Tag: psychological pain

PT and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT and other stuff

I had PT today. I wasn’t going to go but I made myself. I so wanted to sleep in and cancel the appointment but I went anyways. Luckily, I didn’t have anymore problems with my stomach. I was worried but it cleared up after I gone to the bathroom. I have had an upset stomach for most of the day. I just had coffee and some soup for dinner. I really haven’t felt like eating.

I ordered my groceries for tomorrow. I don’t know how I am going to get them up the stairs as my nephew has been working in the mornings. I hope maybe my niece can help me. I know I won’t be able to do it myself. It would take me all day just to get half the stuff up the stairs. I learned my lesson from last time.

I have been feeling tired for most of the day but haven’t slept. I told the PT that I have been tired lately doing stuff but she didn’t really have answers for me. She is trying to build my endurance up. She gave me some home exercises to do. I hope that I will be able to do them.

My ankle has been smarting all day, probably due to the rain we are having. I am going to take my night meds in a few minutes so I hope the night dose of pain meds will help. If not, I will take the BT meds. I hate this pain. It is like a knife stabbing me right in the joint.

I have been running hot and cold today. I don’t know what to make of it and hope I am not getting sick. Have been putting on and taking off my long sleeved shirt. It is kind of cool in my room and I am under blankets. It is not helping my ankle being cold. I am just glad I haven’t been having back cramps today. It has been nice to move without them.

I need to shave and shower. I probably will do that tomorrow after my groceries get delivered. My beard is coming in as I haven’t shaved in more than a week. I haven’t felt like shaving regularly. I take it as another sign I am depressed. I haven’t listened to Taylor Swift’s latest album in a while so I just put it on. I really love the tunes. I think it is her best album yet. It is so down to earth. Perfect for the Pandemic.

feeling overwhelmed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling overwhelmed

PT just called to schedule appointments for me. The PT that I have been seeing and really like is leaving the organization so I had to go to another location. I am a bit overwhelmed because the third week in Oct I have appointments nearly every day, and therapy hasn’t been scheduled yet so I am nervous that I won’t have therapy that week.

Since last night my back has been making cracking sounds or feels like it is. I don’t know what is going on. I know I don’t have the bony spine on my vertebraes anymore. They all have been removed except for L1-L2. This was because of all the surgeries I have had this year and in the past. I am nervous that I did something to my back yesterday when my groceries came. I just hope it is just muscles that I am hearing and not bone on bone, though it wouldn’t surprise me if there is bone on bone. My discs have deteriorated so there isn’t much cushioning like there used to be. I see the surgeon in three weeks. I will let him know before then if this continues. My headaches have come back and I don’t like it. I am hoping today’s headache was because of the storms that were passing through. I thought I was going to get a migraine but I didn’t. Tylenol seems to have gotten rid of the headache (and eating something too).

I see my therapist tomorrow and will be going over this overwhelm with her. I hate when I have so many appointments back to back. I hope I like this new PT. I don’t know if it is the one my PT recommended I see or not. She is supposed to send me an email tomorrow about it. I am just glad I don’t have to call the ride to get to the place. I can just take the bus as it is down the street from me. I just need to make sure I have enough money on my T pass. I will make sure I do have enough when I get my haircut tomorrow. The Train station is right there near my barber’s shop. I just hope I remember.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today but my cousin bailed on me. He said that he wasn’t feeling good. It’s ok because I need to rest my back anyway after dealing with groceries on Monday. My legs are still hurting me from going up and down the stairs.

I met with my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to change medications. I will be starting Latuda tonight and decreasing the Invega. I forgot how he wanted me to decrease the Invega so I sent him a message. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I am just halving the dose tonight and then stopping it come the weekend. Hopefully I won’t have too many side effects. I really hope that it works for me and doesn’t cause weight gain.

This weekend I will be posting transition pics as Saturday marks my second anniversary of being on T. Will be interesting to see the changes. I know there have been a lot. I am more hairy for one. My facial hair has come in nicely. I love that my mustache is more pronounced than it had been. It is darker and thicker. What bothers me is that I have hair on my chest but it is on my stupid breasts. I hate that. I feel like a hairy woman sometimes rather than a man. I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look. I still feel ugly. I can’t help but hate the way my face is. Sometimes I can look at myself and see the changes and other times I can’t stand to see myself.

in a grumpy mood today

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

In a grumpy mood today

I am not feeling well today. I feel tired and my back has been spazzing up a storm all day, probably because of the hurricanes that are passing through the east coast. Either way, I am not feeling good. I made breakfast and it hurt. I could barely clean up afterwards. Luckily my sister cleaned up for me as she wanted to cook something and needed the space. I put my stuff away and then went up to my room to relax a bit. My sister made nachos so when they were done, I went back downstairs to have them. They were so good! I really liked it.

I shaved and showered today which took some energy from me. I felt tired and my back was cramping. I went up stairs to relax and I took a nap. I had taken some medicine to stop the cramping and it makes me tired so I slept. Then my sister’s loud mouth woke me up a couple of hours later. I didn’t like this. My mother called me saying she wanted to talk to me and I had to get up to pee so I talked to her. I told her I was tired. Things that shouldn’t tire me out tire me out. I have no energy for things. I wanted to go to the grocery store today but I couldn’t because I showered. Maybe tomorrow I will go before my therapy appointment.

I should write down stuff I want to talk about tomorrow for therapy so I have something to talk about. I just don’t know what to talk about. I hate this. I hate when I can’t think of something to say and the therapist doesn’t ask questions about things either. I hate that. Yesterday I had a dream that I almost slept through the appointment. I woke up at the time I was supposed to meet so I was scrambling to get on the laptop.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I might give it tonight if I am up around midnight. If not it will be in the morning I will give myself the shot. I might post some before and after pics later. I haven’t done that in a long time, mostly because there hasn’t been much change going on. I still don’t have a full beard. And I don’t have enough of a connection to have a goatee in place.

The weather has cooled off. I am grateful it has. I love the cooler weather. I can’t believe how tired I have been the past few days. All I have been doing is laying down and sleeping. I might wake up during the middle of the night to pee and then stay up for an hour or two because I can’t go back to sleep right away. That stinks because it throws me off and makes me more tired during the day. I had coffee today and then I took a nap. Then I showered and my sister made nachos and then I napped again. I know I am still recovering from surgery but damn, the feeling of being tired has to stop. I am tired of being tired. I am three weeks post op. Tomorrow I need to empty my recycling. It is getting full. I should dump my trash as well. I still need to break down the Amazon boxes that are in my room. I have a lot. I don’t know how they accumulated.

I got to lay down again. Back is acting up. UGH I can’t even blog for more than a half hour now. This sucks!

Saturday Blog 12092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12092020

I changed the background on my zoom and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to have therapy with my therapist on Wed. I wanted to have something different than just looking at a wall in my room. Monday I need to call to schedule my PT appointment. I meant to call yesterday but it was not going to happen as I was so sleepy. Today I slept till almost 1500. I still had coffee. I needed it. I might end up going to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I got another text from them saying my meds are ready for pick up. I feel too lazy today to go but I might force myself to go. I don’t know. If I go, I will get Oreo ice cream.

I need to shave today. I might do that later. I will be careful not to reopen my cut on my face. It is healing nicely. I want to wash my face today so maybe after I shave I will do that. I just hope my back cooperates and doesn’t cramp up on me. I should shower too but that may be too much. I get tired easily these days. I am still recovering from back surgery. I am to do activities to my tolerance and if things tire me out, then I need to rest, per doctor’s orders.

College football starts today. I don’t think the Buckeyes are playing. There are only 19 teams scheduled to play. I don’t know who is playing as I haven’t looked. I heard Iowa lost to Louisiana. That was an upset. I am not that interested this year in college football like I was in previous years. The virus has put a damper on my excitement about games. I just want to keep the players healthy. There are some nasty side effects of the virus if you get it and survive.

Hunter Hayes has come out with a song that is perfect for suicide prevention. I love it. It is called Invisible. I have been listening to it on repeat the past few days. He has been involved in this year’s World suicide prevention day. He was selling T-shirts to benefit some organization. I haven’t been involved this year because I just can’t right now. I am too hurt from my feelings and where I was a year ago. I wrote about it on Twitter. I still can’t believe that conviction I felt about ending my life is gone. I am less suicidal. I still think about it at times but it is more of a passing thought. It doesn’t hang around like it used to.

A few weeks ago my therapist gave me the low down on my illness and said that it was severe and that I needed treatment that included medication. She wasn’t backing down on this. I slowly have come to the realization that she is right. I do have a severe illness and it does require treatment. I had been in denial that it was severe because I thought I could handle it on my own in certain aspects of it. But I can’t be in denial anymore. I have to accept that I have severe depression. It is hard. It hasn’t been easy to accept. I am not sure I have fully accepted this. I am trying though. It is a challenge every day to get through it. Some days are easier than others. The fatigue of depression never seems to fade. But there are days were I am able to overcome its grip and carry on through the day. It might make me more exhausted as the day ends but at least I pulled through.