Tag: recurrent major depression

random thoughts 05082020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Random thoughts 05082020

I went to buy some dark chocolate today and was rewarded with Godiva ganache hearts, which is the best of the best dark chocolate. It is so fricken good. I bought two packages. I could have bought all four that were there but I didn’t want to be greedy. I came home and I was exhausted. I made a bacon burger for lunch and then tried to nap but couldn’t sleep. I had coffee before I went to the store and it just made me tired. Tomorrow I might go to Starbucks before therapy and get a macchiato. I am in love with their Caramel Cloud Macchiato. It is so good. I think that will be good for me to go out. I am getting cabin fever staying inside all the time.

I wanted to shave and shower today but I am just too tired. Plus my ankle has been acting up so standing is an issue. I will try to do it tomorrow before therapy. I don’t know if my therapist has decided to meet twice a week because I am off my meds or what. But we have been the past week. If I end up seeing her Monday, I will know she really is concerned about me. I sent her a message that I thought made sense but when I read it, it didn’t make any sense whatsoever. Have no idea when I sent it. I think it was in the early morning hours when I couldn’t sleep the other night. I should have written what I wanted to and be done with it but my brain went a different direction.

Sox are playing now. I don’t care to listen to the game. They are playing at the Trop and I hate that ballpark. Sox are off tomorrow. Two of my favorite players are not playing tonight because they are in slumps. Both are left handed hitters and tonight’s pitcher was a lefty so I understand why they gave them the night off but it sucks because there are only so many games. The sox are not doing well anyways. I think their record is like 4-11. Least it was the last I checked. It has been good baseball has been back but it isn’t the same without fans at the game. The noise level isn’t the same and the energy the fans bring is obviously not there. Kind of sad.

I really like Taylor’s new album. My stupid phone only downloaded 14 of the 16 so I had to manipulate the settings to get the two songs I was missing. Of course one of them would be the number one song in the top 100 hits. I am so happy she made history by being the first artist to be number one on Top 100 Hits and Billboard’s 200. I have a feeling she will be there for a while. This is such a good album.

I hope I sleep tonight. Last night I woke up to pee at like 0330 and couldn’t go back to sleep till 5ish. It did me in as I was tired for most of the day. My level of depression has been high today. Gender dysphoria has been in high gear the past few days. I really hate my body right now and I don’t want to grow facial hair until I get my top surgery done, which is going to take some doing. I feel stuck and I guess I am as I can’t move forward with my transition until I lose weight. I don’t think it is fair that I have to lose weight to lose the things on my chest. It makes me so depressed. I hate being in this body and what is worse is that I have grown hair on my chest so I have hairy breasts. Totally fucks with me. Part of me wonders if I will be alive long enough to have this surgery. Right now I feel like I will be better off dead than continue to live the way that I am living right now.

you wrecked my whole world when you came…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

you wrecked my whole world when you came

The title is from Luke Combs Hurricane song. I have been listening to it on repeat because he got married yesterday to his long time girlfriend. I am so damn happy for him.

I don’t know what is going on with my stomach but I got the fricken runs for the third day in a row. I have been trying to keep up with Powerade but it has been tough trying to drink. I have been trying to drink every twenty minutes or so but I keep forgetting. I think I got to put a timer on so I can stay hydrated. I really don’t want to go to the ED for dehydration.

I had therapy today. She gave me a list of three things to do before our next appointment this week. I know she is concerned now because she is seeing me twice this week. I am to make a playlist, a puppy/kitten slideshow, and eat chocolate. I don’t have chocolate so I will have to buy some when I go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. My NP has agreed to put me back on sertraline for now. I just hope it doesn’t make me sick. I figure I have at least two months before the nausea/reflux will start. I haven’t told my therapist yet. I will when I see her on Thurs.

After therapy I went to the Square. I stopped in Starbucks for a drink. I got a cloud caramel macchiato. It was so good. Then I went to the butcher shop to get steak and burgers. If I feel up to it, I will make turkey bacon for my burger. I don’t think I have sandwich pickles anymore. I miss having them for the burgers. I will use dill relish instead. Not the same but close to it.

I have been dealing with a low key depression since therapy. I just feel deflated, like all the air has been sucked out of me. Doesn’t help that I keep having anxiety attacks where I feel like I can’t breathe. I have to remember to breathe by taking deep breaths. One of the mental health Twitter accounts I follow showed the box breathing method that my therapist showed me a few weeks ago. I have been using it on and off. It is kind of tricky because you got to hold the inhale and exhale breaths for four seconds. I half want to take an Ativan to calm myself but I don’t want to be medicated during the day.

Sox are off tonight. They lost last night because of my *favorite* pitcher fucked up a pitch to the fugly Aaron Judge. He was so hot last night. He hit two homeruns and got a few more hits. I hate the Skankees so much. They swept us.

I got to find a meditation thing that I like. The last two that I have tried I didn’t like and I know there are thousands so I just got to keep searching. It is so hard though when you are struggling to try and find something because it just gets annoying. I rather listen to music anyway than do meditation.

a little of this and that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A little of this and that

I have been bordering on the edge of crying all day today. My emotions have been all over the place. I haven’t cried yet but it is there. I am listening to Taylor’s new album, Folklore. It is beautifully crafted. I love all the songs. I can’t believe I haven’t written about this till now. I am a huge Taylor fan (if you been following me for a few years you know this). I didn’t like her album lover as much as I thought I would but this one, blows the socks out of the water. I am so in love with this album. There is no song that I have skipped nor want to. I don’t have a favorite song yet. There are three in the mix, maybe five. I am still learning the names of the songs. It takes me a long time to learn a new album’s names and there are a lot of songs on this album so it is going to take a while.

I had therapy yesterday. My therapist is concerned now that I am not on medication. She feels that eventually she will have to hospitalize me because she fears a deterioration in my mood. I hope this doesn’t happen. She is having a check in with me on Monday to see how I am. Mentally I am not doing well. I know this but I am worried that she is worried.

I had a shit day so far today, literally. I lost control of my bowels this morning. What a fucking mess. I had to shower afterwards. There was no getting around it. I had my mother look at my backside to see if I got everything. Then I had her give me a beach towel so I could shower. My sister was kind enough to yell at me for not emptying the garbage bag in the bathroom. I thought that was nice of her.

I haven’t been keeping up with fluids today and I feel it. I feel so out of sorts its not funny. I am just completely worn out. I went to get my haircut after therapy yesterday. I got a caramel cloud macchiato. It was so good. I miss going there regularly. They have the seating all blocked off. It is sad for the times.

I have been weepy the past three days but I haven’t cried. It is like it is building but I can’t get relief. I am so depressed. I wish I knew why but I don’t. I feel like I am just going to lose it one of these days. I am so tired of being depressed. I am off medication, which is why my therapist is concerned about me. I won’t go back on meds unless I am in worse shape. There really is nothing for me to take. I have been on everything. I might go back on Zoloft if I have to go back on meds. I don’t know what I will do if the voices come back. I don’t know if I want to go back on the Invega. I might switch to something else.

My surgeon’s secretary got back to me today. Surgery is scheduled for the 27th of Aug. Four weeks I will know if this is going to work for me. In the meantime I am still going to get headaches and shit when I do things. I am so tired I think I am going to lay down and hope I can sleep.

another day of excessive heat

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Another day of excessive heat, another day in my room

I wish I had energy to go with being cooped up in my room. I might actually get some stuff done but I have no energy. I again didn’t sleep or slept with weird dream of masks, gaming, and social distancing. I dreamt weird things and the dreams seemed to go on forever, like I was stuck in them unable to break free.

I finally got my pain meds from the pharmacy. My brother in law picked it up for me. I am back to being medicated. The barometric pressure hasn’t really been up nor down but the humidity is what has been bringing about pain waves. My ankle has been so sore. It has been alternating with severe pain. I need to wash my face and neck and chest because I have a fricken breakout. I woke up with three zits per side of my next and my chest is just a disaster. I got two under the skin zits that hurt so bad on my face where my beard was. I had to shave it off. I feel cleaner now and less sweaty.

Ankle has started up. I shouldn’t have said anything about it a little while ago. Feels like someone is digging in the side of ankle right at the joint. No matter what position I put it in, it hurts. CRPS is a bastard. So I am trying to write another blog for the second day in a row in wicked bad pain. Yesterday I was able to write without pain and more than 1100 words. My word count right now is 276 so I have some typing to do. I just don’t know if it is worth it. I feel so down with every blow of pain my ankle is giving me. And it isn’t just my ankle. The foot is also hurting. Feels like someone is trying to grab the metatarsal bones out from where they lay and rip them out.

I need a haircut. I wanted to get it done Friday but hell was unleashing so I stayed in. I was really tired that day anyway. Today is Sunday so my barber is off. I will try and get my hair cut tomorrow. Might be a sacrifice to the heat gods. I got another heat advisory warning and nearly died. WTF is it going to cool down??!! I am staying in my room until it is cooler. The house wouldn’t be bad if we had AC but we don’t so it’s murder. I am really struggling to write today because of pain. I just can’t get a clear head. I ended up washing my face and chest because I wanted to put the acne stuff on them. My neck has zits too, which hurt. I hate when they are on nerves. I just want to sleep right now. It is almost med time so I will wait until then to turn in. I have been turning in early the past few nights but it hasn’t helped me sleep better. I just have weird dreams about Covid and masks.

I am hoping to get called from uro to have urodynamic studies done. I called last week but no one returned my call. I also put in a referral for the pain clinic seeing as things are opening. If not then maybe I will get a virtual visit with someone. My ankle has been a real pain lately and if I can get a handle on the pain I can increase my physical activity once this hell has frozen over. I am not leaving my room except to use the bathroom and eat. And shower possibly, which will be the goal tomorrow.