Tag: transgender

shower and a shave

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shower and shave

I need to shave my head and shower today. I am getting very stinky. I should trim my armpit hair. I haven’t done it in a while. It just grows so damn fast, like the hair on my head. I am really congested today with allergies. Today is supposed to be nice out. I am sure I will overdress and be hot. I will probably sweat a lot, too. I got PT today. My mother does, too.

I had a good session with my therapist on Mon. We talked about my suicidality and how I would like things to proceed from now on. We are going to continue working with the chronic pain workbook and I am to do the Crisis Response Plan. It has been hard to do. I haven’t been suicidal so I haven’t done it. I did write it out in my therapy book. I got to put it in my journal. She wants to work with me and I am glad because I really don’t want another therapist.

Baseball spring training is underway. I haven’t watched it because I really don’t watch TV. I don’t know if it has been on the radio or not. They are now doing 9 inning games so it would be worthwhile to see or hear it. They don’t have it on their radio app which sucks. I don’t know if games are going to be on the app this year or not. It was wonderful last year as I could play it anywhere I go and could listen along as I carried my phone with me around the house. I caught every pitch. It was really good.

I finally was able to get my songs on Dropbox off and put it on my phone for Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. I can finally listen to the songs from that awesome night. I still can’t believe I fell asleep midway through her singing. Her voice is so soothing to me so I am not surprised. I am so happy she has her acoustic album.

I have been trying to get my mother to use he/him pronouns with me and she is still resisting it. Yesterday my nephew called me a he and then my mother was like she. I feel so invalidated when she does this. Even when I told her I was her son her response was like “whatever”. I hate that she is like this. I will never understand how a parent can reject their child, never. More stuff to talk to in therapy about.

Since I have been eating regularly, I stopped losing weight. I actually gained some weight but I am still under 200 pounds. I still hate my body. I still want the things on my chest to be gone, completely. Eventually I will get a hysterectomy so I can find out if my bladder is cramping or not. Yesterday I had to email my urologist because I have been retaining again. There have been long stretches where I don’t void. The other day was nearly sixteen hours since my last void. I thought I would have to cath. Yesterday voiding was okay, nearly every three hours I was urinating. It still scares me that I might have to cath again one of these days.

I need to empty my recycles. I have a lot of Gatorade bottles in my room. I just have been so lazy to bring them all the way to the first floor where the recycle bin is. I will try and do that today as tomorrow is trash day.

cramping and don’t know why

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cramping and don’t know why

Past two days I have felt cramps in my lower abdomen similar to period cramps but I no longer get them and I am worried it could be my bladder as they seem more intense when I am full or close to it. I still don’t have a clear sense to when I am full due to nerve damage I have suffered from. I am supposed to have urodynamic testing to see if my bladder has improved or not but scheduling has been difficult due to Covid. I need to bite the bullet and call to make the appointment. I also need to have a hysterectomy because if these cramps are uterine cramps I want the fucking thing gone. It is totally useless to me.

I have been in a bad mood all weekend, well, not really bad just really depressed and suicidal. I have been in so much pain with my ankle the past few days that the pain is really driving me insane. I’ve had to take more breakthrough meds just to get through the day and then my shoulders have been acting up so I have been in some serious pain last few days. I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it. I haven’t brought it up in group because physical pain is not really a mental health issue, though with it causing me to be suicidal, I guess you can say it is. I just have been zoning out in groups. I have my last week this week, thank god. I will be going five days this week, three groups per day. I tend to go to the first three groups unless the fourth one is interesting and I want to go to it. Then I will skip the DBT one for the fourth. The program had been helpful but now that I find myself in a semi crisis I am finding it didn’t really help that much. I found myself asking “ok, what skill or coping thing can I do”? but nothing was really coming to me as I didn’t know what to fucking do. I was in pain so going downstairs for an ice pack to use the TIPP skill wasn’t possible. I just wanted to die and as instantaneously as possible. Today has been better but these cramps are getting me down. I haven’t been faithfully taking my bladder spasm medication so it is possible my bladder is upset right now.

I just realized I forgot to do my meds this afternoon. I will have to do them soon as I need to take them in about an hour. Can’t believe I forgot. Today has just gotten away with me with all the pain I have been having. I got on my sister’s scale today and found that it was almost a ten pound difference between my scale. So all this time I thought I gained weight, I really lost weight. I feel better about this. My weight has been slowly decreasing over the past few weeks. I am really hoping to lose at least twenty-five pounds so I can have top surgery. I don’t know when I will have it but I hope it will be sometime this year.

evermore

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Evermore

I resonate with this song evermore by Taylor Swift. I have it on repeat because the song was stuck in my head. This song is the first one of hers that means something to me. I think it is because of the line “I had a feeling so peculiar. This pain wouldn’t be for evermore”. There is also a line about dog days which is a symbol of depression. This song means so much to me.

I’ve been up since 0630 since my bladder decided it was going to burst if I didn’t go to the bathroom. I still had trouble emptying my bladder when it is that full. I am pretty tired. I went to groups this morning. The last group was on CBT and I was so bored. I couldn’t relate to what was going on so I just played with my phone. I eventually had to get off social media because of the protests in Washington were getting out of hand. I just hope no one dies. My back and ankle are smarting today so I wanted to finish the laundry I started but it isn’t going to happen. I asked my sister to bring up the clothes for me to fold and put away. She still hasn’t done this.

The other day I opened the birthday card my mother gave me and I wished I didn’t. Right in huge letters on the front of the card was “daughter:” It hurt like a knife through my heart. I am still so damn hurt. Her birthday is this weekend and I am thinking of getting her a son card. Of course this means I have to go to Walgreens or CVS to get one. I am sure I will find the “perfect” one.

I am supposed to be finished with the partial program tomorrow but I asked if I could stay on for another couple of weeks. I am waiting to hear back with insurance approval. My regular guy that I see is out this week so I will be seeing someone else. I hope to meet with her tomorrow. I have a second session with my therapist tomorrow morning. Should be interesting as I don’t do well with morning appointments. If I am able to have coffee either before or during session that will be great. I will probably need two cups as I have group afterwards.

I finally ordered a new foam topper for my bed. The one I have is not staying put on my bed and is really annoying me as then the sheets become undone. I’ve been wanting to get a new one for a while but logistically couldn’t work it out. Now that my room is a little more clearer, I can do it.

I am so tired yet it’s only 1830. I don’t want to take a nap now because it will throw my sleep off more than it already is. I’ve been up so early and it sucks. I just hope that I don’t get over tired. That is the worst and I usually end up with insomnia after it. I need to get up early so I can’t afford a night of losing sleep.

shit show of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Shit show of a day

So this morning as I was making coffee, I answered my mother’s phone. She was having some nursing come and her doctor’s nurse wanted to talk to her. Both women misgendered me and deadnamed me. One of the women couldn’t understand why I was going by G instead of my birth name and why I was a son and not a daughter as I was conflicting with her paperwork. I don’t understand why they couldn’t be gender affirmed in their care.

I shrugged it off as there was nothing I could do about it. I would have to tell my mother that I am her son and to refer me as it on her doctor’s records. I went to group and each one went ok. I had to miss the first one because I didn’t get an email in time telling me where the group was. For some reason I am not getting the email when they send it out. It worked out okay because the last group on the day was on gender. I was bored during some of the groups but it was ok.

My sister gave me the presents from my mother, including my birthday card that said “daughter”. I flipped out. I was so damn fucking hurt. And with the stuff that happened in the morning it really didn’t make me feel good. I texted my therapist, who is on vacation, and she flipped out and knew I was hurting. She asked who else I could reach out to. I had already sent a few messages out to friends that would talk to me. I put on some Bon Jovi to just listen to music. I wanted to listen to something that wouldn’t stir anything up.

I felt bad that I bothered my therapist. I wasn’t looking for support as I knew I wasn’t going to get it, with her being on vacation. I ordered a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles. I got the burger with ketchup. It even said on the paper mustard. Someone can’t read. I ate it anyway. I wasn’t going to let a burger go to waste.

My mother is doing ok. She is still weak. I am not too happy with her right now but there is nothing I can do about it right now. I have to somehow get over this, that she cannot accept me for me. But it hurts so much. I tried crying tonight about it but the tears wouldn’t come. I don’t know why when I felt tearful. I think the citalopram is the reason I can’t cry. It really sucks. I am glad my therapist is on vacation so I don’t have to deal with it.