Tag: mental illness

wanting to hide under the couch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Wanting to hide under the couch

Yesterday after I left my PT office, I was walking to the grocery store and I took a nosedive to the ground. My left foot didn’t clear the damn sidewalk because it was unlevel. Most of the sidewalks in the area are like that and I tweeted to the city about how awful their streets are but of course, no response because they are assholes. Today I am so sore. Every muscle hurts. But I had to see my psychiatrist so went. I had decided to wear the new brace I bought but I must have had it too tight or maybe it is too small, either way when I got to the hospital, I took the sucker off. I won’t be wearing it again.

My psych appointment went well until she asked me when my next book was coming out. I panicked and swear I wanted to hide under the couch I was sitting on. I told her about the story I had in my head but it was too emotional to write but am trying to find a way to do that so I don’t go nuts. I don’t know if this story, when it gets written, will be published. I think if you have been following my blog, you know my dilemma surrounding that issue. There are characters that I am not sure I can use without infringing on copyrights. I might change names if I have to, which is easy enough. Or just use their rank, now that I think about it. I don’t know. Everything is up in the air and stuff. So we discussed that and whatever I do, she will support me. HA I think she is bias but what do I know. This is our 26th Anniversary. We don’t know the exact date but know it is the beginning of February. I am grateful she is still working with me.

On the way home, I thought my legs were going to collapse. I had been leaning on one or the other. Using a cane wasn’t helpful. It just caused me more pain. I am definitely using a walker when I see the PT next week and I told her so. She said it was a good idea seeing as I have had balance issues. She did show me ways of turning so I don’t fall. It is all because my ankles are being taxed too much. So until my right leg is strong enough, I have to do what I can in the form of using aids. She wants me to bring in the walker I am using so that it is right for me and that I am using it right, I guess. Next week is going to be tough because I have PT and then I need to see my new PCP, I hope. His office is further from the train station and I know after PT I am going to need the support of the walker as a cane is just not going to be steady enough.

I am in mega pain. My left ankle had started to hurt soon as I woke this morning when my med alarm went off. Miraculously, I had slept through the night for the first time in a very long time. I had only gotten 2 hours sleep yesterday so I was glad I got more than 6 hours today. I took my night meds early as well as other stuff to try and calm down this flare I am having. My foot feels like it is going to cramp awfully bad at any moment. And the fall I took didn’t help matters. My left arm too the majority of the weight as well as my knees which are a nice shade of black at the moment. My left arm is sore as well as my left shoulder. I had placed a call to my mother and just putting the phone to my ear hurt and caused pain across my clavicle (collar bone to all you non-medical people). I hope I didn’t damage anything and it is just sore from using my backpack. I had my backpack on me yesterday which clunked me in the head and then fell on my neck. My neck is also sore but not as much as my limbs. I didn’t have my cane with me so had to hunker home without it. Then I had to go to urgent care because I thought I broke one of my knuckles as there was a pinching at the bone and it was swollen. Such awful fall but thankfully nothing is broken just sore as hell. I am not doing anything this weekend. I wanted to go to the grocery store to get what I needed but couldn’t carry with me but it can wait. I am just mad that in my hurry to get home, I didn’t purchase the roast beef I wanted! I went to the deli and put it on the holder thing but just rang up the Powerade, paid, and left without the roast beef! I didn’t realize it until I was on the waiting for the bus at the train station. Stupid me. I will get it probably Monday when my muscles have a chance to recuperate.

Meds are kicking in and I haven’t had supper or anything to eat since 11 am. I am hungry but don’t think I can go downstairs. I don’t want food in my room. I don’t think my mother can make it up the stairs anyways. She is having a hard time getting around worse than me but won’t go to PT or see the doctor about it. She just uses the walker around the house. We share it LOL. When she isn’t using it, I will. I am getting so sleepy that I don’t think going downstairs is a good idea. I have peanut butter protein bars in my room but lately they have been bothering my stomach, even though I drink a lot of fluid to help it digest better. I don’t know why peanut butter is bothering my stomach so much lately. I love it but I guess my stomach doesn’t anymore. Think I will nap and if I wake up later, I will go eat if my legs don’t fall off.

From 11/22/2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality

From 11/22/2015

Around this time, I was having trouble with my therapist. We were fighting over my suicidality. This is just one piece of the pie. Today 13/Feb/19, things haven’t changed. I still feel suicidal. I still want to write that note. I still want to drink that shot. I am seeking oblivion from feeling so empty and hurt. February since 2001 has been filled with anniversaries. The last one of ending both therapists, one temporarily. The other permanently. My heart is broken. I feel unloved. I feel uncared for. I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to. I miss going to Starbucks and writing, even if it was in my journal only.
I just have physical therapy now. My schedule is an open book. Sure I see my psychiatrist every two weeks and will be seeing a new PCP. My life is surrounded my doctor appts.
My heart is aching so bad right now. I don’t think it will ever heal. I think dying is better.

Written 22/Nov/15

Regarding my suicidal career
I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?
I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.
I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.
I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.
My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday

burst of energy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Burst of energy

I had slept through my alarm to go to PT. I only woke up when my PT called me wondering if I was okay. I had seen her before and she knows I don’t skip appointments without calling or emailing her why I didn’t show up. Once I was semi fully awake, I called the office and told them I slept through my alarm. My PT wanted me to come in sometime this week but all they had was morning times and I am not doing well with morning times so declined. They had an opening next week in the afternoon so I opted for that. I will have two sessions next week but that is okay. We can adjust if we need to.

I needed coffee. I made a cup, a big one, and had a slice of leftover pizza. I then went up to my room. I wanted to clean one corner of my room that I have been neglecting forever. I had started sorting through when I had an avalanche a few months ago but I just haven’t had the energy to do anything else but throw the mess somewhere else in my room. I have a bag of clothes that need to be washed and some shit on the floor that needs to be picked up and tossed. I found one boot but no idea where its mate is. It might be in the closet. Also found a dress shoe, its mate also missing. My back finally cried uncle so I stopped. When the spasms cleared and the pain subsided a bit, I went downstairs for dinner. My mother and I planned to have hot dogs and tater tots but I wasn’t going to cook. My back and foot would kill me and I want to finish what I started. I have a shit ton of boxes. I am going to keep like three to put the books on the floor in and then bust the other down so they will fit in the recycle bin. I will also get rid of my trash and recycles. I also need to bring the good will stuff to the bin a few blocks away. I found some clothes and things I no longer use. Once I can access the closet, there might be more so I don’t want to bring the stuff there yet. Once the rug is cleared, I will vacuum and then if I am able to move my heavy mattress, get vacuum up the dust bunnies behind my bed.

Yesterday I was sort of participating in BPD chat. We talked about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I said that I had the binder that I was given when I was “forced” to go. Back then in 1999/2000 it was the “thing” for self-harm and borderline personality disorder. I don’t have BPD, but I had some traits at the time. I no longer do as I no longer meet any of the criteria. Anyway, last night I tried to get the bin under the bed that has the binder, I think. But my bed has sunk and I couldn’t get it out. I have no idea if the mattress and box spring sunk into the rug or the frame of the bed tilted because I am always on my bed.

My foot is already starting to be a brat. Last night after the football game, I was listening to music on my phone. I had to charge it so I placed the phone on my lower leg and OMG it set off fucking pain. The vibration from the phone traveled to my foot and it started vibrating. Then pain started and I didn’t go to sleep till after 330 am, hence why I missed my PT appointment. I wrote to my psych, like I always do when pain is bad. Think I told her my plan for killing myself. She didn’t respond with police at my door or a response to the email so not sure she found it concerning. I didn’t say specifics, I never do, but I do have some things in place for when I feel I can do it.

I haven’t heard from my TG doc yet. I do have my blood work back and I am so happy my hematocrit is up. This is your red blood cells and basically determines if you have anemia. I have always been around 30 but I am up to 36.5! I have never been that high before so the T is producing blood cells in my bone marrow! Maybe that is why I had a bit of energy to tackle my room. I just hope I can tackle the boxes. I have been meaning to for weeks now and they are still there. I want to break them down so they fit in the recycle bin better or at least can be tied up to put out on trash day. We’ll see. Will be a lot of work, but I can’t do that now as my back hates me. Standing and moving my upper body just hurts. Maybe I can sit and do it using the folding chair I have. Once I have that done, I will try to do the area in front of my bookcase and desk. I got to get rid of my old desktop. I had formatted it but never installed the drivers right so everything is huge. It is more than 10 years old. I know some computer places will take them for a fee. Might do that and also get rid of my old laptops that no longer work. I will gladly toss the POS in with it. Fucking waste of $300. For $400 more I could have the laptop I have now and not have a headache!

New brace and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New brace and other things

I didn’t have a horrible night sleeping but I had the hardest time getting up. I am glad my psych appointment tomorrow is in the late afternoon so I can stay in bed till noon or so. I still have to check the schedule to see what time to leave. I think I will take the 1 pm one as I want to write for a while. It was really cold today. My bones didn’t like it one bit.

I got a lace up brace that is similar to the one I was going to buy at Walgreens except that it is white instead of black. The stabilizer things come out too, which is nice. The guy put it too tight so by the time I came home, I had to take it off and there was a red mark on my foot. Hope it is gone tomorrow and is not too sore as I got to wear the thing. It does it job but my heel still hurts. I hope PT will help relieve that pain. Lacing up the brace in PT is going to be fun. I have a hard time lacing up my sneakers!

Getting home was a bitch and a half. There was a bus at 147 but there was no way I was going to be able to make it. The next one wasn’t until 313. I checked the next bus at the other location and it was at 247. I wasn’t going to stay at the station for a fricken an hour! I took another bus closer to my home and caught a different bus route home. I reached home before 247 after traveling through town. Such a fricken bitch having this new schedule. I hope it changes to every hour next time because it gives me more options. I was so mad.

I was so bloody cold when I came home. My room was cold. Then my feet became a block of ice so I put thermal socks on. I changed to a heavier shirt. I was just wearing a long sleeve T-shirt. The jacket I was wearing needs a lightweight shirt or I would have roasted. I wanted a nap but pain prevented that. I got hungry and made a French bread pizza. I didn’t like it. Seems the quality of it went down. No wonder the price did, too.

I plan on reading my Harry Potter book until my meds kick in and I go to sleep. My facial hair is weird. Instead of it being on my face, it is under my chin. I don’t get it.

My mother has every TV on full blast. I have the whisperer machine on to drown out the noise. I just can’t handle noise today for some reason. I don’t know if it is because I am tired or because I am in pain. I am not in horrible pain but it is just at the level to be annoying. My foot feels like it is being split in half again.

I found an old pen that I bought at least 15 years ago or more. It needed a refill as the cartridge that was in it was all dried up. The refills just came in. I think they came from Germany as it is a German pen. It is a ceramic rollerball pen. It is kind of heavy on the ink but it writes okay. I have it on my bed to use it for a bit. I am sure it will go to a hole in my room again to collect dust.