Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Now, not later

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality

It is very cold in Boston and will be colder tomorrow, like much of the US. It’s winter so it is expected to be cold. I just wish the coldest day of the year wasn’t when I need to go out. I should have rescheduled my appointment so I can stay nice and warm. But I will brave the elements because I need to see this doc. I need him to evaluate my hip and see if he can do something about it. I might need some more PT. I don’t know. I just know that it has been weeks since pulling the muscle and though it has gotten a little better, it still hurts. I also cramp up if I stand too long, say to wash dishes, which never really happened to me before.

I am very saddened to find out that Grant Mickelson is no longer a part of Taylor’s band. He was let go a few month ago and I just found out. I feel so bad. He was a talented musician and I loved his guitar playing.

Had therapy today. I told my therapist that I had the pangs of suicidality. She wants me to keep her updated on how I am doing. I don’t feel like it. I just want to die. I don’t have a specific plan. I am just wishing myself to death at this point. There is a recent study that came out that said those with severe mental illness are more likely to die younger because their medical illnesses are not treated properly. I would fall into this “severe” mental illness category. I don’t see how I cannot. I have multiple medical conditions that can kill me and I am at increased risk of having a heart attack because of my depression (another study that came out not too long ago). My being overweight and having hypertension doesn’t help these factors. I could wait to have one of these cardiovascular events to occur but I fear they might not happen soon enough. I want to be gone NOW, not later.

I am freezing. I put on a sweatshirt and now I am thinking of wearing a long sleeved T shirt AND the sweatshirt. I did it and now I am warmer than I was a few minutes ago. I might be dying of heat once the heat kicks in but right now I am toasty. Sounds like the wind is picking up. Just great. More cold air being knocked around. I have thermal socks on to keep my feet warm.

CAMS preview

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychology, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

Jobes

For those wondering, here is what a future blog post of CAMS is about. I will be writing more about this and the SSF in greater detail.

Hip is on Fire

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Hip on fire

I woke up in pain again this morning. My hip just felt like it was on fire. I am so tired of being in pain every morning. Just when I think I am getting better, I take two steps back. I managed to get to the pharmacy to get my pain medication refilled. I desperately needed it as I took my last two this morning. Then it took forever for me to wake up. I planned on going soon as it opened at 10 am but I didn’t get out of bed until around 1330. I just couldn’t move. I also have been taking Ativan to calm down the damn spasms I have been having too. I just can’t win and I am tired of losing.

Tonight, I participated in the BPDChat on Twitter. I was using Tweetchat to participate but something was wrong with it as only my tweets were posting and no one else’s. I had to go to the main Twitter page to see everyone’s responses and comments. I should have just left and laid down and rest. I plan on doing that after I write this blog. I need to lie down. Sitting is getting almost impossible and despite taking pain meds, I am still hurting. I wish I could say that it is because I did X that caused this but I didn’t do anything. I didn’t lift anything. I just sneezed and threw my back out. Plus with this cough, I think I made things worse.

My mood sucks right now. I really am feeling like a piece of shit. I know my not sleeping right is also contributing to my sour mood. Tomorrow I have physical therapy and I don’t care if I don’t go. I really don’t feel like it. But I will go because it will get me out of the house. I just hope that I will be able to walk to get there. Lately, my hip/back has been giving me trouble walking. And going down the stairs is like I am tearing something. This really sucks.

I wrote my therapist a letter this morning. It was long as I was really tired and I was falling asleep as I was writing it. I just gave her a brief update to what was happening. I write her a letter every time she goes on vacation. Hopefully this time I will have it in the mail so she gets it when she is back in the office. I really miss her. I still don’t know when my pdoc is going to be back in the office. I hope it is soon. Guess I will find out after the holidays.

I really want to write a blog about the SSF and CAMS model. I realized that I don’t really talk in detail about them. I mention them in my blog but don’t go into great detail about them. I think it will be a good blog for therapists to have. And I have a few therapists that follow my blog.

I am really tired. Meds are working and I should be toast right now but I am fighting the fatigue like I always do. I have to take a shower sometime between now and tomorrow morning. I hate showering lately. But it’s something that has to happen. It just sucks when you are in pain with a bad back. Any standing motion just triggers more pain and spasms. It just really sucks. I should be getting better by now but for some reason, I am not. I don’t know why. It is really stressing me out. I am going to put a heating pad sticky on tonight to see if that helps. I figure it can’t hurt me. I would put my heating pad on but I really don’t want another thing on my bed. My bed is becoming more my office than a sleeping place. I have notepads, my laptop, journal, pens, a notebook, and a box of tissues. I also have my therapist’s card that I read to remind myself of what she said to me that means so much. I really value her words. I just wish they would sink in. But they don’t so, I have to keep reading them, if that makes sense. I can’t sit any longer so I am going to stop here.

One Great Mystery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

One Great Mystery

“One Great Mystery” is a new song off Lady Antebellum’s new album, 747. It’s lyrics has struck a cord with me as I don’t know what I did to make my therapist “fall for me”. Tonight I am reminded of the time, many years ago, that I first encountered her stubbornness. I was in another suicidal depression and I so wanted to get rid of her. I felt like therapy was worthless because I was feeling such things. I was so into my suicidal mind that I was planning for my death and yet I wanted to make sure she was taken cared of. So the journal that I subscribed to had an article in it on therapists survivor group. She wouldn’t even accept the paper I was handing her, she couldn’t accept my eminent death, much less going to see a therapist for her grief. She really didn’t want me to die. Yet with every fiber of my being, I wanted to. I just couldn’t face life. It hurt too much. I was tired, extremely tired of fighting the battle of depression month after month, day in and day out. It is exhausting just putting a smile on your face when all you want to do is hide from the world. Yet somehow, some way, she got me through that episode. It was difficult work. I was almost as stubborn as she is. I had to consistently keep in contact with her via text message about how I was doing. I would write her the most awful of text messages. But it was a way to let her know I was still around. Long as I sent her a text, it meant I was still fighting this battle I so wanted to end.

During one horrific suicidal place that lasted for about three long weeks, I asked her if she would tell me that she loved me. I needed to hear that if I was to survive. So toward the end of session she would say it, and it would always surprise me. I was taken aback that she complied. Who does that?? And I could tell in her voice she was sincere. I knew that I had to keep on doing this thing called living. It’s like the song by Garth Brooks, “learning to live again”. One of the lines is “learning to live again is killing me”. And it was. I can’t describe the battle of death vs life that was going inside of me. I so wanted to die but I had my goofy therapist wanting me to live. My “kids” that needed me for their various things. And my sisters who need a person to vent to. When I was working, it was always responsibility to my job, though I planned on killing myself at work because I hated the place. Even though they tried to promote they were for taking care of your pain, they really didn’t. If I didn’t have a caring PCP, I would be screwed. I know that I would have ended my life years ago had my PCP turn me down for opioid therapy.

My therapist knew this. She and my psychiatrist know that my physical pain drives my suicidal tendencies to the limit. And when I don’t have a break, I get into a very depressive state that is hard to get out. Luckily, with my last hospitalization I was put on an antidepressant. If I wasn’t on it, I doubt it would have lifted my depression and suicidal thoughts.

But my therapist is great, as much as I call her a bozo and a PITA (pain in the ass). I know I wouldn’t be here without her persistent nature.