Tag: mental illness

PT is exhausting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT is exhausting

I went to PT today and it wore me out. I started having symptoms of CSF leak and that kind of got my PT worried. She made sure that I was ok before I left and gave me two bottles of water to drink so I was hydrated. I had only drunk coffee, nothing else so I probably was a little dehydrated. I was so fatigued. I can’t even describe it. I came home and made lunch. Then I laid down. I took a nap until my med alarm went off for my 4 pm meds. I took them and went back to sleep afterwards only to wake up again to my night med alarm. I am really wiped out. I didn’t too much today but apparently, I did enough. I am supposed to go up to 400 steps a day. I will do that tomorrow.

I really haven’t done much since coming home. I made a sandwich for dinner. Someone has been eating my hamburger rolls so I need to get some more. I have been using them for my sandwiches. It is a good bread. I like it a lot. I might get some more if my bro in law goes this weekend.

I did something to my right arm. It fell asleep and it still hasn’t woken up properly. I can’t make curls as it hurt and I can’t bring my arm towards me without pain. I don’t know what I did. I hope it gets better. I would be sleeping or laying down but I had to take some Miralax. I don’t want to lay down after drinking that stuff as it could come up on me. I have had it before and it doesn’t taste good coming back up. I hate reflux. Been dealing with gas pains the past two days. It has been awful. I don’t know why I have gas so bad. It could be because I am constipated. It has been more than three days since I last went. I hate being constipated. Just another fucking thing to keep track of. I have been having a hard time keeping track of when I void. I know it had been a while because I slept and when I woke up I didn’t pee. Then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up again, I didn’t pee. I forced myself to go pee and luckily I went. I am not sure if I emptied completely but I don’t care. As long as I went I am good. I am nervous about the urodynamic testing. They will test me and I hope I can pee but sometimes my bladder is stubborn and won’t go. It also gets shy so I hope I can go and prove that there has been improvement since the surgery. I was expecting to hear from the secretary today but I didn’t hear from her. I will try and call her tomorrow. Hope that I will get through without waiting for 10 mins like last time. The wait is so long.

I read one chapter of my book. It was all I could read today. I got too anxious to read anymore. I hate when that happens. I could have read half a chapter. But with me feeling woozy, I didn’t feel like it. I will read more tomorrow.

tough past few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tough past few days

The past few days have been tough. Monday I had physical therapy and the exercises wore me out. I had to take a nap after the session. Yesterday I went food shopping and that wore me out. I hate feeling so tired after doing something. I did my exercises but I couldn’t do one of them with my left ankle/foot. It was just too weak to complete the tasks. I haven’t done the exercises yet for today. I plan on doing them when I am in the kitchen. It is easier doing them there than in my bedroom. Monday I need to do the PT via zoom because I have a webinar to attend and the times conflict with going. I am looking forward to this webinar as it is about psychotherapy integration. It is free which is the best part!

Yesterday I had therapy and it went well. We talked about what I wrote and she is willing to listen to whatever I want to talk about even if it is about my medical stuff. I am glad she doesn’t want to end things with me. She wants me to come up with some things to work on. My mind is blank. I have no idea what I want to work on. I wrote some stuff down. It was only two things I could think of but it is a start. I think working on interrupting the thoughts ->plan->action when I get suicidal would be good to disrupt. Just hope it will be good enough to talk about. I hate being put on the spot trying to come up with this stuff. But as long as I have something it is better than nothing.

I am freaking out because the Ride called and they are picking me up an hour early so I am planning on taking my book with me. It will be uncomfortable to sit for an hour and then have my session with my PT but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it. I can call in the morning and see if they can pick me up later. I am getting up early just so I can shower. I just hope it won’t be humid in the morning. I hate humidity. I got so overwhelmed I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I just was so unraveled about being an hour early. I don’t function in the morning so this is going to be interesting. If I have at least one cup of coffee I will be good. If I don’t have any coffee, that will be bad. I can go to the store though. There is a coffee shop up the street. I can get donuts there! Yes, I will be early and get donuts. And read my book!

feeling sad about so many things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling sad about many things

I went to the BBQ my sister was having. My niece had a few friends over and the neighbors next store came over with their award winning macaroni and cheese. OMG this mac and cheese is so outstanding! I was talking with my neighbor about things and then my med alarm went off saying I had to take my 4pm med. I said I had to take a pill and I will be back but I went upstairs and couldn’t catch my breath. I was so winded. I became depressed because I hate that I am so deconditioned. I even went slow on the stairs but it didn’t matter. My heart rate went berserk. I had to rest. I had to charge my phone as well so it was just as well that I stay in my room.

I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack. I finally got past the first part where there was rap. I can’t stand rap. It didn’t seem to bother me so much today. I really like this musical. I am debating on signing up to Disney Plus so I can watch the movie. I am not a huge movie person so I seriously have to decide to sign up for it. Hulu was giving a package deal of $12.99 for that stream, ESPN+, and some other stream provider. I might sign up for it just to watch some sports. The soundtrack has come to the end and I am in awe! This was such a great musical to hear. I nearly cried when Hamilton’s son died. Then he dies close to where his son did. Such a great story.

I have felt so down about not having energy like I used to have. I feel so weak and I can’t stand it anymore. I feel like a slug. I can only move slowly and if I try to move at “normal” speed I get more fatigued than anything. I know I will regain my strength one day but it isn’t coming any time soon and that bothers me. I should be more compassionate towards myself but I find it hard to be that way. I just feel so useless. I can’t even shower without feeling the need to sit down several times to rest my back. It is driving me mad.

I don’t know if I will come out of this depression that I am in. Seems like it isn’t worth it. I keep coming back to this and it is getting so tiring. I am not sure what gets me into these funks but I am 100% certain they are the same thing just hitting me at different points in time. Sometimes I have physical symptoms and other times I will just have the mental anguish. I am having the mental anguish now. I don’t think life is worth living. I think I will be better off dead. I don’t see the point in living but I keep going just because I just can’t stop. I surrender to the thoughts but don’t act on them. I never act on them and my therapist wonders why I don’t. I wish I knew the answer. I might just be afraid of dying or failing to kill myself. It is one of these two and I am not sure which one it is.

a bad day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A bad day of pain

I had a bad day of pain today. Ankle has been in a flare the past four days. Nothing was calming it down so I thought putting on a compression sock might help. It caused my high ankle to be bothered by the elastic at the top of the sock. I had to take it off. I could only take so much pain. My back was bothering me from sitting too long after my appointment with my psychopharm. It was good talking with her. I really missed her. She is back from having surgery two weeks ago. She faired better than me in that regard. I don’t think I would be back to work so quick.

We talked about my therapist and she asked if I wanted another therapist. I said I will discuss it with my therapist when I see her next. I don’t want to say yes and then we are able to work things out. I don’t have luck with therapists. They usually last a year with me if I am lucky, two years. More than that is a bonus but not expected. I really like this therapist but I am having trouble talking with her because of my fear of her laughing at me. I often feel intimidated by her and close up. I don’t even shoot the shit with her anymore because she becomes so rigid. It is hard to talk with someone when they have these expectations that you should talk about stuff. I get that is what therapy is about but I am literally not talking at all in sessions. I talk a little bit in the beginning but then I close down and it is so damn hard to open up. I also think because I have yet to attach a song to our work, it is hard for me to feel connected to what I am doing in therapy. Music lyrics always helps connecting me to therapy for some reason. I had quite a few songs with my therapist of 16 years. I would make her CDs to play. I was invested in the time with her. But my current therapist, I don’t feel like she gives a shit if I stay or go and that is hard for me to handle because if she isn’t in there with me, then I feel like I don’t have to say anything. She is noticing that I am not talking more. I can’t help but feel like this relationship is heading out the door. I will be sad to see her go because I know she is a good therapist, maybe she is just too good for me.

I just wrote her a letter. I told her my frustrations and more of what I just talked about. I think better when I am writing things out and I got a lot out in the message. I hate that I can’t talk to her in person. I think that is part of the problem but I don’t think it is going to change. I wish there was a room I could go to to have the conversation rather than for me to stay in my room. I think that is the other thing. I am trapped in my room with no way out so of course it is hard for me to talk. But the other problem is I feel she isn’t receptive to what I am going to say or is going to laugh at me for speaking about something. I am going through a lot medically and I haven’t been able to voice it to anyone but my friend in Canada. She is the only person in the world that gets what I am saying about my bladder and bowels and what have you. She also cares a lot about me and that is the thing with this therapist. I feel like she doesn’t care, like she can do without me and maybe she wants to get rid of me. I don’t know but I had to ask it. I know part of it is my whole nervous system being shocked with surgery on top of a CSF leak that is making me feel so drained that mentally I just am not there. I drift off and stay that way. I get like that while I am in session with my therapist and it is so frustrating because I just cannot think of anything to say. Nothing comes to mind. NOTHING!! It is like someone wiped my brain of all thoughts. My psych thinks it more neurologically than psychological. I am still recovering from surgery even though it has been 3 months but I haven’t really done anything in that time. I haven’t gone to Starbucks or any place else other than the pharmacy and maybe a grocery store. I haven’t gone for walks or even used the T to get around much because I have been feeling like such crap. But resting hasn’t been helpful for me. I do rest when I need it as when I went to the pharmacy to get the antibiotics I took a nap after. I had to I was so wiped out. I just conked right out.

I start PT tomorrow and I am kind of scared. I am scared it is going to hurt and cause me real exhaustion. In my current state, I don’t think a rigid regimen will work for me because I am just too weak. I am not strong enough for something rigorous. It is going to be a slow going and I have a good physical therapist that I like working with. She makes the difference in wanting me to get better. I haven’t seen her since last year when I was working on my right ankle to build it up. I am sure I am weak in my legs for lack of movement. I hope that I can build some strength up so that showering isn’t so damn tough. If I can shower without sitting down more than twice, I will consider that an improvement. I also want to be able to go upstairs without being so damn short of breath and my heart rate going bananas.