Tag: psychosis

horrible Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Horrible Monday

I woke up around 0300. My arms felt like spaghetti and were very spastic. I wasn’t fully awake but as I haven’t eaten in 24 hours, I thought it was due to low blood sugar. I had some M&Ms and Gatorade. By 5 I was no better and realized it was side effects from the Invega so I took an Ativan. That didn’t work so I took 25 mg of diphenhydramine. I was sleepy and my mother had a freezer delivery today so I had to be up but my body was like fuck you after I took sedating drugs. I just wanted to sleep. I also wanted to shower but that wasn’t happening with delivery men coming to the house. I just could not get going. I finally forced myself to wash up at least. The cool water on my face helped. I then got dressed to go to my appointment.

The appointment was for my neurosurgeon to discuss the MRIs I had Saturday. It was more of me sitting in the waiting room for a half hour for the surgeon to come and tell me the radiologist didn’t do what he wanted so now has to play politics with the two hospitals and figure out how to see my spinal cord the way he wants to. So I don’t need surgery, yet. But I don’t think he liked the lumbar spine. Something the way he said it made it seem it was bad. I had taken a fall Thurs so maybe something shifted. I don’t expect to get a report of the MRIs until next week in the patient web thing. So frustrating. Then I had therapy.

I swear time was dilated the whole time I was with my therapist! It just seemed to inch along. I felt like I was there for more than 45 minutes but I wasn’t. We talked about the blog I sent her. She didn’t feel comfortable reading it through as it felt like she was invading my private thoughts even though it is for the world to see. I respect that she was respecting me that way. She just skimmed the blogs that I have sent her. She said that my writing it is a tool to cope. We came up with a plan. I get to talk about my abusive relationship with my 2nd ex. I think if I air it out some, I might feel better because she is taking a lot of head space and I don’t like it. Doesn’t also help that every fucking time I touch myself I think of her touching me that way and being abusive toward me. The therapist wants me to write about the fear. I have decided to keep a notebook about this kind of work than make it online. She also thinks I have a concussion. I played along with her on this until I was on my way home and my head exploded. I was sensitive to light and sound as well as had ringing in my ears. I had the worst headache and I still have it. I think going out today was a trigger. I am not doing anything tomorrow so I am just going to rest.

I came home and I was freezing. I just wanted to nap. I tried and couldn’t. My mother called me asking if I called the delivery place because the freezer was too big to carry up the stairs. They couldn’t get it around the bend in the stairway. So now I got to order another freezer. I just laid down and tried to rest. I haven’t eaten anything since Saturday. Yesterday I slept all day so didn’t eat. I wasn’t hungry. Today I should be starving but I am not. My foot is flared up so cooking is out. I am so frustrated by this. I know I probably shouldn’t be but I am. I hate that any activity I do lately has been causing me pain. I am so on the edge with suicidality.

Therapist and I agreed to meet twice a week until she is on vacation again. We are going to try it to see if it helps and also keep me accountable to the writing she wants me to do. I don’t have the mental space to write what she wants today. I am so tapped out and lethargic from not sleeping and the headache is making my concentration terrible.

you never loved me like I loved you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

You never loved me like I loved you

I am listening to Brett Young because his song “Mercy” is in my head. I am feeling low. Despite the soundwaves bothering me, I am listening to music because I need the distraction. I wish I could say that I had some kind of day but I can’t. I’ve been sleeping most of the day. I have no recollection of when I went to bed. I know that I took heavy duty drugs as I feel so hung over. I said in a tweet that I “OD” on gaba but whatever I took was not gaba as I was so out of it. I wet my underwear because I woke up too late to get up to pee. When I did get up I was a fucking zombie. I really haven’t drank anything. I tried the last few hours as I needed to take some miralax as the bowel have been stuck. Now that it’s about midnight, I think they are going to unleash.

I thought about telling either the psychopharm or therapist or both about what happened last night but I don’t think I am going to be cause I am too afraid of being punished. Or worse, being forced into another hospitalization. I am not saying I don’t need to be in the hosp, I probably do, but I don’t want to go there because my ankle is being a fuck right now and if I can’t control it with my meds at home, there is no way I would be able to control it while on a unit somewhere. Worse case is that the NP restricts my meds to a two week thing which will suck. I am so afraid of that happening because I am so suicidal but I don’t have any intention of overdosing on my meds. I just want to take ginger or a knife to the chest to end things.

Last night I was curious on how my psychologist friend died. I did a google search and found out. I wish I didn’t. He died by suicide. I broke into a million pieces. He is the second friend of mine to die this way in the last five years. I wish there was something I could have done to prevent it. He had been posting just once a day, which is kind of not like him. I met him on Twitter. I even went to his office to drop off cookies. We talked about cooking and stuff. He loved to cook. He sent me this awesome Christmas recipe for a cake that I love so much. It is Nantucket Cranberry cake. It is so damn good. I am hoping to get some ingredients tomorrow for my chocolate zucchini bread. I want to give some to my therapist and to share some to my friends on Thanksgiving. I don’t think she will mind a few pieces gone. Least, I hope so. I would make two, and maybe I will. I have never been good at separating batter so I might have to make it twice so I can have some for breakfast. I really love it. Sucks I was out of it today as I wanted to make cookies. Guess it will have to be another day for that. I just want to make the zucchini bread and that will be all. I think I can do it both at the same time so I don’t have to wait for one to be done for the other to go in the oven. HA. Genius!

feeling hurt and exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling hurt and exhausted

I’m going through a little (or maybe a lot) of gender dysphoria right now. Yesterday at the occupational therapy appointment, the therapist asked if I was going to have bottom surgery. Why the fuck do they need to know these things if this is NOT the reason I am seeing them!?!? If I was thinking or had it done, don’t you think it would be in my fucking record??? I am getting so pissed at handling this and then she said that there are a few doctors that work with women with spinal injuries. I went from being a male to a female in one fucking sentence. I am feeling so suicidal about this. I really don’t want to go back to the hospital where my care is at. It just hurts too much to be exposed this way.

This might sound sad but seeing as my therapist doesn’t want me to text her mundane things, I have decided to send those things to my alternative phone. This way I still get whatever I need to get out and there is no repercussions of whatever it is I say. I won’t be sharing this information with my therapist. There is no point in letting her know how pathetic I am.

Ankle/foot pain exploded about a half hour ago. Pain is a 14 right now and all I can think about is death. I emptied my bladder so I shouldn’t have to pee any time soon. I hope so anyway and as much as I want to drink right now because damn mouth is dry, I am not going to. I am sucking on lemonheads candy. Probably not a good idea it being right before bed but I don’t care. Sour taste can distract from pain so I am going to use it.

Next week I got appointments for the behavioral therapist, the NP psychopharm, my therapist, and the OT. Tues I see my therapist and then I won’t see her for two weeks. I get a break from her. She is out for the holiday and then she is leaving the country for a week. Totally messed up my plans. The day I see her when she is back is the day I wanted to end therapy or at least have a better idea about it. I am hoping to end things before my next birthday. I really don’t want to be a year older. It’s weird that I feel like I am twelve yet I also feel like I have the body of an 80 year old. Just feel like things would be better if I were dead.

I got an app thing where I can send texts now from my laptop. I’ve always wanted to be able to do that. I am such a geek.

painsomnia has returned

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia has returned

With the depression making me so damn tired, I had escaped for a little while from the pain induced insomnia or just insomnia in general. The temps have dropped considerably (currently in the 20sF) so my pain is beyond measuring right now. I took some extra pain meds and hope that it works and that I don’t have to take more meds. It’s a little after 2 right now. I hope I can sleep by at least 4 or so. The pain is like a slew of nails being shot into my foot and ankle joint. I cannot describe it beyond that right now. It is making me very suicidal but I have no intention to act on it. I don’t have anything to really act with. I gave my container of ginger to the therapist a few weeks ago. The ones that I have, have proved pointless. Either 100 mg of ginger root is not enough to cause a reaction or I really need the real thing like ginger beer or shaved root.

I met with the therapist yesterday. I had to because I was getting worried I might attempt again. Plus the voices have increased because of the stress or god knows what. Think just worrying that I having a repeat of my episode of 1994 where I was in and out of the hospital with intermittent suicide attempts on the side, one that landed me a two month stay. I didn’t become psychotic during that episode. I am really freaking out because if this does develop into a psychotic depression, I don’t have my psych here to help me guide treatment options. The psychopharm (NP and MD) have wanted to increase the antipsychotic I have been taking for a while now but I have been reluctant. I fear that if they have to play with this medication to get me stable again while my mood is out of order, I think I will have no choice but to go back to the hospital. I would feel better with this being done in an inpatient setting because the voices can be tricky to deal with outpatient. Once they start telling me to do stuff, which they are starting to, I have a hard time ignoring them. They are already making fun of me because I failed in killing myself, again. I haven’t been eating anything all week. I have been drinking Ensure and Gatorade just to make sure I don’t completely lose it. I am slowly losing the will to live. I don’t care about food. My favorite holiday is coming up. A very good friend invited me to her house but I have no idea what kind of shape I will be in. My friend is more like my sister from another mother. We are close and we understand each other. We make each other laugh, especially when we get going with our dirty minds. I am trying to remember to eat something every day but when there is no appetite, it is kind of hard. My food stamps just came in so I can go to the grocery store to get some cold cuts or some ingredients to make something but I don’t really know what I want to cook. I started my grocery order list and it’s almost $200 again. It was just $100 with just my drinks and the few things I buy every month. I have no idea what is in it now. I know I put some ice cream and cookies on there. I will probably take them off. If I go to the grocery store, I will get the chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream I like. Least it will be something in my stomach.

Because I was up in the middle of the night, I gave my T shot so I don’t have to worry about giving it before leaving the house. It is going to be hard when I get to sleep because I have to leave early. I have therapy at noon. I sent my psych an email about how the psychosis is starting to get out of hand and that I don’t trust the providers without her guiding me. This is so flipping hard. It’s been four months since I last saw my psych and started seeing the therapist. I can’t call the therapist “my” therapist because I don’t trust it 100% yet. I am still waiting for her to drop me. She wanted me to write something about the benefits of going to partial hospital. I don’t have much to say about it. I haven’t been to a partial program in more than 10 years. I didn’t like it then and I doubt I will like it now. I don’t want to go mostly due to financial concerns as well as having to be a morning person. I also would have to worry about how this is going to affect my pain levels by being out a minimum of eight hours a day.

Going to try this thing called sleep. It’s almost 4 am. I got to be up in four hours. Yay.