Tag: mental illness

A Cold Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A Cold Sunday

I woke up freezing. I had to shut off the ceiling fan as it was below 50 degrees out. I am still cold but I am under blanket and I just put on a long sleeved T-shirt. I am listening to Martina McBride’s Where would you be. I love the vocals in this song. She has such fantastic vocals. It amazes me.

I have been feeling down all day. I feel tired and sluggish. I haven’t eaten much and lost a few pounds. I think I am in a depression again. I just don’t feel like doing anything. My mood is so low. I just want to stay under the covers. I feel so useless.

Friday I had PT. It drained me. I still haven’t recovered from the exercises and fatigue. I hope it gets better with time. I am supposed to make more appointments with her as I have just one left. I will probably get a call tomorrow. I got to call the pain psychologist for an appointment, too. I will do that in the morning. I have therapy in the afternoon. I want to go to Starbucks. I think I earned a trip for a treat. I also need to put money on my Tpass. I got a lot of things to do this week. Weather is supposed to be in the 50s all week. I think it is almost time to take the AC out of the window.

I had coffee today but it didn’t keep me awake. I took a brief nap after I drank it. I was still tired after the nap. I have been struggling to stay awake. My back has been bothering me for most of the day which just wants to make me stay put. I don’t want to move too much because it hurts.

I got sort of suicidal the other night. I thought about ending it again. I don’t know what is keeping me from acting on my plan. I could take some of what I have to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I have been having such a difficult time sleeping lately. I keep waking up either from weird dreams or I have to pee. It is so frustrating because I try not to drink too much after I take my night time meds but I get thirsty and so I drink. Even if I use the bathroom before I go to sleep, I am still up around 4ish needing to go.

I got a pretty sunset of the Boston skyline that my friend took. I got it as my zoom background now. I have been saving pics for zoom. I have been bored with the ones that are given so I like that I can choose different ones.

hodgepodge of thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I sent a message to my therapist last night. I didn’t expect her to answer it but I wanted to send it so I have something to talk about on Monday when I see her. I told her a couple of reasons why the suicidal ideations were increasing. I just feel bad about myself because physically I am unable to do the things I used to do without exhaustion. I also feel bad because I have no control over my bowels like I used to. That is what is causing me to feel really horrible. I talked with my psychiatrist about it today. He was apologetic. We had a good conversation about things. He is a really nice guy. I like him. He seems very supportive. I told him one of the things my therapist was harping on was being on medication and he said that his job was to make sure I was in therapy. I told him how my therapist said she was the GPS and I had to drive the car. Trouble was I didn’t know if I wanted to be in the car or not but with the suicidal ideation increasing, I made an appointment with her.

I had a productive day. I made all the phone calls that I needed to today. I rescheduled my appointment with PT. Gynecology called me to make an appointment. This is for my hysterectomy. I can’t believe that after 44 years I am finally going to lose the useless uterus. I also called my long term disability insurance for their annual update. I hated talking to them because I feel like they are always judging me. I had some changes in providers that they didn’t know about so it was good that things got updated.

I took a shower and shaved. My back again was not cooperative. I had bad cramps and had to sit down several times. My back feels tight and hurts. I want to nap but it is too late in the afternoon. I need to be up early tomorrow. I have an early appointment with PT, my last appointment for the week. I just set my alarm for the morning. I hate waking up before 10 to leave the house and shit. I barely function at that time. I got to make sure I eat something and have coffee. I had a hard time sleeping last night so I hope I can get to bed early tonight.

I started a new book called City of Brass. It is good. I like it. I finished Untamed the other night. It was a very good book. I also started a book about the Cold War. I have to read at least 2 books a month in order to finish my challenge that I started this year. I think I can do it because I tend to read when Twitter bores me or I want to avoid the stupidity of politics. I’ve also find that I sleep better if I read before bed.

random thoughts 21102020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 21102020

I’ve had a day. I met with my surgeon and things are good. I told him about the bowel issues I have been having. He said to contact my pcp as it wasn’t neuro related. I was pleased to hear that. I contacted my pcp and we decided to decrease the magnesium and see if that helps.

After the appointment, I went to the grocery store as I was out of half and half. They didn’t have the big container like I usually have. They didn’t even have a quart of the kind I get so I bought an organic kind as my choices were limited. I bought some ketchup and a half gallon of juice. My bag was heavy. I just managed to get to the bus stop, huffing and puffing. I drank my iced tea that I bought. I had some time before the next bus would come. I was thankful as I needed to rest. I got a text from the pharmacy that my prescription was ready to be picked up so I went to pick it up instead of going home right away. This was not a good decision. I couldn’t walk up the street to my house. I had to call my brother in law to pick me up. I didn’t have to wait too long, thank god.

I came home and turned the AC on in my room. I was drenched from sweat as it was kind of warm today. My brother in law said he was making tacos so I changed into my PJs and a different T shirt that was dry. I was exhausted by the time I was finished with the tacos and going back up the flight of stairs to my room. My legs are killing me. I hate being so out of shape. I know when I see PT on Friday I am going to be as exhausted.

The suicidal ideation that had been flowing in and out the past few weeks have gotten worse. I texted my therapist that I think I should see her and she sent me a time for next week. We have a lot to talk about. I just hope she is willing to listen to what I have to say. I plan on writing down the stuff I want to talk about so I don’t forget. I have my notebook ready. It is the one I have dedicated to therapy.

I hope I sleep good tonight. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I wish I didn’t have the appointment. I just want a day of no appointments but that is not happening this week. I am just glad I don’t have to go out until Friday for PT. I am so exhausted and my ankle is starting to smart. My back is already hurting. I forgot to tell the surgeon about the cramping. I think I will sent him a message and see what he says.

therapy and stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Therapy and stuff

I had a difficult therapy session today. I got blocked and told my therapist this and things just fell apart. It was toward the end of session. We talked about what I wanted therapy to be like and her thoughts were that if I wanted to get better, I had to change and to go about wanting to change. If I wanted to just see her for venting that was fine but I wasn’t going to get better by doing that. I just wanted to fucking run so damn fucking bad. She said she was the GPS but I was driving the car. I had to get in the car. I guess right now I am unsure whether I want to be in the car. We didn’t set up a following appointment. I told her I would get back to her when I wanted to and she was okay with this. I think I am going to take a break from therapy for a bit to sort things out.

We talked about my grief and how sad I was at the loss of my uncle and the anniversary of my aunt’s passing. I still am grieving her loss. November is birthday month and now it is also remembering that my aunt passed away. She died on my godfather’s birthday. I miss them both.

I told my therapist that I had hit a block when I was writing about my grief the other day. She gave me a new angle to look at it but then I became blocked during session. She wanted me to talk about my feelings and I just couldn’t. I didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it I think. This whole virtual therapy feels so awkward. I still am not used to talking after all this time. I find it kind of distracting. I’m either staring at myself with glances at my therapist or watching my therapist glance at me while her eyes are down. I hate watching myself because I hate the way I look.

I managed to brush my teeth and wash my face today. I also made coffee. My mother made mac and cheese so I had some of that. I wanted a grilled cheese but I still haven’t managed to make it yet. I am too afraid of burning it. I just had pumpkin pie for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking.

Tomorrow I have the pain psychologist meeting. I hope she can help me cope with my pain. I haven’t been doing so good with it lately and pain has been out of control some days. Last night I had to put on some diclofenac gel in order to quiet down the pain. It helped to bring it down some so I could sleep. I am not in too much pain today. I’ve been having to take gaba nearly every day for the past week. My appetite has been through the roof but I have been controlling it. It has been hard but possible.