Tag: recurrent major depression with psychotic features

Sunday’s thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday’s thoughts

I woke up feeling shaky again. I just wanted to sleep today but forced myself to sit up and face the day. It is really hot out and I am retreating to my room for most of the day as it is the only place that is cool. I also forced myself to shower. It was quick and I feel better and am much less stinkier. My brother in law is mowing the grass so I am getting whiffs of it. Smells nice on a day like today. I just hope he doesn’t get burnt like he usually does in hot weather.

My back has been spasming since showering. I just took a Zanaflex to calm it down some. I wonder if part of the shakiness is because I stopped taking the Cymbalta a week ago and the antipsychotic in the same week. Hate that these meds have these side effects on you. You really put up with a lot but I guess it is better than being psychotic at times. Right now I would rather feel psychotic than shaky and have uncontrollable hands/arms.

I did my meds for the week. I nearly forgot last week. I don’t understand how I can forget as I do it nearly the same time every week but I guess there is always a chance of forgetting. I don’t even remember what I was doing last week. I just have time go by and I get lost with it. I have been listening to Hamilton’s soundtrack the past week. It is such a good musical. There are like four songs that I have on repeat. Helpless, Satisfied, Burn, and It’s Quiet Uptown. I love these songs. I think they are the best of the best though I woke up with Washington on your side in my head this morning. I have snippets of songs go through my head and I have to listen to the song to get it out of my head.

I can’t take the shakiness anymore. It is driving me nuts. I don’t know why I am feeling so damn shaky. I feel like I am withdrawing from something. I have taken little doses of Cymbalta thinking it is serotonin related but I get no relief. It is awful. I don’t know what this shakiness is about. I am still sore from all the shaking that happened Friday morning. It was awful that I was up all night with side effects and nothing was working. I was alternating Benadryl and Ativan and still wasn’t getting relief. I should have had relief so I think it is part of the Cymbalta withdrawal. I just hope I will be getting better soon.

Today is my blogging anniversary! Happy 8 years!

Thursday’s Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Thursday’s thoughts

I am not thinking of much right now. I have about a half hour before therapy. I nearly slept through my PT appointment. Thank goodness she called me. I glanced at my phone and saw it was 11 but I didn’t get up because I forgot about the appointment. We had it with time to spare. I got three new exercises to do while in bed. That will be good on days I don’t feel like going to the kitchen to do my sitting up and standing ones. She thinks she can improve my stamina while walking. I told her I am thinking of surgery to drain the fluid pocket that is causing me so much trouble. She wants me to think about it and she will be there to help me get back to “normal”, whatever that is. I just know that I don’t want to huff and puff while walking somewhere. If I can accomplish that, I will be in good shape.

Therapy went well. I will be trying a new sleep routine as I have had severe insomnia the past few nights. I hope that I can stick to it. We also talked about how frustrating it is that I am still not better after all this time. And about having possible surgery. She said not to go down the bad thought road as that might make me more susceptible to a bad outcome after surgery. I am trying not to think of this at all but I am facing it as I don’t know if the steroids will work for good this time. I am not sure what will happen after Monday. I am so tempted to just get the MRI and have the talk of surgery. I feel that if I have the MRI and see if the fluid collection gets smaller with this course of steroids. Only side effect I am having is stomach upset. I just take Mylanta when it is bad. It helps. We also talked about my psych. I was expecting her to be judgmental but she wasn’t. I am glad as I was nervous bringing it up. She needs to know that I am in contact with her because there is a chance I will be seeing her again as my psychopharm. I didn’t tell her how my appointment with the NP psychopharm went. I was sworn to confidentiality about what we talked about. It was upsetting and I am not sure she will be sticking around come the fall. I really don’t want to lose another provider but she needs to do what she needs to do.

I need to shower but I haven’t had the energy to take it. I did trim down my beard as it was getting itchy. I wanted to shave it all off but I held back as I would have to shower afterwards. I might do it after I write this blog. I plan on seeing my barber tomorrow so would like my hair to be washed. I also plan on going to Starbucks for a damn mocha. I have been having severe Starbucks withdrawal since the pandemic started and I was in no shape to be traveling to the stores anyway as I was just recovering from surgery. Hell I am still recovering from surgery and it is frustrating as all hell. I just hope PT is able to help me lead a better life than what I am currently experiencing. I can’t take another mishap. Which is why I am not looking forward to another potential surgery in the upcoming weeks. Just really hoping that the steroids work. PT is optimistic that because the steroids are systemic they should work. I hope she is right because I don’t think I can face another surgery.

My step count is at 316. I have 84 steps to make 400 for the day. I think I can do it if I try. I will be going downstairs more. I just been leaving my room to eat and use the bathroom. I haven’t been walking around the house that much. I will later. I am certain I can do 84 steps or more by the end of tonight.

shitty day for therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shitty day for therapy

I had PT this morning. I also had a psychotherapy webinar but it was an hour and a half and that would cut into my PT time so I didn’t go to it. I had PT and my PT gave me a new scale called the Yucko meter. It ranges from 1-10 and you base it on how yucky you feel. I was a 4 by the end of session and had to lay down but I had therapy so I couldn’t. My therapist decided to reschedule the time because I felt shitty about 15 minutes into session. I liked that she cared enough to reschedule because I was feeling so crappy but at the same time I felt terrible that it had to happen. I rescheduled for Thurs. I have PT that day but the time for therapy is a few hours later so I can rest. I do have to have 400 steps every day in between sessions. I got more than half that right now.

I goofed with my pain meds. I was supposed to call in a refill for my pain meds last week but I totally forgot and now I don’t have meds. I put the request in last night so I should hear back sometime today. It is raining heavily right now and supposed to be storms all afternoon. I feel it in my ankle so I won’t get my prescription today if it gets called in. I will pick it up tomorrow. It is supposed to be hot and muggy all week. I hate it already. Least the rain is cooling things off a little bit right now. I have been running my AC all weekend. I will have to give it a break soon so it doesn’t frost up.

Tomorrow morning I see my neurologist via virtual visit. Then I have my psychopharm visit. I have to tell my psychopharm that I stopped taking the duloxetine because of stomach upset. The reflux was too much for me to handle. It was especially bad at night. I haven’t been eating much the past few days because I have no appetite. Yesterday I just had Ensure and a bowl of cereal. Today I ate a little better. I had a piece of chicken cutlet and some French toast. I got the hungry horrors today probably because I had gaba last night. My ankle pain was out of control last night. It took all that I had to control it. In the end I took Benadryl to sleep as it was after midnight.

I layed down after therapy was over. I didn’t sleep, I just laid there listening to classical music. I still feel shitty. My head feels so fuzzy. I am definitely a 7 on the yucko meter. I should be laying down and resting but I don’t feel like it. I am so aggravated that this is beyond my control and that I have to literally do nothing but rest in order to feel better. I wanted to get my haircut this week but that doesn’t seem likely. I have too many appointments this week. I wanted to go Wed but I don’t think I can because I have testing done in the morning. Urology finally called me and set up urodynamic testing. I have that Wed morning. I am back to being busy with doctor appointments. My psych wants a zoom meeting but she hasn’t responded yet with a time and date. I half want to message her and say can it be next week as I am so booked up. I am tired just looking at my schedule. I don’t have to leave the house for any of the appointments but still, the mental energy I have to put in them is tiring.

I was able to brush my teeth today. I used my electric toothbrush, which dropped toothpaste on my shirt. I had to change shirts. I still need to wash my face. I am mustering up the energy for that. My back has already started to act up on me. I don’t know if I can stand that long to wash. I got a huge headache still so I really don’t think it is going to happen. Maybe this evening.

I got to lay down again so I will stop here. I wish I didn’t feel so shitty.

PT is exhausting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

PT is exhausting

I went to PT today and it wore me out. I started having symptoms of CSF leak and that kind of got my PT worried. She made sure that I was ok before I left and gave me two bottles of water to drink so I was hydrated. I had only drunk coffee, nothing else so I probably was a little dehydrated. I was so fatigued. I can’t even describe it. I came home and made lunch. Then I laid down. I took a nap until my med alarm went off for my 4 pm meds. I took them and went back to sleep afterwards only to wake up again to my night med alarm. I am really wiped out. I didn’t too much today but apparently, I did enough. I am supposed to go up to 400 steps a day. I will do that tomorrow.

I really haven’t done much since coming home. I made a sandwich for dinner. Someone has been eating my hamburger rolls so I need to get some more. I have been using them for my sandwiches. It is a good bread. I like it a lot. I might get some more if my bro in law goes this weekend.

I did something to my right arm. It fell asleep and it still hasn’t woken up properly. I can’t make curls as it hurt and I can’t bring my arm towards me without pain. I don’t know what I did. I hope it gets better. I would be sleeping or laying down but I had to take some Miralax. I don’t want to lay down after drinking that stuff as it could come up on me. I have had it before and it doesn’t taste good coming back up. I hate reflux. Been dealing with gas pains the past two days. It has been awful. I don’t know why I have gas so bad. It could be because I am constipated. It has been more than three days since I last went. I hate being constipated. Just another fucking thing to keep track of. I have been having a hard time keeping track of when I void. I know it had been a while because I slept and when I woke up I didn’t pee. Then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up again, I didn’t pee. I forced myself to go pee and luckily I went. I am not sure if I emptied completely but I don’t care. As long as I went I am good. I am nervous about the urodynamic testing. They will test me and I hope I can pee but sometimes my bladder is stubborn and won’t go. It also gets shy so I hope I can go and prove that there has been improvement since the surgery. I was expecting to hear from the secretary today but I didn’t hear from her. I will try and call her tomorrow. Hope that I will get through without waiting for 10 mins like last time. The wait is so long.

I read one chapter of my book. It was all I could read today. I got too anxious to read anymore. I hate when that happens. I could have read half a chapter. But with me feeling woozy, I didn’t feel like it. I will read more tomorrow.