Tag: recurrent major depression with psychotic features

Saturday Blog 16052020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 16052020

I took a shower today. I felt like I needed one after sweating most of the night because my room was hot. We had thunderstorms last night so I had to shut my window, which I did right before the torrential downpour. It was good timing on my part. The rains started an hour after they were supposed to start so I had waited long enough. I really just wanted to go to sleep. I woke up at 4 am to use the bathroom and then was in pain until pain meds calmed it down enough so I could go back to sleep. I slept till around noon. It was nice.

I didn’t do anything else today. I want to start a new book but I don’t know which one to read. I want to start the Marsha Linehan memoir but I don’t know where it scurried off to. I put it in a “place I remembered” and of course forgot where that is. I will go looking for it after I write this blog. It probably is just under some stuff that have fallen.

I am kind of in a depressed mood. I keep thinking of how limited I am in my recovery. I know I said I showered and that was laborious. I was so tired afterwards I just wanted to sleep. My back was cramping big time and it still is cramping. I can’t seem to calm it down and it’s just like things are always going to be this way. It is getting me down. I am having trouble keeping in mind that I am still recovering from surgery. It has been two months almost. I think I really need to be back in PT but with the covid restrictions I don’t think I can right now. I also don’t know if it is safe to do so with the fluid build up in my back, which could be why I am hurting so much. I just wish I had enough pain medication to cover the amount of pain I am in. I think I am going to ask my pcp for an increase in dose. Worse he could say is no, which will probably be the answer anyways.

If I can’t find the Linehan book, I just bought a history book on Reagan and Gorbachev on the Cold War. I am interested in how that came about. I hope it is a good book. It isn’t too long so I am looking forward to reading it if I can’t find the memoir. I just need to find a bookmark. Think I will try and find the CRPS ones that I bought a few months ago. Those are nice and sturdy. I got them from a UK organization. They have some good information about the condition on Twitter and FB. I don’t remember the name of it off the top of my head but if I do, I will post a pic of the bookmark on my next post.

did too much and paying for it

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Did too much and paying for it

Yesterday I did grocery shopping and showered. Today I went to the pharmacy because I forgot to go yesterday. It was hard. I walked half way there only to realize I left my mask at home so I had to walk back. I had to rest because I was short of breath. I got my meds and then collapsed when I came home. I have been sick since 11 am. I have tried to keep up with eating and hydrating but it has been difficult. My bladder is giving me signs it is not completely healed. I have been experiencing some hesitancy to go and then some starting and stopping when I do go. I am frustrated. I then had to go again an hour later and I had a full bladder when I cathed. So I can’t rely on voiding anymore. I usually cath at least three times a day but now it might have to be more. We’ll see. It is still early and I am still drinking to keep myself hydrated but it is hard when I am not thirsty.

I got headaches, palpitations, and high heart rate going on. I have been lying flat but I couldn’t stay down. I was too antsy. I should have taken an Ativan to calm down. I think I have to drug myself in order to get the much needed rest I need to get rid of the fluid. My friend said that it is like a bruise. Another person said that I need a drain. If I have to have surgery, I think that is what is going to happen. I am kind of scared of surgery because I already have arachnoiditis and I don’t want it to get worse or add to what I have. I am starting to have immune response to surgery and that isn’t good. Arachnoiditis is sort of like an immune response to surgery. My friend said that it will not go away. I am stuck with it but I need good pain control. Trouble is with Covid, I am not going to be able to see the new pain staff my pcp wants me to see and I know that I need an increase in pain medication. I don’t want to switch meds. I just want to increase what I have as the non-opioids are not doing much for me in terms of pain control. I have been on a stable dose of meds and just haven’t had too much relief except for the extra I take when pain is really bad. It really isn’t an “extra” as I don’t have much room to take more than I need on any given day. I hate that I sometimes have to ration my meds because otherwise I will run out before I can get a refill. It isn’t all the time that this happens. But with recovering from surgery, I have been in more pain than expected.

I want to write more but I need to lay down. Head is pounding and vision keeps getting blurred. I think if this keeps up I might have to go to the ER. I hope not but I don’t like these symptoms I am having and my gut is telling me something serious is wrong.

Ran out of spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder

Last night I called it cousin and he asked if I needed anything. I said I needed to go food shopping so he said he would take me today. So I went. Then I went to the post office to drop off a package. Came home put the groceries away. Then showered. After the shower, I made something to eat. Spoons were totally used up and then some by this time. I was hurting big time. Back was in spasms. And I got a headache. I needed to lay down so around 3 I did. I rest for about 50 mins when my med alarm went off for my afternoon/evening med. I stayed up for a little while and then I had to lay down again. My head hurt so bad and still does despite taking tylenol.

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I didn’t go to bed till 4 am or after. I was afraid I would have weird dreams and I did wake with some weird ass dream again. They just creep me out more than scare me. Half the time I awake and shake my head at the weirdness of it all. It might make sense in the dream but it doesn’t make sense when you wake up.

Last night around midnight I started thinking of suicide and how I would do it. I texted my therapist and told her she needs to ask what my level is from now on. She asked me if this was a comment or a request. WTF seriously? I didn’t have to say anything. I could have just kept my mouth (and fingers) quiet. I already had planned this out before. Today I was reminded of a tweet I wrote in Dec, “I just realized with my “proposed” plan, I could finish what I started 25 years ago. Question is what do I have worth living for today I didn’t have back then?”

If I am conscious at my next therapy session, I will ask my therapist if I have a life worth living. Because right now, I don’t feel I do.

We Were

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

We were

This song was playing when I started typing so I thought I would share it. It is a song by Keith Urban and called We Were. I really love this song. It is on his new album, which I am not sure has come out or not. There are a few artists that I haven’t gotten their new stuff yet. I know he is one and Blake Shelton is the other.

Surgeon got back to me finally. I am to manage the tachy and headaches with rest but still try and walk around. If this continues, then it needs to be explored surgically. So I am done complaining about this matter. No way I am going back under.

There is another song that I am listening to right now by David Nail. It is called Oh Mother and it deals with the depression that he suffers from. It is a beautiful song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j01POMsqQGU

Back has been bothering me most of the day today. And my ankle too. I have taken my BT meds and some Zanaflex for the spasms. It helped a little bit. I am still in pain. I wanted to take a nap this afternoon but I kept on dreaming weird shit so I couldn’t doze off. I was too afraid of what I might dream.

I have been in a sucky mood for most of the afternoon and early evening. I just feel so depressed and the surgeon’s reply made me feel more depressed. I asked him if being on steroids again would stop the need for surgery. I really don’t want to go under the knife again. But I also don’t want to be walking around places with my heart beating rapidly and then become short of breath.