Tag: recurrent major depression

haircut and shower exhausted me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Haircut and shower exhausted me

I had some energy this morning so I decided to get my haircut. When I came home I showered and now I am exhausted. I went to Starbucks for my mocha and something to eat. While walking back to the barber shop, I got winded and it took a while for me to catch my breath. I thought I was over covid but I guess not. It has been five months and I am still experiencing some side effects of the illness. Please, if you are reading this and haven’t been vaccinated, please get the shot.

I have been feeling depressed and my sleep has been awful. I was up most of the night. I just couldn’t sleep. It is pay week and I am worried about my finances. I already messed up and am overdrawn on my checking account. I thought I could pay all my bills with one check and I can’t. I need the supplemental pay I get from my long term disability claim to help with my bills. I still need to pay my cell phone and cable bill. I get paid tomorrow from the LTD so I won’t be in the negative but I will be down a hundred bucks. I should have some money to pay my sister back for the loan she gave me.

My therapist responded to the message I sent her about how to proceed in therapy. I asked her if we could just free associate rather than stick with a topic because I just am not motivated to work on my trauma right now. She said that we could do that if that will bring me in. I honestly was thinking of canceling next week’s session because I see it as pointless. I just am not really in the mood to talk about stuff. I just feel kind of stuck and don’t want to do anything. I have been reading so my concentration hasn’t been affected. My appetite has been sort of ok. I am eating less than what I should be eating. The other day all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure for the entire day. I just am not eating calories to get through the day. I am drinking fluids though because I have to make sure my bladder is empty every four hours, two if I drink coffee. I am so frustrated with the discharge. I am glad I am seeing the surgeon tomorrow because I can’t take wearing pads anymore. It has been five weeks that I have been wearing it and they are starting to irritate me.

My neurologist granted my request for lidocaine patches for my nerve pain on my thigh. I am so glad. I had a box of them but they expired years ago so I had to toss them. I am going to try and put them on my shin where most of my pain is most days. I don’t know if it will work because the skin is so sensitive it might hurt. I can no longer where socks that are thigh high. The elastic hurts me.

I have an easy week next week with just one appointment to see my therapist. I just put some money on my T pass so I might go to Starbucks to read or write while having my mocha. I meant to bring a book today but I forgot. It’s hard when I don’t carry a bag. I forget things. I am so tired. I think I am going to take a nap and then make a black bean burger for lunch/dinner. Hope I can sleep and not have weird fucking dreams. Last night I dreamt I was with my cousins and was laying in their bed after they made it. I don’t remember the reason I was there. But it was just weird.

five weeks post op and in bad mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Five weeks post op and in bad mood

Last night my foot/ankle started hurting with stabbing pains. It continues into today. I am in a rotten mood. I read a chapter and a half of Enemy of the People. It is helping to distract me in a weird way. I don’t feel like coloring yet but it is on my agenda. I just feel so poorly. I emptied my bladder and now I have abdominal pain and I just can’t cope. So I decided to write.

I sent my therapist a message. I asked her if I could show up without being productive. Not sure how she will respond to the question. I really don’t feel like going to therapy. I know I should because I am very depressed but I just don’t feel like talking if there has to be an agenda in session. I am not motivated to be productive right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I think that is the fucking job of a therapist to do, not create a plan for session.

I am full of melancholy. My thoughts are dark again. The CRPS pain isn’t helping my mood. I keep thinking I will be better off dead. My appetite has been poor. I managed to heat up some quiche for lunch. I had it with coffee that I didn’t even finish. Yesterday all I had was a yogurt and an Ensure. I just haven’t been hungry. I was thinking of ordering roast beef today but not sure I will. Maybe for dinner.

I still have some crap on my pad. I don’t see the doc until Friday morning. I set two alarms so I get up. Waking up in the morning has been extremely hard the past few days. I was able to brush my teeth this morning and have a cup of coffee while my sister was here. She just came back from her trip to Europe. She gave me some funny socks. While I was cooking the quiche, I shaved my head. I might shower today. Sometimes that helps to make my mood better.

My pain just jumped. I just took some more pain meds with an Ativan as I am wicked anxious and overwhelmed. I guess I am not showering as that would take too much energy and might cause more pain. My pain doc would not like that I am taking Ativan with my pain meds but I don’t give a fucking shit what she thinks. I have been taking them both for years and I am still here so there.

I wish I was seeing the surgeon tomorrow rather than Friday. I hate wearing underwear and a pad. I want to wear my boxers again. They are more comfortable. Every day there is discharge and I can’t stand it. That along with the stupid abdominal pain from my bladder is just driving me nuts. I have no one to talk to about it. I just feel so alone right now. Least my incision has healed up and isn’t open anymore. I was worried I was going to get an infection there. It will hurt if I press on it though so I don’t do that.

writing on a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.

Sunday Blog 12092021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 12092021

I’ve had a lazy day today. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and struggled getting back to sleep. I woke back up around 5 but for some reason I didn’t get up. I just turned over and went back to sleep. I got up at seven to have coffee and drain my bladder. I have been on a four hour schedule and it has been going pretty well so far. I have been drinking a lot because I want my veins to be good for tomorrow’s MRI. I have been having abdominal pain all day despite being good on emptying my bladder. I used a hot pack that the hospital gave me post op. It helped a little bit. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol. I don’t want to take the BT med if I don’t have to.

My neighbor had a BBQ and my brother in law brought over some food. I had some pork and a potato that was very good. I love potatoes and this was like a double baked/grilled thing. It was so good. I had made a fluffernutter for dinner so I am glad I had some protein so I won’t be hungry later.

I am still having yellow discharge so I sent a message to my surgeon about it. I don’t know if this is normal or if I still have an infection. I just hope I don’t have to call because I never get anyone on the damn phone. I always get someone’s voicemail. So annoying. I haven’t been wearing boxers, just female underwear and a pad. I hope I don’t have to see the surgeon again after she said see you in four weeks. That will suck. But I don’t want this to turn into something bad either.

I shaved my head and face today. I trimmed the goatee to a stubble and then shaved around it. I also trimmed my mustache because the hairs were making my nose itch. I can forget about a thick mustache. It would be too itchy for me.

I set my alarm for 0700 tomorrow morning so I will be up in time to have coffee and breakfast before my MRI appointment. I am kind of nervous. I have to remember to take with me my meds so that I can lie on the table comfortably. Otherwise I get up and I can’t really move for a few minutes because my back hurts a lot. I just got to remember to bring water with me. I just put the meds in a travel pill box and put it in my bag so I don’t forget. Trick is going to be to remember the water. I always forget it when I leave the house.

I have ten dollars left on my T pass. I will have to put more money on it when I get paid next. Tomorrow should be my last travel day unless I need to go to the square for something. I do need to get cheese for my mother. I might get some burgers, too as I will be at the butchers. Oh and some steak! It will have to be Tuesday when I go because Monday I have therapy after my MRI and I don’t have time to shop. I need to catch the bus home. I think if I time it right, I might have therapy on my front porch. It will be a good day to sit outside some and have some fresh air. No one will bother me as it is pretty quiet.

I can’t believe how much pain I am in right now. I don’t know if it is my bowels or just the surgical area. I haven’t moved my bowels since Friday. I have been taking the Miralax but that isn’t always reliable. I didn’t take it today because I don’t want to be shitting tomorrow at unknown times. I used to be able to go in the morning soon after I wake up but that hasn’t been the case lately. I also don’t know if the pain is because of the discharge or not. I sent a message to my surgeon today to ask about it. I figure if they check the messages first thing in the morning my message will be right there for them to see. I messaged my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from him so I sent the same message again. I don’t see him till Oct, which really sucks. I am approaching eight weeks that I have been on Pristiq. I haven’t noticed any change with my mood. My pain has been less but that is usually the case after I have surgery. I think I have had only two flares during my recovery so far. Right now my ankle and foot is calm. Pain is like a 2 as it is throbbing just a little bit. But the nerve pain in my thigh has been horrendous. That is still ongoing. I am glad I got an MRI this quickly. I just hope I don’t have to see my neurosurgeon again. That will suck big time. I don’t really want another back surgery.

I took my meds a little while ago. I think taking them might help with the pain a little bit. I just took some BT meds because I am so uncomfortable. I hope the discharge is just leftover from the infection I had and not something new. I really don’t want to be on antibiotics again, especially that flagyl I was taking. It was horrible. I had to take it fast before it melted in my mouth with the bitterness. Yucko.

Red Sox got beat by the White Sox today in the ninth inning. I am so disappointed. We are tied for the wild card. It is our only chance of making it to the post season. We are playing Seattle next. These will be west coast games which means late starting times. I might just have to check the scores in the morning because I am not going to stay up till 2 am listening to the game.