Tag: suicidality

up and at ’em

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Up and at ‘em

I woke up around 0400. I have been waking up every few hours and this time, I felt a little energized so I decided not to go back to sleep because then I would feel yucky. I played with my phone for an hour, reading the latest bullshit Trump and his goonies have said or done or signed into the “Executive Order”. I was getting sick to my stomach. This was on Twitter. Then I go to Facebook and there is the same crap but worse. UGH, you just can’t escape him. Is this what it is going to be like the next four fucking years?? I hope they impeach the ass sooner rather than later.

I made coffee to try and keep my energy levels up and had breakfast. I still plan on having my espresso later when I do my errands before going to my psych appt. I am feeling a little better than I was yesterday, mood wise. But that can change. I finally took a shower and it didn’t exhaust me. I just hope my energy levels stay up. I think I am going to catch the 950 bus to the Square. I have to go to the post office and the bank. I need more mailers to send out my books. I’m going to buy a bunch of them so I don’t run out again, least for a while. My books aren’t selling like hot cakes but each book that goes out is something.

I am hoping my psychiatrist remembers to bring my book in her office so I can sign it. I sent her an email last night to remind her. I hope my appointment goes well. I am kind of nervous. I sent her my blog yesterday that still had indications that I am suicidal. It wasn’t blatant but she isn’t stupid. If she read it, I think she might have called me if she was concerned and she didn’t. Plus, I am seeing her today so we can talk about it.

I kind of want another cup of coffee but that means having to clean my French press and I am not in the mood to wash things. It’s not that hard but it’s just a pain in the ass as I hate getting my hands full of grounds. Maybe I will make a cup of tea. I am starting to feel drowsy, seems my energy has a short lifespan this early in the morning. I still have about four hours until I want to take that bus. Maybe I will take the 0700 bus and get out of the house. I haven’t left the house since last Friday. It’s been a rough week. Maybe if I hit the fresh air, I will wake up some.

I will tweet my friend on Monday to see if he has found anyone. I hate to be a bother to him because he is such a nice guy. In a way, I hope he says, why don’t I see him. It would be cool to talk to him because I really like him. I think he would be a wonderful therapist but I am scared that he will just throw me in the hospital every time I am suicidal. That is the only reason for not seeing him. He had a patient die by suicide a more than a few years ago and it devastated him. He is a little wiser now with suicidal patients. But I would love to teach him the ways of CAMS and the SSF. If I had to retrain a therapist, it would be him. But that is my dream and I don’t know if it will come true.

I will write more later when I am home from my psych appointment. Toodles.

I’ve settled down some

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I’ve settled down some

I finally stopped crying about an hour or so ago. I was talking with a friend of mine but she had kiddie problems so couldn’t really talk to me. I let her go as I was feeling drained and wanted to sleep. Here it is an hour later and I am still up. I never showered. I am going to try tomorrow morning when I get up.

My groceries came and I had my steak. I shared it with my niece, who ate the whole piece that I gave her. She is a carnivore like me. I wanted to make my cake but I had no motivation to and there is no room in the fridge. I need a space for my cake pan as it needs to be refrigerated. I will probably make it over the weekend. I really want my psychiatrist to have a slice of it to try my baking. I sent her an email so that she knows to bring in my book tomorrow for me to sign it. We didn’t do it last week.

I hope with all this crying I did today, I don’t get a cold. My nose is stuffy, even with my unclogging medicine. I would snort some more but I keep sneezing so it won’t be worth it. I had some whiskey because my mother just pissed me off and today was not the day to do it. I think it might have gone bad as it tasted different than what I remembered. It’s been sitting in a shelf for more than a few years now. I didn’t think whiskey could go bad but what do I know. I don’t drink the stuff except on rare occasions. And today was a rare occasion. I should have had gin. That is my go to drink. Oh well, I can’t have any now because I took my pain meds. I also took some Neurontin because my foot is on fucking fire. God, I hate nerve pain. It’s going to be hours before it goes away so I hope it doesn’t get worse.

I keep thinking of a story I wrote in my book. It’s kind of useless now that my therapist is gone. I just want to tear the story into a million pieces. Maybe I will modify the book so that it looks right and take the story out. But then, I really like the story and want to keep it in. It’s hard. I hate my therapist for putting me in this position. If my therapist friend is able to help me out, then I will give the new therapist a try and I won’t try and kill myself within the next month or so. But if I have to train them in my suicidal prevention ways and they aren’t open to them, it’s over. I’m done with therapy as I told my psychiatrist.

I still am in shock that my therapist just doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. It’s like I nitpicked everything that was wrong and she finally said, okay, I am letting you go now. Who does that?? Instead of trying to work through the issues, she wants me to find someone else?? But yet she still wants to keep in contact. WTF, I don’t work that way. It’s just mind boggling to me that she is doing this. How am I supposed to trust another professional after 16 years of seeing the same one? I don’t get it and it’s so painful. I guess that has been why I have been crying most of the day. It’s tearing me up knowing that we’re through and my therapist just doesn’t see it that way. I’ve gone from intensive therapy to no therapy in a month’s time frame. If I didn’t have my psychiatrist seeing me weekly, I know I would have tried to end my life, especially the other night when things got really bad. I just know that I couldn’t let my psychiatrist down, not without calling her first. Who knows, she might want to put me in the hospital tomorrow. I don’t know. I just know I am hurting as all hell from a therapist I have known for the past 16 years and now wants nothing to do with me except to be an “adjunctive” therapist. What ever the fuck that means.

therapy disaster

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapy disaster

I had therapy this afternoon. I’m still quite upset about it. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I was hoping for the best but it didn’t work out. All I did was cry at the realization that we were going to at some point, terminate. She couldn’t say the word and I couldn’t think of it. She still wanted to be some kind of adjunctive therapy just so she could have her fix of me, to keep her in the loop of what is going on and such.

All the while I kept thinking, why is this happening? I asked her why we couldn’t do weekly sessions and she said she’d just go back to her “old ways”. I don’t care if it meant having someone to talk to regularly. Right now I have NO ONE! And it’s not a good place to be in.

Then I thought fuck it. I plan on ending my life soon and then who the fuck gives a shit about her. I have no crisis response plan in place because she isn’t my therapist anymore. I only have my psychiatrist. I had emailed her about what happened and she asked me if she plans on calling future therapists. I don’t care and went off a tirade of basically fuck this and that. I don’t fucking care anymore. It’s done. It’s over. I don’t want to see her anymore and I am not. I will have one last session with the bozo (therapist) and that will be that. Her schedule will be too damn packed to see me again so I don’t have to worry about another damn session.

I cried for about an hour after session and still the tears are flowing. I have been trying to control them but it makes me so damn sad. My therapist told me she still loves me and cares about me. I think that just made things worse. I know she was crying during the session, too. I was so choked with emotion, I could barely talk. And when I did talk, I was choking back tears trying to be heard. I kept on trying to think of what it was my psychiatrist wanted to ask her but my mind went blank. I did ask her about the blogs and she said it was important that I wrote and shared them. Yea, so important that it broke us up.

I don’t know where I am heading with this, if it’s going anywhere. I am really depressed. Nothing I wanted to do today got done. I was just a lazy bastard. If I take a shower tonight, that will be a miracle. If not, my psychiatrist will have to deal with my stink when I see her tomorrow. I am sure she smelled worse though.

doc 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I woke up at 0300. I was thirsty and in pain, of course. All the bones in my foot are aching me. It started around 1800 last night. I didn’t take any pain meds then because I have been trying to be conservative. I don’t think I will have enough pills to last me until Friday. I have been popping them like candy since I have had 3 flare ups, one right after another. My ankle going out on me earlier this week didn’t help matters.

I got a text from my friend’s husband. He was lonely and wanted someone to talk to. He just lost his father and is going through a depression. He feels like he has no one to talk to that understands. I get it. I don’t mind talking to him because he is a nice guy and I hate to see someone suffering from depression. It sucks. I told him I would send him my book with Star Trek stamps. He couldn’t believe there was such a thing. I am a trekkie through and through.

I just bought a new charger cord for my Kindle. The one I have is really for my Samsung phone and it takes forever to charge the Kindle. The cord is also longer so I don’t have to worry about it falling out while charging. The original cord was like less than 4 feet and didn’t fit the Kindle at all unless you really rammed it in the charging site. That is why I had to use my Samsung cord. I hope the longer cord is useful. Otherwise, I will just send it back.

I think I am going to take some more Neurontin. The pain is oscillating between physical pain and nerve pain. I have no idea what the hell is going on with my foot. It’s driving me crazy. I hate taking the new pills that I have because I ran out of the 300 mg capsules. Now I have 600 mg tablets and they taste awful. There isn’t a coating on the pill so it’s worse than my pain pills. But they work so I can’t complain too much.

I hope I am not too young to get the shingles vaccine. I am going to ask the pharmacist tomorrow about it as I don’t want to catch it from my mother. I don’t know if they will give it to me because I have been exposed to the virus or not. I don’t know how the shot works. I could look it up but I am not in the mood for Google. I really don’t need another painful condition with what I have. It will suck so bad.

I will have my Casi Cielo today as my bro in law bought me some half and half. I love this coffee. I bought the K-cups for the Keurig and it was so good. I hope the ground coffee is just as good. I will be making it for the first time later today.

I haven’t received my insurance bill yet. I know the premiums went up by at least $20. I have to have it because my insurance pays for my prescriptions. I hope that I don’t have to pay a lot for my monthly lot. I know my mood stabilizer is going to be the most expensive. It was last year. I really don’t need to bother with refilling my meds because I am not going to be around. I don’t know how to explain this to my psychiatrist. I know she will want to hospitalize me until “my thinking is straight” but I have made up my mind. There is no shaking it this time around.