Tag: recurrent major depression

Christmas 2020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2020

I have had a good few days. I had a good day today despite my foot and ankle flaring right now. I spent too much time in my slippers. My mother is still in the hospital. She is probably going to be there for some time. I don’t think they are going to let her home until they know she can be safe from falls. My sisters and I have tested negative from Covid so we have been celebrating this small victory in this hellish year.

I got the new Taylor Swift album evermore CD and am in love with it. I think it is one of her best CDs. I talked about her music with my therapist yesterday. We talked a lot about music yesterday. She scoffed that I like Taylor but I don’t care. I will always like Taylor. She is one of my favorite artists. I told her I like Bon Jovi too and she liked that. And of course she likes him too. So we have something in common.

I took a shower today. I needed to take one as I was really starting to smell. I am going to try and take one every other day like I use to but it has been so hard to do so. I think if it wasn’t so tiring I would be taking them more frequently. It is just a mental hassle as well as physical. I still take a selfie after I shower because my hair does funky things when it is towel dried. It is never the same. My hair just does whatever the hell it wants. I don’t really care unless I am going out. Then it is usually a baseball hat on.

Even though I have had a good day, I am feeling sad. I am just feeling really depressed. I don’t know why. I think it might be because my pain levels are high at the moment. I have been listening to evermore and for some reason my MP3 player separated the featured songs and wasn’t playing them. Sucks. I had to manually add the songs to the playlist.

I have been thinking of shaving my beard off. It is getting unruly. I might trim it. I don’t know. I never know what to do with it. I like playing with the hairs. I will make a decision the next time I shower.

covid strikes again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Covid strikes again

My mother has been ill the past few weeks. Last night she took a fall around 3 am and was very sore this morning. She had a doctor’s appointment but didn’t want to go because she couldn’t walk. My sister told her we would take her to the emergency room. In the end, we called an ambulance as she didn’t want to go down the stairs. She was feeling too awful. They tested her at the hospital as her O2 sats were low and she tested positive for Covid. I got tested today so should have it back in a day or two. My mother is hospitalized because of her oxygen levels and because of a biomarker for her heart that is indicating heart problems. She has stress on her heart and they are worried about that. She also has pneumonia and fluid in her lungs. I have been a nervous wreck all day thinking about her.

As I said earlier, I got tested. It was fairly quick at the center I went to. I was glad because I didn’t have to wait too long. I called my PCP’s office to tell them what is going on as I have an appointment next week to get my shoulder looked at. It has been bothering me for weeks now and is not getting better. The tension in my neck and shoulders is quite painful. I might have to have a virtual visit but then they offered me an appointment to see someone in the Covid section of the hospital so I might do that. I don’t know what to do. I said I would call tomorrow when my test results come back. Tomorrow is my birthday. I hope it will be negative but I have been around my mother all this time without a mask on so we’ll see. I feel okay. I don’t have symptoms. I have been tired but it is my usual tired.

I am still in the partial program. I had today off because I thought I would be watching my mother as she had a doctor’s appointment that I was going to go with her to. But turns out I just worried about her from home. Tomorrow I will be going back to the program. It will be my birthday and the first time that my mother will be in the hospital. I told my sisters we can celebrate it when she is home.

I just talked to my mother. She sounded tired and the nurse said she needs her rest so my sister is calling everyone. I talked with her for a little bit. I am glad. I was so worried. She is in a room now and soon she will have dinner. I hope she eats something.

listening to the 80s

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Listening to 80s

I felt like listening to Pandora today so just turned it on and 80s music started playing so I will keep it on that. I love the 80s. I had coffee and I am somewhat energized. I haven’t decided what I am going to do today. I need to go to the grocery store for half and half and coffee. I might go this afternoon. My back is still bothering me from trying to find this book that I just ordered another copy of. Fuck it. I still got to go to the bank and deposit some money so my account isn’t overdrawn.

My allergies are bad today. I keep clearing my throat and coughing to clear it. I hate when I am so congested in the morning. Makes me gag. Brushing my teeth was fun. I am sucking on a cough drop to sooth my throat. My sister is out of quarantine Tues. I can’t wait. She must be so bored.

I need to shower today. I smell. I need to be better about showering as I have just been showering once a week for a while now. I used to shower every other day but I have let it lapse. I just seem to shower when I can’t stand the feel of my hair anymore. I have a full beard now so I need to wash it or it gets itchy. I have decided to keep it for now. I like it. I just wish the tiny bald spot would grow hair. It is one of the reasons I have to not keep the beard.

My back is still bothering me from looking for the book last night. I don’t think it would be wise for me to go out today. I don’t want to get stuck while out like I did before. I will just get upset. But the only priority today is to shower. Just hope my back doesn’t crap out on me. It is really bothering me right now. I just want to lie down and rest. I am getting hungry but I don’t feel like making something to eat. I haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday. I only had Ramen noodles all day and some pretzels. I don’t really know what to eat. I want to make a chicken sandwich but for some reason it is nauseating me so I don’t want to eat anything. I might make a fluffernutter. It is a sandwich with peanut butter and fluff (marshmallow crème).

The one self-care thing I absolutely hate is nail cutting. I swear my nails grow superfast and I feel like I am cutting them every week. I hate it. I hate toe nail cutting more. My sister just came up with food so I don’t have to worry about it for now. Yay! I will have some in a little while.

Saturday Blog 12122020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 12122020

I’ve had a rough day. I can’t seem to get going. I woke up with hunger, which is unusual so I had some ramen noodles as that was what I was wanting. I got the download link to One Night Lonely with Mary Chapin Carpenter but I haven’t been able to download it to my phone so that my MP3 recognizes it. It is stuck in dropbox app and I don’t remember how to “free” the songs. I have to google it I guess.

I had partial yesterday and a meeting with the therapist which felt good to talk to him. He validated a lot of what I was going through and is willing to have a reduced schedule for me because of my pain. I will go three days a week and go to 3 groups. I haven’t decided if I will do that. I am going to give it one more full day to see how I do. It is tiring even though it is on virtual. I can’t say I am learning a lot because it is a lot of old stuff through the years being brought up once again, with the distress tolerance and wise mind and mindfulness. All DBT stuff I have learned before.

The therapist and I talked about how I was really feeling and I honestly told him how I felt. It felt good to finally tell someone that pain is again causing me to be so miserable. It was good telling someone that this might not work for me because of pain and he understood this to be a barrier in treatment.

I did have a good session with my therapist Thursday afternoon. She thinks trauma is the reason I get suicidal and depressed because I am not dealing with it. I thought about what she said and it made sense. I told her let’s work on it then but she thinks I don’t have the coping skills to deal with it right now. We are going to give a few weeks of partial a shot and then go from there. She is on vacation in a couple of weeks so it might not be until the new year that we work on this. I have no idea what it entails. I am tempted to read my “trauma and recovery” book that I got in college but I don’t know where it is right now. I think it is in the basement with my other books from my office. I just tried to find the book but it isn’t there so I don’t know where it is. I will just order another copy.

Trauma has been something I have stayed away with in therapy for a long time. It was something I never thought I needed to go through. Seems like now I got to face it and I am not sure I can do it. I just hope my therapist doesn’t refer me to a trauma specialist because I won’t go through with it. I don’t want to see two therapists for basically the same problem.

I’m listening to Taylor Swift’s folklore again. I want to get the new album but I have to deposit money in my account. I will probably do that tomorrow. My favorite song on this album is exile. It is a duet and it is so good. I have it on repeat right now.