Tag: recurrent major depression

sneeze attack

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sneeze attack

I woke up this morning with a strong urge to pee around 745 so got up and did my business. I was thankful no one was in the bathroom because I don’t think I would have been able to hold it. I came back to my room and took my morning meds. I then went to lay down to go back to sleep when I got a sneeze attack. I must have sneezed like 10 times in a row. It really woke me up so I decided to have coffee. I had my belVita biscuits and my mother called them cookies. I don’t care. I have been eating them nearly every day for weeks now. I have bought different flavors and really love the Golden Oat. They keep me full for a couple of hours before lunch anyway.

Yesterday I didn’t want to do a damn thing but that was not meant to be. I had an early morning bowel accident which caused me to have to shower to get clean. I felt really bad but I just couldn’t hold it as it was such soft stool. I then was in charge of making sure my mother took her walks around the house. She didn’t no matter how much I threatened her. She had her sewing to do and that is all she did.

Today my mother is expecting the home RN and PT to come. I will stay so I know what she hears is what is said. Her blood pressure was on the low side. I hope it improves by the time the nurse gets here. I really don’t want to have her in the hospital again.

I can’t wait to get my haircut next week. The top of my head of hair is so uneven. I want to have it short and spikey. I am hoping to get my haircut after all my appointments next week. I have to go for urodynamic testing and then go for an EKG. I just messaged my psychiatrist to make sure it is ordered so there won’t be a problem. I don’t see it on my upcoming procedures.

I still have not gotten my stimulus money. I wonder if I will get it next week with my SSD payment. I can finally order my groceries from Stop and Shop. Still haven’t decided if I am going to get a new mattress or not. I bought a new foam topper and it works wonderfully. It stays on the bed like it is supposed to.

I am so tired today. All I did was have coffee. I am in pain so that is probably why. My back started hurting while I was taking my mother’s blood pressure. I can’t stand hunched over for too long. My leg is bothering right now. Damn hamstring. I wish I could find a stretch that worked for the pain. I have a couple of tennis balls under my leg right now and that seems to be helping the pain some. I can’t roll it because of the foam topper. I am just glad I have some relief. It is cold today and windy so my room is like 66 degrees. I should shut off the ceiling fan…

tired of being exhausted

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of being exhausted

Yesterday I didn’t do anything but lay on my bed, trying to sleep. I just felt so exhausted. All I did was have my morning coffee and breakfast. Today I feel the same. I had some disturbing dreams. This is the second time I dreamt my mother died. I don’t know why I am dreaming this. I know it is a fear I have and her recent medical conditions worsening have probably increased this fear. My biggest fear is that because of Covid she will die alone in the hospital.

I want to make steak so I need to go to the butcher’s shop and get some. I also need to pick up my meds. I got about a half hour to get ready for the Square. I think I will bring my roller bag with me so that I don’t have to worry about the paper bags ripping. I don’t know if I am going to get burgers or not. Lately the meat doesn’t last more than a day in the fridge and it sucks. Or maybe I will buy them and then freeze them so they don’t go to waste.

I texted my therapist a question and she took it that I was unsafe. I had to tell her that I was safe I just wanted to know what to do in this situation. I guess it is something to talk about when I see her next. I just want to know if I become acutely suicidal what to do about it.

I am listening to 1989 Taylor Swift. I love this album so much. I remember when it first came out it was all I listened to. For weeks. It is such a good album. I haven’t decided if I am going to take a shower and shave before I go out or wait till I come home. I am trying to get energy to just do it but am so exhausted I don’t want to move. All my muscles are so tense for some reason and I can’t seem to relax. I am hoping that taking a hot shower will relax me a bit. I need to wash my hair because it is so fricken itchy even though it hasn’t been too long since I last washed it. I have to keep up with shaving my head so it stays styled. I see my barber next week. I am going to tell him I want the top to be all one length. Right now it isn’t and it bothers me. So if I have to go short and spikey then so be it. I will just grow it out again. I actually like how it is now but you can see my hair is not all the same length.

I feel really depressed today. I guess it goes with the exhausted feeling. I have my appointment with my urologist next week. I just did a questionnaire. I answered some very personal questions. I feel comfortable with my urologist so maybe she can help with the sexual stuff that I am having trouble with. I got a letter from my neurologist that she is on extended family leave. I don’t know when I will be seeing her. I just asked my PCP for a referral to someone where he is so I don’t have to commute that far anymore. My neuro is outside of Boston and it was a pain to see her. I really don’t like her office staff.

ceiling fan

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Ceiling fan

It is really cold with the wind and it is coming in through my AC so I have my ceiling fan off. I should dust it while it isn’t in use. It’s got some serious dust bunnies on the blades, but only on one side of the blade. Weird. I want to clear off the things on my bureau too. Just throw them in a box and I will go through it later. I also need to empty my bedside trash can. It is filled. I have to find the trash bag that I had. It has become buried under some clothes due to an avalanche fall of one of my bins. I just can’t deal so left it like it is.

I had therapy today. I wish it helped but all it did was frustrate me more and all we agreed on was getting a bat and beating a pillow up. We talked about how my mother is treating me with the transgender. I told her I wanted to go into hiding. She said that would be a bad idea. She understood how much I was hurting. I told her I wanted to cry but there were no tears. I won’t be seeing her a second time this week. She doesn’t have any openings. I said that was fine. I am not in dire straits. I wills see her next week.

I didn’t brush my teeth this morning because the post nasal drip was bad. I was gagging up a storm. Once it settles down, I will brush. It has been working out better in the afternoon than morning. I still need to shave my head again. I have been trying to keep my hair as short as possible. I found out today while I was combing it that it isn’t even on top like I want it to be. I just asked my cousin who is a hair dresser if this is ok or not. Now I can’t decide if I want to grow it out or cut it to be all one length. My barber is very good but I don’t think he is great with scissors. He is very good with clippers. I like him a lot so I will stay with him. No one else will touch my hair.

I had two cups of coffee today and I am still tired. I want to nap so bad. I have been up since five this morning because I had to pee. It was hard getting back to sleep. I wanted to stay up but my therapy appointment was at 11 and I knew I would start to feel drowsy around that time. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about why I am tired and he hasn’t responded. I don’t think he will because I was kind of flip in my message.

I finally brought a notepad to my bed “office” area so I will write the essays I want to write. I think it will be better written out than typed. Less distraction. I wish I could do it in a coffee shop. I so miss going to Starbucks for coffee and writing. I feel trapped sometimes because I have no where else to go. I could go food shopping. I think I will go to the butcher shop today to get a steak. And maybe some burgers.

Sunday Morning Blog 14032021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Morning Blog 14032021

I had my morning coffee and some breakfast. It is so quite without my mother. My sister is still getting my mother’s room straightened out. I think she is hanging curtains today. Both my sisters have worked their asses off to get her room as comfortable as possible and my mother hates it. I just don’t get it as she agreed with what they were doing but then after it was done, she didn’t like the outcome. Oh well.

I have therapy tomorrow and I want to work on ways of coping with the misgendering. I want so bad to text my sisters about being their brother but I’m scared it will come as defensive and they will reject me. I have so many feelings about this. It’s bad enough my mother is calling me a whatever whenever I bring up that I am her son.

I think my coffee is broken because I am so tired right now that I can go back to sleep. My ear is hurting me and I am not sure if it is because the muscles around the ear are tight or if there is something wrong with my ear. I hate this guessing game. My PT is on vacation this week so I am off from PT. I just got to do my exercises. I am getting better slowly but surely.

I don’t have many appointments this week. Just have therapy scheduled. I hope the weather will be nice so I can go out. It is nice today but really windy. I also hope the stimulus money gets deposited tomorrow. That would be nice so I can pay my bills off a little bit. I really want to buy a new mattress. The one I have is just about 20 years old.

My bowels have been stubborn the past few days. I have been taking Miralax but stool are hard and hurt when I pass a movement. I keep trying to remember to take the Miralax every day but it gets exhausting. I don’t want to take too much and then have the opposite problem. I still am having trouble with my bladder. I go for testing in about 10 days. I am kind of nervous about this test. It is so invasive. It doesn’t hurt though, thank god. I am almost a year post op from the tethered cord surgery.

Last week I started writing a thing about my thirty years in therapy. I didn’t get too far because I was writing from my laptop. I think if I write it out on paper it will be better. I just got to find a notepad to write it out on. I have several laying around. I just got to grab it. I think it will be a good article. I want it to be at least 1000 words.