I don’t want to risk becoming overtired because then I won’t sleep at all and will fight through the fatigue.

I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my meds. I am almost out of them. I would have went today but the damn back spasms are bad. They are feeling better now that I took the magnesium but the pharmacy is close to closing so I will go tomorrow. It will do me good to get out of the house anyways. It has been a few days since I left the house. I think Tuesday was the last time I left to take a walk around the block. It was such a nice day that day. It is really cold today. I just got a wind advisory for my area. I hate the wind as it makes the house shake sometimes. I got to get my brother in law to take out the AC one of these days.

I need to clear off my bed so I can change my sheets. I just fixed the foam topper as it was falling off my bed again. I don’t know why the damn thing won’t stay put. I might have to turn it over or something. I really want to get a new one but the price hasn’t been right. I also need to wash my sheets so I have a new set to put on the bed. I have a new set I want to use. It’s still in the box. I will wash it tomorrow. It will give me something to do.