Tag: psychosis

Grocery Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Grocery day

I had my groceries delivered today. I tried taking them up the stairs by myself but I couldn’t. I had to have my nephew help me. I did way too much and am now paying for it with back spasms and pain. I just hope I didn’t do anything to compromise myself. I am just four weeks post op. I am not supposed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. I was stupid to think carrying the bags was a great idea. I was winded after my first trip up the stairs. Today was warm and muggy which didn’t help me at all. I was sweating like a pig.

I had a late delivery because it was the only time that they had open. I ordered my groceries late because I woke up late yesterday. I was glad there was still open for today. I am resting now with the AC going. I think I will take a nap. I haven’t eaten anything all day except leftovers. It wasn’t really filling. I don’t know what to order. I might order from a local sub shop and have a pastrami sub with fries.

Last night I printed off the skill sheet of DBT that my therapist gave me. I have been trying to do it but doing it in spurts. She never responded to the message I sent her so I am not that keen on doing them daily like she wants me to. I see her Thursday. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist. I had asked for a med increase and he wanted to see me so I agreed. Voices have settled down some. I still have the stupid music running through my head constantly. OMG it is all Hamilton music and it shuffles songs. I am tempted to listen to the soundtrack again to make it stop temporarily. Listening to music tends to hold off on it. It is driving me crazy because it repeats all the time from the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed. All fucking day long I have music in my head. And it plays like I have the MP3 player going. It is annoying but no medication has helped settled it down. It kind of did when I was on a high dose of the Invega. I don’t want to be on a high dose again. Too many side effects that I don’t like. I will stay on the dose I am on now. If it doesn’t work then I will switch to something else. I don’t want to increase it.

I couldn’t find the sub shop so I ordered Chipotle. I haven’t had it in so long. It will be good to have some rice and beans with steak. I love their burrito bowl. It is my favorite next to their actual burrito. I might get it later this week when I get my haircut. I haven’t decided which day I am going to go. Might be Thursday as my therapy appointment is in the late afternoon. I can go in the late morning and still be home in time.

Friday’s Thoughts 25092020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Friday’s thoughts 25092020

I went out for the first time since my surgery. My mother needed an errand done and I volunteered to go so I could go to Starbucks. I had a cloud caramel macchiato and a pumpkin scone, which I will have tomorrow morning for breakfast. It took me a while to get home because I had to take two buses but it was great to get out. I am wicked tired from the outing but that is to be expected. I am still not 100% recovered from surgery and I am definitely deconditioned. It is going to take a while for me to recondition myself to things. Tomorrow I am going out with some friends. We will be ordering from a restaurant and then watching a movie. It should be a good hangout session.

I got in touch with my psychiatrist after I wrote to him this morning about the voices being ramped up. He agreed to increase the Invega to 6 mg a day. He then wants to check in early next week. I had a hard time trying to sleep last night because of pain and insomnia. I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am this morning. My mother woke me up with her request to do the errand. It wasn’t until noon time so I had enough sleep. I am really tired after the outing so I think I am going to try and make it an early night tonight. I am not going to listen to the ballgame. That just gets me excited. I listened to last night’s disaster game until the 4th inning. I had to shut it off as the pitching just fell apart. They lost 13-1 last night, their last home game of the season. There are only three games left in the season for the Sox. I am sad that it is over but glad it is because they really sucked this year. They are in last place, again.

I tried making an appointment with PT today but got their voicemail. I left a message but haven’t heard back. I probably will on Monday. I hope to have the cramp decrease this go round with them. That was one of the reasons why I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept on having cramps in my back and pain. Today I am sore and my lower back is hurting but I think that is from all the walking I did today. My ankle isn’t happy with me either. It started up a couple of hours ago and hasn’t settled down. The pain meds helped some but not all of the pain. Nothing ever takes away all the pain.

I am excited to see my friends tomorrow. It has been nearly a year since I last saw them because of this stupid pandemic. I am glad we are ordering from the restaurant rather than having a sit in it. I am kind of paranoid about being in restaurants these days. If we were going to a restaurant, I probably wouldn’t be seeing my friends. I just don’t want to risk getting infected. I just hope my ankle settles down by the time I wake up tomorrow and I get some decent sleep tonight.

this is me trying

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

This is me trying

I have been having a hard day. I hardly slept. I was able to get to sleep okay last night but I woke up around midnight and found it very difficult to get back to sleep. I got a headache around 4 and I finally took something for it around 5. I then slept until my surgeon’s office called and I was cursing the phone. I didn’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail but man I was not happy. I stayed in bed until my bladder said I had to leave. I used the bathroom and then went back to sleep till around 1pm or so. I have been in a grumpy mood and memories of last year at this time have crept back. I had my last psych hospitalization last year, on International Suicide Prevention day. I made an appointment with my therapist on that day. I find it amazing that I am still alive. I was so sure I was going to die last year. I had such a horrible depression that wasn’t helped by anything.

Today’s pain is mostly in my back and ankle. My ankle got so fricken cold that if felt like it was being cut with sheets of ice. I have thermal socks on now and my ankle still hurts. The ankle bone is throbbing up a storm and the area where it is being sliced is still being sliced. It is so painful. I would take a breakthrough med but I need to hold off on it. I wish I could freely take my meds but I can’t or I will be short by the end of the month and that will be a disaster.

I feel really depressed. I hope next week when I see my psychopharm she prescribes me the citalopram. I don’t want to wait another week because my mood is just awful right now. I didn’t nap this afternoon like I wanted to. I probably would have felt better if I did. I have my T shot tomorrow so I might feel a little bit better. My blood numbers were terrible after surgery. I hope the T can stabilize some of the levels. The novelty of taking shots has worn off. I think it is because of the depression I don’t like doing it anymore. But I am going to be on T the rest of my life. I have not had the mental benefits of T. In a way being on it is its own mental relief because I am taking what I should always have. I want to be on a higher dose so that my beard can come in greater but my doc doesn’t want to increase it due to side effects. I think the benefits outweighs the risks. I don’t see her again till April of next year. I can wait till then to talk to her about it. Hopefully I will meet in person with her by then.

Since coming home from the hospital, my right arm has been bothering me. The vein is inflamed from the IV and it hurts. I asked a doctor what to do about it and she said to put heat compresses on it. I will do that later tonight because it is really bothering me today for some reason. I had a hard time getting comfortable last night. I just couldn’t position my arm so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Hope tonight is better after a heat compress.

trans issues 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Trans issues 10

The following is what I wrote on Twitter last night because I was having a hard time with gender dysphoria and being trans. Sometimes I am ok with calling myself trans and then there are times when I think someone is going to call me out and say no, you are not a boy. This will ultimately shake me to my core. I have been petrified that my therapist or some mental health professional will say to me that I should stop thinking I am male that I am a female. No one has done that. In fact, I have been supported throughout my transition. This doesn’t include my family because they are still getting used to calling me male pronouns and my legal name. They will deadname me at times. My cousins will as well. It is a process and I try to be patient with it all as I know it isn’t easy. But the fear of being forced to be something I am not is so strong within me. I don’t know if it is internalized transphobia or what. My therapist is on vacation so I can’t even ask her. My psychopharm is as well and she is trans. She would know what this is called and probably reassure me that no one will call me out on it.

From Twitter:
Started journaling about my gender dysphoria & other trans issues I am facing. Stuff that I have been reading by a doc I follow has stirred things up. Worse is the transphobic book he is tweeting about. That really plays to my fears. Then I think about whether my therapist can handle me because I am trans. Not just her being gender affirming but actually have experience working with transgender people. I get scared that I will discuss something and it will disgust her. I also have it in my head that someone will say I am not trans and am a girl and should live that way which totally fucks me up because I’ve done that for so long. I’m just a guy that is struggling with my identity and the dysphoria that goes with it. But my fear is that my therapist will say why do I think that I am a male when clearly I am not. She has nor has anyone else said this but I fear it will be said. It hurts me to think that. I really think my suicidality is 90% because I am trans and in the wrong body.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I was in pain and insomnia took over. I got 2 hours sleep in the last 24 hours. I am exhausted. Back is spastic and hurting. I just want to go to sleep. I took some melatonin to see if that helps me sleep because nothing else is working.

I had my anesthesia phone call. The nurse was nice and answered my questions. She is going to send me a message of what meds not to take the day of my surgery, which is next week. I plan on shaving downstairs sometime this week so I don’t have to worry about it next week. I wanted to do it yesterday while I was showering but my back kept spazzing up on me. I hate when I want to do something my back has other plans.