Tag: mental illness
midnight ponderings
Midnight ponderings
Tuesday night was very difficult for me. I was in a lot of pain and processing stuff that went on in my appointment with the urologist. I was feeling pretty depressed that self-cath is now present in my life and will continue to be for some time. Then I got into an argument with my family that night and my mood went from sour to suicidal quick. I planned on taking my life after I saw my therapist today. I brought the stuff with me as well as getting some stuff ready in case it didn’t work and I was put in the hospital. I packed a light bag and left for the bus stop.
I am not a morning person. I just remember traveling on the bus and then picking up my coffee with a little time to kill before I had to board the train to get to the therapist’s office. I was not all present while meeting with the therapist. I kept zoning out, partly because I was so suicidal. She asked me if I was going to act on it and I must have indicated that I was. Then she asked, twice, if I had ginger on me. Things at that point became fuzzy. I know I went into my bag to get the ginger to give it to her and then everything else was sort of a blur. She said that I would have to be evaluated and be inpatient. She had to call security to take me to the ED as she didn’t think she could trust me. We talked about baseball while we waited. I have no idea why I told her I was going to end my life and that I had the stuff with me to do it. I honestly am so fucking mad at myself for doing something so stupid.
The ED didn’t think I had enough intent to be inpatient so they offered partial hospital which I am supposed to start in six hours. Guess what, it isn’t going to happen. I would have to leave my hour in about four hours to get to where I needed to be. I honestly have no idea how to get there by T. I am just going to skip the appointment and hope that police don’t show up at my door. Therapist will be mad but I don’t care. I left the ED after five hours. I hope to god it is my last visit there this year. I hate the ED.
Soon after I left, my psych emailed me asking if I was ok. I thought that was odd. I answered it right away without thinking. I never got a response. I just sent her an email a couple of hours ago telling her I have another bladder infection and this time I am not taking the antibiotics. I am already feeling crappy physically. I know it is only going to get worse. My blood count is up from the last time I had my CBC drawn. It is only going to be a matter of time before the infection hits my blood stream. I am banking on this and it causes me to die.
The NP psychopharm I see foolishly put that I have borderline personality disorder as my “issue”. I don’t meet the criteria so I have no idea what she is basing this on. If she is basing it on past history, I still have no idea how that is relevant today! Just pisses me off because once those things are there, they cannot be removed. Just like the “female to male transgender person” “issue”. I don’t have an issue being FTM and I honestly still have no idea why the fuck the computer system would put that on. It just makes me so damn mad.
When I came home, my ankle exploded. It kind of went off a little bit while in the ED but soon as my foot was resting, it exploded and I have been in pain since. I have tried different meds and now it is just a waiting game as to when exhaustion will hit and I will collapse. I took the “substitute” anxiety pill so I will be knocked out the next few days, just on one fucking pill. I take this med sparingly because I don’t like it at all. I meant to tell her today about it but I forgot. The NP came by the ED to talk to me. She thinks I am seeing her next week but it is the week after. I can’t see her next week and I sure as hell am not seeing the therapist. I am mad as hell at her for wasting my time in the ED.
I need to shower sometime later today. I sweat so much yesterday it wasn’t funny. I was drenched. It was fairly warm and I was over dressed. My hair feels so yucky and the NP that told me I had a bladder infection wants me to take a shower after every bowel movement. In a perfect world, that might be doable but for someone with chronic pain, it is very exhausting. I haven’t showered since the weekend, so almost a week now. I just can’t motivate myself enough to do it. The therapist changed my diagnosis to recurrent major depression with psychotic features. I was thinking it was treatment resistant depression. The psych NP has persistent depressive disorder, which I didn’t even know existed. Either case, I am depressed. I am not bipolar anymore or maybe I never was.
Over the weekend, I sent my psych a pic of me smirking because I felt “devilish”. I told her I had met my aunt and said how she was doing as she is not going to be around much longer. She stopped eating two weeks ago so her time here is coming to an end. I am sad about this. I also gave a description about how my care has been going in her (my psych’s) absence. My psych responded that I wrote elegant and eloquent. And this is why I miss her so much. She values my writing where the other two women in my team do not. They don’t even see my writing as a tool to help me get better. And you know why they don’t know of this? Because they don’t ask! Maybe I did tell them I am a blogger but they don’t want me to do solitary things. Writing is solitary; you can’t get it done otherwise. But it is meant to be shared. And that is what brings me joy, or used to anyways. I am fighting the urge not to write as I am typing this because I think my words have no meaning anymore. A few of my readers have “fact checked” that for me and it is false. I have to try and keep this voice going as much as it is paining me right now because if I don’t, I fear I will lose myself in a way that I am not sure I can ever come back from. I have comeback from so many things. I am not sure I can come back if I get away from my writing. It is so very important to me even if I story tell about my day and how it went down. I think it is boring but maybe someone else finds it interesting. I don’t know. I want to thank YOU my readers for not allowing me to stop my writing. I now right now it is infrequent but I am working on changing that Because of YOU. You mean a lot to me because without you, there would be no blog. So thank you. I hope you are sleeping as it is almost 0300 EST. Take care until we meet again.
staying the course
Staying the course
I realized this past week how grateful I am that I had a doc that listened and cared who also didn’t treat every symptom I have with meds. I am not sure where this “team” and I are going. Seems everyone wants to be captain and not a 1st officer. I know the waters are wicked stormy and all I want is to go down with the ship. Trying to stay the course but it has been hard as I just haven’t been able to have much say in my care. Been able to decline med changes so far. Therapy is a bit harder. Just doesn’t seem we are all on the same page yet. I am not sure we all will be on the same page if there isn’t some agreement on who exactly is in charge. I thought it was me but it doesn’t feel like I am and that is a problem. This therapist is trying to pull her weight in my care and it is knocking me over. I am already exhausted from trying to keep the ship above the water and seems soon as I got it going on course some storms knocks me off my bearings. She hasn’t been much help to steer the vessel while I am struggling for control. I feel like she wants to be on the bridge but just to look around.
These thoughts and pain are what is keeping me up tonight. I also have been thinking of writing and how with my psych being gone, no one is going to ask about it anymore. I think the “team” will think it is too isolating to write a blog or a book or something.
I have been thinking about my writing because I haven’t done much of it the past few months. I sort of let it slip through my hand and haven’t been able to really get back to it. A blog reader reached out to me. She told me that it helps her to get out of bed to check the computer to see if I posted. That day, two other people said they were glad I was still around. All three of these people, though they didn’t know one another, have never met nor were on all the same platforms were telling me to try and hang on when right now I don’t feel much like doing so. They understand why I don’t want to and in their own minds have sort of understood that I am free to make that choice should I take it.
Other night, I was having a really bad day of pain. Actually, I have been in the same kind of pain since Thursday around noon with my ankle all flared up. I wanted to end things Thursday. I couldn’t walk so figured I would do it Friday. Friday I was still in pain and texted the therapist that I was going to order more ginger. She thought my niece got rid of the stash I have. I have a serious allergy to ginger as I found out a few months ago. The therapist didn’t say anything about the pain but did say that if I ordered the ginger, it would tell her that I wasn’t safe. I held off on telling her anymore. Last night I found out some bad news about a family member and was so heartbroken about it. I still am. I wanted to end things right then but I didn’t want it to be in my home. I figured one piece of the gummies wouldn’t be too much. I had Benadryl and an epipen if things got bad. I also had a fortified histamine blocker if I needed it. The gummy caused a reaction but it wasn’t severe. It was moderate as my voice is a bit shaky. I realized by my experiment that a handful would probably be enough like I thought it would be. Now I got to wait for a fucking dry day to come around as it is going to rain all fucking week to put my plan into motion. I am biding my time for now. It is all I can do. I am not sure I am going to make it through the next few weeks. I am going to try and write more to see if that helps tame these demons like they have been in the past. Writing about them hasn’t always been so damn easy though. MK, hope you can check your laptop a little more frequently as I try to tame things in my head through writing.
memories are made of this
Memories are made of this
I had therapy today. I asked her if meeting twice a week was just a one time thing this week or if this was how it will be going forward. She said we can talk about it if I felt I needed twice a week. I said I would think about it. I tried to get out of Wed meeting and though she had no objection to me canceling, I said I would keep the appointment. Some memories surfaced over the weekend because it is anniversary time. Around this time 16 years ago, I was raped by the girlfriend I was seeing at the time. It happened three times over the course of a couple months but started the end of Oct. I never really talked about it because I had other fish to fry and I didn’t think it was important. I felt like I would be blamed for letting it happen. The therapist has had other patients who have been raped so I am not the first. I just feel like I should have stopped it and not let it continue. The whole relationship was bad. I haven’t been with anyone since.
I started having a hard time dealing with the memories and feelings. I wanted to self-harm because other stuff happened too to stir up emotions to the point of them being overwhelming. I started to dissociate a bit and wanted to self-harm. I texted the therapist about seeing if talking to a hotline even though I wasn’t in crisis would be helpful and she gave me a rape one. It wasn’t helpful. I am still feeling a little dissociative. I don’t or rather can’t say that I won’t end up doing something. I don’t have sharp things by the bed and I guess it is good that my foot is flared up so I won’t get up trying to find something. I am so exhausted. I never thought someone that I loved could hurt me this way. The thing that bothers me is that this person told me she was raped and you would think they would be more mindful about doing it to someone else because they wouldn’t want someone else to go through that. I was wrong. She just didn’t care and she took out her anger on me in various ways. She was really trying to control me towards the end before I put a stop to the intimacy. Then she started seeing someone else, basically cheating on me and her husband. She was truly a piece of work. She tried to get back together with me but I didn’t fall for it. She is too manipulating and of course she got mad when I said no.
The therapist said we would work on stuff to deal with the memories next session, which will be Wed, if I don’t cancel. I am feeling really hopeless about anything helping me right now and I am trying to give her a chance before totally giving up. Though the way I feel now, it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change and I might as well just give up. Still on the fence on this idea.
midnightdemons7 
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