Tag: mental illness

one that got away

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

One that got away

I’ve been in a writing mood today. I seem to be writing in the late evening as I have a lot on my mind. The therapist responded to the texts I sent her. She said things are always going to be tough (no shit!) and maybe talk about additional “treatment factors”, whatever those are. I guess I will find out Thursday. She did say that she is open to whatever I bring in so that is good. I am glad she isn’t rigid in what she practices like past therapists. But then the one I saw for 16 years was and then she ended on me. I blame myself for it and the stupid CM went along with it all because I asked her if we should end.

I didn’t do anything today. I wasn’t feeling up to doing anything today. I crossed my room to get something in the hallway and my ankle acted up. There was a ten degree change in temperature so I am guessing that is why it is still hurting me. It got cold so I have a thermal sock on it right now. I missed having them while in the hospital because my feet got cold on more than one occasion and I needed a hot pack to warm it up. There were a few days, around the same time, where I felt like there was cold water on my foot. I kept feeling my foot to see if it was wet but it was dry. Then it would become really cold. It always happened around shift change, which annoyed me because there were no nurses to give you a hot pack. I am not sure staff could but it was just ridiculous!

I charged up the study watch but now I am having trouble with the app. It logged me out when it updated and I can’t seem to sign back in. I put in a message to the tech people but I haven’t heard back from them yet. They gave me a new login password but it still doesn’t work. I don’t know. I will just have to wait. I didn’t tell them about not wearing it the past three weeks.

I was scrolling through Twitter, like I always do, when I came across the nowmattersnow.org tweet about how going to the website reduces suicidal thoughts. I thought I would give it a try. Instead of helping, it made me feel worse because the pain they are talking about, is psychological not physical. I may have intense emotions that are causing me to feel the way I do because of my physical pain but it is a situation thing. One of the videos said that suicidal thoughts were actually an okay thing because it makes sense as it is a relief from the intense emotions. Unfortunately, I gone from suicidal thoughts to actions. I plan on acting on my thoughts when the pain is less or within a few days of having intense physical pain. The pain I am feeling right now is not excruciating enough to think about suicide but it is lingering. Pain just changed because I moved my big toe. Hurts so much that I had to take a breakthrough med. UGH. I cannot be free from high pain, ever. I find this hopeless to think things will get better because with pain, nothing ever gets better.

I am really tired so I will sign off here. I am not sure I will be here the end of the week. All I can focus on right now is right now. I hope that is enough.

hopeless and depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hopeless and depressed

Since last night, I have been in a very down mood. I have been avoided using the word “depressed” to describe it because the people at the hospital told me I was making myself hopeless and depressed. I sent an email to my psych about it and have not heard back. I don’t think I will so it is just making me further believe that I am making myself hopeless and depressed. The chaplin I saw asked me where I picture myself five years from now. I said I don’t. I don’t see a future at all and I guess that pissed her off because the next thing I know, she is telling me I am making myself hopeless. The case manager said I was throwing a pity party for myself. I am just fed up with these so called mental health professionals. I don’t even want to see the therapist on Thursday. I really don’t see the damn point.

I’ve been resting most of the afternoon. Other than the burrito and a half sandwich of asparagus and eggs, I haven’t eaten much. I bought a pair of jeans. I got them a size smaller and they are tight because they aren’t “relaxed”. I am not worried as I know I will lose weight soon enough. And if I don’t, the pants will just go to good will. I am tired of fighting things. I feel so damn depressed right now and I don’t even know why. I wasn’t in a great mood all day but pain has hit and my big toe is swollen again, causing a pin being stuck in it feeling. I tried cleaning out the bed, thinking there was dead skin or lint there and came up empty. I also filed the nail so it is rounded and not straight. It didn’t work as well as I hoped it would. My foot feels like it is going to cramp any second. I would take a melatonin to knock me out but I don’t even think that would help. Pretty soon the ankle will start hurting. I am getting little twinges. I am not sure taking a pain med now would be okay. It might be as by the time it kicks in, it might stop the pain from getting worse. But sometimes that doesn’t work either. I might take some gaba to try and see if that will help.

I want to send a text message to the therapist telling her I am not doing well but I don’t think it would be wise. I am not sure she would respond until tomorrow and I am already sending her 2 scheduled texts about how I want to handle my suicidality. But I don’t know if I want to handle it. Maybe I will try not to keep myself away from me. I thought of sending her my blog “used to” but I don’t think it is necessary. I don’t want her to get a million texts from me all at once.

I know part of me is depressed is because I have had to go back to wearing diapers again. The bladder cramps have been causing leaking. Every time I go to the bathroom, I notice my underwear is wet. I gave in to taking Pyridium as I couldn’t take the pain and cramps anymore. Three days is enough. I sent the uro a message telling her of what I did and that I am hoping correctly that it is just readjusting to the medicine again. If I am wrong, I hope she will tell me. I also hope she doesn’t want a urine sample as the Pyridium can alter tests, making them falsely positive or negative. I just hate that this is an unwanted thing because my bladder is not functioning properly. I still don’t know if it is a worsening of my back issues or the back issues caused it. Kind of like what is going on in my CRPS foot/ankle. I don’t know if the CES made it more susceptible to CRPS or if the spasms caused it when they sprained my ankle. I may never know. But regardless, what is done, is done. I can’t change it. Which just makes me depressed.

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

Finally had the new pumpkin cream cold brew coffee. It is meh. Tastes a bit watered down with pumpkin cream. I ordered a venti and I doubt I am going to drink all of it. Wish the coffee part was stronger. It is my first coffee since coming home from the hospital. I tried having a cold brew at home but the half and half was spoiled so had curled cream at the top. Gross.

I shaved before leaving the house and when I did, I forgot my headphones because I am using a different bag. I brought my laptop to Starbucks to write and maybe be creative. So far nothing is really coming to me so I might just surf the web and social media.

Last night pain had hit and I was again suicidal, though not to the degree I have been in the last few months. So I started thinking of what to talk about with the therapist. I am going to bring a few things about suicide safety planning as well as the paper I wrote about how she can help me. It is three pages plus the Crisis Response Plan. I also thumbed through the 2nd edition of CAMS and found a new page in the initial form. It is called CAMS stabilization plan. I think I will print off that sheet only and if the therapist is interested in the SSF, I will bring it the next session. I might ask her to meet twice a week but I don’t know if that is doable. If it is, I just want it to be a few weeks as I have just been discharged from the hospital. I sent her a couple of scheduled texts that discuss this and I hope she is open to it. I sent her the link to the Stanley/Brown safety plan site. I hope she can go to it and see what I am talking about. There is no plan that I have found yet that has clinician and client sign in an agreement. If she isn’t open to this, I probably won’t bring up my suicidality to her. I just feel like it wouldn’t be worth it if she isn’t open to my ideas on what could help me. Sure I can do it on my own but that hasn’t been working out. Hell, if I could fix myself I would! This needs to be a collaborative effort. I can’t tolerate any less than that.

I have no idea how the psychopharm is going to take my hospitalization. I am going to tell him I want off the Lamictal. I really don’t think it is helping me. We can get off it and if need be, go back on it should the hypomanic stuff comes back, which I don’t think is likely. It is something to monitor though. I will take the odd day that I feel euphoric though. I just hope he is open to me coming off and not going on another mood stabilizer. I have thought about going on Depakote but I really don’t want to go through the blood draws. That was one of the reasons why Lithium sucked so bad, other than the side effects.

Since last night, I have been having severe bladder cramps. I know it is because I am switching alpha blockers again. I had to take another one while in the hospital because the one that my uro prescribed was not in their formulary. I have had increased leakage and less voiding. I haven’t been drinking regularly either so that doesn’t help the bladder issues. If I am full, I am not getting the sensation. I am just in so much fucking pain. I am tempted to send a message to my uro to see what can be done about it until the medicine is back in my system. I took Ativan while in the hospital to quiet the cramps and I could do that now that I am out. I have free rein on my meds so I can take them as I damn well please rather than have a doctor order for when I need it. I just took my night meds which has an Ativan along with my pain meds. I hope that this helps the cramps and pain. I am so sick of hurting. My ankle pain has just decided to kick itself up. I hope this isn’t a long night of pain like last night. I didn’t go to sleep till almost 3 am. I think I read a chapter of Harry Potter and then went to sleep as I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I am reading the 6th book, the Half-Blood Prince. I like and hate this book because we learn about Horcruxes and sucks because Dumbledore dies. I forget who runs the school in the 7th book, but then, Harry wasn’t attending due to chasing down Horcruxes. The 7th is my favorite even though a lot of characters died. I don’t know how JK Rowling could create these beautiful characters and then kill them off. I am sure it affected her, too. I am not sure I could ever create characters and kill them off just to tell a story. But that is just me.

it’s 2 am and I am still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am and I am still up

Pain hit me bad around 2115 or so. My foot has been feeling like it is being crushed all day and still continues to feel this way despite my breakthrough med. But around 215, I started having severe suicidal ankle pain. This caused me so much fucking aggravation. Like the last nerve had been hit. I spoke the other day how I have all the ducks in a row and now they will call come together. I am sick of being and will be taking efforts soon to not be. It won’t be this week but sometime this month.

I am supposed to go to physical therapy in twelve hours. I am going to cancel the appointment mostly because my voice still isn’t there and I don’t want to be talking for 45 mins just for my throat to be sore the rest of the day. I will see if my voice is better next week and then have the eval then.

I sent a message to my psych to see when she wanted to talk, if she wanted to talk. I never got a response so I guess we aren’t talking. No big deal. I can try to talk to her on Tuesday. I sent her a thing she wanted me to write to try and get the therapist up to date on my suicidality. She hasn’t said anything about it so I guess it is ok. I wrote about the background and then how things are now. I also wrote about how I want her to be accountable to things we discuss and have them followed up the following week. I am tired of therapists not following through or continuing what was said the previous week. I have not printed this out. I don’t even want to see the therapist because I am afraid of what will happen. I told her some stuff about how I want to proceed in therapy from now on until the suicidality is somewhat under control. I am not sure how she will take this so I am nervous. I went through this with my long term therapist and things didn’t go well. She didn’t want to carry through on things and that frustrated me more than anything.

One of the things I talked about was the SSF (suicide status form). It is part of the Collaborating, Assessment, and Managing of Suicide (CAMS) framework. It is used to assess suicidality to get a better picture of what the episode it like for the patient. It is individualized for that patient and it really helps the clinician know where the problems or situations are that are leading to this person thinking about suicide. I have made copies of the forms from the 1st edition of the book but have not done so for the 2nd edition. The 2nd edition has the changes of a few things and on the current DSM (diagnostical system of mental disorders). The last message I had with the creator was a month or so ago and he was looking into an electronic form so that it could be easier sent to the medical record. The wonderful thing about the SSF is that it has all the documentation needed in just a few pages for the patient’s record. Right now that is just paper but eventually it will be electronic. I am not sure how that will go or if there will be a 3rd version of the book to reflect this or what. But it is in the works and last I heard would be ready sometime this year.

I don’t know if she would be interested in something she has not seen or heard of. The bottom line is that CBT and DBT (both of which she does) are also evidence based treatments for suicidality. I am not sure if this is true for chronic suicidality but I don’t think that has been studied.

1203 pm: I canceled my PT appointment. I didn’t sleep until after 0500 and with my voice being terrible, I really didn’t want to talk. Now I have the whole day to myself. It is nice out. I have one business I need to take care of before I go. I got to close my IRA account as I haven’t put any money in for years and because it is below the minimum amount, I have been charged every year, dwindling what was there. I figure I better close it before there is nothing and then be in the negative. The interest is not that great either. I just updated my book because I found it and it was only 1 to 2 cents given. I am just worried about how much taxes are going to be taken out because I am not of age to collect it. I went through this once before and it was a hassle. I think it was more because the bank didn’t want to do it than anything. Least that was my impression. Maybe I will go to the square and do it at the bank there as the one near me always gives me a fucking hassle with transactions.

I need to take a shower. I also need to change my bed sheets but that in itself is more tiring than taking a shower. My foot is a 7 right now. I know after the shower it will be up for a bit. Maybe in the afternoon I will go to do the bank business. I already had my coffee for the day so I won’t go to Starbucks. Though I might as someone misplaced or got rid of my reusable cup. I can’t find it anywhere. Maybe my nephew has it in his room. I will ask him when I see him.