Tag: mental pain

bad few days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Bad few days

Since Saturday, I have been having back pain. I didn’t do anything as I just woke up with it. The barometric pressure has been up and down like a yo-yo and temps have been crazy as well. I know once it levels off, I should be ok. In the meantime, it is hard to move and walk. Sitting is also difficult.

My mood has sucked all week. I have been having intense suicidal urges upon awakening and throughout the day. I sent my psychiatrist the post I posted on Monday. She said it was complex. I also sent the blog to my pcp’s social worker but have not heard back from her. I just feel like I don’t want any help right now. But my psych wants to know what I am up to and things because my suicidality has peaked. She also is not letting me be. Last Friday, she wanted me to call her midweek and if I didn’t, she would call me. Yesterday, she called me after I told her I wasn’t going to call her. I had gotten into an argument with my sisters and didn’t want to speak to anyone, much less her. I just don’t see the point. I am better off alone to deal with my stuff. I somehow get through it, though this time seems to be harder than it has been in the past. I kind of do but don’t want help. I don’t want help because I don’t think it will actually help me. I think it will just frustrate me yet the ingrained sense of “reaching out” when feeling this way is hard to resist. My psychiatrist has told me that if I feel like acting, I am to call her first. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of trying to act on my feelings. God I am so confused.

Last night, it was determined that my leather chair will be removed. I paid $300 for that chair. I thought about getting rid of my uncle’s desk but now I don’t want to. Fuck my sister for wanting to get rid of my things. She has threatened me that if she cleans my room and I don’t keep it clean she will “kill me”. On the other hand, if she does try, I will break her hands. My other sister wants me to get rid of books that I haven’t used in a long time. It is my books that I spent good money for. They aren’t getting rid of or placed in the basement to get musty or worse, ruined. I had books down there and they got ruined once. I am not going to do that again.

Because of my pain, I haven’t been able to do anything to clear my room or the boxes downstairs. Now they want to me to pack the stuff in my bedroom, to put in the living room. Where the fuck this stuff is to go, I have no clue. Fucking the office stuff is taking up a good portion of the living room already. I am just so stressed out and don’t even want to do a damn thing. Also I heard my sister tell my mother that I go out and have coffee but don’t clear my things. I only go out for coffee if I have my a damn appointment. That has been the only time I leave the house! So according to her, I am to be housebound just to clear boxes and clean my room?? I am so sick of this shit. They really think that my pain is no reason why I shouldn’t clear stuff. That I must be faking my disability. Next week I am getting paid and I am so fucking tempted NOT to give a cent to my mother. Maybe then they will get a fucking clue that I live here, too. Because right now, I feel like I can’t have anything in this house except my bedroom. And I will be damned to give half of my social security check just to be locked up in it!

Well, this is the stress I am dealing with which hasn’t helped my pain at all. I need to stop right now because I need to lay down. I can no longer sit. Hope the Tylenol and Ibuprofen help my back pain.

Protected: Staring at the barrel of a gun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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gender dysphoria flares again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Gender dysphoria flares again

I had PT today. I didn’t get to drink more than one cup of coffee. I could barely finish the cup as I had to run. I was in slow mo today as I was just so tired. I had another bad night sleeping. I really have no idea what time I fell asleep but I know it was after 0230. I got dressed and wore my favorite flannel shirt that I found last night while going through my clothes.

Because of the standing and sort of half bending I did (with breaks because my back wasn’t having it), my hammy on the left and both calves were killing me. I could barely move which further slowed me down. I had the button down flannel on and it was a little tight in the chest area, so much so that it triggered my loathing of the things on me. I tried to ignore it and listen to my music but it was like a band around me and I hated it so bad. I thought about top surgery again. I honestly don’t know if I can do it, especially as I am really suicidal right now. I just don’t feel that is a priority right now. At the same time, I want these stupid things off. I hate myself for being in the wrong body. It also sort of throws gas on the suicidal fire that is going on.

I came home after getting some pizza at one of the local pizza places. I got the Sicilian kind as I really wanted it. I found five bucks in the shirt so it was sort of a reward. By the time I got to my room to change, my fucking legs gave up on me and both feet were killing me. I got my laptop and was scrolling through Twitter. There was a physician weekly chat and the topic today was insurances, specifically how they deny services or delay care due to prior authorizations. It made me think of top surgery and moving forward with it as I am not sure my insurance will cover it and then I will be screwed. My PCP had mentioned that it will take some doing with both of my insurances to get the surgery covered. There is a meeting of transmen I am thinking of attending the first week in April, if I don’t end up ending things before then.

I’ve had it with my fucking mother. She has been calling me my birthname the past few days and today with all the gender dysphoria going on, I just can’t deal. It is sending me further down the black hole I am in. She refuses to call me by my legal name or use the right pronouns. I am so fucking upset. I just feel like I am a fucking outsider in my own home. No one in my house respects me. I give it to them. I guess I am not worth the same in return. I am just done. I got three more notes to write. Hope I can do it. No one is to blame except me.

Bad mood kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Bad mood kind of day

I was up half the night again. Yesterday, I spent a few hours helping my sister go through my stuff she is clearing from my office. First she wanted me to do one thing and then later that evening, she wanted me to do something else. Well, in order for me to do the something else, I need to do the first thing she told me, which was to organize and go through my clothes. I got rid of about two bags. I had a bag of my button down shirts that I was going to take to the cleaners but they probably don’t fit my anymore so I just got rid of them. I haven’t worn them in years anyways.

Last night I was in a worst mood. I felt really overwhelmed with what my sister was telling me about my things and how SHE wanted it to be. I felt like I couldn’t have MY room the way I want it. It’s bad enough most of the stuff in my office now needs a home in my room, which means I have to clear it up and get rid of some stuff. I am not fucking happy about any of this. She was telling me I don’t need a lot of binders and other office supplies. Sorry, but I do a lot of writing and DO need those things, especially when I print off my research articles or other papers. I am not going to get rid of them just so I have to buy more later on. They are fricken more expensive now than they were back when I was in college!

I was also getting stressed because I got a pain flare up that kept me up most of the night. I had sat and stood for those few hours I was doing things, even though I rested in between doing the different things I did. CRPS doesn’t care if you rest, you are still going to hurt. I talked to a couple of friends of mine from the CES group that understands you can’t be doing shit without consequences. I was in such a mood, I emailed my psych to tell her and then told her a little about the prep I have done to end things. I didn’t say when or how I would do this, or if I was really going to go through with it. Then I had moments where I wanted to go through with it last night. It took all I had not to get up and get my means.

Yesterday, as I was eating, my back tooth started hurting me. It has been hurting on and off the past couple of weeks. I meant to call the dentist this morning but I was so damn sleepy I didn’t. I don’t know if I was up at 6 am or if I woke up, but I took my meds and then slept until noon then fell asleep again till 3pm. I never called the dentist because I forgot. I will try and call tomorrow as I got a lot of time tomorrow to do so. I have PT so maybe I can do it before I leave or when I come home.

I have been craving pizza the past few days. Think I am going to get some before I come home tomorrow. I don’t know if I want Sicilian or regular. I will get two slices. Not sure I will eat both but at least I will have it later if I don’t. My appetite has been awful lately. Yesterday, I just had a burrito, and even that I had to force myself to finish it. I don’t know why my appetite is gone. I was able to make an egg burrito when I got up before I did anything as I was hungry. I just been eating one meal a day or maybe a couple of protein bars. I have lost like 11 pounds in about 2 and a half weeks. I am not sure it is real because sometimes I weigh myself on the scale and it will say I am down and then I go a few days later and I weigh more than I did in the beginning.

I emailed my PCP’s social worker to see if I can see her. I told her that I don’t think she could do anything but at least she is someone I can talk to until I get a therapist. I haven’t called any places because I am waiting for my damn heel pain to be less than what it is. There is one place I am thinking about but I am not sure where it is and how far I will be walking. There are two locations, one in my town and the town next to me. I think I will try the one in the next town over as Google maps says it is where my ex-therapist used to be. It is a block from that location and close to Harvard Square. I don’t know if it will be easier getting there like the therapist I was with and have a temporary hold on. I kind of want to go back to see him but then I don’t. I don’t even know if this place will take me or not so, no point thinking about it until I call. I want my foot/ankle to get a little bit better before I do call. But until then I am stuck without anyone to talk to. UGH. I hate this. I have never been without a therapist this long. It is going on for at least three months now.