Tag: painsomnia

Long night of painsomnia

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain

I didn’t get to sleep till 6 am this morning. I had been up 18 hours straight. I was in so much pain last night that I think being over tired just kept me up.

Needless to say, I slept for most of the day. I left my mother a note saying not to call me as I went to bed at 6. My middle sister woke me up at 1130 because she wanted to use my laptop. I got up to use the bathroom and have something to eat. Then went back to bed. My ankle was still hurting me. Soon after I got back to my room, the doorbell rang. It was some idiots inviting us to some event. WTF. I was pissed. They said they were our neighbors but I never saw them before the ten years I’ve been living here. Morons. Go bother someone else. I feel like putting up a sign saying official business only, all others screw. It took me a while to calm down but I did eventually. I slept for another couple of hours before I had to use the bathroom again.

I still don’t have my laptop back. I don’t care as I’ll be going to bed soon. I just took my night meds. I hope I will be able to sleep through the night. I am really tired. I didn’t have supper. I don’t feel like eating. I’m not really hungry. I just want to sleep.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. I really don’t feel like seeing him but it is too late to cancel. In my painsomnia mood, I ordered more stuff from Amazon. I bought some Moleskin notebooks, a regular size one and a pocket. I think I am going to make a pain book with the pocket size one. Just list the time date and what kind of pain I am experiencing. I know I could use my phone, but i like to write things down. My pens are collecting dust because I’m not using them as much. I wrote in my journal a few times a week. I’m hoping the new notebook will get me to write more. I can use different colored pens. I don’t know. I only use black ink for my journal writing. My friend in Canada gave me her work pen. It has blue ink. I’m going to swap it out for black. It is a really nice pen. It has her work number so if I am feeling like a mischief, I can call her. I probably won’t though as she is super busy. I really love this woman, not in a romantic way or anything, even though she is hot. She is my best friend. I leave her a message on FB everyday telling her she is beautiful and I love her. She means a lot to me. Always there for me, no matter what mood I am in. Then we laugh. FB messenger has this voice clip thing I’ve been using more of. It is great because she also leaves me a clip. It is awesome hearing her voice, like getting a phone call without the charges. Haha. She makes me smile. I’ve known her since I’ve had my nerve Injury 17 yrs ago. I will meet her one day, I hope. I always wanted to go up to Canada. I’ve been once but on the East side. She is more west near Vancouver. If I had a car, I’d probably leave and never come back.

Woke up at 3 in pain, yay!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, painsomnia, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I knew I was going to wake up when my pain med wore off. I thought the neurontin and Ativan would cover me. I was wrong. I have such intense burning going on and there feels like a little ball of pain toward the middle of where my ankle and foot meet. This is a new pain. Got to love CRPS and all the different pains it gives you. It is never the same pain twice, usually.

I just had some cornbread so that flared things up because I had to go down then up the stairs. I was hungry. I have decided to give some of my casserole to my barber and his pal. There is no way I can eat it all myself.

My big check came in so I paid my bills. Now I am broke again. Easy come, easy go. Sucks being an adult.

Pain is awful. I really wish I could have a break, if only for a few hours. I got into such deep despair last night because of it. I thought of ending things once again. I just don’t have a place to do it. I need to find one. I haven’t 100% made up my mind to do it, but having a place would ease the anxiety. I just feel everyone would be better off without me. I feel so useless. I can’t function anymore because I am not sleeping well. These broken sleeps are making me feel like shit most days. I’m never going to get better.

Been having a lot of gender dysphoria the past few days. My mother has been calling me miss and even though I correct her, she doesn’t care. I asked my sister to call me her brother and she said if I want to. I’m getting frustrated with the whole pronoun thing. If I didn’t have breasts, it might be easier. I don’t know when I can have top surgery or if my insurance will pay for it. I’ve been too scared to call and ask. I will ask the LGBT doc when I see him in a few weeks. O hope I don’t have to lose weight because that will be a hard battle. I’ve only gained weight because of my meds. I know I don’t eat right. I’ve been thinking of joining Nutrisystem. It is a weight loss program but I don’t think I can afford the food. I’ll have to look into it. I have other stuff I need to get done before I spend like $300 on food to lose weight.

I wish my breasts were smaller than they are. Women in my family have such huge breasts. I hate them on me. Actually, I think loathe is a better term. If I could cut them off myself, I would. Also been wondering if I should get a penile operation. I don’t know. I guess in time I’ll figure that out.

I requested my records from the pain clinic to see what they wrote about me. I think it is important for me to know. I have every right to see my records. I hope they come soon.

The Ups and Downs of Being Bipolar

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Today has been an up and down, all around day. I had another rough sleep, though pain had something to do with it as usual. Around 1 am, I felt energetic, like hypomanic. I also got the writing urge and I knew the bipolar part of my illness was showing itself. I can understand why as I have had shitty sleeps for I don’t know how many days in a row, being up all night. When I woke up, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I shut off my med alarm but didn’t take my meds. I got up about a half hour later and it was too late to take them. I did my bathroom routine and then pondered what to do.

I was feeling really low and sluggish. I felt like canceling my appt with my psychiatrist but really wanted to give her the card I got her. I left at the time I planned on going. I didn’t bring my cup. I forgot. I decided to wear my sneakers rather than the AFO to see how my ankle would do. Maybe using it wouldn’t cause me pain. By the time I got into town, that proved to be a mistake.

I got to Starbucks and just had espresso. I had a bowl of cereal before I left the house as I was hungry and had time to eat. I was really sleepy while I was at Starbucks. I tried to write but nothing was really coming to me, least not while I wanted to take a nap. I didn’t even play with my phone. I just listened to music and was getting annoyed with the passing cars glinting sun in my eyes. I was sitting by the glass door. It sucked. I left to go to the train station and by the time I got there, my ankle was cursing me. Great. I seemed to be off with the timing of the train so I just drank my espresso while waiting for it.

I got to the building where my psych is and had to use the bathroom. There was someone using the disability stall so I used the normal one. I hate them because it makes me claustrophobic. It is so tiny. For some reason, my backpack weighed a ton. I don’t understand why as there really isn’t much in it other than 3 small notebooks and my journal. I was carrying the bag for my psych but it didn’t weigh that much. It is annoying me. Everything was annoying me. I just wanted to get home.

I saw my psych and she was appreciative of the chocolate and card, though she didn’t open it. I felt like it had been ages since I last saw her as there has been so much going on. I told her about the pain psychologist and she said that was huge. I told her I had an appt with a pain MD Friday. I don’t know what happened while talking to her but I was off to the races. Things were spilling out left and right. In the span of the 20 minutes or so, I was talking about everything. I told her about my troubles with my new story and she understood. She didn’t say anything but was cautious about it. She knows how much my past caused me to lose my sense of reality and I told her I didn’t want this story to make me become unstable, least not more than I am already. She had no insights into the functional program that the PT and the pain psychologist wanted me to go to. I asked what would be the point in going. I haven’t been able to find an answer to this question. I might email my PT. I just worry that if going back to work is the goal, then that might be a problem as I don’t want to lose my benefits. If I lose my long term disability or my social security, I won’t be able to get them back, ever. My writing is good but I doubt I am going to be the next JK Rowling or Neil Gaiman. And it’s not like I collect money from my blog so that is out. I have no idea what my job would be. But I am getting ahead of myself. Right now none of that is possible unless my pain is controlled to a livable level, and it is not right now.

My psych said I was all over the place, and I was as I had sent her emails in my lowest of lows, mostly due to pain. I don’t know if I told her about being suicidal. Those, thankfully, have been passing thoughts and haven’t stuck around. I am not surprised because I was sending her emails about my pain and how it was affecting me. Over the weekend, I was really angry. Then I was depressed and now I am kind of hypomanic. I am not feeling euphoric or happy. I just feel kind of upbeat.

I left her office and she said to stay in touch. I told her I would. I had a million ideas running through my head and I wanted to write them all down. I got to the train station and figured I would get the title of today’s blog done so I did that. The train came so I just read Facebook until I got to the Square again. I had about 20 minutes for the bus home, so I figured I would write the damn story. Except, I didn’t know what to write on, my phone or my notebook. It was agonizing me to decide. I pulled out the outline I had on my phone and this story line was there, but nothing else. Just three fucking words. I became paralyzed again, writing wise. Then things slowed down to their normal level. I wasn’t so racy.

After dinner, I wanted to write the blog. I opened my laptop and like I usually do, I read twitter before I open Word. I read about the school shooting. I was sad and angry that this happened again. The usual things occurred. The shooter was white so wasn’t shot to death. He didn’t kill himself. Seventeen people died. There were reports of him having mental illness. Mental illness doesn’t make anyone a killer!!! Someone with mental illness is more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than to cause it. But because of our fucked up society that has to put blame, sure they are mentally ill because a fucking sane white person wouldn’t do this. It sickens me. Then the reports of how much each Republican Senator was paid by the NRA was reported. It’s like fucking clockwork. Things will die down in a few days and then it will happen in another school, which it fucking shouldn’t!! Kids should be fucking safe where they learn for fucks sake!! They shouldn’t have to learn how to cope with their friends being shot to death and being terrorized by a gunman at their school. Congress needs to take action of some sort or the States have to. Someone has to! This can’t keep happening. America shouldn’t be known for mass murders yet it is. All because of the 2nd Amendment? I don’t think the founding fathers wanted kids to die by shootings or having their countrymen shot to death in mass numbers by civilians.

Needless to say, I couldn’t write my blog anymore. I watched Titanic, Disc 1. I am not going to watch Disc 2 where 1500 people die. I am thinking of the kids that died today that shouldn’t have.

it’s 2 am…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 2 am…

It’s not quite 3 am yet but I love this song. It’s by Jason Aldean and called Why.

I am having a rough time. Pain is bonkers. I’ve lost track how many times the pain has moved from my ankle to my foot and back. Then my ankle bone hurts only for it to travel to my foot bones. Now my foot is on fire so I think the pain meds have done their job. I just don’t want to chance it flaring up again by laying down.

I researched the psychologist I will be seeing in 13 hours. He mostly has focused on head, face, and neck pain. Not my kind. Also promotes CBT. He suggests that for me and I will kill myself. I don’t fucking care. I hate this therapy and think it is bogus. Not everyone responds to it and I know I won’t because I think it’s bullshit. There are some aspects of it that are worthwhile but like anything else, it takes time to practice and use it well. I really don’t want to wait another 18 weeks or more to see if this is “for me” and still have fucking flare ups without pain control in any other way.

I tried writing in my journal but the pen I decided to use was being difficult. Sometimes it wouldn’t write and I had to go over letters to make them visible. It was annoying me rather than helping me. I don’t know what I did with my left arm. It feels weak, like I lifted something heavy, which I didn’t. I haven’t carried anything so no idea what I did but it’s annoying me. It doesn’t hurt so that is good.

My migraine has gone. I hope it stays away. I am really tired and know I should try and sleep but my foot and ankle pain is just so intense. I can’t even give it a number because it just hurts. It is also indescribable. I hate that kind of pain. It’s so hard to know how to treat it. Do I treat it with this med or that med? I just don’t know so I take both and hope it works. I didn’t take any Neurontin tonight. I don’t want to be foggy later on. I think these late nights are causing me to be a night owl. I know that if I am not asleep by midnight, chances are it is a guessing game when I will be asleep. After 0200, and I am really up for the night. Just sucks because I have to leave the house by 1245 to make it to my appointment on time, which means I will have to eat something at Starbucks. I think I will get the cherry mocha again with 3 shots of espresso. That was yummy. I will try and remember to bring my reusable cup I bought the other day. They only have this drink until Wednesday. It’s too bad because it tastes so good! I love mocha anyway. It’s my favorite drink beside having the espresso alone with soy milk.

I am going to try this thing called sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s supposed to be good for you yet I never feel refreshed afterwards so don’t get the appeal. I’ll let you know how it goes…